the hungry stones and other stories-第12章

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ul　is　your　body！'

〃All　the　universe　of　birds　seemed　to　break　into　song　in　the　branches　overhead。　　All　the　bushes　in　the　lane　seemed　ablaze　with　flowers。　　It　was　as　though　the　earth　and　sky　and　everything　had　become　a　riot　of　intoxicating　joy。

〃I　cannot　tell　how　I　got　home。　　I　only　remember　that　I　rushed　into　the　room　where　we　worship　God。　　But　the　room　seemed　empty。　　Only　before　my　eyes　those　same　gold　spangles　of　light　were　dancing　which　had　quivered　in　front　of　me　in　that　shady　lane　on　my　way　back　from　the　river。

〃Guru　Thakur　came　to　take　his　food　that　day；　and　asked　my　husband　where　I　had　gone。　　He　searched　for　me；　but　could　not　find　me　anywhere。

〃Ah！　　I　have　not　the　same　earth　now　any　longer。　　The　same　sunlight　is　not　mine。　　I　called　on　my　God　in　my　dismay；　and　He　kept　His　face　turned　away　from　me。

〃The　day　passed；　I　know　not　how。　　That　night　I　had　to　meet　my　husband。　But　the　night　is　dark　and　silent。　　It　is　the　time　when　my　husband's　mind　comes　out　shining；　like　stars　at　twilight。　　I　had　heard　him　speak　things　in　the　dark；　and　I　had　been　surprised　to　find　how　deeply　he　understood。

〃Sometimes　I　am　late　in　the　evening　in　going　to　rest　on　account　of　household　work。　　My　husband　waits　for　me；　seated　on　the　floor；　without　going　to　bed。　　Our　talk　at　such　times　had　often　begun　with　something　about　our　Guru。

That　night；　when　it　was　past　midnight；　I　came　to　my　room；　and　found　my　husband　sleeping　on　the　floor。　　Without　disturbing　him　I　lay　down　on　the　ground　at　his　feet；　my　head　towards　him。　　Once　he　stretched　his　feet；　while　sleeping；　and　struck　me　on　the　breast。　　That　was　his　last　bequest。

〃Next　morning；　when　my　husband　woke　up　from　his　sleep；　I　was　already　sitting　by　him。　　Outside　the　window；　over　the　thick　foliage　of　the　jack…　fruit　tree；　appeared　the　first　pale　red　of　the　dawn　at　the　fringe　of　the　night。　　It　was　so　early　that　the　crows　had　not　yet　begun　to　call。

〃I　bowed；　and　touched　my　husband's　feet　with　my　forehead。　　He　sat　up；　starting　as　if　waking　from　a　dream；　and　looked　at　my　face　in　amazement。　I　said：

〃'　I　have　made　up　my　mind。　　I　must　leave　the　world。　　I　cannot　belong　to　you　any　longer。　　I　must　leave　your　home。'

〃Perhaps　my　husband　thought　that　he　was　still　dreaming。　　He　said　not　a　word。

Ah！　　do　hear　me　l'　I　pleaded　with　infinite　pain。　　‘　Do　hear　me　and　understand　I　You　must　marry　another　wife。　　I　must　take　my　leave。'

〃My　husband　said：　'　What　is　all　this　wild；　mad　talk？　　Who　advises　you　to　leave　the　world？'

〃I　said：　‘　My　Guru　Thakur。'

〃My　husband　looked　bewildered。　'　　Guru　Thakur！'　he　cried。　　'　When　did　he　give　you　this　advice？'

〃‘　In　the　morning；'　I　answered；　'　yesterday；　when　I　met　him　on　my　way　back　from　the　river。'

〃His　voice　trembled　a　little。　　He　turned；　and　looked　in　my　face；　and　asked　me：　‘Why　did　he　give　you　such　a　behest？'

〃‘　I　do　not　know；'　I　answered。　'　　Ask　him　1　He　will　tell　you　himself；　if　he　can。'

〃My　husband　said：　‘It　is　possible　to　leave　the　world；　even　when　continuing　to　live　in　it。　　You　need　not　leave　my　home。　　I　will　speak　to　my　Guru　about　it。'

〃‘　Your　Guru；'　I　said；　‘　may　accept　your　petition；　but　my　heart　will　never　give　its　consent。　　I　must　leave　your　home。　　From　henceforth；　the　world　is　no　more　to　me。'

〃My　husband　remained　silent；　and　we　sat　there　on　the　floor　in　the　dark。　When　it　was　light；　he　said　to　me：　'　Let　us　both　came　to　him。'

〃I　folded　my　hands　and　said：　‘　I　shall　never　meet　him　again。'

〃He　looked　into　my　face。　　I　lowered　my　eyes。　　He　said　no　more。　　I　knew　that；　somehow；　he　had　seen　into　my　mind；　and　understood　what　was　there。　In　this　world　of　mine；　there　were　only　two　who　loved　me　best…my　boy　and　my　husband。　　That　love　was　my　God；　and　therefore　it　could　brook　no　falsehood。　　One　of　these　two　left　me；　and　I　left　the　other。　　Now　I　must　have　truth；　and　truth　alone。〃

She　touched　the　ground　at　my　feet；　rose　and　bowed　to　me；　and　departed。




VISION

I

When　I　was　a　very　young　wife；　I　gave　birth　to　a　dead　child；　and　came　near　to　death　myself。　　I　recovered　strength　very　slowly；　and　my　eyesight　became　weaker　and　weaker。

My　husband　at　this　time　was　studying　medicine。　　He　was　not　altogether　sorry　to　have　a　chance　of　testing　his　medical　knowledge　on　me。　　So　he　began　to　treat　my　eyes　himself。

My　elder　brother　was　reading　for　his　law　examination。　　One　day　he　came　to　see　me；　and　was　alarmed　at　my　condition。

〃What　are　you　doing？〃　he　said　to　my　husband。　〃You　are　ruining　Kumo's　eyes。　　You　ought　to　consult　a　good　doctor　at　once。〃

My　husband　said　irritably：　〃Why！　what　can　a　good　doctor　do　more　than　I　am　doing？　　The　case　is　quite　a　simple　one；　and　the　remedies　are　all　well　known。〃

Dada　answered　with　scorn：　〃I　suppose　you　think　there　is　no　difference　between　you　and　a　Professor　in　your　own　Medical　College。〃

My　husband　replied　angrily：　〃If　you　ever　get　married；　and　there　is　a　dispute　about　your　wife's　property；　you　won't　take　my　advice　about　Law。　Why；　then；　do　you　now　come　advising　me　about　Medicine？〃

While　they　were　quarrelling；　I　was　saying　to　myself　that　it　was　always　the　poor　grass　that　suffered　most　when　two　kings　went　to　war。　　Here　was　a　dispute　going　on　between　these　two；　and　I　had　to　bear　the　brunt　of　it。

It　also　seemed　to　me　very　unfair　that；　when　my　family　had　given　me　in　marriage；　they　should　interfere　afterwards。　　After　all；　my　pleasure　and　pain　are　my　husband's　concern；　not　theirs。

》From　that　day　forward；　merely　over　this　trifling　matter　of　my　eyes；　the　bond　between　my　husband　and　Dada　was　strained。

To　my　surprise　one　afternoon；　while　my　husband　was　away；　Dada　brought　a　doctor　in　to　see　me。　　He　examined　my　eyes　very　carefully；　and　looked　grave。　　He　said　that　further　neglect　would　be　dangerous。　　He　wrote　out　a　prescription；　and　Dada　for　the　medicine　at　once。　　When　the　strange　doctor　had　gone；　I　implored　my　Dada　not　to　interfere。　　I　was　sure　that　only　evil　would　come　from　the　stealthy　visits　of　a　doctor。

I　was　surprised　at　myself　for　plucking　up　courage　speak　to　my　brother　like　that。　　I　had　always　hitherto　been　afraid　of　him。　　I　am　sure　also　that　Dada　was　surprised　at　my　boldness。　　He　kept　silence　for　a　while；　and　then　said　to　me：　〃Very　well；　Kumo。　　I　won't　call　in　the　doctor　any　more。　　But　when　the　medicine　comes　you　must　take　it。〃

Dada　then　went　away。　　The　medicine　came　from　chemist。　　I　took　it　bottles；　powders；　prescriptions　and　alland　threw　it　down　the　well！

My　husband　had　been　irritated　by　Dada's　interference；　and　he　began　to　treat　my　eyes　with　greater　diligence　than　ever。　　He　tried　all　sorts　of　remedies。　　I　bandaged　my　eyes　as　he　told　me；　I　wore　his　coloured　glasses；　I　put　in　his　drops；　I　took　all　his　powders。　　I　even　drank　the　cod…liver　oil　he　gave　me；　though　my　gorge　rose　against　it。

Each　time　he　came　back　from　the　hospital；　he　would　ask　me　anxiously　how　I　felt；　and　I　would　answer：　〃Oh！　　much　better。〃　　Indeed　I　became　an　expert　in　self…delusion。　　When　I　found　that　the　water　in　my　eyes　was　still　increasing；　I　would　console　myself　with　the　thought　that　it　was　a　good　thing　to　get　rid　of　so　much　bad　fluid；　and；　when　the　flow　of　water　in　my　eyes　decreased；　I　was　elated　at　my　husband's　skill。

But　after　a　while　the　agony　became　unbearable。　　My　eyesight　faded　away；　and　I　had　continual　headaches　day　and　night。　　I　saw　how　much　alarmed　my　husband　was　getting。　　I　gathered　from　his　manner　that　he　was　casting　about　for　a　pretext　to　call　in　a　doctor。　　So　I　hinted　that　it　might　be　as　well　to　call　one　in。

That　he　was　greatly　relieved；　I　could　see。　　He　called　in　an　English　doctor　that　very　day。　　I　do　not　know　what　talk　they　had　together；　but　I　gathered　that　the　Sahib　had　spoken　very　sharply　to　my　husband。

He　remained　silent　for　some　time　after　the　doctor　had　gone。　　I　took　his　hands　in　mine；　and　said：　〃What　an　ill…mannered　brute　that　was！　　Why　didn't　you　call　in　an　Indian　doctor？　　That　would　have　been　much　better。　Do　you　think　that　man　knows　better　than　you　do　about　my　eyes？〃

My　husband　was　very　silent　for　a　moment；　and　then　said　with　a　broken　voice：　〃Kumo；　your　eyes　must　be　operated　on。〃

I　pretended　to　be　vexed　with　him　for　concealing　the　fact　from　me　so　long。

〃Here　you　have　known　this　all　the　time；〃　said　I；　〃and　yet　you　have　said　nothing　about　it！　　Do　you　think　I　am　such　a　baby　as　to　be　afraid　of　an　operation？〃

At　that　be　regained　his　good　spirits：　〃There　are　very　few　men；〃　said　he；　〃who　are　heroic　enough　to　look　forward　to　an　operation　without　shrinking。〃

I　laughed　at　him：　〃Yes；　that　is　so。　　Men　are　heroic　only　before　their　wives！〃

He　looked　at　me　gravely；　and　said：　〃You　are　perfectly　right。　　We　men　are　dreadfully　vain。〃

I　laughed　away　his　seriousness：　〃Are　you　sure　you　can　beat　us　women　even　in　vanity？　〃

When　Dada　came；　I　took　him　aside：　〃Dada；　that　treatment　your　doctor　recommended　would　have　done　me　a　world　of　good；　only　unfortunately。　　I　mistook　the　mixture　for　the　lotion。　　And　since　the　day　I　made　the　mistake；　my　eyes　have　grown　steadily　worse；　and　now　an　operation　is　needed。〃

Dada　said　to　me：　〃You　were　under　your　husband's　treatment；　and　that　is　why　I　gave　up　coming　to　visit　you。〃

〃No；〃　I　answered。　〃In　reality；　I　was　secretly　treating　myself　in　accordance　with　your　doctor's　directions。〃

Oh！　　what　lies　we　women　have　to　tell！　　When　we　are　mothers；　we　tell　lies　to　pacify　our　children；　and　when　we　are　wives；　we　tell　lies　to　pacify　the　fathers　of　our　children。　　We　are　never　free　from　this　necessity。

My　deception　had　the　effect　of　bringing　about　a　better　feeling　between　my　husband　and　Dada。　　Dada　blamed　himself　for　asking　me　to　keep　a　secret　from　my　husband：　and　my　husband　regretted　that　he　had　not　taken　my　brother's　advice　at　the　first。

At　last；　with　the　consent　of　both；　an　English　doctor　came；　and　operated　on　my　left　eye。　　That　eye；　however；　was　too　weak　to　bear　the　strain；　and　the　last　flickering　glimmer　of　light　went　out。　　Then　the　other　eye　gradually　lost　itself　in　darkness。

One　day　my　husband　came　to　my　bedside。　〃I　cannot　brazen　it　out　before　you　any　longer；〃　said　he；　〃Kumo；　it　is　I　who　have　ruined　your　eyes。〃

I　felt　that　his　voice　was　choking　with　tears；　and　so　I　took　up　his　right　hand　in　both　of　mine　and　said：　〃Why！　　you　did　exactly　what　was　right。　You　have　dealt　only　with　that　which　was　your　very　own。　　Just　imagine；　if　some　strange　doctor　had　come　and　taken　away　my　eyesight。　　What　consolation　should　I　have　had　then？　　But　now　I　can　feel　that　all　has　happened　for　the　best；　and　my　great　comfort　is　to　know　that　it　is　at　your　hands　I　have　lost　my　eyes。　　When　Ramchandra　found　one　lotus　too　few　with　which　to　worship　God；　he　offered　both　his　eyes　in　place　of　the　lotus。　　And　I　hate　dedicated　my　eyes　to　my　God。　　From　now；　whenever　you　see　something　that　is　a　joy　to　you；　then　you　must　describe　it　to　me；　and　I　will　feed　upon　your　words　as　a　sacred　gift　left　over　from　your　vision。〃

I　do　not　mean；　of　course；　that　I　said　all　this　there　and　then；　for　it　is　impossible　to　speak　these　things　an　the　spur　of　the　moment。　　But　I　used　to　think　over　words　like　these　for　days　and　days　together。　　And　when　I　was　very　depressed；　or　if　at　any　time　the　light　of　my　devotion　became　dim；　and　I　pitied　my　evil　fate；　then　I　made　my　mind　utter　these　sentences；　one　by　one；　as　a　child　repeats　a　story　that　is　told。　　And　so　I　could　breathe　once　more　the　serener　air　of　peace　and　lo