the professor at the breakfast table-第23章

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Oh；　yes；I　replied；just　as　men　get　sick　of　tobacco。　　It　is

notorious　how　apt　they　are　to　get　tired　of　that　vegetable。



That　's　so！said　the　young　fellow　John；I've　got　tired　of　my

cigars　and　burnt　'em　all　up。



I　am　heartily　glad　to　hear　it；said　the　Model；I　wish　they　were

all　disposed　of　in　the　same　way。



So　do　I；said　the　young　fellow　John。



Can't　you　get　your　friends　to　unite　with　you　in　committing　those

odious　instruments　of　debauchery　to　the　flames　in　which　you　have

consumed　your　own？



I　wish　I　could；said　the　young　fellow　John。



It　would　be　a　noble　sacrifice；said　the　Model；　and　every　American

woman　would　be　grateful　to　you。　　Let　us　burn　them　all　in　a　heap　out

in　the　yard。



That　a'n't　my　way；said　the　young　fellow　John；I　burn　'em　one　't'

time；little　end　in　my　mouth　and　big　end　outside。



I　watched　for　the　effect　of　this　sudden　change　of　programme；　when

it　should　reach　the　calm　stillness　of　the　Model's　interior

apprehension；　as　a　boy　watches　for　the　splash　of　a　stone　which　he

has　dropped　into　a　well。　　But　before　it　had　fairly　reached　the

water；　poor　Iris；　who　had　followed　the　conversation　with　a　certain

interest　until　it　turned　this　sharp　corner；　（for　she　seems　rather　to

fancy　the　young　fellow　John；）　laughed　out　such　a　clear；　loud　laugh；

that　it　started　us　all　off；　as　the　locust…cry　of　some　full…throated

soprano　drags　a　multitudinous　chorus　after　it。　　It　was　plain　that

some　dam　or　other　had　broken　in　the　soul　of　this　young　girl；　and　she

was　squaring　up　old　scores　of　laughter；　out　of　which　she　had　been

cheated；　with　a　grand　flood　of　merriment　that　swept　all　before　it。

So　we　had　a　great　laugh　all　round；　in　which　the　Modelwho；　if　she

had　as　many　virtues　as　there　are　spokes　to　a　wheel；　all　compacted

with　a　personality　as　round　and　complete　as　its　tire；　yet　wanted

that　one　little　addition　of　grace；　which　seems　so　small；　and　is　as

important　as　the　linchpin　in　trundling　over　the　rough　ways　of　life

had　not　the　tact　to　join。　　She　seemed　to　be　〃stuffy〃　about　it；　as

the　young　fellow　John　said。　　In　fact；　I　was　afraid　the　joke　would

have　cost　us　both　our　new　lady…boarders。　　It　had　no　effect；　however；

except；　perhaps；　to　hasten　the　departure　of　the　elder　of　the　two；

who　could；　on　the　whole；　be　spared。



I　had　meant　to　make　this　note　of　our　conversation　a　text　for　a　few

axioms　on　the　matter　of　breeding。　　But　it　so　happened；　that；　exactly

at　this　point　of　my　record；　a　very　distinguished　philosopher；　whom

several　of　our　boarders　and　myself　go　to　hear；　and　whom　no　doubt

many　of　my　readers　follow　habitually；　treated　this　matter　of

manners。　　Up　to　this　point；　if　I　have　been　so　fortunate　as　to

coincide　with　him　in　opinion；　and　so　unfortunate　as　to　try　to

express　what　he　has　more　felicitously　said；　nobody　is　to　blame；　for

what　has　been　given　thus　far　was　all　written　before　the　lecture　was

delivered。　　But　what　shall　I　do　now？　　He　told　us　it　was　childish　to

lay　down　rules　for　deportment；but　he　could　not　help　laying　down　a

few。



Thus；Nothing　so　vulgar　as　to　be　in　a　hurry。　　True；　but　hard　of

application。　　People　with　short　legs　step　quickly；　because　legs　are

pendulums；　and　swing　more　times　in　a　minute　the　shorter　they　are。

Generally　a　natural　rhythm　runs　through　the　whole　organization：

quick　pulse；　fast　breathing；　hasty　speech；　rapid　trains　of　thought；

excitable　temper。　　Stillness　of　person　and　steadiness　of　features

are　signal　marks　of　good…breeding。　　Vulgar　persons　can't　sit　still；

or；　at　least；　they　must　work　their　limbs　or　features。



Talking　of　one's　own　ails　and　grievances。　Bad　enough；　but　not　so

bad　as　insulting　the　person　you　talk　with　by　remarking　on　his　ill…

looks；　or　appealing　to　notice　any　of　his　personal　peculiarities。



Apologizing。　A　very　desperate　habit；one　that　is　rarely　cured。

Apology　is　only　egotism　wrong　side　out。　　Nine　times　out　of　ten；　the

first　thing　a　man's　companion　knows　of　his　shortcoming　is　from　his

apology。　　It　is　mighty　presumptuous　on　your　part　to　suppose　your

small　failures　of　so　much　consequence　that　you　must　make　a　talk

about　them。



Good　dressing；　quiet　ways；　low　tones　of　voice；　lips　that　can　wait；

and　eyes　that　do　not　wander；shyness　of　personalities；　except　in

certain　intimate　communions；to　be　light　in　hand　in　conversation；

to　have　ideas；　but　to　be　able　to　make　talk；　if　necessary；　without

them；to　belong　to　the　company　you　are　in；　and　not　to　yourself；to

have　nothing　in　your　dress　or　furniture　so　fine　that　you　cannot

afford　to　spoil　it　and　get　another　like　it；　yet　to　preserve　the

harmonies；　throughout　your　person　anddwelling：　I　should　say　that

this　was　a　fair　capital　of　manners　to　begin　with。



Under　bad　manners；　as　under　graver　faults；　lies　very　commonly　an

overestimate　of　our　special　individuality；　as　distinguished　from　our

generic　humanity。　　It　is　just　here　that　the　very　highest　society

asserts　its　superior　breeding。　　Among　truly　elegant　people　of　the

highest　ton；　you　will　find　more　real　equality　in　social　intercourse

than　in　a　country　village。　　As　nuns　drop　their　birth…names　and

become　Sister　Margaret　and　Sister　Mary；　so　high…bred　people　drop

their　personal　distinctions　and　become　brothers　and　sisters　of

conversational　charity。　　Nor　are　fashionable　people　without　their

heroism。　　I　believe　there　are　men　who　have　shown　as　much　self…

devotion　in　carrying　a　lone　wall…flower　down　to　the　supper…table　as

ever　saint　or　martyr　in　the　act　that　has　canonized　his　name。　　There

are　Florence　Nightingales　of　the　ballroom；　whom　nothing　can　hold

back　from　their　errands　of　mercy。　　They　find　out　the　red…handed；

gloveless　undergraduate　of　bucolic　antecedents；　as　he　squirms　in　his

corner；　and　distill　their　soft　words　upon　him　like　dew　upon　the

green　herb。　　They　reach　even　the　poor　relation；　whose　dreary

apparition　saddens　the　perfumed　atmosphere　of　the　sumptuous　drawing…

room。　　I　have　known　one　of　these　angels　ask；　of　her　own　accord；　that

a　desolate　middle…aged　man；　whom　nobody　seemed　to　know；　should　be

presented　to　her　by　the　hostess。　　He　wore　no　shirt…collar；he　had

on　black　gloves；and　was　flourishing　a　red　bandanna　handkerchief！

Match　me　this；　ye　proud　children　of　poverty；　who　boast　of　your

paltry　sacrifices　for　each　other！　　Virtue　in　humble　life！　　What　is

that　to　the　glorious　self…renunciation　of　a　martyr　in　pearls　and

diamonds？　　As　I　saw　this　noble　woman　bending　gracefully　before　the

social　mendicant；the　white　billows　of　her　beauty　heaving　under　the

foam　of　the　traitorous　laces　that　half　revealed　them；I　should　have

wept　with　sympathetic　emotion；　but　that　tears；　except　as　a　private

demonstration；　are　an　ill…disguised　expression　of　self…consciousness

and　vanity；　which　is　inadmissible　in　good　society。



I　have　sometimes　thought；　with　a　pang；　of　the　position　in　which

political　chance　or　contrivance　might　hereafter　place　some　one　of

our　fellow…citizens。　　It　has　happened　hitherto；　so　far　as　my　limited

knowledge　goes；　that　the　President　of　the　United　States　has　always

been　what　might　be　called　in　general　terms　a　gentleman。　　But　what　if

at　some　future　time　the　choice　of　the　people　should　fall　upon　one　on

whom　that　lofty　title　could　not；　by　any　stretch　of　charity；　be

bestowed？　　This　may　happen；how　soon　the　future　only　knows。　　Think

of　this　miserable　man　of　coming　political　possibilities；an

unpresentable　boor　sucked　into　office　by　one　of　those　eddies　in　the

flow　of　popular　sentiment　which　carry　straws　and　chips　into　the

public　harbor；　while　the　prostrate　trunks　of　the　monarchs　of　the

forest　hurry　down　on　the　senseless　stream　to　the　gulf　of　political

oblivion！　　Think　of　him；　I　say；　and　of　the　concentrated　gaze　of　good

society　through　its　thousand　eyes；　all　confluent；　as　it　were；　in　one

great　burning…glass　of　ice　that　shrivels　its　wretched　object　in

fiery　torture；　itself　cold　as　the　glacier　of　an　unsunned　cavern！

No；there　will　be　angels　of　good…breeding　then　as　now；　to　shield

the　victim　of　free　institutions　from　himself　and　from　his　torturers。

I　can　fancy　a　lovely　woman　playfully　withdrawing　the　knife　which　he

would　abuse　by　making　it　an　instrument　for　the　conveyance　of　food；

or；　failing　in　this　kind　artifice；　sacrificing　herself　by　imitating

his　use　of　that　implement；　how　much　harder　than　to　plunge　it　into

her　bosom；　like　Lucretia！　　I　can　see　her　studying　in　his　provincial

dialect　until　she　becomes　the　Champollion　of　New　England　or　Western

or　Southern　barbarisms。　　She　has　learned　that　haow　means　what；　that

think…in'　is　the　same　thing　as　thinking；　or　she　has　found　out　the

meaning　of　that　extraordinary　mono　syllable；　which　no　single…tongued

phonographer　can　make　legible；　prevailing　on　the　banks　of　the　Hudson

and　at　its　embouchure；　and　elsewhere；what　they　say　when　they　think

they　say　first；　（fe…eest；fe　as　in　the　French　le）；or　that　cheer

means　chair；or　that　urritation　means　irritation；and　so　of　other

enormities。　　Nothing　surprises　her。　　The　highest　breeding；　you　know；

comes　round　to　the　Indian　standard；to　take　everything　coolly；nil

admirari；if　you　happen　to　be　learned　and　like　the　Roman　phrase　for

the　same　thing。



If　you　like　the　company　of　people　that　stare　at　you　from　head　to

foot　to　see　if　there　is　a　hole　in　your　coat；　or　if　you　have　not

grown　a　little　older；　or　if　your　eyes　are　not　yellow　with　jaundice；

or　if　your　complexion　is　not　a　little　faded；　and　so　on；　and　then

convey　the　fact　to　you；　in　the　style　in　which　the　Poor　Relation

addressed　the　divinity…student；go　with　them　as　much　as　you　like。

I　hate　the　sight　of　the　wretches。　　Don't　for　mercy's　sake　think　I

hate　them；　the　distinction　is　one　my　friend　or　I　drew　long　ago。　　No

matter　where　you　find　such　people；　they　are　clowns。



The　rich　woman　who　looks　and　talks　in　this　way　is　not　half　so　much　a

lady　as　her　Irish　servant；　whose　pretty　〃saving　your　presence；〃　when

she　has　to　say　something　which　offends　her　natural　sense　of　good

manners；　has　a　hint　in　it　of　the　breeding　of　courts；　and　the　blood

of　old　Milesian　kings；　which　very　likely　runs　in　her　veins；thinned

by　two　hundred　years　of　potato；　which；　being　an　underground　fruit；

tends　to　drag　down　the　generations　that　are　made　of　it　to　the　earth

from　which　it　came；　and；　filling　their　veins　with　starch；　turn　them

into　a　kind　of　human　vegetable。



I　say；　if　you　like　such　people；　go　with　them。　　But　I　am　going　to

make　a　practical　application　of　the　example　at　the　beginning　of　this

particular　record；　which　some　young　people　who　are　going　to　choose

professional　advisers　by…and…by　may　remember　and　thank　me　for。　　If

you　are　making　choice　of　a　physician；　be　sure　you　get　one；　if

possible；　with　a　cheerful　and　serene　countenance。　　A　physician　is

notat　least；　ought　not　to　bean　executioner；　and　a　sentence　of

death　on　his　face　is　as　bad　as　a　warrant　for　execution　signed　by　the

Governor。　　As　a　general　rule；　no　man　has　a　right　to　tell　another　by

word　or　look　that　he　is　going　to　die。　　It　may　be　necessary　in　some

extreme　cases；　but　as　a