stories by english authors-orient (英国作家故事集)-第25章
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He glanced eagerly round him； and then； with a sudden quickening of
the heart； walked on over the springy heather to where she sat。 She turned
when the rustling his footsteps made through the bracken was near enough
to arrest her attention； and looked up at him as he came。 Then she rose
slowly and stood waiting for him。 He came up to her without a word； and
seized both her hands； devouring her face with his eyes。 Something he saw
there repelled him。 Slowly he let her hands fall； still looking at her silently。
〃You are not glad to see me； and I have counted the hours；〃 he said； at last；
in a dull； toneless voice。
Her lips quivered。 〃Don't be angry with meI can't help itI'm not
glad or sorry for anything now；〃 she answered； and her voice matched his
for grayness。
They sat down together on a long flat stone half embedded in a wiry
clump of whortleberries。 Behind them the lonely hillsides rose； brilliant
with yellow bracken and the purple of heather。 Before them stretched the
wide sea。 It was a soft； gray day。 Streaks of pale sunlight trembled at
moments far out on the water。 The tide was rising in the little bay above
which they sat； and Broomhurst watched the lazy foam…edged waves
slipping over the uncovered rocks toward the shore； then sliding back as
though for very weariness they despaired of reaching it。 The muffled；
pulsing sound of the sea filled the silence。 Broomhurst thought suddenly
of hot Eastern sunshine； of the whir of insect wings on the still air； and the
creaking of a wheel in the distance。 He turned and looked at his
companion。
〃I have come thousands of miles to see you；〃 he said； 〃aren't you going
to speak to me now I am here？〃
〃Why did you come？ I told you not to come；〃 she answered；
falteringly。 〃I〃 she paused。
〃And I replied that I should follow youif you remember；〃 he
answered； still quietly。 〃I came because I would not listen to what you said
then； at that awful time。 You didn't know /yourself/ what you said。 No
wonder！ I have given you some months； and now I have come。〃
There was silence between them。 Broomhurst saw that she was crying；
her tears fell fast on to her hands； that were clasped in her lap。 Her face； he
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noticed； was thin and drawn。
Very gently he put his arm round her shoulder and drew her nearer to
him。 She made no resistance； it seemed that she did not notice the
movement； and his arm dropped at his side。
〃You asked me why I had come。 You think it possible that three
months can change one very thoroughly； then？〃 he said； in a cold voice。
〃I not only think it possible； I have proved it；〃 she replied； wearily。
He turned round and faced her。
〃You /did/ love me； Kathleen！〃 he asserted。 〃You never said so in
words； but I know it；〃 he added； fiercely。
〃Yes； I did。〃
〃Andyou mean that you don't now？〃
Her voice was very tired。 〃Yes； I can't help it；〃 she answered； 〃it has
goneutterly。〃
The gray sea slowly lapped the rocks。 Overhead the sharp scream of a
gull cut through the stillness。 It was broken again； a moment afterward； by
a short hard laugh from the man。
〃Don't！〃 she whispered； and laid a hand swiftly on his arm。 〃Do you
think it isn't worse for me？ I wish to God I /did/ love you！〃 she cried；
passionately。 〃Perhaps it would make me forget that； to all intents and
purposes； I am a murderess。
Broomhurst met her wide； despairing eyes with an amazement which
yielded to sudden pitying comprehension。
〃So that is it； my darling？ You are worrying about /that/？ You who
were as loyal as〃
She stopped him with a frantic gesture。
〃Don't！ /don't！/〃 she wailed。 〃If you only knew！ Let me try to tell you
will you？〃 she urged； pitifully。 〃It may be better if I tell some oneif I
don't keep it all to myself； and think； and /think/。〃
She clasped her hands tight； with the old gesture he remembered when
she was struggling for self…control； and waited a moment。
Presently she began to speak in a low； hurried tone： 〃It began before
you came。 I know now what the feeling was that I was afraid to
acknowledge to myself。 I used to try and smother it； I used to repeat things
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to myself all daypoems； stupid rhymes/anything/ to keep my thoughts
quite underneathbut I/hated/ John before you came！ We had been
married nearly a year then。 I never loved him。 Of course you are going to
say； 'Why did you marry him？' 〃 She looked drearily over the placid sea。
〃Why /did/ I marry him？ I don't know； for the reason that hundreds of
ignorant； inexperienced girls marry； I suppose。 My home wasn't a happy
one。 I was miserable； and oh/restless/。 I wonder if men know what it
feels like to be restless？ Sometimes I think they can't even guess。 John
wanted me very badly； nobody wanted me at home particularly。 There
didn't seem to be any point in my life。 Do you understand？ 。 。 。 Of course；
being alone with him in that little camp in that silent plain〃she
shuddered〃made things worse。 My nerves went all to pieces。 Everything
he said； his voice； his accent； his walk； the way he ate； irritated me so that
I longed to rush out sometimes and shriekand go /mad/。 Does it sound
ridiculous to you to be driven mad by such trifles？ I only know I used to
get up from the table sometimes and walk up and down outside； with both
hands over my mouth to keep myself quiet。 And all the time I /hated/
myselfhow I hated myself！ I never had a word from him that wasn't
gentle and tender。 I believe he loved the ground I walked on。 Oh； it is
/awful/ to be loved like that when you〃 She drew in her breath with a sob。
〃IIit made me sick for him to come near meto touch me。〃 She stopped
a moment。
Broomhurst gently laid his hand on her quivering one。 〃Poor little
girl！〃 he murmured。
〃Then /you/ came；〃 she said； 〃and before long I had another feeling to
fight against。 At first I thought it couldn't be true that I loved you it
would die down。 I think I was /frightened/ at the feeling； I didn't know it
hurt so to love any one。〃
Broomhurst stirred a little。 〃Go on；〃 he said； tersely。
〃But it didn't die；〃 she continued； in a trembling whisper； 〃and the
other /awful/ feeling grew stronger and strongerhatred； no； that is not the
word/loathing/ forforJohn。 I fought against it。 Yes；〃 she cried；
feverishly； clasping and unclasping her hands； 〃Heaven knows I fought it
with all my strength； and reasoned with myself； and oh； I did
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/everything/； but〃 Her quick…falling tears made speech difficult。
〃Kathleen！〃 Broomhurst urged； desperately； 〃you couldn't help it； you
poor child。 You say yourself you struggled against your feelings。 You were
always gentle； perhaps he didn't know。〃
〃But he didhe /did/；〃 she wailed； 〃it is just that。 I hurt him a hundred
times a day； he never said so； but I knew it； and yet I /couldn't/ be kind to
him；except in words；and he understood。 And after you came it was
worse in one way； for he knewI /felt/ he knew that I loved you。 His
eyes used to follow me like a dog's； and I was stabbed with remorse； and I
tried to be good to him； but I couldn't。〃
〃Buthe didn't suspecthe trusted you；〃 began Broomhurst。 〃He had
every reason。 No woman was ever so loyal； so〃
〃Hush！〃 she almost screamed。 〃Loyal！ it was the least I could doto
stop you； I meanwhen youAfter all； I knew it without your telling me。 I
had deliberately married him without loving him。 It was my own fault。 I
felt it。 Even if I couldn't prevent his knowing that I hated him； I could
prevent /that/。 It was my punishment。 I deserved it for /daring/ to marry
without love。 But I didn't spare John one pang after all；〃 she added；
bitterly。 〃He knew what I felt toward him； I don't think he cared about
anything else。 You say I mustn't reproach myself？ When I went back to the
tent that morningwhen youwhen I stopped you from saying you loved
me； he was sitting at the table with his head buried in his hands； he was
cryingbitterly。 I saw him；it is terrible to see a man cry；and I stole
away gently； but he saw me。 I was torn to pieces； but I /couldn't/ go to him。
I knew he would kiss me； and I shuddered to think of it。 It seemed more
than ever not to be borne that he should do thatwhen I knew /you/ loved
me。〃
〃Kathleen；〃 cried her lover； again； 〃don't dwell on it all so terribly
don't〃
〃How can I forget？〃 she answered； despairingly。 〃And then；〃she
lowered her voice；〃oh； I can't tell youall the time； at the back of my
mind somewhere； there was a burning wish that he might /die/。 I used to
lie awake at night； and； do what I would to stifle it； that thought used to
/scorch/ me； I wished it so intensely。 Do you believe that by willing one
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can bring such things to pass？〃 she asked； looking at Broomhurst with
feverishly bright eyes。 〃No？ Well； I don't know。 I tried to smother it；I
/really/ tried；but it was there； whatever other thoughts I heaped on the
top。 Then； when I heard the horse galloping across the plain that morning；
I had a sick fear that it was /you/。 I knew something had happened； and my
first thought when I saw you alive and
