the dark flower-第35章

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say　with　whom。　　After　applauding　his　resolution；　she　was　silent　for
a　littlethen　asked：

〃Why　don't　you　ride　with　Nell？〃

He　had　already　so　lost　his　dignity；　that　he　hardly　felt　disgraced
in　answering：

〃It　might　bore　her！〃

〃Oh；　no；　it　wouldn't　bore　her。〃

Had　she　meant　anything　by　that？　　And　feeling　as　if　he　were　fencing
with　his　own　soul；　he　said：

〃Very　well；　I　will。〃

He　had　perceived　suddenly　that　he　did　not　know　his　wife；　having
always　till　now　believed　that　it　was　she　who　did　not　quite　know
him。

If　she　had　not　been　out　at　lunch…time；　he　would　have　lunched　out
himselfafraid　of　his　own　face。　　For　feverishness　in　sick　persons
mounts　steadily　with　the　approach　of　a　certain　hour。　　And　surely
his　face；　to　anyone　who　could　have　seen　him　being　conveyed　to
Piccadilly；　would　have　suggested　a　fevered　invalid　rather　than　a
healthy；　middle…aged　sculptor　in　a　cab。

The　horses　were　before　the　doorthe　little　magpie　horse；　and　a
thoroughbred　bay　mare；　weeded　from　Dromore's　racing　stable。　　Nell；
too；　was　standing　ready；　her　cheeks　very　pink；　and　her　eyes　very
bright。　　She　did　not　wait　for　him　to　mount　her；　but　took　the　aid　of
the　confidential　man。　　What　was　it　that　made　her　look　so　perfect　on
that　little　horseshape　of　limb；　or　something　soft　and　fiery　in
her　spirit　that　the　little　creature　knew　of？

They　started　in　silence；　but　as　soon　as　the　sound　of　hoofs　died　on
the　tan　of　Rotten　Row；　she　turned　to　him。

〃It　was　lovely　of　you　to　come！　　I　thought　you'd　be　afraidyou　ARE
afraid　of　me。〃

And　Lennan　thought：　You're　right！

〃But　please　don't　look　like　yesterday。　　To…day's　too　heavenly。　　Oh！
I　love　beautiful　days；　and　I　love　riding；　and〃　　She　broke　off　and
looked　at　him。　　'Why　can't　you　just　be　nice　to　me'she　seemed　to
be　saying'and　love　me　as　you　ought！'　　That　was　her　powerthe
conviction　that　he　did；　and　ought　to　love　her；　that　she　ought　to
and　did　love　him。　　How　simple！

But　riding；　too；　is　a　simple　passion；　and　simple　passions　distract
each　other。　　It　was　a　treat　to　be　on　that　bay　mare。　　Who　so　to　be
trusted　to　ride　the　best　as　Johnny　Dromore？

At　the　far　end　of　the　Row　she　cried　out：　〃Let's　go　on　to　Richmond
now；〃　and　trotted　off　into　the　road；　as　if　she　knew　she　could　do
with　him　what　she　wished。　　And；　following　meekly；　he　asked　himself：
Why？　　What　was　there　in　her　to　make　up　to　him　for　all　that　he　was
losinghis　power　of　work；　his　dignity；　his　self…respect？　　What　was
there？　　Just　those　eyes；　and　lips；　and　hair？

And　as　if　she　knew　what　he　was　thinking；　she　looked　round　and
smiled。

So　they　jogged　on　over　the　Bridge　and　across　Barnes　Common　into
Richmond　Park。

But　the　moment　they　touched　turf；　with　one　look　back　at　him；　she
was　off。　　Had　she　all　the　time　meant　to　give　him　this　breakneck
chaseor　had　the　loveliness　of　that　Autumn　day　gone　to　her　head
blue　sky　and　coppery　flames　of　bracken　in　the　sun；　and　the　beech
leaves　and　the　oak　leaves；　pure　Highland　colouring　come　South　for
once。

When　in　the　first　burst　he　had　tested　the　mare's　wind；　this　chase
of　her；　indeed；　was　sheer　delight。　　Through　glades；　over　fallen
tree…trunks；　in　bracken　up　to　the　hocks；　out　across　the　open；　past
a　herd　of　amazed　and　solemn　deer；　over　rotten　ground　all　rabbit…
burrows；　till　just　as　he　thought　he　was　up　to　her；　she　slipped　away
by　a　quick　turn　round　trees。　　Mischief　incarnate；　but　something
deeper　than　mischief；　too！　　He　came　up　with　her　at　last；　and　leaned
over　to　seize　her　rein。　　With　a　cut　of　her　whip　that　missed　his
hand　by　a　bare　inch；　and　a　wrench；　she　made　him　shoot　past；　wheeled
in　her　tracks；　and　was　off　again　like　an　arrow；　back　amongst　the
treeslying　right　forward　under　the　boughs；　along　the　neck　of　her
little　horse。　　Then　out　from　amongst　the　trees　she　shot　downhill。
Right　down　she　went；　full　tilt；　and　after　her　went　Lennan；　lying
back；　and　expecting　the　bay　mare　to　come　down　at　every　stride。
This　was　her　idea　of　fun！　　She　switched　round　at　the　bottom　and
went　galloping　along　the　foot　of　the　hill；　and　he　thought：　Now　I've
got　her！　　She　could　not　break　back　up　that　hill；　and　there　was　no
other　cover　for　fully　half　a　mile。

Then　he　saw；　not　thirty　yards　in　front；　an　old　sandpit；　and　Great
God！　she　was　going　straight　at　it！　　And　shouting　frantically；　he
reined　his　mare　outwards。　　But　she　only　raised　her　whip；　cut　the
magpie　horse　over　the　flank；　and　rode　right　on。　　He　saw　that　little
demon　gather　its　feet　and　springdown；　down；　saw　him　pitch；
struggle；　sinkand　she；　flung　forward；　roll　over　and　lie　on　her
back。　　He　felt　nothing　at　the　moment；　only　had　that　fixed　vision　of
a　yellow　patch　of　sand；　the　blue　sky；　a　rook　flying；　and　her　face
upturned。　　But　when　he　came　on　her　she　was　on　her　feet；　holding　the
bridle　of　her　dazed　horse。　　No　sooner　did　he　touch　her；　than　she
sank　down。　　Her　eyes　were　closed；　but　he　could　feel　that　she　had
not　fainted；　and　he　just　held　her；　and　kept　pressing　his　lips　to
her　eyes　and　forehead。　　Suddenly　she　let　her　head　fall　back；　and
her　lips　met　his。　　Then　opening　her　eyes；　she　said：　〃I'm　not　hurt；
onlyfunny。　　Has　Magpie　cut　his　knees？〃

Not　quite　knowing　what　he　did；　he　got　up　to　look。　　The　little　horse
was　cropping　at　some　grass；　unharmedthe　sand　and　fern　had　saved
his　knees。　　And　the　languid　voice　behind　him　said：　〃It's　all　right
you　can　leave　the　horses。　　They'll　come　when　I　call。〃

Now　that　he　knew　she　was　unhurt；　he　felt　angry。　　Why　had　she
behaved　in　this　mad　waygiven　him　this　fearful　shock？　　But　in　that
same　languid　voice　she　went　on：　〃Don't　be　cross　with　me。　　I　thought
at　first　I'd　pull　up；　but　then　I　thought：　'If　I　jump　he　can't　help
being　nice'so　I　did　　Don't　leave　off　loving　me　because　I'm　not
hurt；　please。〃

Terribly　moved；　he　sat　down　beside　her；　took　her　hands　in　his；　and
said：

〃Nell！　　Nell！　it's　all　wrongit's　madness！〃

〃Why？　　Don't　think　about　it！　　I　don't　want　you　to　thinkonly　to
love　me。〃

〃My　child；　you　don't　know　what　love　is！〃

For　answer　she　only　flung　her　arms　round　his　neck；　then；　since　he
held　back　from　kissing　her；　let　them　fall　again；　and　jumped　up。

〃Very　well。　　But　I　love　you。　　You　can　think　of　THATyou　can't
prevent　me！〃　　And　without　waiting　for　help；　she　mounted　the　magpie
horse　from　the　sand…heap　where　they　had　fallen。

Very　sober　that　ride　home！　　The　horses；　as　if　ashamed　of　their　mad
chase；　were　edging　close　to　each　other；　so　that　now　and　then　his
arm　would　touch　her　shoulder。　　He　asked　her　once　what　she　had　felt
while　she　was　jumping。

〃Only　to　be　sure　my　foot　was　free。　　It　was　rather　horrid　coming
down；　thinking　of　Magpie's　knees；〃　and　touching　the　little　horse's
goat…like　ears；　she　added　softly：　〃Poor　dear！　　He'll　be　stiff　to…
morrow。〃

She　was　again　only　the　confiding；　rather　drowsy；　child。　　Or　was　it
that　the　fierceness　of　those　past　moments　had　killed　his　power　of
feeling？　　An　almost　dreamy　hourwith　the　sun　going　down；　the　lamps
being　lighted　one　by　oneand　a　sort　of　sweet　oblivion　over
everything！

At　the　door；　where　the　groom　was　waiting；　Lennan　would　have　said
good…bye；　but　she　whispered：　〃Oh；　no；　please！　　I　AM　tired　nowyou
might　help　me　up　a　little。〃

And　so；　half　carrying　her；　he　mounted　past　the　Vanity　Fair
cartoons；　and　through　the　corridor　with　the　red　paper　and　the　Van
Beers'　drawings；　into　the　room　where　he　had　first　seen　her。

Once　settled　back　in　Dromore's　great　chair；　with　the　purring　kitten
curled　up　on　her　neck；　she　murmured：

〃Isn't　it　nice？　　You　can　make　tea；　and　we'll　have　hot　buttered
toast。〃

And　so　Lennan　stayed；　while　the　confidential　man　brought　tea　and
toast；　and；　never　once　looking　at　them；　seemed　to　know　all　that　had
passed；　all　that　might　be　to　come。

Then　they　were　alone　again；　and；　gazing　down　at　her　stretched　out
in　that　great　chair；　Lennan　thought：

〃Thank　God　that　I'm　tired　toobody　and　soul！〃

But　suddenly　she　looked　up　at　him；　and　pointing　to　the　picture　that
to…day　had　no　curtain　drawn；　said：

〃Do　you　think　I'm　like　her？　　I　made　Oliver　tell　me　aboutmyself
this　summer。　　That's　why　you　needn't　bother。　　It　doesn't　matter
what　happens　to　me；　you　see。　　And　I　don't　carebecause　you　can
love　me；　without　feeling　bad　about　it。　　And　you　will；　won't　you？〃

Then；　with　her　eyes　still　on　his　face；　she　went　on　quickly：

〃Only　we　won't　talk　about　that　now；　will　we？　　It's　too　cosy。　　I　AM
nice　and　tired。　　Do　smoke！〃

But　Lennan's　fingers　trembled　so　that　he　could　hardly　light　that
cigarette。　　And；　watching　them；　she　said：　〃Please　give　me　one。　　Dad
doesn't　like　my　smoking。〃

The　virtue　of　Johnny　Dromore！　　Yes！　　It　would　always　be　by　proxy！
And　he　muttered：

〃How　do　you　think　he　would　like　to　know　about　this　afternoon；
Nell？〃

〃I　don't　care。〃　　Then　peering　up　through　the　kitten's　fur　she
murmured：　〃Oliver　wants　me　to　go　to　a　dance　on　Saturdayit's　for　a
charity。　　Shall　I？〃

〃Of　course；　why　not？〃

〃Will　YOU　come？〃

〃I？〃

〃Oh；　do！　　You　must！　　It's　my　very　first；　you　know。　　I've　got　an
extra　ticket。〃

And　against　his　will；　his　judgmenteverything；　Lennan　answered：
〃Yes。〃

She　clapped　her　hands；　and　the　kitten　crawled　down　to　her　knees。

When　he　got　up　to　go；　she　did　not　move；　but　just　looked　up　at　him；
and　how　he　got　away　he　did　not　know。

Stopping　his　cab　a　little　short　of　home；　he　ran；　for　he　felt　cold
and　stiff；　and　letting　himself　in　with　his　latch…key；　went　straight
to　the　drawing…room。　　The　door　was　ajar；　and　Sylvia　standing　at　the
window。　　He　heard　her　sigh；　and　his　heart　smote　him。　　Very　still；
and　slender；　and　lonely　she　looked　out　there；　with　the　light
shining　on　her　fair　hair　so　that　it　seemed　almost　white。　　Then　she
turned　and　saw　him。　　He　noticed　her　throat　working　with　the　effort
she　made　not　to　show　him　anything；　and　he　said：

〃Surely　you　haven't　been　anxious！　　Nell　had　a　bit　of　a　fall
jumping　into　a　sandpit。　　She's　quite　mad　sometimes。　　I　stayed　to
tea　with　herjust　to　make　sure　she　wasn't　really　hurt。〃　　But　as　he
spoke　he　loathed　himself；　his　voice　sounded　so　false。

She　only　answered：　〃It's　all　right；　dear；〃　but　he　saw　that　she　kept
her　eyesthose　blue；　too　true　eyesaverted；　even　when　she　kissed
him。

And　so　began　another　evening　and　night　and　morning　of　fever；
subterfuge；　wariness；　aching。　　A　round　of　half…ecstatic　torment；
out　of　which　he　seemed　no　more　able　to　break　than　a　man　can　break
through　the　walls　of　a　cell。　。　。　。

Though　it　live　but　a　day　in　the　sun；　though　it　drown　in　tenebrous
night；　the　dark　flower　of　passion　will　have　its　hour。　。　。　。


XII


To　deceive　undoubtedly　requires　a　course　of　training。　　And；
unversed　in　this　art；　Lennan　was　fast　finding　it　intolerable　to
scheme　and　watch　himself；　and　mislead　one　who　had　looked　up　to　him
ever　since　they　were　children。　　Yet；　all　the　time；　he　had　a　feeling
that；　since　he　alone　knew　all　the　circumstances　of　his　case；　he
alone　was　entitled　to　blame　or　to　excuse　himself。　　The　glib
judgments　that　moralists　would　pass　upon　his　conduct　could　be
nothing　but　the　imbecilities　of　smug　and　pharisaic　foolsof　those
not　under　this　drugging　spellof　such　as　had　not　blood　enough；
perhaps；　ever　to　fall　beneath　it！

The　day　after　the　ride　Nell　had　not　come；　and　he　had　no　word　from
her。　　Was　she；　then；　hurt；　after　all？　　She　had　lain　back　very
inertly　in　that　chair！　　And　Sylvia　never　as