the hungry stones and other stories-第11章

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〃Yes；〃　I　replied；　〃that　is　my　meaning。〃

〃Of　course；〃　she　answered　almost　impatiently；　〃of　course；　God　is　with　them：　otherwise；　how　could　they　go　on　living　at　all？　　But　what　is　that　to　me？　　My　God　is　not　there。　　My　God　cannot　be　worshipped　among　them；　because　I　do　not　find　Him　there。　　I　seek　Him　where　I　can　find　Him。〃

As　she　spoke；　she　made　obeisance　to　me。　　What　she　meant　to　say　was　really　this。　　A　mere　doctrine　of　God's　omnipresence　does　not　help　us。　That　God　is　all…pervading；this　truth　may　be　a　mere　intangible　abstraction；　and　therefore　unreal　to　ourselves。　　Where　I　can　see　Him；　there　is　His　reality　in　my　soul。

I　need　not　explain　that　all　the　while　she　showered　her　devotion　on　me　she　did　it　to　me　not　as　an　individual。　　I　was　simply　a　vehicle　of　her　divine　worship。　　It　was　not　for　me　either　to　receive　it　or　to　refuse　it：　for　it　was　not　mine；　but　God's。

When　the　Devotee　came　again；　she　found　me　once　more　engaged　with　my　books　and　papers。

〃What　have　you　been　doing；〃　she　said；　with　evident　vexation；　〃that　my　God　should　make　you　undertake　such　drudgery？　　Whenever　I　come；　I　find　you　reading　and　writing。〃

〃God　keeps　his　useless　people　busy；〃　I　answered；　〃otherwise　they　would　be　bound　to　get　into　mischief。　　They　have　to　do　all　the　least　necessary　things　in　life。　　It　keeps　them　out　of　trouble。〃

The　Devotee　told　me　that　she　could　not　bear　the　encumbrances；　with　which；　day　by　day；　I　was　surrounded。　　If　she　wanted　to　see　me；　she　was　not　allowed　by　the　servants　to　come　straight　upstairs。　　If　she　wanted　to　touch　my　feet　in　worship；　there　were　my　socks　always　in　the　way。　　And　when　she　wanted　to　have　a　simple　talk　with　me；　she　found　my　mind　lost　in　a　wilderness　of　letters。

This　time；　before　she　left　me；　she　folded　her　hands；　and　said：　〃My　God！　I　felt　your　feet　in　my　breast　this　morning。　　Oh；　how　cool！　　And　they　were　bare；　not　covered。　　I　held　them　upon　my　head　for　a　long　time　in　worship。　　That　filled　my　very　being。　　Then；　after　that；　pray　what　was　the　use　of　my　coming　to　you　yourself？　　Why　did　I　come？　　My　Lord；　tell　me　truly；wasn't　it　a　mere　infatuation？〃

There　were　some　flowers　in　my　vase　on　the　table。　　While　she　was　there；　the　gardener　brought　some　new　flowers　to　put　in　their　place。　　The　Devotee　saw　him　changing　them。

〃Is　that　all？　〃　　she　exclaimed。　〃Have　you　done　with　the　flowers？　　Then　give　them　to　me。〃

She　held　the　flowers　tenderly　in　the　cup　of　her　hands；　and　began　to　gaze　at　them　with　bent　head。　　After　a　few　moments'　silence　she　raised　her　head　again；　and　said　to　me：　〃You　never　look　at　these　flowers；　therefore　they　become　stale　to　you。　　If　you　would　only　look　into　them；　then　your　reading　and　writing　would　go　to　the　winds。〃

She　tied　the　flowers　together　in　the　end　of　her　robe；　and　placed　them；　in　an　attitude　of　worship；　on　the　top　of　her　head；　saying　reverently：　〃Let　me　carry　my　God　with　me。〃

While　she　did　this；　I　felt　that　flowers　in　our　rooms　do　not　receive　their　due　meed　of　loving　care　at　our　hands。　　When　we　stick　them　in　vases；　they　are　more　like　a　row　of　naughty　schoolboys　standing　on　a　form　to　be　punished。

The　Devotee　came　again　the　same　evening；　and　sat　by　my　feet　on　the　terrace　of　the　roof。

〃I　gave　away　those　flowers；〃　she　said；　〃as　I　went　from　house　to　house　this　morning；　singing　God's　name。　　Beni；　the　head　man　of　our　village；　laughed　at　me　for　my　devotion；　and　said：　‘Why　do　you　waste　all　this　devotion　on　Him？　　Don't　you　know　He　is　reviled　up　and　down　the　countryside？'　　Is　that　true；　my　God？　　Is　it　true　that　they　are　hard　upon　you？〃

For　a　moment　I　shrank　into　myself。　　It　was　a　shock　to　find　that　the　stains　of　printers'　ink　could　reach　so　far。

The　Devotee　went　on：　〃Beni　imagined　that　he　could　blow　out　the　flame　of　my　devotion　at　one　breath！　　But　this　is　no　mere　tiny　flame：　it　is　a　burning　fire。　　Why　do　they　abuse　you；　my　God？〃

I　said：　〃Because　I　deserved　it。　　I　suppose　in　my　greed　I　was　loitering　about　to　steal　people's　hearts　in　secret。〃

The　Devotee　said：　〃Now　you　see　for　yourself　how　little　their　hearts　are　worth。　　They　are　full　of　poison；　and　this　will　cure　you　of　your　greed。〃

〃When　a　man；〃　I　answered；　〃has　greed　in　his　heart；　he　is　always　on　the　verge　of　being　beaten。　　The　greed　itself　supplies　his　enemies　with　poison。〃

〃Our　merciful　God；〃　she　replied；　〃beats　us　with　His　own　hand；　and　drives　away　all　the　poison。　　He　who　endures　God's　beating　to　the　end　is　saved。〃

II。

That　evening　the　Devotee　told　me　the　story　of　her　life。　　The　stars　of　evening　rose　and　set　behind　the　trees；　as　she　went　on　to　the　end　of　her　tale。

〃My　husband　is　very　simple。　　Some　people　think　that　he　is　a　simpleton；　but　I　know　that　those　who　understand　simply；　understand　truly。　　In　business　and　household　management　he　was　able　to　hold　his　own。　　Because　his　needs　were　small；　and　his　wants　few；　he　could　manage　carefully　on　what　we　had。　　He　would　never　meddle　in　other　matters；　nor　try　to　understand　them。

〃Both　my　husband's　parents　died　before　we　had　been　married　long；　and　we　were　left　alone。　　But　my　husband　always　needed　some　one　to　be　over　him。　I　am　ashamed　to　confess　that　he　had　a　sort　of　reverence　for　me；　and　looked　upon　me　as　his　superior。　　But　I　am　sure　that　he　could　understand　things　better　than　I；　though　I　had　greater　powers　of　talking。

〃Of　all　the　people　in　the　world　he　held　his　Guru　Thakur　（spiritual　master）　in　the　highest　veneration。　　Indeed　it　was　not　veneration　merely　but　love；　and　such　love　as　his　is　rare。

〃Guru　Thakur　was　younger　than　my　husband。　　Oh！　how　beautiful　he　was！

〃My　husband　had　played　games　with　him　when　he　was　a　boy；　and　from　that　time　forward　he　had　dedicated　his　heart　and　soul　to　this　friend　of　his　early　days。　　Thakur　knew　how　simple　my　husband　was；　and　used　to　tease　him　mercilessly。

〃He　and　his　comrades　would　play　jokes　upon　him　for　their　own　amusement；　but　he　would　bear　them　all　with　longsuffering。

〃When　I　married　into　this　family；　Guru　Thakur　was　studying　at　Benares。　My　husband　used　to　pay　all　his　expenses。　　I　was　eighteen　years　old　when　he　returned　home　to　our　village。

〃At　the　age　of　fifteen　I　had　my　child。　　I　was　so　young　I　did　not　know　how　to　take　care　of　him。　　I　was　fond　of　gossip；　and　liked　to　be　with　my　village　friends　for　hours　together。　　I　used　to　get　quite　cross　with　my

boy　when　I　was　compelled　to　stay　at　home　and　nurse　him。　　Alas！　　my　child…God　came　into　my　life；　but　His　playthings　were　not　ready　for　Him。　He　came　to　the　mother's　heart；　but　the　mother's　heart　lagged　behind。　　He　left　me　in　anger；　and　ever　since　I　have　been　searching　for　Him　up　and　down　the　world。

〃The　boy　was　the　joy　of　his　father's　life。　　My　careless　neglect　used　to　pain　my　husband。　　But　his　was　a　mute　soul。　　He　has　never　been　able　to　give　expression　to　his　pain。

〃The　wonderful　thing　was　this；　that　in　spite　of　my　neglect　the　child　used　to　love　me　more　than　any　one　else。　　He　seemed　to　have　the　dread　that　I　would　one　day　go　away　and　leave　him。　　So　even　when　I　was　with　him；　he　would　watch　me　with　a　restless　look　in　his　eyes。　　He　had　me　very　little　to　himself；　and　therefore　his　desire　to　be　with　me　was　always　painfully　eager。　　When　I　went　each　day　to　the　river；　he　used　to　fret　and　stretch　out　his　little　arms　to　be　taken　with　me。　　But　the　bathing　ghal　was　my　place　for　meeting　my　friends；　and　I　did　not　care　to　burden　myself　with　the　child。

〃It　was　an　early　morning　in　August。　　Fold　after　fold　of　grey　clouds　had　wrapped　the　mid…day　round　with　a　wet　clinging　robe。　　I　asked　the　maid　to　take　care　of　the　boy；　while　I　went　down　to　the　river。　　The　child　cried　after　me　as　I　went　away。

〃There　was　no　one　there　at　the　bathing　ghat　when　I　arrived。　　As　a　swimmer；　I　was　the　best　among　all　the　village　women。　　The　river　was　quite　full　with　the　rains。　　I　swam　out　into　the　middle　of　the　stream　some　distance　from　the　shore。

〃Then　I　heard　a　cry　from　the　bank；　'Mother！'　　I　turned　my　head　and　saw　my　boy　coming　down　the　steps；　calling　me　as　he　came。　　I　shouted　to　him　to　stop；　but　he　went　on；　laughing　and　calling。　　My　feet　and　hands　became　cramped　with　fear。　　I　shut　my　eyes；　afraid　to　see。　　When　I　opened　them；　there；　at　the　slippery　stairs；　my　boy's　ripple　of　laughter　had　disappeared　for　ever。

〃I　got　back　to　the　shore。　　I　raised　him　from　the　water。　　I　took　him　in　my　arms；　my　boy；　my　darling；　who　had　begged　so　often　in　vain　for　me　to　take　him。　　I　took　him　now；　but　he　no　more　looked　in　my　eyes　and　called　‘　Mother。'

〃My　child…God　had　come。　　I　had　ever　neglected　Him。　　I　had　ever　made　Him　cry。　　And　now　all　that　neglect　began　to　beat　against　my　own　heart；　blow　upon　blow；　blow　upon　blow。　　When　my　boy　was　with　me；　I　had　left　him　alone。　　I　had　refused　to　take　him　with　me。　　And　now；　when　he　is　dead；　his　memory　clings　to　me　and　never　leaves　me。

〃God　alone　knows　all　that　my　husband　suffered。　　If　he　had　only　punished　me　for　my　sin；　it　would　have　been　better　for　us　both。　　But　be　knew　only　how　to　endure　in　silence；　not　how　to　speak。

〃When　I　was　almost　mad　with　grief；　Guru　Thakur　came　back。　　In　earlier　days；　the　relation　between　him　and　my　husband　had　been　that　of　boyish　friendship。　　Now；　my　husband's　reverence　for　his　sanctity　and　learning　was　unbounded。　　He　could　hardly　speak　in　his　presence；　his　awe　of　him　was　so　great。

〃My　husband　asked　his　Guru　to　try　to　give　me　some　consolation。　　Guru　Thakur　began　to　read　and　explain　to　me　the　scriptures。　　But　I　do　not　think　they　had　much　effect　on　my　mind。　　All　their　value　for　me　lay　in　the　voice　that　uttered　them。　　God　makes　the　draught　of　divine　life　deepest　in　the　heart　for　man　to　drink；　through　the　human　voice。　　He　has　no　better　vessel　in　His　hand　than　that；　and　He　Himself　drinks　His　divine　draught　out　of　the　same　vessel。

〃My　husband's　love　and　veneration　for　his　Guru　filled　our　house；　as　incense　fills　a　temple　shrine。　　I　showed　that　veneration；　and　had　peace。　I　saw　my　God　in　the　form　of　that　Guru。　　He　used　to　come　to　take　his　meal　at　our　house　every　morning。　　The　first　thought　that　would　come　to　my　mind　on　waking　from　sleep　was　that　of　his　food　as　a　sacred　gift　from　God。　　When　I　prepared　the　things　for　his　meal；　my　fingers　would　sing　for　joy。

〃When　my　husband　saw　my　devotion　to　his　Guru；　his　respect　for　me　greatly　increased。　　He　noticed　his　Guru's　eager　desire　to　explain　the　scriptures　to　me。　　He　used　to　think　that　he　could　never　expect　to　earn　any　regard　from　his　Guru　himself；　on　account　of　his　stupidity；　but　his　wife　had　made　up　for　it。

〃Thus　another　five　years　went　by　happily；　and　my　whole　life　would　have　passed　like　that；　but　beneath　the　surface　some　stealing　was　going　on　somewhere　in　secret。　　I　could　not　detect　it；　but　it　was　detected　by　the　God　of　my　heart。　　Then　came　a　day　when；　in　a　moment　our　whole　life　was　turned　upside　down。

〃It　was　a　morning　in　midsummer。　　I　was　returning　home　from　bathing；　my　clothes　all　wet；　down　a　shady　lane。　　At　the　bend　of　the　road；　under　the　mango　tree；　I　met　my　Guru　Thakur。　　He　had　his　towel　on　his　shoulder　and　was　repeating　some　Sanskrit　verses　as　he　was　going　to　take　his　bath。　With　my　wet　clothes　clinging　all　about　me　I　was　ashamed　to　meet　him。　　I　tried　to　pass　by　quickly；　and　avoid　being　seen。　　He　called　me　by　my　name。

〃I　stopped；　lowering　my　eyes；　shrinking　into　myself。　　He　fixed　his　gaze　upon　me；　and　said：　‘How　beautiful　is　your　body！'

〃All　the　universe　of　birds　seemed　to　break　into　song　in