for the term of his natural life-第84章

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〃A　fine　scheme！〃　cried　he。　　〃Give　up　half　a　million　of　money；　and　go　back　to　Australia！　You　must　be　mad！〃

〃Then　telegraph。〃

〃But；　my　dear〃

〃Hush；　here's　the　waiter。〃

As　he　wrote；　John　Rex　felt　gloomily　that；　though　he　had　succeeded　in　recalling　her　affection；　that　affection　was　as　imperious　as　of　yore。　　




CHAPTER　XI。

EXTRACTED　FROM　THE　DIARY　OF　THE　REV。　JAMES　NORTH。



December　7th。I　have　made　up　my　mind　to　leave　this　place；　to　bury　myself　again　in　the　bush；　I　suppose；　and　await　extinction。　　I　try　to　think　that　the　reason　for　this　determination　is　the　frightful　condition　of　misery　existing　among　the　prisoners；　that　because　I　am　daily　horrified　and　sickened　by　scenes　of　torture　and　infamy；　I　decide　to　go　away；　that；　feeling　myself　powerless　to　save　others；　I　wish　to　spare　myself。　　But　in　this　journal；　in　which　I　bind　myself　to　write　nothing　but　truth；　I　am　forced　to　confess　that　these　are　not　the　reasons。　　I　will　write　the　reason　plainly：　〃I　covet　my　neighbour's　wife。〃　It　does　not　look　well　thus　written。　It　looks　hideous。　　In　my　own　breast　I　find　numberless　excuses　for　my　passion。　I　said　to　myself；　〃My　neighbour　does　not　love　his　wife；　and　her　unloved　life　is　misery。　　She　is　forced　to　live　in　the　frightful　seclusion　of　this　accursed　island；　and　she　is　dying　for　want　of　companionship。　She　feels　that　I　understand　and　appreciate　her；　that　I　could　love　her　as　she　deserves；　that　I　could　render　her　happy。　　I　feel　that　I　have　met　the　only　woman　who　has　power　to　touch　my　heart；　to　hold　me　back　from　the　ruin　into　which　I　am　about　to　plunge；　to　make　me　useful　to　my　fellowsa　man；　and　not　a　drunkard。〃　Whispering　these　conclusions　to　myself；　I　am　urged　to　brave　public　opinion；　and　make　two　lives　happy。　　I　say　to　myself；　or　rather　my　desires　say　to　me〃What　sin　is　there　in　this？　Adultery？　No；　for　a　marriage　without　love　is　the　coarsest　of　all　adulteries。　What　tie　binds　a　man　and　woman　togetherthat　formula　of　license　pronounced　by　the　priest；　which　the　law　has　recognized　as　a　'legal　bond'？　Surely　not　this　only；　for　marriage　is　but　a　partnershipa　contract　of　mutual　fidelityand　in　all　contracts　the　violation　of　the　terms　of　the　agreement　by　one　of　　the　contracting　persons　absolves　the　other。　Mrs。　Frere　is　then　absolved；　by　her　husband's　act。　　I　cannot　but　think　so。　But　is　she　willing　to　risk　the　shame　of　divorce　or　legal　offence？　Perhaps。　Is　she　fitted　by　temperament　to　bear　such　a　burden　of　contumely　as　must　needs　fall　upon　her？　Will　she　not　feel　disgust　at　the　man　who　entrapped　her　into　shame？　Do　not　the　comforts　which　surround　her　compensate　for　the　lack　of　affections？〃　　And　so　the　torturing　catechism　continues；　until　I　am　driven　mad　with　doubt；　love；　and　despair。

Of　course　I　am　wrong；　of　course　I　outrage　my　character　as　a　priest；　of　course　I　endangeraccording　to　the　creed　I　teachmy　soul　and　hers。　But　priests；　unluckily；　have　hearts　and　passions　as　well　as　other　men。　Thank　God；　as　yet；　I　have　never　expressed　my　madness　in　words。　What　a　fate　is　mine！　When　I　am　in　her　presence　I　am　in　torment；　when　I　am　absent　from　her　my　imagination　pictures　her　surrounded　by　a　thousand　graces　that　are　not　hers；　but　belong　to　all　the　women　of　my　dreamsto　Helen；　to　Juliet；　to　Rosalind。　　Fools　that　we　are　of　our　own　senses！　When　I　think　of　her　I　blush；　when　I　hear　her　name　my　heart　leaps；　and　I　grow　pale。　　Love！　What　is　the　love　of　two　pure　souls；　scarce　conscious　of　the　Paradise　into　which　they　have　fallen；　to　this　maddening　delirium？　I　can　understand　the　poison　of　Circe's　cup；　it　is　the　sweet…torment　of　a　forbidden　love　like　mine！　　Away　gross　materialism；　in　which　I　have　so　long　schooled　myself！　I；　who　laughed　at　passion　as　the　outcome　of　temperament　and　easy　livingI；　who　thought　in　my　intellect；　to　sound　all　the　depths　and　shoals　of　human　feelingI；　who　analysed　my　own　soulscoffed　at　my　own　yearnings　for　an　immortalityam　forced　to　deify　the　senseless　power　of　my　creed；　and　believe　in　God；　that　I　may　pray　to　Him。　　I　know　now　why　men　reject　the　cold　impersonality　that　reason　tells　us　rules　the　worldit　is　because　they　love。　　To　die；　and　be　no　more；　to　die；　and　rendered　into　dust；　be　blown　about　the　earth；　to　die　and　leave　our　love　defenceless　and　forlorn；　till　the　bright　soul　that　smiled　to　ours　is　smothered　in　the　earth　that　made　it！　　No！　　To　love　is　life　eternal。　　God；　I　believe　in　Thee！　　Aid　me！　　Pity　me！　　Sinful　wretch　that　I　am；　to　have　denied　Thee！　　See　me　on　my　knees　before　Thee！　　Pity　me；　or　let　me　die！

December　9th。I　have　been　visiting　the　two　condemned　prisoners；　Dawes　and　Bland；　and　praying　with　them。　　O　Lord；　let　me　save　one　soul　that　may　plead　with　Thee　for　mine！　　Let　　me　draw　one　being　alive　out　of　this　pit！　　I　weepI　weary　Thee　with　my　prayers；　O　Lord！　Look　down　upon　me。　　Grant　me　a　sign。　　Thou　didst　it　in　old　times　to　men　who　were　not　more　fervent　in　their　supplications　than　am　I。　　So　says　Thy　Book。　Thy　Book　which　I　believewhich　I　believe。　　Grant　me　a　signone　little　sign；　O　Lord！I　will　not　see　her。　　I　have　sworn　it。　　Thou　knowest　my　grief　my　agonymy　despair。　　Thou　knowest　why　I　love　her。　　Thou　knowest　how　I　strive　to　make　her　hate　me。　　Is　that　not　a　sacrifice？　　I　am　so　lonely　a　lonely　man；　with　but　one　creature　that　he　lovesyet；　what　is　mortal　love　to　Thee？　　Cruel　and　implacable；　Thou　sittest　in　the　heavens　men　have　built　for　Thee；　and　scornest　them！　　Will　not　all　the　burnings　and　slaughters　of　the　saints　appease　Thee？　　Art　Thou　not　sated　with　blood　and　tears；　O　God　of　vengeance；　of　wrath；　and　of　despair！　Kind　Christ；　pity　me。　Thou　wiltfor　Thou　wast　human！　　Blessed　Saviour；　at　whose　feet　knelt　the　Magdalen！　　Divinity；　who；　most　divine　in　Thy　despair；　called　on　Thy　cruel　God　to　save　Theeby　the　memory　of　that　moment　when　Thou　didst　deem　Thyself　forsakenforsake　not　me！　Sweet　Christ；　have　mercy　on　Thy　sinful　servant。

I　can　write　no　more。　　I　will　pray　to　Thee　with　my　lips。　　I　will　shriek　my　supplications　to　Thee。　　I　will　call　upon　Thee　so　loud　that　all　the　world　shall　hear　me；　and　wonder　at　Thy　silenceunjust　and　unmerciful　God！

December　14th。What　blasphemies　are　these　which　I　have　uttered　in　my　despair？　Horrible　madness　that　has　left　me　prostrate；　to　what　heights　of　frenzy　didst　thou　not　drive　my　soul！　　Like　him　of　old　time；　who　wandered　among　the　tombs；　shrieking　and　tearing　himself；　I　have　been　possessed　by　a　devil。　　For　a　week　I　have　been　unconscious　of　aught　save　torture。　I　have　gone　about　my　daily　duties　as　one　who　in　his　dreams　repeats　the　accustomed　action　of　the　day；　and　knows　it　not。　　Men　have　looked　at　me　strangely。　　They　look　at　me　strangely　now。　　Can　it　be　that　my　disease　of　drunkenness　has　become　the　disease　of　insanity？　　Am　I　mad；　or　do　I　but　verge　on　madness？　　O　Lord；　whom　in　my　agonies　I　have　confessed；　leave　me　my　intellectlet　me　not　become　a　drivelling　spectacle　for　the　curious　to　point　at　or　to　pity！　　At　least；　in　mercy；　spare　me　a　little。　Let　not　my　punishment　overtake　me　here。　　　Let　her　memories　of　me　be　clouded　with　a　sense　of　my　rudeness　or　my　brutality；　let　me　for　ever　seem　to　her　the　ungrateful　ruffian　I　strive　to　show　myselfbut　let　her　not　behold　methat！




CHAPTER　XII。

THE　STRANGE　BEHAVIOUR　OF　Mr。　NORTH。



On　or　about　the　8th　of　December；　Mrs。　Frere　noticed　a　sudden　and　unaccountable　change　in　the　manner　of　the　chaplain。　　He　came　to　her　one　afternoon；　and；　after　talking　for　some　time；　in　a　vague　and　unconnected　manner；　about　the　miseries　of　the　prison　and　the　wretched　condition　of　some　of　the　prisoners；　began　to　question　her　abruptly　concerning　Rufus　Dawes。

〃I　do　not　wish　to　think　of　him；〃　said　she；　with　a　shudder。　　〃I　have　the　strangest；　the　most　horrible　dreams　about　him。　　He　is　a　bad　man。　He　tried　to　murder　me　when　a　child；　and　had　it　not　been　for　my　husband；　he　would　have　done　so。　　I　have　only　seen　him　once　since　thenat　Hobart　Town；　when　he　was　taken。〃　〃He　sometimes　speaks　to　me　of　you；〃　said　North；　eyeing　her。　〃He　asked　me　once　to　give　him　a　rose　plucked　in　your　garden。〃

Sylvia　turned　pale。　　〃And　you　gave　it　him？〃

〃Yes；　I　gave　it　him。　　Why　not？〃

〃It　was　valueless；　of　course；　but　stillto　a　convict？〃

〃You　are　not　angry？〃

〃Oh；　no！　　Why　should　I　be　angry？〃　　she　laughed　constrainedly。　　〃It　was　a　strange　fancy　for　the　man　to　have；　that's　all。〃

〃I　suppose　you　would　not　give　me　another　rose；　if　I　asked　you。〃

〃Why　not？〃　said　she；　turning　away　uneasily。　　〃You？　　You　are　a　gentleman。〃

〃Not　Iyou　don't　know　me。〃

〃What　do　you　mean？〃

〃I　mean　that　it　would　be　better　for　you　if　you　had　never　seen　me。〃

〃Mr。　North！〃　Terrified　at　the　wild　gleam　in　his　eyes；　she　had　risen　hastily。　〃You　are　talking　very　strangely。〃

　〃Oh；　don't　be　alarmed；　madam。　　I　am　not　drunk！〃he　pronounced　the　word　　with　a　fierce　energy。　　〃I　had　better　leave　you。　　Indeed；　I　think　the　less　　we　see　of　each　other　the　better。〃

Deeply　wounded　and　astonished　at　this　extraordinary　outburst；　Sylvia　allowed　him　to　stride　away　without　a　word。　　She　saw　him　pass　through　the　garden　and　slam　the　little　gate；　but　she　did　not　see　the　agony　on　his　face；　or　the　passionate　gesture　with　whichwhen　out　of　eyeshot　he　lamented　the　voluntary　abasement　of　himself　before　her。　　She　thought　over　his　conduct　with　growing　fear。　　It　was　not　possible　that　he　was　intoxicatedsuch　a　vice　was　the　last　one　of　which　she　could　have　believed　him　guilty。　　It　was　more　probable　that　some　effects　of　the　fever；　which　had　recently　confined　him　to　his　house；　yet　lingered。　　So　she　thought；　and；　thinking；　was　alarmed　to　realize　of　how　much　importance　the　well…being　of　this　man　was　to　her。

The　next　day　he　met　her；　and；　bowing；　passed　swiftly。　　This　pained　her。　Could　she　have　offended　him　by　some　unlucky　word？　　She　made　Maurice　ask　him　to　dinner；　and；　to　her　astonishment；　he　pleaded　illness　as　an　excuse　for　not　coming。　　Her　pride　was　hurt；　and　she　sent　him　back　his　books　and　music。　A　curiosity　that　was　unworthy　of　her　compelled　her　to　ask　the　servant　who　carried　the　parcel　what　the　clergyman　had　said。　　〃He　said　nothing　only　laughed。〃　　　Laughed！　　In　scorn　of　her　foolishness！　　His　conduct　was　ungentlemanly　and　intemperate。　　She　would　forget；　as　speedily　as　possible；　that　such　a　being　had　ever　existed。　　This　resolution　taken；　she　was　unusually　patient　with　her　husband。

So　a　week　passed；　and　Mr。　North　did　not　return。　　Unluckily　for　the　poor　wretch；　the　very　self…sacrifice　he　had　made　brought　about　the　precise　condition　of　things　which　he　was　desirous　to　avoid。　　It　is　possible　that；　had　the　acquaintance　between　them　continued　on　the　same　staid　footing；　it　would　have　followed　the　lot　of　most　acquaintanceships　of　the　kind　other　circumstances　and　other　scenes　might　have　wiped　out　the　memory　of　all　but　common　civilities　between　them；　and　Sylvia　might　never　have　discovered　that　she　had　for　the　chaplain　any　other　feeling　but　that　of　esteem。　　But　the　very　fact　of　the　sudden　wrenching　away　of　her　soul…companion；　showed　her　how　barren　was　the　solitary　life　to　which　she　had　been　fated。　　Her　husband；　she　had　long　ago　admitted；　with　bitter　self…communings；　was　utterly　unsuited　to　her。　　She　　could　find　in　his　society　no　enjoyment；　and　for　the　sympathy　which　she　needed　was　compelled　to　turn　elsewhere。　　She　understood　that　his　love　for　her　had　burnt　itself　outshe　confessed；　with　intensity　of　self…degradation；　that　his　apparent　affection　had　been　born　of　sensuality