lazy tour of two idle apprentices-第1章

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The　Lazy　Tour　of　Two　Idle　Apprentices



by　Charles　Dickens













CHAPTER　I







In　the　autumn　month　of　September；　eighteen　hundred　and　fifty…seven；

wherein　these　presents　bear　date；　two　idle　apprentices；　exhausted

by　the　long；　hot　summer；　and　the　long；　hot　work　it　had　brought　with

it；　ran　away　from　their　employer。　　They　were　bound　to　a　highly

meritorious　lady　（named　Literature）；　of　fair　credit　and　repute；

though；　it　must　be　acknowledged；　not　quite　so　highly　esteemed　in

the　City　as　she　might　be。　　This　is　the　more　remarkable；　as　there　is

nothing　against　the　respectable　lady　in　that　quarter；　but　quite　the

contrary；　her　family　having　rendered　eminent　service　to　many　famous

citizens　of　London。　　It　may　be　sufficient　to　name　Sir　William

Walworth；　Lord　Mayor　under　King　Richard　II。；　at　the　time　of　Wat

Tyler's　insurrection；　and　Sir　Richard　Whittington：　　which　latter

distinguished　man　and　magistrate　was　doubtless　indebted　to　the

lady's　family　for　the　gift　of　his　celebrated　cat。　　There　is　also

strong　reason　to　suppose　that　they　rang　the　Highgate　bells　for　him

with　their　own　hands。



The　misguided　young　men　who　thus　shirked　their　duty　to　the　mistress

from　whom　they　had　received　many　favours；　were　actuated　by　the　low

idea　of　making　a　perfectly　idle　trip；　in　any　direction。　　They　had

no　intention　of　going　anywhere　in　particular；　they　wanted　to　see

nothing；　they　wanted　to　know　nothing；　they　wanted　to　learn　nothing；

they　wanted　to　do　nothing。　　They　wanted　only　to　be　idle。　　They　took

to　themselves　（after　HOGARTH）；　the　names　of　Mr。　Thomas　Idle　and　Mr。

Francis　Goodchild；　but　there　was　not　a　moral　pin　to　choose　between

them；　and　they　were　both　idle　in　the　last　degree。



Between　Francis　and　Thomas；　however；　there　was　this　difference　of

character：　　Goodchild　was　laboriously　idle；　and　would　take　upon

himself　any　amount　of　pains　and　labour　to　assure　himself　that　he

was　idle；　in　short；　had　no　better　idea　of　idleness　than　that　it　was

useless　industry。　　Thomas　Idle；　on　the　other　hand；　was　an　idler　of

the　unmixed　Irish　or　Neapolitan　type；　a　passive　idler；　a　born…and…

bred　idler；　a　consistent　idler；　who　practised　what　he　would　have

preached　if　he　had　not　been　too　idle　to　preach；　a　one　entire　and

perfect　chrysolite　of　idleness。



The　two　idle　apprentices　found　themselves；　within　a　few　hours　of

their　escape；　walking　down　into　the　North　of　England；　that　is　to

say；　Thomas　was　lying　in　a　meadow；　looking　at　the　railway　trains　as

they　passed　over　a　distant　viaduct　…　which　was　HIS　idea　of　walking

down　into　the　North；　while　Francis　was　walking　a　mile　due　South

against　time　…　which　was　HIS　idea　of　walking　down　into　the　North。

In　the　meantime　the　day　waned；　and　the　milestones　remained

unconquered。



'Tom；'　said　Goodchild；　'the　sun　is　getting　low。　　Up；　and　let　us　go

forward！'



'Nay；'　quoth　Thomas　Idle；　'I　have　not　done　with　Annie　Laurie　yet。'

And　he　proceeded　with　that　idle　but　popular　ballad；　to　the　effect

that　for　the　bonnie　young　person　of　that　name　he　would　'lay　him

doon　and　dee'　…　equivalent；　in　prose；　to　lay　him　down　and　die。



'What　an　ass　that　fellow　was！'　cried　Goodchild；　with　the　bitter

emphasis　of　contempt。



'Which　fellow？'　asked　Thomas　Idle。



'The　fellow　in　your　song。　　Lay　him　doon　and　dee！　　Finely　he'd　show

off　before　the　girl　by　doing　THAT。　　A　sniveller！　　Why　couldn't　he

get　up；　and　punch　somebody's　head！'



'Whose？'　asked　Thomas　Idle。



'Anybody's。　　Everybody's　would　be　better　than　nobody's！　　If　I　fell

into　that　state　of　mind　about　a　girl；　do　you　think　I'd　lay　me　doon

and　dee？　　No；　sir；'　proceeded　Goodchild；　with　a　disparaging

assumption　of　the　Scottish　accent；　'I'd　get　me　oop　and　peetch　into

somebody。　　Wouldn't　you？'



'I　wouldn't　have　anything　to　do　with　her；'　yawned　Thomas　Idle。

'Why　should　I　take　the　trouble？'



'It's　no　trouble；　Tom；　to　fall　in　love；'　said　Goodchild；　shaking

his　head。



'It's　trouble　enough　to　fall　out　of　it；　once　you're　in　it；'

retorted　Tom。　　'So　I　keep　out　of　it　altogether。　　It　would　be　better

for　you；　if　you　did　the　same。'



Mr。　Goodchild；　who　is　always　in　love　with　somebody；　and　not

unfrequently　with　several　objects　at　once；　made　no　reply。　　He

heaved　a　sigh　of　the　kind　which　is　termed　by　the　lower　orders　'a

bellowser；'　and　then；　heaving　Mr。　Idle　on　his　feet　（who　was　not

half　so　heavy　as　the　sigh）；　urged　him　northward。



These　two　had　sent　their　personal　baggage　on　by　train：　　only

retaining　each　a　knapsack。　　Idle　now　applied　himself　to　constantly

regretting　the　train；　to　tracking　it　through　the　intricacies　of

Bradshaw's　Guide；　and　finding　out　where　it　is　now　…　and　where　now　…

and　where　now　…　and　to　asking　what　was　the　use　of　walking；　when　you

could　ride　at　such　a　pace　as　that。　　Was　it　to　see　the　country？　　If

that　was　the　object；　look　at　it　out　of　the　carriage　windows。　　There

was　a　great　deal　more　of　it　to　be　seen　there　than　here。　　Besides；

who　wanted　to　see　the　country？　　Nobody。　　And　again；　whoever　did

walk？　　Nobody。　　Fellows　set　off　to　walk；　but　they　never　did　it。

They　came　back　and　said　they　did；　but　they　didn't。　　Then　why　should

he　walk？　　He　wouldn't　walk。　　He　swore　it　by　this　milestone！



It　was　the　fifth　from　London；　so　far　had　they　penetrated　into　the

North。　　Submitting　to　the　powerful　chain　of　argument；　Goodchild

proposed　a　return　to　the　Metropolis；　and　a　falling　back　upon　Euston

Square　Terminus。　　Thomas　assented　with　alacrity；　and　so　they　walked

down　into　the　North　by　the　next　morning's　express；　and　carried

their　knapsacks　in　the　luggage…van。



It　was　like　all　other　expresses；　as　every　express　is　and　must　be。

It　bore　through　the　harvest　country　a　smell　like　a　large　washing…

day；　and　a　sharp　issue　of　steam　as　from　a　huge　brazen　tea…urn。　　The

greatest　power　in　nature　and　art　combined；　it　yet　glided　over

dangerous　heights　in　the　sight　of　people　looking　up　from　fields　and

roads；　as　smoothly　and　unreally　as　a　light　miniature　plaything。

Now；　the　engine　shrieked　in　hysterics　of　such　intensity；　that　it

seemed　desirable　that　the　men　who　had　her　in　charge　should　hold　her

feet；　slap　her　hands；　and　bring　her　to；　now；　burrowed　into　tunnels

with　a　stubborn　and　undemonstrative　energy　so　confusing　that　the

train　seemed　to　be　flying　back　into　leagues　of　darkness。　　Here；

were　station　after　station；　swallowed　up　by　the　express　without

stopping；　here；　stations　where　it　fired　itself　in　like　a　volley　of

cannon…balls；　swooped　away　four　country…people　with　nosegays；　and

three　men　of　business　with　portmanteaus；　and　fired　itself　off

again；　bang；　bang；　bang！　　At　long　intervals　were　uncomfortable

refreshment…rooms；　made　more　uncomfortable　by　the　scorn　of　Beauty

towards　Beast；　the　public　（but　to　whom　she　never　relented；　as

Beauty　did　in　the　story；　towards　the　other　Beast）；　and　where

sensitive　stomachs　were　fed；　with　a　contemptuous　sharpness

occasioning　indigestion。　　Here；　again；　were　stations　with　nothing

going　but　a　bell；　and　wonderful　wooden　razors　set　aloft　on　great

posts；　shaving　the　air。　　In　these　fields；　the　horses；　sheep；　and

cattle　were　well　used　to　the　thundering　meteor；　and　didn't　mind；　in

those；　they　were　all　set　scampering　together；　and　a　herd　of　pigs

scoured　after　them。　　The　pastoral　country　darkened；　became　coaly；

became　smoky；　became　infernal；　got　better；　got　worse；　improved

again；　grew　rugged；　turned　romantic；　was　a　wood；　a　stream；　a　chain

of　hills；　a　gorge；　a　moor；　a　cathedral　town；　a　fortified　place；　a

waste。　　Now；　miserable　black　dwellings；　a　black　canal；　and　sick

black　towers　of　chimneys；　now；　a　trim　garden；　where　the　flowers

were　bright　and　fair；　now；　a　wilderness　of　hideous　altars　all　a…

blaze；　now；　the　water　meadows　with　their　fairy　rings；　now；　the

mangy　patch　of　unlet　building　ground　outside　the　stagnant　town；

with　the　larger　ring　where　the　Circus　was　last　week。　　The

temperature　changed；　the　dialect　changed；　the　people　changed；　faces

got　sharper；　manner　got　shorter；　eyes　got　shrewder　and　harder；　yet

all　so　quickly；　that　the　spruce　guard　in　the　London　uniform　and

silver　lace；　had　not　yet　rumpled　his　shirt…collar；　delivered　half

the　dispatches　in　his　shiny　little　pouch；　or　read　his　newspaper。



Carlisle！　　Idle　and　Goodchild　had　got　to　Carlisle。　　It　looked

congenially　and　delightfully　idle。　　Something　in　the　way　of　public

amusement　had　happened　last　month；　and　something　else　was　going　to

happen　before　Christmas；　and；　in　the　meantime　there　was　a　lecture

on　India　for　those　who　liked　it　…　which　Idle　and　Goodchild　did　not。

Likewise；　by　those　who　liked　them；　there　were　impressions　to　be

bought　of　all　the　vapid　prints；　going　and　gone；　and　of　nearly　all

the　vapid　books。　　For　those　who　wanted　to　put　anything　in

missionary　boxes；　here　were　the　boxes。　　For　those　who　wanted　the

Reverend　Mr。　Podgers　（artist's　proofs；　thirty　shillings）；　here　was

Mr。　Podgers　to　any　amount。　　Not　less　gracious　and　abundant；　Mr。

Codgers　also　of　the　vineyard；　but　opposed　to　Mr。　Podgers；　brotherly

tooth　and　nail。　　Here；　were　guide…books　to　the　neighbouring

antiquities；　and　eke　the　Lake　country；　in　several　dry　and　husky

sorts；　here；　many　physically　and　morally　impossible　heads　of　both

sexes；　for　young　ladies　to　copy；　in　the　exercise　of　the　art　of

drawing；　here；　further；　a　large　impression　of　MR。　SPURGEON；　solid

as　to　the　flesh；　not　to　say　even　something　gross。　　The　working

young　men　of　Carlisle　were　drawn　up；　with　their　hands　in　their

pockets；　across　the　pavements；　four　and　six　abreast；　and　appeared

（much　to　the　satisfaction　of　Mr。　Idle）　to　have　nothing　else　to　do。

The　working　and　growing　young　women　of　Carlisle；　from　the　age　of

twelve　upwards；　promenaded　the　streets　in　the　cool　of　the　evening；

and　rallied　the　said　young　men。　　Sometimes　the　young　men　rallied

the　young　women；　as　in　the　case　of　a　group　gathered　round　an

accordion…player；　from　among　whom　a　young　man　advanced　behind　a

young　woman　for　whom　he　appeared　to　have　a　tenderness；　and　hinted

to　her　that　he　was　there　and　playful；　by　giving　her　（he　wore　clogs）

a　kick。



On　market　morning；　Carlisle　woke　up　amazingly；　and　became　（to　the

two　Idle　Apprentices）　disagreeably　and　reproachfully　busy。　　There

were　its　cattle　market；　its　sheep　market；　and　its　pig　market　down

by　the　river；　with　raw…boned　and　shock…headed　Rob　Roys　hiding　their

Lowland　dresses　beneath　heavy　plaids；　prowling　in　and　out　among　the

animals；　and　flavouring　the　air　with　fumes　of　whiskey。　　There　was

its　corn　market　down　the　main　street；　with　hum　of　chaffering　over

open　sacks。　　There　was　its　general　market　in　the　street　too；　with

heather　brooms　on　which　the　purple　flower　still　flourished；　and

heather　baskets　primitive　and　fresh　to　behold。　　With　women　trying

on　clogs　and　caps　at　open　stalls；　and　'Bible　stalls'　adjoining。

With　'Doctor　Mantle's　Dispensary　for　the　cure　of　all　Human　Maladies

and　no　charge　for　advice；'　and　with　Doctor　Mantle's　'Laboratory　of

Medical；　Chemical；　and　Botanic