the turn of the screw-第15章

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I　only　sat　there　on　my　tomb　and　read　into　what　my　little

friend　had　said　to　me　the　fullness　of　its　meaning；

by　the　time　I　had　grasped　the　whole　of　which　I　had　also　embraced；

for　absence；　the　pretext　that　I　was　ashamed　to　offer　my　pupils

and　the　rest　of　the　congregation　such　an　example　of　delay。

What　I　said　to　myself　above　all　was　that　Miles　had　got　something

out　of　me　and　that　the　proof　of　it；　for　him；　would　be　just　this

awkward　collapse。　　He　had　got　out　of　me　that　there　was　something

I　was　much　afraid　of　and　that　he　should　probably　be　able　to　make

use　of　my　fear　to　gain；　for　his　own　purpose；　more　freedom。

My　fear　was　of　having　to　deal　with　the　intolerable　question

of　the　grounds　of　his　dismissal　from　school；　for　that　was

really　but　the　question　of　the　horrors　gathered　behind。

That　his　uncle　should　arrive　to　treat　with　me　of　these　things

was　a　solution　that；　strictly　speaking；　I　ought　now　to　have

desired　to　bring　on；　but　I　could　so　little　face　the　ugliness

and　the　pain　of　it　that　I　simply　procrastinated　and　lived

from　hand　to　mouth。　　The　boy；　to　my　deep　discomposure；

was　immensely　in　the　right；　was　in　a　position　to　say　to　me：

〃Either　you　clear　up　with　my　guardian　the　mystery　of　this

interruption　of　my　studies；　or　you　cease　to　expect　me

to　lead　with　you　a　life　that's　so　unnatural　for　a　boy。〃

What　was　so　unnatural　for　the　particular　boy　I　was　concerned

with　was　this　sudden　revelation　of　a　consciousness　and　a　plan。



That　was　what　really　overcame　me；　what　prevented　my　going　in。

I　walked　round　the　church；　hesitating；　hovering；　I　reflected

that　I　had　already；　with　him；　hurt　myself　beyond　repair。

Therefore　I　could　patch　up　nothing；　and　it　was　too

extreme　an　effort　to　squeeze　beside　him　into　the　pew：

he　would　be　so　much　more　sure　than　ever　to　pass　his　arm

into　mine　and　make　me　sit　there　for　an　hour　in　close；

silent　contact　with　his　commentary　on　our　talk。　　For　the　first

minute　since　his　arrival　I　wanted　to　get　away　from　him。

As　I　paused　beneath　the　high　east　window　and　listened　to　the　sounds

of　worship；　I　was　taken　with　an　impulse　that　might　master　me；

I　felt；　completely　should　I　give　it　the　least　encouragement。

I　might　easily　put　an　end　to　my　predicament　by　getting

away　altogether。　　Here　was　my　chance；　there　was　no　one　to　stop　me；

I　could　give　the　whole　thing　upturn　my　back　and　retreat。

It　was　only　a　question　of　hurrying　again；　for　a　few　preparations；

to　the　house　which　the　attendance　at　church　of　so　many　of

the　servants　would　practically　have　left　unoccupied。　　No　one；

in　short；　could　blame　me　if　I　should　just　drive　desperately　off。

What　was　it　to　get　away　if　I　got　away　only　till　dinner？

That　would　be　in　a　couple　of　hours；　at　the　end　of　which

I　had　the　acute　previsionmy　little　pupils　would　play　at

innocent　wonder　about　my　nonappearance　in　their　train。



〃What　DID　you　do；　you　naughty；　bad　thing？　　Why　in　the　world；

to　worry　us　soand　take　our　thoughts　off；　too；　don't　you　know？

did　you　desert　us　at　the　very　door？〃　　I　couldn't　meet　such

questions　nor；　as　they　asked　them；　their　false　little　lovely　eyes；

yet　it　was　all　so　exactly　what　I　should　have　to　meet　that；

as　the　prospect　grew　sharp　to　me；　I　at　last　let　myself　go。



I　got；　so　far　as　the　immediate　moment　was　concerned；　away；　I　came　straight

out　of　the　churchyard　and；　thinking　hard；　retraced　my　steps　through　the　park。

It　seemed　to　me　that　by　the　time　I　reached　the　house　I　had　made　up　my　mind　I

would　fly。　　The　Sunday　stillness　both　of　the　approaches　and　of　the　interior；

in　which　I　met　no　one；　fairly　excited　me　with　a　sense　of　opportunity。

Were　I　to　get　off　quickly；　this　way；　I　should　get　off　without　a　scene；

without　a　word。　　My　quickness　would　have　to　be　remarkable；　however；

and　the　question　of　a　conveyance　was　the　great　one　to　settle。

Tormented；　in　the　hall；　with　difficulties　and　obstacles；　I　remember

sinking　down　at　the　foot　of　the　staircasesuddenly　collapsing　there

on　the　lowest　step　and　then；　with　a　revulsion；　recalling　that　it

was　exactly　where　more　than　a　month　before；　in　the　darkness　of　night

and　just　so　bowed　with　evil　things；　I　had　seen　the　specter　of　the　most

horrible　of　women。　　At　this　I　was　able　to　straighten　myself；　I　went

the　rest　of　the　way　up；　I　made；　in　my　bewilderment；　for　the　schoolroom；

where　there　were　objects　belonging　to　me　that　I　should　have　to　take。

But　I　opened　the　door　to　find　again；　in　a　flash；　my　eyes　unsealed。

In　the　presence　of　what　I　saw　I　reeled　straight　back　upon　my　resistance。



Seated　at　my　own　table　in　clear　noonday　light　I　saw　a　person　whom；

without　my　previous　experience；　I　should　have　taken　at

the　first　blush　for　some　housemaid　who　might　have　stayed

at　home　to　look　after　the　place　and　who；　availing　herself

of　rare　relief　from　observation　and　of　the　schoolroom

table　and　my　pens；　ink；　and　paper；　had　applied　herself

to　the　considerable　effort　of　a　letter　to　her　sweetheart。

There　was　an　effort　in　the　way　that；　while　her　arms　rested　on

the　table；　her　hands　with　evident　weariness　supported　her　head；

but　at　the　moment　I　took　this　in　I　had　already　become　aware　that；

in　spite　of　my　entrance；　her　attitude　strangely　persisted。

Then　it　waswith　the　very　act　of　its　announcing　itself

that　her　identity　flared　up　in　a　change　of　posture。

She　rose；　not　as　if　she　had　heard　me；　but　with　an　indescribable

grand　melancholy　of　indifference　and　detachment；　and；　within　a

dozen　feet　of　me；　stood　there　as　my　vile　predecessor。

Dishonored　and　tragic；　she　was　all　before　me；　but　even　as　I

fixed　and；　for　memory；　secured　it；　the　awful　image　passed　away。

Dark　as　midnight　in　her　black　dress；　her　haggard　beauty　and　her

unutterable　woe；　she　had　looked　at　me　long　enough　to　appear　to　say

that　her　right　to　sit　at　my　table　was　as　good　as　mine　to　sit　at　hers。

While　these　instants　lasted；　indeed；　I　had　the　extraordinary

chill　of　feeling　that　it　was　I　who　was　the　intruder。

It　was　as　a　wild　protest　against　it　that；　actually　addressing

her〃You　terrible；　miserable　woman！〃I　heard　myself　break

into　a　sound　that；　by　the　open　door；　rang　through　the　long

passage　and　the　empty　house。　　She　looked　at　me　as　if　she

heard　me；　but　I　had　recovered　myself　and　cleared　the　air。

There　was　nothing　in　the　room　the　next　minute　but　the　sunshine

and　a　sense　that　I　must　stay。







　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　XVI





I　had　so　perfectly　expected　that　the　return　of　my　pupils　would

be　marked　by　a　demonstration　that　I　was　freshly　upset　at　having

to　take　into　account　that　they　were　dumb　about　my　absence。

Instead　of　gaily　denouncing　and　caressing　me；　they　made　no　allusion

to　my　having　failed　them；　and　I　was　left；　for　the　time；　on　perceiving

that　she　too　said　nothing；　to　study　Mrs。　Grose's　odd　face。

I　did　this　to　such　purpose　that　I　made　sure　they　had　in　some

way　bribed　her　to　silence；　a　silence　that；　however；　I　would

engage　to　break　down　on　the　first　private　opportunity。

This　opportunity　came　before　tea：　　I　secured　five　minutes

with　her　in　the　housekeeper's　room；　where；　in　the　twilight；

amid　a　smell　of　lately　baked　bread；　but　with　the　place　all

swept　and　garnished；　I　found　her　sitting　in　pained　placidity

before　the　fire。　　So　I　see　her　still；　so　I　see　her　best：

facing　the　flame　from　her　straight　chair　in　the　dusky；

shining　room；　a　large　clean　image　of　the　〃put　away〃

of　drawers　closed　and　locked　and　rest　without　a　remedy。



〃Oh；　yes；　they　asked　me　to　say　nothing；　and　to　please　them

so　long　as　they　were　thereof　course　I　promised。

But　what　had　happened　to　you？〃



〃I　only　went　with　you　for　the　walk；〃　I　said。　　〃I　had　then　to　come

back　to　meet　a　friend。〃



She　showed　her　surprise。　　〃A　friendYOU？〃



〃Oh；　yes；　I　have　a　couple！〃　　I　laughed。　　〃But　did　the　children　give

you　a　reason？〃



〃For　not　alluding　to　your　leaving　us？　　Yes；　they　said　you　would

like　it　better。　　Do　you　like　it　better？〃



My　face　had　made　her　rueful。　　〃No；　I　like　it　worse！〃

But　after　an　instant　I　added：　　〃Did　they　say　why　I　should

like　it　better？〃



〃No；　Master　Miles　only　said；　〃We　must　do　nothing　but　what　she　likes！〃



〃I　wish　indeed　he　would。　　And　what　did　Flora　say？〃



〃Miss　Flora　was　too　sweet。　　She　said；　‘Oh；　of　course；　of　course！'

and　I　said　the　same。〃



I　thought　a　moment。　　〃You　were　too　sweet；　tooI　can　hear　you　all。

But　nonetheless；　between　Miles　and　me；　it's　now　all　out。〃



〃All　out？〃　　My　companion　stared。　　〃But　what；　miss？〃



〃Everything。　　It　doesn't　matter。　　I've　made　up　my　mind。

I　came　home；　my　dear；〃　I　went　on；　〃for　a　talk　with　Miss　Jessel。〃



I　had　by　this　time　formed　the　habit　of　having　Mrs。　Grose

literally　well　in　hand　in　advance　of　my　sounding　that　note；

so　that　even　now；　as　she　bravely　blinked　under　the　signal

of　my　word；　I　could　keep　her　comparatively　firm。　　〃A　talk！

Do　you　mean　she　spoke？〃



〃It　came　to　that。　　I　found　her；　on　my　return；　in　the　schoolroom。〃



〃And　what　did　she　say？〃　　I　can　hear　the　good　woman　still；

and　the　candor　of　her　stupefaction。



〃That　she　suffers　the　torments！〃



It　was　this；　of　a　truth；　that　made　her；　as　she　filled　out　my　picture；　gape。

〃Do　you　mean；〃　she　faltered；　〃of　the　lost？〃



〃Of　the　lost。　　Of　the　damned。　　And　that's　why；　to　share　them…〃

I　faltered　myself　with　the　horror　of　it。



But　my　companion；　with　less　imagination；　kept　me　up。

〃To　share　them？〃



〃She　wants　Flora。〃　　Mrs。　Grose　might；　as　I　gave　it　to　her；　fairly　have　fallen

away　from　me　had　I　not　been　prepared。　　I　still　held　her　there；　to　show　I　was。

〃As　I've　told　you；　however；　it　doesn't　matter。〃



〃Because　you've　made　up　your　mind？　　But　to　what？〃



〃To　everything。〃



〃And　what　do　you　call　‘everything'？〃



〃Why；　sending　for　their　uncle。〃



〃Oh；　miss；　in　pity　do；〃　my　friend　broke　out。



〃ah；　but　I　will；　I　WILL！　I　see　it's　the　only　way。

What's　‘out；'　as　I　told　you；　with　Miles　is　that　if　he　thinks

I'm　afraid　toand　has　ideas　of　what　he　gains　by　that

he　shall　see　he's　mistaken。　　Yes；　yes；　his　uncle　shall　have　it

here　from　me　on　the　spot　（and　before　the　boy　himself；　if　necessary）

that　if　I'm　to　be　reproached　with　having　done　nothing　again

about　more　school〃



〃Yes；　miss〃　my　companion　pressed　me。



〃Well；　there's　that　awful　reason。〃



There　were　now　clearly　so　many　of　these　for　my　poor　colleague　that　she

was　excusable　for　being　vague。　　〃Buta　which？〃



〃Why；　the　letter　from　his　old　place。〃



〃You'll　show　it　to　the　master？〃



〃I　ought　to　have　done　so　on　the　instant。〃



〃Oh；　no！〃　said　Mrs。　Grose　with　decision。



〃I'll　put　it　before　him；〃　I　went　on　inexorably；　〃that　I　can't　undertake

to　work　the　question　on　behalf　of　a　child　who　has　been　expelled〃



〃For　we've　never　in　the　least　known　what！〃　　Mrs。　Grose　declared。



〃For　wickedness。　　For　what　elsewhen　he's　so　clever　and　beautiful

and　perfect？　　Is　he　stupid？　　Is　he　untidy？　　Is　he　infirm？

Is　he　ill…natured？　He's　exquisiteso　it　can　be　only　THAT；

and　that　would　open　up　the　whole　thing。　　After　all；〃　I　said；

〃it'