the dark flower-第22章

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live。〃

〃And　do　you　think　that　I　don't　long　for　you？〃

〃Then　come　to　me！〃

She　looked　at　him　mournfully　and　shook　her　head。

Well；　he　had　known　that　she　would　not。　　He　had　not　earned　her。
What　right　had　he　to　ask　her　to　fly　against　the　world；　to　brave
everything；　to　have　such　faith　in　himas　yet？　　He　had　no　heart　to
press　his　words；　beginning　then　to　understand　the　paralyzing　truth
that　there　was　no　longer　any　resolving　this　or　that；　with　love　like
his　he　had　ceased　to　be　a　separate　being　with　a　separate　will。　　He
was　entwined　with　her；　could　act　only　if　her　will　and　his　were　one。
He　would　never　be　able　to　say　to　her：　'You　must！'　　He　loved　her　too
much。　　And　she　knew　it。　　So　there　was　nothing　for　it　but　to　forget
the　ache；　and　make　the　hour　happy。　　But　how　about　that　other　truth
that　in　love　there　is　no　pause；　no　resting？　。　。　。　　With　any
watering；　however　scant；　the　flower　will　grow　till　its　time　comes
to　be　plucked。　。　。　。　　This　oasis　in　the　desertthese　few　minutes
with　her　alone；　were　swept　through　and　through　with　a　feverish
wind。　　To　be　closer！　　How　not　try　to　be　that？　　How　not　long　for　her
lips　when　he　had　but　her　hand　to　kiss？　　And　how　not　be　poisoned
with　the　thought　that　in　a　few　minutes　she　would　leave　him　and　go
back　to　the　presence　of　that　other；　who；　even　though　she　loathed
him；　could　see　and　touch　her　when　he　would？　　She　was　leaning　back
in　the　very　chair　where　in　fancy　he　had　seen　her；　and　he　only　dared
sit　at　her　feet　and　look　up。　　And　this；　which　a　week　ago　would　have
been　rapture；　was　now　almost　torture；　so　far　did　it　fall　short　of
his　longing。　　It　was　torture；　too；　to　keep　his　voice　in　tune　with
the　sober　sweetness　of　her　voice。　　And　bitterly　he　thought：　How　can
she　sit　there；　and　not　want　me；　as　I　want　her？　　Then　at　a　touch　of
her　fingers　on　his　hair；　he　lost　control；　and　kissed　her　lips。　　Her
surrender　lasted　only　for　a　second。

〃No；　noyou　must　not！〃

That　mournful　surprise　sobered　him　at　once。

He　got　up；　stood　away　from　her；　begged　to　be　forgiven。

And；　when　she　was　gone；　he　sat　in　the　chair　where　she　had　sat。
That　clasp　of　her；　the　kiss　he　had　begged　her　to　forgetto
forget！nothing　could　take　that　from　him。　　He　had　done　wrong；　had
startled　her；　had　fallen　short　of　chivalry！　　And　yeta　smile　of
utter　happiness　would　cling　about　his　lips。　　His　fastidiousness；
his　imagination　almost　made　him　think　that　this　was　all　he　wanted。
If　he　could　close　his　eyes；　now；　and　pass　out；　before　he　lost　that
moment　of　half…fulfilment！

And；　the　smile　still　on　his　lips；　he　lay　back　watching　the　flies
wheeling　and　chasing　round　the　hanging…lamp。　　Sixteen　of　them　there
were；　wheeling　and　chasingnever　still！


XII


When；　walking　from　Lennan's　studio；　Olive　reentered　her　dark　little
hall；　she　approached　its　alcove　and　glanced　first　at　the　hat…stand。
They　were　all　therethe　silk　hat；　the　bowler；　the　straw！　　So　he
was　in！　　And　within　each　hat；　in　turn；　she　seemed　to　see　her
husband's　headwith　the　face　turned　away　from　herso　distinctly
as　to　note　the　leathery　look　of　the　skin　of　his　cheek　and　neck。
And　she　thought：　〃I　pray　that　he　will　die！　　It　is　wicked；　but　I
pray　that　he　will　die！〃　　Then；　quietly；　that　he　might　not　hear；　she
mounted　to　her　bedroom。　　The　door　into　his　dressing…room　was　open；
and　she　went　to　shut　it。　　He　was　standing　there　at　the　window。

〃Ah！　　You're　in！　　Been　anywhere？〃

〃To　the　National　Gallery。〃

It　was　the　first　direct　lie　she　had　ever　told　him；　and　she　was
surprised　to　feel　neither　shame　nor　fear；　but　rather　a　sense　of
pleasure　at　defeating　him。　　He　was　the　enemy；　all　the　more　the
enemy　because　she　was　still　fighting　against　herself；　and；　so
strangely；　in　his　behalf。

〃Alone？〃

〃Yes。〃

〃Rather　boring；　wasn't　it？　　I　should　have　thought　you'd　have　got
young　Lennan　to　take　you　there。〃

〃Why？〃

By　instinct　she　had　seized　on　the　boldest　answer；　and　there　was
nothing　to　be　told　from　her　face。　　If　he　were　her　superior　in
strength；　he　was　her　inferior　in　quickness。

He　lowered　his　eyes；　and　said：

〃His　line；　isn't　it？〃

With　a　shrug　she　turned　away　and　shut　the　door。　　She　sat　down　on
the　edge　of　her　bed；　very　still。　　In　that　little　passage　of　wits
she　had　won；　she　could　win　in　many　such；　but　the　full　hideousness
of　things　had　come　to　her。　　Lies！　lies！　　That　was　to　be　her　life！
That；　or　to　say　farewell　to　all　she　now　cared　for；　to　cause　despair
not　only　in　herself；　but　in　her　lover；　andfor　what？　　In　order
that　her　body　might　remain　at　the　disposal　of　that　man　in　the　next
roomher　spirit　having　flown　from　him　for　ever。　　Such　were　the
alternatives；　unless　those　words：　〃Then　come　to　me；〃　were　to　be
more　than　words。　　Were　they？　　Could　they　be？　　They　would　mean　such
happiness　ifif　his　love　for　her　were　more　than　a　summer　love？
And　hers　for　him？　　Was　itwere　theymore　than　summer　loves？　　How
know？　　And；　without　knowing；　how　give　such　pain　to　everyone？　　How
break　a　vow　she　had　thought　herself　quite　above　breaking？　　How　make
such　a　desperate　departure　from　all　the　traditions　and　beliefs　in
which　she　had　been　brought　up！　　But　in　the　very　nature　of　passion
is　that　which　resents　the　intrusion　of　hard　and　fast　decisions。　。　。　。
And　suddenly　she　thought：　If　our　love　cannot　stay　what　it　is；
and　if　I　cannot　yet　go　to　him　for　always；　is　there　not　still
another　way？

She　got　up　and　began　to　dress　for　dinner。　　Standing　before　her
glass　she　was　surprised　to　see　that　her　face　showed　no　signs　of　the
fears　and　doubts　that　were　now　her　comrades。　　Was　it　because；
whatever　happened；　she　loved　and　was　beloved！　　She　wondered　how　she
had　looked　when　he　kissed　her　so　passionately；　had　she　shown　her
joy　before　she　checked　him？

In　her　garden　by　the　river　were　certain　flowers　that；　for　all　her
care；　would　grow　rank　and　of　the　wrong　colourwanting　a　different
soil。　　Was　she；　then；　like　those　flowers　of　hers？　　Ah！　　Let　her　but
have　her　true　soil；　and　she　would　grow　straight　and　true　enough！

Then　in　the　doorway　she　saw　her　husband。　　She　had　never；　till　to…
day；　quite　hated　him；　but　now　she　did；　with　a　real　blind　horrible
feeling。　　What　did　he　want　of　her　standing　there　with　those　eyes
fixed　on　herthose　forceful　eyes；　touched　with　blood；　that　seemed
at　once　to　threaten；　covet；　and　beseech！　　She　drew　her　wrapper
close　round　her　shoulders。　　At　that　he　came　up　and　said：

〃Look　at　me；　Olive！〃

Against　instinct　and　will　she　obeyed；　and　he　went　on：

〃Be　careful！　　I　say；　be　careful！〃

Then　he　took　her　by　the　shoulders；　and　raised　her　up　to　him。　　And；
quite　unnerved；　she　stood　without　resisting。

〃I　want　you；〃　he　said；　〃I　mean　to　keep　you。〃

Then；　suddenly　letting　her　go；　he　covered　his　eyes　with　his　hands。
That　frightened　her　mostit　was　so　unlike　him。　　Not　till　now　had
she　understood　between　what　terrifying　forces　she　was　balancing。
She　did　not　speak；　but　her　face　grew　white。　　From　behind　those
hands　he　uttered　a　sound；　not　quite　like　a　human　noise；　turned
sharply；　and　went　out。　　She　dropped　back　into　the　chair　before　her
mirror；　overcome　by　the　most　singular　feeling　she　had　ever　known；
as　if　she　had　lost　everything；　even　her　love　for　Lennan；　and　her
longing　for　his　love。　　What　was　it　all　worth；　what　was　anything
worth　in　a　world　like　this？　　All　was　loathsome；　herself　loathsome！
All　was　a　void！　　Hateful；　hateful；　hateful！　　It　was　like　having　no
heart　at　all！　　And　that　same　evening；　when　her　husband　had　gone
down　to　the　House；　she　wrote　to　Lennan：


〃Our　love　must　never　turn　to　earthiness　as　it　might　have　this
afternoon。　　Everything　is　black　and　hopeless。　　HE　suspects。　　For
you　to　come　here　is　impossible；　and　too　dreadful　for　us　both。　　And
I　have　no　right　to　ask　you　to　be　furtive；　I　can't　bear　to　think　of
you　like　that；　and　I　can't　bear　it　myself。　　I　don't　know　what　to　do
or　say。　　Don't　try　to　see　me　yet。　　I　must　have　time；　I　must　think。〃


XIII


Colonel　Ercott　was　not　a　racing　man；　but　he　had　in　common　with
others　of　his　countrymen　a　religious　feeling　in　the　matter　of　the
Derby。　　His　remembrances　of　it　went　back　to　early　youth；　for　he　had
been　born　and　brought　up　almost　within　sound　of　the　coaching…road
to　Epsom。　　Every　Derby　and　Oaks　day　he　had　gone　out　on　his　pony　to
watch　the　passing　of　the　tall　hats　and　feathers　of　the　great；　and
the　pot…hats　and　feathers　of　the　lowly；　and　afterwards；　in　the
fields　at　home；　had　ridden　races　with　old　Lindsay；　finishing
between　a　cow　that　judged　and　a　clump　of　bulrushes　representing　the
Grand　Stand。

But　for　one　reason　or　another　he　had　never　seen　the　great　race；　and
the　notion　that　it　was　his　duty　to　see　it　had　now　come　to　him。　　He
proposed　this　to　Mrs。　Ercott　with　some　diffidence。　　She　read　so
many　bookshe　did　not　quite　know　whether　she　would　approve。
Finding　that　she　did；　he　added　casually：

〃And　we　might　take　Olive。〃

Mrs。　Ercott　answered　dryly：

〃You　know　the　House　of　Commons　has　a　holiday？〃

The　Colonel　murmured：

〃Oh！　I　don't　want　that　chap！〃

〃Perhaps；〃　said　Mrs。　Ercott；　〃you　would　like　Mark　Lennan。〃

The　Colonel　looked　at　her　most　dubiously。　　Dolly　could　talk　of　it
as　a　tragedy；　and　aa　grand　passion；　and　yet　make　a　suggestion
like　that！　　Then　his　wrinkles　began　slowly　to　come　alive；　and　he
gave　her　waist　a　squeeze。

Mrs。　Ercott　did　not　resist　that　treatment。

〃Take　Olive　alone；〃　she　said。　　〃I　don't　really　care　to　go。〃

When　the　Colonel　went　to　fetch　his　niece　he　found　her　ready；　and
very　half…heartedly　he　asked　for　Cramier。　　It　appeared　she　had　not
told　him。

Relieved；　yet　somewhat　disconcerted；　he　murmured：

〃He　won't　mind　not　going；　I　suppose？〃

〃If　he　went；　I　should　not。〃

At　this　quiet　answer　the　Colonel　was　beset　again　by　all　his　fears。
He　put　his　white　'topper'　down；　and　took　her　hand。

〃My　dear；〃　he　said；　〃I　don't　want　to　intrude　upon　your　feelings；
butbut　is　there　anything　I　can　do？　　It's　dreadful　to　see　things
going　unhappily　with　you！〃　　He　felt　his　hand　being　lifted；　her　face
pressed　against　it；　and；　suffering　acutely；　with　his　other　hand；
cased　in　a　bright　new　glove；　he　smoothed　her　arm。　　〃We'll　have　a
jolly　good　day；　sweetheart；〃　he　said；　〃and　forget　all　about　it。〃

She　gave　the　hand　a　kiss　and　turned　away。　　And　the　Colonel　vowed　to
himself　that　she　should　not　be　unhappylovely　creature　that　she
was；　so　delicate；　and　straight；　and　fine　in　her　pearly　frock。　　And
he　pulled　himself　together；　brushing　his　white　'topper'　vigorously
with　his　sleeve；　forgetting　that　this　kind　of　hat　has　no　nap。

And　so　he　was　tenderness　itself　on　the　journey　down；　satisfying　all
her　wants　before　she　had　them；　telling　her　stories　of　Indian　life；
and　consulting　her　carefully　as　to　which　horse　they　should　back。
There　was　the　Duke's；　of　course；　but　there　was　another　animal　that
appealed　to　him　greatly。　　His　friend　Tabor　had　given　him　the　tip
Tabor；　who　had　the　best　Arabs　in　all　Indiaand　at　a　nice　price。　　A
man　who　practically　never　gambled；　the　Colonel　liked　to　feel　that
his　fancy　would　bring　him　in　something　really　substantialif　it
won；　the　idea　that　it　could　lose　not　really　troubling　him。
However；　they　would　see　it　in　the　paddock；　and　judge　for
themselves。　　The　paddock　was　the　place；　away　from　all　the　dust　and
racketOlive　would　enjoy　the　paddock！　　Once　on　the　course；　they
neglected　the　first　race；　it　was　more