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第4章

the lifted veil(揭起的面纱)-第4章

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experience。       I have described these two cases at length; because they had 

definite; clearly traceable results in my after…lot。 

     Shortly after this last occurrenceI think the very next dayI began to 

be aware of a phase in my abnormal sensibility; to which; from the languid 

and slight nature of my intercourse with others since my illness; I had not 

been   alive   before。     This   was   the   obtrusion   on   my   mind   of   the   mental 

process going forward in first one person; and then another; with whom I 

happened to be in contact:           the vagrant; frivolous ideas and emotions of 

some uninteresting acquaintanceMrs。 Filmore; for examplewould force 

themselves   on   my   consciousness   like   an   importunate;   ill…played   musical 

instrument;      or   the   loud    activity   of   an   imprisoned      insect。   But    this 

unpleasant   sensibility  was   fitful;   and left   me   moments   of  rest;   when   the 

souls of my companions were once more shut out from  me; and I felt   a 

relief such as silence brings to wearied nerves。 I might have believed this 

importunate insight to be merely a diseased activity of the imagination; but 

that   my  prevision   of   incalculable   words   and   actions   proved   it   to   have   a 

fixed relation to the mental process in other minds。                But this superadded 

consciousness;  wearying and   annoying   enough   when   it   urged   on   me   the 

trivial experience of indifferent people; became an intense pain and grief 

when it seemed to be opening to me the souls of those who were in a close 

relation to mewhen the rational talk; the graceful attentions; the wittily… 

turned phrases; and the kindly deeds; which used to make the web of their 

characters;   were   seen   as   if   thrust   asunder   by   a   microscopic   vision;   that 

showed all the intermediate frivolities; all the suppressed egoism; all the 

struggling chaos of puerilities; meanness; vague capricious memories; and 



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indolent make…shift thoughts; from which human words and deeds emerge 

like leaflets covering a fermenting heap。 

     At Basle we were joined by my brother Alfred; now a handsome; self… 

confident      man    of  six…and…twentya       thorough     contrast    to  my    fragile; 

nervous;   ineffectual   self。     I   believe   I   was   held   to   have   a   sort   of   half… 

womanish; half…ghostly beauty; for the portrait…painters; who are thick as 

weeds at Geneva; had often asked me to sit to them; and I had been the 

model of a dying minstrel in a fancy picture。 But I thoroughly disliked my 

own physique and nothing but the belief that it was a condition of poetic 

genius would have reconciled me to it。               That brief hope was quite fled; 

and I saw in my face now nothing but the stamp of a morbid organization; 

framed     for   passive   sufferingtoo     feeble   for   the  sublime    resistance    of 

poetic    production。      Alfred;    from    whom     I  had   been   almost    constantly 

separated; and who; in his present stage of character and appearance; came 

before me as a perfect stranger; was bent on being extremely friendly and 

brother…like to me。       He had the superficial kindness of a good…humoured; 

self…satisfied     nature;    that  fears    no   rivalry;   and   has    encountered      no 

contrarieties。     I am not sure that my disposition was good enough for me 

to have been quite free from envy towards him; even if our desires had not 

clashed; and if I had been in the healthy human condition which admits of 

generous      confidence     and   charitable    construction。      There     must   always 

have been an antipathy between our natures。                 As it was; he became in a 

few   weeks   an   object   of   intense   hatred   to   me;   and   when   he   entered   the 

room; still more when he spoke; it was as if a sensation of grating metal 

had    set   my    teeth   on   edge。    My      diseased    consciousness       was   more 

intensely and continually  occupied with his   thoughts and emotions;  than 

with   those   of   any  other   person   who   came   in   my   way。  I   was   perpetually 

exasperated      with   the   petty   promptings     of  his   conceit   and   his  love   of 

patronage;   with   his   self…complacent   belief   in   Bertha   Grant's   passion   for 

him;    with   his   half…pitying    contempt     for  meseen     not   in  the  ordinary 

indications of intonation and phrase and slight action; which an acute and 

suspicious      mind    is  on  the   watch    for;  but   in  all  their  naked    skinless 

complication。 

     For we were rivals; and our desires clashed; though he was not aware 



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of it。   I have said nothing yet of the effect Bertha Grant produced in me 

on a nearer acquaintance。          That effect was chiefly determined by the fact 

that she made the only exception; among all the human beings about me; 

to my unhappy gift of insight。            About Bertha I was always in a state of 

uncertainty:      I could watch the expression of her face; and speculate on 

its meaning; I could ask for her opinion with the real interest of ignorance; 

I could listen for her words and watch for her smile with hope and fear: 

she had for me the fascination of an unravelled destiny。                  I say it was this 

fact that chiefly determined the strong effect she produced on me: for; in 

the abstract; no womanly character could seem to have less affinity for that 

of a shrinking; romantic; passionate youth than Bertha's。                  She was keen; 

sarcastic;     unimaginative;       prematurely      cynical;    remaining      critical  and 

unmoved        in  the   most    impressive     scenes;    inclined    to  dissect    all  my 

favourite   poems;   and   especially   contemptous   towards   the   German   lyrics 

which were my pet literature at that time。             To this moment I am unable to 

define my feeling towards her:            it was not ordinary boyish admiration; for 

she   was   the   very   opposite;   even   to   the   colour   of   her   hair;   of   the   ideal 

woman   who   still   remained   to   me   the   type   of   loveliness;   and   she   was 

without that enthusiasm for the great and good; which; even at the moment 

of   her   strongest   dominion      over   me;   I   should   have   declared   to   be   the 

highest element of character。          But there is no tyranny more complete than 

that    which    a  self…centred     negative     nature   exercises     over   a  morbidly 

sensitive   nature   perpetually   craving   sympathy   and   support。            The   most 

independent people feel the effect of a man's silence in heightening their 

value     for  his   opinionfeel     an   additional     triumph     in  conquering      the 

reverence of   a critic  habitually captious   and satirical:           no   wonder;  then; 

that an enthusiastic self…distrusting youth should watch and wait before the 

closed secret   of   a sarcastic   woman's   face;   as if it   were the   shrine   of   the 

doubtfully benignant deity who ruled his destiny。 For a young enthusiast is 

unable   to   imagine   the   total   negation   in   another   mind   of   the   emotions 

which are stirring his own:          they may be feeble; latent; inactive; he thinks; 

but   they  are   therethey   may   be   called   forth;   sometimes;   in   moments   of 

happy     hallucination;     he   believes   they   may    be   there   in  all  the  greater 

strength because he sees no outward sign of them。                   And this effect; as I 



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have   intimated;   was   heightened   to   its   utmost   intensity   in   me;   because 

Bertha     was    the   only   being    who     remained      for  me    in  the   mysterious 

seclusion of soul that renders such youthful delusion possible。 Doubtless 

there     was    another    sort   of   fascination     at   workthat     subtle    physical 

attraction which delights in cheating our psychological predictions; and in 

compelling the men who paint sylphs; to fall in love with some bonne et 

brave femme; heavy… heeled and freckled。 

     Bertha's     behaviour      towards    me    was    such   as   to  encourage      all  my 

illusions;   to   heighten   my   boyish   passion;   and   make   me   more   and   more 

dependent       on   her   smiles。     Looking       back    with   my    present    wretched 

knowledge; I conclude that her vanity and love   of power were   intensely 

gratified by the belief that I had fainted on first seeing her purely from the 

strong   impression   her   person   had   produced   on   me。           The   most   prosaic 

woman   likes   to   believe   herself   the   object   of   a   violent;   a   poetic   passion; 

and without a grain   of romance in   her; Bertha had that spirit of   intrigue 

which gave piquancy to the idea that the brother of the man she meant to 

marry was dying with love and jealousy for her sake。                     That she meant to 

marry my brother; was what at that time I did not believe; for though he 

was assiduous in his attentions to her; and I knew well enough that both he 

and my father had made up their minds to this result; there was not yet an 

understood       engagementthere         had    been    no   explicit    declaration;     and 

Bertha   habitually;   while   she   flirted   with   my   brother;   and   accepted   his 

homage       in  a  way    that   implied     to  him   a   thorough     recognition     of   its 

intention;   made   me   believe;   by   the   subtlest   looks   and   phrasesfeminine 

nothings which could never be quoted against herthat he was really the 

object   of   her  secret   ridicule;   that   she  thought   him;   as   I   did;   a   coxcomb; 

whom she would have pleasure in disappointing。                     Me she openly petted 

in   my   brother's   presence;   as   if   I   were   too   young   and   sickly   ever   to   be 

thought of as a lover; and that was the view he took of me。                    But I believe 

she must inwardly have delighted in the tremors into which she threw me 

by the coaxing way in which she patted my curls; while she laughed at my 

quotations。       Such     caresses    were    always    given    in  the  presence     of   our 

friends;   for   when   we   were   alone   together;   she   affected   a   much   greater 

distance towards me; and now and then took the opportunity; by words or

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