a simpleton-第15章

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like　your　wifeyou　must　go　to　an　agent。　　What！　don't　you　know　that
an　agent　is　a　man　acting　for　you　with　an　interest　opposed　to　yours？
Employing　an　agent！　it　is　like　a　Trojan　seeking　the　aid　of　a　Greek。
You　needn't　cry；　Mrs。　Staines；　your　husband　has　been　let　in　deeper
than　you　have。　　Now；　you　are　young　people　beginning　life；　I'll　give
you　a　piece　of　advice。　　Employ　others　to　do　what　you　can't　do；　and
it　must　be　done；　but　never　to　do　anything　you　can　do　better　for
yourselves！　　Agent！　　The　word　is　derived　from　a　Latin　word　'agere；'
to　do；　and　agents　act　up　to　their　etymology；　for　they　invariably　DO
the　nincompoop　that　employs　them；　or　deals　with　them；　in　any　mortal
way。　　I'd　have　got　you　that　beastly　little　Bijou　for　ninety　pounds
a　year。〃

Uncle　Philip　went　away　crusty；　leaving　the　young　couple　finely
mortified　and　discouraged。

That　did　not　last　very　long。　　Christopher　noted　the　experience　and
Uncle　Phil's　wisdom　in　his　diary；　and　then　took　his　wife　on　his
knee；　and　comforted　her；　and　said；　〃Never　mind；　experience　is　worth
money；　and　it　always　has　to　be　bought。　　Those　who　cheat　us　will　die
poorer　than　we　shall；　if　we　are　honest　and　economical。　　I　have
observed　that　people　are　seldom　ruined　by　the　vices　of　others；
these　may　hurt　them；　of　course；　but　it　is　only　their　own　faults　and
follies　that　can　destroy　them。〃

〃Ah！　Christie；〃　said　Rosa；　〃you　are　a　man！　　Oh；　the　comfort　of
being　married　to　A　MAN。　　A　man　sees　the　best　side。　　I　do　adore　men。
Dearest；　I　will　waste　no　more　of　your　money。　　I　will　go　to　no　more
sales。〃

Christopher　saw　she　was　deeply　mortified；　and　he　said；　quietly；　〃On
the　contrary；　you　will　go　to　the　very　next。　　Only　take　Uncle
Philip's　advice；　employ　no　broker；　and　watch　the　prices　things
fetch　when　you　are　not　bidding；　and　keep　cool。〃

She　caressed　his　ears　with　both　her　white　hands；　and　thanked　him
for　giving　her　another　trial。　　So　that　trouble　melted　in　the
sunshine　of　conjugal　love。

Notwithstanding　the　agent's　solemn　assurance；　the　Bijou　was　out　of
repair。　　Dr。　Staines　detected　internal　odors；　as　well　as　those　that
flowed　in　from　the　mews。　　He　was　not　the　man　to　let　his　wife　perish
by　miasma；　so　he　had　the　drains　all　up；　and　actually　found　brick
drains；　and　a　cesspool。　　He　stopped　that　up；　and　laid　down　new　pipe
drains；　with　a　good　fall；　and　properly　trapped。　　The　old　drains
were　hidden；　after　the　manner　of　builders。　　He　had　the　whole　course
of　his　new　drains　marked　upon　all　the　floors　they　passed　under；　and
had　several　stones　and　boards　hinged　to　facilitate　examination　at
any　period。

But　all　this；　with　the　necessary　cleaning；　whitewashing；　painting；
and　papering；　ran　away　with　money。　　Then　came　Rosa's　purchases；
which；　to　her　amazement；　amounted　to　one　hundred　and　ninety　pounds；
and　not　a　carpet；　curtain；　or　bed　amongst　the　lot。　　Then　there　was
the　carriage　home　from　the　auction…room；　an　expense　one　avoids　by
buying　at　a　shop；　and　the　broker　claimed　his　shilling　in　the　pound。
This；　however；　Staines　refused。　　The　man　came　and　blustered。　　Rosa；
who　was　there；　trembled。　　Then；　for　the　first　time；　she　saw　her
husband's　brow　lower；　he　seemed　transfigured；　and　looked　terrible。
〃You　scoundrel；〃　said　he；　〃you　set　another　villain　like　yourself　to
bid　against　you；　and　you　betrayed　the　innocent　lady　that　employed
you。　　I　could　indict　you　and　your　confederate　for　a　conspiracy。　　I
take　the　goods　out　of　respect　for　my　wife's　credit；　but　you　shall
gain　nothing　by　swindling　her。　　Be　off；　you　heartless　miscreant；　or
I'll〃

〃I'll　take　the　law；　if　you　do。〃

〃Take　it；　then！　　I'll　give　you　something　to　howl　for；〃　and　he
seized　him　with　a　grasp　so　tremendous　that　the　fellow　cried　out　in
dismay；　〃Oh！　don't　hit　me；　sir；　pray　don't。〃

On　this　abject　appeal；　Staines　tore　the　door　open　with　his　left
hand；　and　spun　the　broker　out　into　the　passage　with　his　right。　　Two
movements　of　this　angry　Hercules；　and　the　man　was　literally　whirled
out　of　sight　with　a　rapidity　and　swiftness　almost　ludicrous；　it　was
like　a　trick　in　a　pantomime。　　A　clatter　on　the　stairs　betrayed　that
he　had　gone　down　the　first　few　steps　in　a　wholesale　and　irregular
manner；　though　he　had　just　managed　to　keep　his　feet。

As　for　Staines；　he　stood　there　still　lowering　like　thunder；　and　his
eyes　like　hot　coals；　but　his　wife　threw　her　tender　arms　around　him；
and　begged　him　consolingly　not　to　mind。

She　was　trembling　like　an　aspen。

〃Dear　me；〃　said　Christopher；　with　a　ludicrous　change　to　marked
politeness　and　respect；　〃I　forgot　YOU；　in　my　righteous
indignation。〃　　Next　he　became　uxorious。　　〃Did　they　frighten　her；　a
duck？　　Sit　on　my　knee；　darling；　and　pull　my　hair；　for　not　being
more　consideratethere！　there！〃

This　was　followed　by　the　whole　absurd　soothing　process；　as
practised　by　manly　husbands　upon　quivering　and　somewhat　hysterical
wives；　and　ended　with　a　formal　apology。　　〃You　must　not　think　that　I
am　passionate；　on　the　contrary；　I　am　always　practising　self…
government。　　My　maxim　is；　Animum　rege　qui　nisi　paret　imperat；　and
that　means；　Make　your　temper　your　servant；　or　else　it　will　be　your
master。　　But　to　ill…use　my　dear　little　wifeit　is　unnatural；　it　is
monstrous；　it　makes　my　blood　boil。〃

〃Oh；　dear！　don't　go　into　another。　　It　is　all　over。　　I　can't　bear　to
see　you　in　a　passion；　you　are　so　terrible；　so　beautiful。　　Ah！　they
are　fine　things；　courage　and　strength。　　There's　nothing　I　admire　so
much。〃

〃Why；　they　are　as　common　as　dirt。　　What　I　admire　is　modesty；
timidity；　sweetness；　the　sensitive　cheek　that　pales　or　blushes　at　a
word；　the　bosom　that　quivers；　and　clings　to　a　fellow　whenever
anything　goes　wrong。〃

〃Oh；　that　is　what　you　admire；　is　it？〃　said　Rosa　dryly。

〃Admire　it？〃　said　Christopher；　not　seeing　the　trap；　〃I　adore　it。〃

〃Then；　Christie；　dear；　you　are　a　Simpleton；　that　is　all。　　And　we
are　made　for　one　another。〃

The　house　was　to　be　furnished　and　occupied　as　soon　as　possible；　so
Mrs。　Staines　and　Mrs。　Cole　went　to　another　sale…room。　　Mrs。　Staines
remembered　all　Uncle　Philip　had　said；　and　went　plainly　dressed；　but
her　friend　declined　to　sacrifice　her　showy　dress　to　her　friend's
interests。　　Rosa　thought　that　a　little　unkind；　but　said　nothing。

In　this　auction…room　they　easily　got　a　place　at　the　table；　but　did
not　find　it　heaven；　for　a　number　of　secondhand　carpets　were　in　the
sale；　and　these；　brimful　of　dust；　were　all　shown　on　the　table；　and
the　dirt　choked；　and　poisoned　our　fair　friends。　　Brokers　pestered
them；　until　at　last　Rosa；　smarting　under　her　late　exposure；
addressed　the　auctioneer　quietly；　in　her　silvery　tones：　〃Sir；　these
gentlemen　are　annoying　me　by　forcing　their　services　on　me。　　I　do
not　intend　to　buy　at　all　unless　I　can　be　allowed　to　bid　for
myself。〃

When　Rosa；　blushing　and　amazed　at　her　own　boldness；　uttered　these
words；　she　little　foresaw　their　effect。　　She　had　touched　a　popular
sore。

〃You　are　quite　right；　madam；〃　said　a　respectable　tradesman　opposite
her。　　〃What　business　have　these　dirty　fellows；　without　a　shilling
in　their　pockets；　to　go　and　force　themselves　on　a　lady　against　her
will？〃

〃It　has　been　complained　of　in　the　papers　again　and　again；〃　said
another。

〃What！　mayn't　we　live　as　well　as　you？〃　retorted　a　broker。

〃Yes；　but　not　to　force　yourself　on　a　lady。　　Why；　she'd　give　you　in
charge　of　the　police　if　you　tried　it　on　outside。〃

Then　there　was　a　downright　clamor　of　discussion　and　chaff。

Presently　up　rises　very　slowly　a　countryman　so　colossal；　that　it
seemed　as　if　he　would　never　have　done　getting　up；　and　gives　his
experiences。　　He　informed　the　company；　in　a　broad　Yorkshire
dialect；　that　he　did　a　bit　in　furniture；　and　at　first　starting
these　brokers　buzzed　about　him　like　flies；　and　pestered　him。　　〃Aah
damned　'em　pretty　hard；〃　said　he；　〃but　they　didn't　heed　any。　　So
then　ah　spoke　'em　civil；　and　ah　said；　'Well；　lads；　I　dinna　come　fra
Yorkshire　to　sit　like　a　dummy　and　let　you　buy　wi'　my　brass；　the
first　that　pesters　me　again　ah'll　just　fell　him　on　t'　plaace；　like
a　caulf；　and　ah'm　not　very　sure　he'll　get　up　again　in　a　hurry。'　　So
they　dropped　me　like　a　hot　potato；　never　pestered　me　again。　　But　if
they　won't　give　over　pestering　you；　mistress；　ah'll　come　round　and
just　stand　behind　your　chair；　and　bring　nieve　with　me；〃　showing　a
fist　like　a　leg　of　mutton。

〃No；　no；〃　said　the　auctioneer；　〃that　will　not　do。　　I　will　have　no
disturbance　here。　　Call　the　policeman。〃

While　the　clerk　went　to　the　door　for　the　bobby；　a　gentleman
reminded　the　auctioneer　that　the　journals　had　repeatedly　drawn
attention　to　the　nuisance。

〃Fault　of　the　public；　not　mine；　sir。　　Policeman；　stand　behind　that
lady's　chair；　and　if　anybody　annoys　her　put　him　quietly　into　the
street。〃

〃This　auction…room　will　be　to　let　soon；〃　said　a　voice　at　the　end　of
the　table。

〃This　auction…room；〃　said　the　auctioneer；　master　of　the　gay　or
grave　at　a　moment's　notice；　〃is　supported　by　the　public　and　the
trade；　it　is　not　supported　by　paupers。〃

A　Jew　upholsterer　put　in　his　word。　　〃I　do　my　own　business；　but　I
like　to　let　a　poor　man　live。〃

〃Jonathan；〃　said　the　auctioneer　to　one　of　his　servants；　〃after　this
sale　you　may　put　up　the　shutters；　we　have　gone　and　offended　Mr。
Jacobs。　　He　keeps　a　shop　in　Blind　Alley；　Whitechapel。　　Now　then；
lot　69。〃

Rosa　bid　timidly　for　one　or　two　lots；　and　bought　them　cheap。

The　auctioneer　kept　looking　her　way；　and　she　had　only　to　nod。

The　obnoxious　broker　got　opposite　her；　and　ran　her　up　a　little　out
of　spite；　but　as　he　had　only　got　half　a　crown　about　him；　and　no
means　of　doubling　it；　he　dared　not　go　far。

On　the　other　side　of　the　table　was　a　figure　to　which　Rosa's　eyes
often　turned　with　interesta　fair　young　boy　about　twelve　years
old；　he　had　golden　hair；　and　was　in　deep　mourning。　　His　appearance
interested　Rosa；　and　she　wondered　how　he　came　there；　and　why；　he
looked　like　a　lamb　wedged　in　among　wolves；　a　flower　among　weeds。
As　the　lots　proceeded；　the　boy　seemed　to　get　uneasy；　and　at　last；
when　lot　'73　was　put　up；　anybody　could　see　in　his　poor　little　face
that　he　was　there　to　bid　for　it。

〃Lot　'73；　an　armchair　covered　in　morocco。　　An　excellent　and　useful
article。　　Should　not　be　at　all　surprised　if　it　was　made　by　Gillow。〃

〃Gillow　would　though；〃　said　Jacobs；　who　owed　him　a　turn。

Chorus　of　dealers。〃Haw！　haw！〃

The　auctioneer。〃I　like　to　hear　some　people　run　a　lot　down；　shows
they　are　going　to　bid　for　it　in　earnest。　　Well；　name　your　own
price。　　Five　pounds　to　begin？〃

Now　if　nobody　had　spoken　the　auctioneer　would　have　gone　on；　〃Well；
four　pounds　thenthree；　two；　whatever　you　like；〃　and　at　last
obtained　a　bona　fide　offer　of　thirty　shillings；　but　the　moment　he
said　〃Five　pounds　to　begin；〃　the　boy　in　black　lifted　up　his
childish　treble　and　bid　thus；　〃Five　pound　ten〃〃six　pounds〃〃six
pound　ten〃〃seven　pounds〃〃seven　pound　ten〃〃eight　pounds〃
〃eight　pound　ten〃〃nine　pounds〃〃nine　pound　ten〃〃ten　pounds！〃
without　interruption；　and　indeed　almost　in　a　breath。

There　was　a　momentary　pause　of　amazement；　and　then　an　outburst　of
chaff。

〃Nice　little　boy！〃

〃Didn't　he　say　his　lesson　well？〃

〃Favor　us　with　your　card；　sir。　　You　are　a　gent　as　knows　how　to
buy。〃

〃What　did　he　stop　for？　　If　it's　worth　ten；　it　is　worth　a　hundred。〃

〃Bless　the　child！〃　said　a　female　dealer；　kindly；　〃what　made