dream days-第7章

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than　earthly　beauty　discharged　themselves　through　paper　hoops？　

No；　it　was　not　altogether　possible；　there　must　have　been　some

exaggeration。　　Still；　I　would　be　content　with　very　little；　I

would　take　a　low　percentagea　very　small　proportion　of　the

circus　myth　would　more　than　satisfy　me。　　But　again；　even

supposing　that　history　were；　once　in　a　way；　no　liar；　could　it　be

that　I　myself　was　really　fated　to　look　upon　this　thing　in　the

flesh　and　to　live　through　it；　to　survive　the　rapture？　　No；　it　was

altogether　too　much。　　Something　was　bound　to　happen；　one　of　us

would　develop　measles；　the　world　would　blow　up　with　a　loud

explosion。　　I　must　not　dare；　I　must　not　presume；　to　entertain　the

smallest　hope。　　I　must　endeavour　sternly　to　think　of　something

else。



Needless　to　say；　I　thought；　I　dreamed　of　nothing　else；　day　or

night。　　Waking；　I　walked　arm…in…arm　with　a　clown；　and　cracked　a

portentous　whip　to　the　brave　music　of　a　band。　　Sleeping；　I

pursuedperched　astride　of　a　coal…black　horsea　princess　all

gauze　and　spangles；　who　always　managed　to　keep　just　one

unattainable　length　ahead。　　In　the　early　morning　Harold　and　I；

once　fully　awake；　cross…examined　each　other　as　to　the

possibilities　of　this　or　that　circus　tradition；　and　exhausted　the

lore　long　ere　the　first　housemaid　was　stirring。　　In　this

state　of　exaltation　we　slipped　onward　to　what　promised　to　be　a

day　of　all　white　dayswhich　brings　me　right　back　to　my　text；

that　grown…up　people　really　ought　to　be　more　careful。



I　had　known　it　could　never　really　be；　I　had　said　so　to　myself　a

dozen　times。　　The　vision　was　too　sweetly　ethereal　for　embodiment。



Yet　the　pang　of　the　disillusionment　was　none　the　less　keen　and

sickening；　and　the　pain　was　as　that　of　a　corporeal　wound。　　It

seemed　strange　and　foreboding；　when　we　entered　the　breakfast…

room；　not　to　find　everybody　cracking　whips；　jumping　over　chairs；

and　whooping。　　In　ecstatic　rehearsal　of　the　wild　reality　to　come。



The　situation　became　grim　and　pallid　indeed；　when　I　caught　the

expressions　〃garden…party〃　and　〃my　mauve　tulle；〃　and　realized

that　they　both　referred　to　that　very　afternoon。　　And　every

minute；　as　I　sat　silent　and　listened；　my　heart　sank　lower　and

lower；　descending　relentlessly　like　a　clock…weight　into　my　boot

soles。



Throughout　my　agony　I　never　dreamed　of　resorting　to　a　direct

question；　much　less　a　reproach。　　Even　during　the　period　of　joyful

anticipation　some　fear　of　breaking　the　spell　had　kept　me　from　any

bald　circus　talk　in　the　presence　of　them。　　But　Harold；　who　was

built　in　quite　another　way；　so　soon　as　he　discerned　the　drift　of

their　conversation　and　heard　the　knell　of　all　his　hopes；　filled

the　room　with　wail　and　clamour　of　bereavement。　　The　grinning

welkin　rang　with　〃Circus！〃　　〃Circus！〃　shook　the　window…panes；　the

mocking　walls　re…echoed　〃Circus！〃　　Circus　he　would　have；　and　the

whole　circus；　and　nothing　but　the　circus。　　No　compromise　for　him；

no　evasions；　no　fallacious；　unsecured　promises　to　pay。　　He

had　drawn　his　cheque　on　the　Bank　of　Expectation；　and　it　had

got　to　be　cashed　then　and　there；　else　he　would　yell；　and　yell

himself　into　a　fit；　and　come　out　of　it　and　yell　again。　　Yelling

should　be　his　profession；　his　art；　his　mission；　his　career。　　He

was　qualified；　he　was　resolute；　and　he　was　in　no　hurry　to　retire

from　the　business。



The　noisy　ones　of　the　world；　if　they　do　not　always　shout

themselves　into　the　imperial　purple；　are　sure　at　least　of

receiving　attention。　　If　they　cannot　sell　everything　at　their　own

price；　one　thingsilencemust；　at　any　cost；　be　purchased　of

them。　　Harold　accordingly　had　to　be　consoled　by　the　employment　of

every　specious　fallacy　and　base…born　trick　known　to　those　whose

doom　it　is　to　handle　children。　　For　me　their　hollow　cajolery　had

no　interest；　I　could　pluck　no　consolation　out　of　their　bankrupt

though　prodigal　pledges　I　only　waited　till　that　hateful；

well…known　〃Some　other　time；　dear！〃　told　me　that　hope　was　finally

dead。　　Then　I　left　the　room　without　any　remark。　　It　made　it

worseif　anything　couldto　hear　that　stale；　worn…out　old

phrase；　still　supposed　by　those　dullards　to　have　some　efficacy。



To　nature；　as　usual；　I　drifted　by　instinct；　and　there；　out　of　the

track　of　humanity；　under　a　friendly　hedge…row　had　my　black　hour

unseen。　　The　world　was　a　globe　no　longer；　space　was　no　more

filled　with　whirling　circuses　of　spheres。　　That　day　the　old

beliefs　rose　up　and　asserted　themselves；　and　the　earth　was　flat

againditch…riddled；　stagnant；　and　deadly　flat。　　The　undeviating

roads　crawled　straight　and　white；　elms　dressed　themselves　stiffly

along　inflexible　hedges；　all　nature；　centrifugal　no　longer；

sprawled　flatly　in　lines　out　to　its　farthest　edge；　and　I　felt

just　like　walking　out　to　that　terminus；　and　dropping　quietly

off。　　Then；　as　I　sat　there；　morosely　chewing　bits　of　stick；　the

recollection　came　back　to　me　of　certain　fascinating

advertisements　I　had　spelled　out　in　the　papersadvertisements　of

great　and　happy　men；　owning　big　ships　of　tonnage　running　into

four　figures；　who　yet　craved；　to　the　extent　of　public

supplication；　for　the　sympathetic　co…operation　of　youths　as

apprentices。　　I　did　not　rightly　know　what　apprentices　might　be；

nor　whether　I　was　yet　big　enough　to　be　styled　a　youth；　but　one

thing　seemed　clear；　that；　by　some　such　means　as　this；　whatever

the　intervening　hardships；　I　could　eventually　visit　all　the

circuses　of　the　worldthe　circuses　of　merry　France　and　gaudy

Spain；　of　Holland　and　Bohemia；　of　China　and　Peru。　　Here　was　a

plan　worth　thinking　out　in　all　its　bearings；　for　something　had

presently　to　be　done　to　end　this　intolerable　state　of　things。



Mid…day；　and　even　feeding…time；　passed　by　gloomily　enough；　till　a

small　disturbance　occurred　which　had　the　effect　of　releasing　some

of　the　electricity　with　which　the　air　was　charged。　　Harold；　it

should　be　explained；　was　of　a　very　different　mental　mould；　and

never　brooded；　moped；　nor　ate　his　heart　out　over　any

disappointment。　　One　wild　outburstone　dissolution　of　a　minute

into　his　original　elements　of　air　and　water；　of　tears　and

outcryso　much　insulted　nature　claimed。　　Then　he　would　pull

himself　together；　iron　out　his　countenance　with　a　smile；　and

adjust　himself　to　the　new　condition　of　things。



If　the　gods　are　ever　grateful　to　man　for　anything；　it　is　when　he

is　so　good　as　to　display　a　short　memory。　　The　Olympians　were

never　slow　to　recognize　this　quality　of　Harold's；　in　which；

indeed；　their　salvation　lay；　and　on　this　occasion　their　gratitude

had　taken　the　practical　form　of　a　fine　fat　orange；　tough…

rinded　as　oranges　of　those　days　were　wont　to　be。　　This　he　had

eviscerated　in　the　good　old…fashioned　manner；　by　biting　out　a

hole　in　the　shoulder；　inserting　a　lump　of　sugar　therein；　and　then

working　it　cannily　till　the　whole　soul　and　body　of　the　orange

passed　glorified　through　the　sugar　into　his　being。　　Thereupon；

filled　full　of　orange…juice　and　iniquity；　he　conceived　a　deadly

snare。　　Having　deftly　patted　and　squeezed　the　orange…skin　till　it

resumed　its　original　shape；　he　filled　it　up　with　water；　inserted

a　fresh　lump　of　sugar　in　the　orifice；　and；　issuing　forth；　blandly

proffered　it　to　me　as　I　sat　moodily　in　the　doorway　dreaming　of

strange　wild　circuses　under　tropic　skies。



Such　a　stale　old　dodge　as　this　would　hardly　have　taken　me　in　at

ordinary　moments。　　But　Harold　had　reckoned　rightly　upon　the

disturbing　effect　of　ill…humour；　and　had　guessed；　perhaps；　that　I

thirsted　for　comfort　and　consolation；　and　would　not　criticise

too　closely　the　source　from　which　they　came。　　Unthinkingly　I

grasped　the　golden　fraud；　which　collapsed　at　my　touch；　and

squirted　its　contents　into　my　eyes　and　over　my　collar；　till　the

nethermost　parts　of　me　were　damp　with　the　water　that　had　run　down

my　neck。　　In　an　instant　I　had　Harold　down；　and；　with　all　the

energy　of　which　I　was　capable；　devoted　myself　to　grinding　his

head　into　the　gravel；　while　he；　realizing　that　the　closure　was

applied；　and　that　the　time　for　discussion　or　argument　was　past；

sternly　concentrated　his　powers　on　kicking　me　in　the　stomach。



Some　people　can　never　allow　events　to　work　themselves　out

quietly。　　At　this　juncture　one　of　Them　swooped　down　on　the　scene；

pouring　shrill；　misplaced　abuse　on　both　of　us：　on　me　for　ill…

treating　my　younger　brother；　whereas　it　was　distinctly　I　who　was

the　injured　and　the　deceived；　on　him　for　the　high　offence　of

assault　and　battery　on　a　clean　collara　collar　which　I　had

myself　deflowered　and　defaced；　shortly　before；　in　sheer　desperate

ill…temper。　　Disgusted　and　defiant　we　fled　in　different

directions；　rejoining　each　other　later　in　the　kitchen…garden；　and

as　we　strolled　along　together；　our　short　feud　forgotten；　Harold

observed；　gloomily：　　〃I　should　like　to　be　a　cave…man；　like　Uncle

George　was　tellin'　us　about：　with　a　flint　hatchet　and　no　clothes；

and　live　in　a　cave　and　not　know　anybody！〃



〃And　if　anyone　came　to　see　us　we　didn't　like；〃　I　joined　in；

catching　on　to　the　points　of　the　idea；　〃we'd　hit　him　on　the　head

with　the　hatchet　till　he　dropped　down　dead。〃



〃And　then；〃　said　Harold；　warming　up；　〃we'd　drag　him　into　the　cave

and　SKIN　HIM！〃



For　a　space　we　gloated　silently　over　the　fair　scene　our

imaginations　had　conjured　up。　　It　was　BLOOD　we　felt　the

need　of　just　then。　　We　wanted　no　luxuries；　nothing　dear…bought

nor　far…fetched。　　Just　plain　blood；　and　nothing　else；　and　plenty

of　it。



Blood；　however；　was　not　to　be　had。　　The　time　was　out　of　joint；

and　we　had　been　born　too　late。　　So　we　went　off　to　the　greenhouse；

crawled　into　the　heating　arrangement　underneath；　and　played　at

the　dark　and　dirty　and　unrestricted　life　of　cave…men　till　we　were

heartily　sick　of　it。　　Then　we　emerged　once　more　into　historic

times；　and　went　off　to　the　road　to　look　for　something　living　and

sentient　to　throw　stones　at。



Nature；　so　often　a　cheerful　ally；　sometimes　sulks　and　refuses　to

play。　　When　in　this　mood　she　passes　the　word　to　her　underlings；

and　all　the　little　people　of　fur　and　feather　take　the　hint　and

slip　home　quietly　by　back　streets。　　In　vain　we　scouted；　lurked；

crept；　and　ambuscaded。　　Everything　that　usually　scurried；　hopped；

or　flutteredthe　small　society　of　the　undergrowthseemed　to

have　engagements　elsewhere。　　The　horrid　thought　that　perhaps　they

had　all　gone　off　to　the　circus　occurred　to　us　simultaneously；　and

we　humped　ourselves　up　on　the　fence　and　felt　bad。　　Even　the　sound

of　approaching　wheels　failed　to　stir　any　interest　in　us。　　When

you　are　bent　on　throwing　stones　at　something；　humanity　seems

obtrusive　and　better　away。　　Then　suddenly　we　both　jumped　off　the

fence　together；　our　faces　clearing。　　For　our　educated　ear　had

told　us　that　the　approaching　rattle　could　only　proceed　from　a

dog…cart；　and　we　felt　sure　it　must　be　the　funny　man。



We　called　him　the　funny　man　because　he　was　sad　and　serious；　and

said　little；　but　gazed　right　into　our　souls；　and　made　us　tell　him

just　what　was　on　our　minds