the turn of the screw-第21章

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in　contemplation　of　the　stupid　shrubs　I　knew　and　the　dull

things　of　November。　　I　had　always　my　hypocrisy　of　〃work；〃

behind　which；　now；　I　gained　the　sofa。　　Steadying　myself

with　it　there　as　I　had　repeatedly　done　at　those　moments

of　torment　that　I　have　described　as　the　moments　of　my　knowing

the　children　to　be　given　to　something　from　which　I　was　barred；

I　sufficiently　obeyed　my　habit　of　being　prepared　for　the　worst。

But　an　extraordinary　impression　dropped　on　me　as　I

extracted　a　meaning　from　the　boy's　embarrassed　back

none　other　than　the　impression　that　I　was　not　barred　now。

This　inference　grew　in　a　few　minutes　to　sharp　intensity

and　seemed　bound　up　with　the　direct　perception　that　it　was

positively　HE　who　was。　　The　frames　and　squares　of　the　great

window　were　a　kind　of　image；　for　him；　of　a　kind　of　failure。

I　felt　that　I　saw　him；　at　any　rate；　shut　in　or　shut　out。

He　was　admirable；　but　not　comfortable：　　I　took　it　in　with　a

throb　of　hope。　　Wasn't　he　looking；　through　the　haunted　pane；

for　something　he　couldn't　see？and　wasn't　it　the　first　time

in　the　whole　business　that　he　had　known　such　a　lapse？

The　first；　the　very　first：　　I　found　it　a　splendid　portent。

It　made　him　anxious；　though　he　watched　himself；　he　had　been

anxious　all　day　and；　even　while　in　his　usual　sweet　little

manner　he　sat　at　table；　had　needed　all　his　small　strange

genius　to　give　it　a　gloss。　　When　he　at　last　turned　round

to　meet　me；　it　was　almost　as　if　this　genius　had　succumbed。

〃Well；　I　think　I'm　glad　Bly　agrees　with　ME！〃



〃You　would　certainly　seem　to　have　seen；　these　twenty…four　hours；

a　good　deal　more　of　it　than　for　some　time　before。　　I　hope；〃

I　went　on　bravely；　〃that　you've　been　enjoying　yourself。〃



〃Oh；　yes；　I've　been　ever　so　far；　all　round　aboutmiles　and　miles　away。

I've　never　been　so　free。〃



He　had　really　a　manner　of　his　own；　and　I　could　only　try　to　keep　up　with　him。

〃Well；　do　you　like　it？〃



He　stood　there　smiling；　then　at　last　he　put　into　two　words〃Do　YOU？〃

more　discrimination　than　I　had　ever　heard　two　words　contain。

Before　I　had　time　to　deal　with　that；　however；　he　continued　as　if

with　the　sense　that　this　was　an　impertinence　to　be　softened。

〃Nothing　could　be　more　charming　than　the　way　you　take　it；　for　of

course　if　we're　alone　together　now　it's　you　that　are　alone　most。

But　I　hope；〃　he　threw　in；　〃you　don't　particularly　mind！〃



〃Having　to　do　with　you？〃　　I　asked。　　〃My　dear　child；　how　can　I　help　minding？

Though　I've　renounced　all　claim　to　your　companyyou're　so　beyond　me

I　at　least　greatly　enjoy　it。　　What　else　should　I　stay　on　for？〃



He　looked　at　me　more　directly；　and　the　expression　of　his　face；

graver　now；　struck　me　as　the　most　beautiful　I　had　ever　found　in　it。

〃You　stay　on　just　for　THAT？〃



〃Certainly。　　I　stay　on　as　your　friend　and　from　the　tremendous

interest　I　take　in　you　till　something　can　be　done　for　you

that　may　be　more　worth　your　while。　　That　needn't　surprise　you。〃

My　voice　trembled　so　that　I　felt　it　impossible　to　suppress　the　shake。

〃Don't　you　remember　how　I　told　you；　when　I　came　and　sat　on　your

bed　the　night　of　the　storm；　that　there　was　nothing　in　the　world　I

wouldn't　do　for　you？〃



〃Yes；　yes！〃　　He；　on　his　side；　more　and　more　visibly　nervous；　had　a　tone

to　master；　but　he　was　so　much　more　successful　than　I　that；　laughing　out

through　his　gravity；　he　could　pretend　we　were　pleasantly　jesting。

〃Only　that；　I　think；　was　to　get　me　to　do　something　for　YOU！〃



〃It　was　partly　to　get　you　to　do　something；〃　I　conceded。

〃But；　you　know；　you　didn't　do　it。〃



〃Oh；　yes；〃　he　said　with　the　brightest　superficial　eagerness；

〃you　wanted　me　to　tell　you　something。〃



〃That's　it。　　Out；　straight　out。　　What　you　have　on　your　mind；　you　know。〃



〃Ah；　then；　is　THAT　what　you've　stayed　over　for？〃



He　spoke　with　a　gaiety　through　which　I　could　still　catch　the　finest

little　quiver　of　resentful　passion；　but　I　can't　begin　to　express

the　effect　upon　me　of　an　implication　of　surrender　even　so　faint。

It　was　as　if　what　I　had　yearned　for　had　come　at　last　only　to

astonish　me。　　〃Well；　yesI　may　as　well　make　a　clean　breast　of　it。

it　was　precisely　for　that。〃



He　waited　so　long　that　I　supposed　it　for　the　purpose　of　repudiating　the

assumption　on　which　my　action　had　been　founded；　but　what　he　finally　said　was：

〃Do　you　mean　nowhere？〃



〃There　couldn't　be　a　better　place　or　time。〃　　He　looked　round　him　uneasily；

and　I　had　the　rareoh；　the　queer！impression　of　the　very　first　symptom　I　had

seen　in　him　of　the　approach　of　immediate　fear。　　It　was　as　if　he　were　suddenly

afraid　of　mewhich　struck　me　indeed　as　perhaps　the　best　thing　to　make　him。

Yet　in　the　very　pang　of　the　effort　I　felt　it　vain　to　try　sternness；

and　I　heard　myself　the　next　instant　so　gentle　as　to　be　almost　grotesque。

〃You　want　so　to　go　out　again？〃



〃Awfully！〃　　He　smiled　at　me　heroically；　and　the　touching　little

bravery　of　it　was　enhanced　by　his　actually　flushing　with　pain。

He　had　picked　up　his　hat；　which　he　had　brought　in；　and　stood

twirling　it　in　a　way　that　gave　me；　even　as　I　was　just　nearly

reaching　port；　a　perverse　horror　of　what　I　was　doing。

To　do　it　in　ANY　way　was　an　act　of　violence；　for　what　did

it　consist　of　but　the　obtrusion　of　the　idea　of　grossness

and　guilt　on　a　small　helpless　creature　who　had　been　for　me

a　revelation　of　the　possibilities　of　beautiful　intercourse？

Wasn't　it　base　to　create　for　a　being　so　exquisite　a　mere

alien　awkwardness？　　I　suppose　I　now　read　into　our　situation

a　clearness　it　couldn't　have　had　at　the　time；　for　I　seem　to　see

our　poor　eyes　already　lighted　with　some　spark　of　a　prevision

of　the　anguish　that　was　to　come。　　So　we　circled　about；

with　terrors　and　scruples；　like　fighters　not　daring　to　close。

But　it　was　for　each　other　we　feared！　　That　kept　us　a　little

longer　suspended　and　unbruised。　　〃I'll　tell　you　everything；〃

Miles　said〃I　mean　I'll　tell　you　anything　you　like。

You'll　stay　on　with　me；　and　we　shall　both　be　all　right；

and　I　WILL　tell　youI　WILL。　　But　not　now。〃



〃Why　not　now？〃



My　insistence　turned　him　from　me　and　kept　him　once　more　at　his　window

in　a　silence　during　which；　between　us；　you　might　have　heard　a　pin　drop。

Then　he　was　before　me　again　with　the　air　of　a　person　for　whom；

outside；　someone　who　had　frankly　to　be　reckoned　with　was　waiting。

〃I　have　to　see　Luke。〃



I　had　not　yet　reduced　him　to　quite　so　vulgar　a　lie；　and　I　felt

proportionately　ashamed。　　But；　horrible　as　it　was；　his　lies　made

up　my　truth。　　I　achieved　thoughtfully　a　few　loops　of　my　knitting。

〃Well；　then；　go　to　Luke；　and　I'll　wait　for　what　you　promise。

Only；　in　return　for　that；　satisfy；　before　you　leave　me；

one　very　much　smaller　request。〃



He　looked　as　if　he　felt　he　had　succeeded　enough　to　be　able　still

a　little　to　bargain。　　〃Very　much　smaller？〃



〃Yes；　a　mere　fraction　of　the　whole。　　Tell　me〃oh；　my　work　preoccupied　me；

and　I　was　offhand！〃if；　yesterday　afternoon；　from　the　table　in　the　hall；

you　took；　you　know；　my　letter。〃







　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　XXIV





My　sense　of　how　he　received　this　suffered　for　a　minute　from　something

that　I　can　describe　only　as　a　fierce　split　of　my　attention

a　stroke　that　at　first；　as　I　sprang　straight　up；　reduced　me　to

the　mere　blind　movement　of　getting　hold　of　him；　drawing　him　close；

and；　while　I　just　fell　for　support　against　the　nearest　piece

of　furniture；　instinctively　keeping　him　with　his　back　to　the　window。

The　appearance　was　full　upon　us　that　I　had　already　had　to　deal　with　here：

Peter　Quint　had　come　into　view　like　a　sentinel　before　a　prison。

The　next　thing　I　saw　was　that；　from　outside；　he　had　reached　the　window；

and　then　I　knew　that；　close　to　the　glass　and　glaring　in　through　it；

he　offered　once　more　to　the　room　his　white　face　of　damnation。

It　represents　but　grossly　what　took　place　within　me　at　the　sight

to　say　that　on　the　second　my　decision　was　made；　yet　I　believe　that　no

woman　so　overwhelmed　ever　in　so　short　a　time　recovered　her　grasp

of　the　ACT。　　It　came　to　me　in　the　very　horror　of　the　immediate

presence　that　the　act　would　be；　seeing　and　facing　what　I　saw

and　faced；　to　keep　the　boy　himself　unaware。　　The　inspiration

I　can　call　it　by　no　other　namewas　that　I　felt　how　voluntarily；

how　transcendently；　I　MIGHT。　　It　was　like　fighting　with　a　demon

for　a　human　soul；　and　when　I　had　fairly　so　appraised　it　I　saw　how

the　human　soulheld　out；　in　the　tremor　of　my　hands；　at　arm's　length

had　a　perfect　dew　of　sweat　on　a　lovely　childish　forehead。

The　face　that　was　close　to　mine　was　as　white　as　the　face　against

the　glass；　and　out　of　it　presently　came　a　sound；　not　low　nor　weak；

but　as　if　from　much　further　away；　that　I　drank　like　a　waft　of　fragrance。



〃YesI　took　it。〃



At　this；　with　a　moan　of　joy；　I　enfolded；　I　drew　him　close；

and　while　I　held　him　to　my　breast；　where　I　could　feel　in　the　sudden

fever　of　his　little　body　the　tremendous　pulse　of　his　little　heart；

I　kept　my　eyes　on　the　thing　at　the　window　and　saw　it　move　and　shift

its　posture。　　I　have　likened　it　to　a　sentinel；　but　its　slow　wheel；

for　a　moment；　was　rather　the　prowl　of　a　baffled　beast。

My　present　quickened　courage；　however；　was　such　that；　not　too

much　to　let　it　through；　I　had　to　shade；　as　it　were；　my　flame。

Meanwhile　the　glare　of　the　face　was　again　at　the　window；　the　scoundrel

fixed　as　if　to　watch　and　wait。　　It　was　the　very　confidence

that　I　might　now　defy　him；　as　well　as　the　positive　certitude；

by　this　time；　of　the　child's　unconsciousness；　that　made　me　go　on。

〃What　did　you　take　it　for？〃



〃To　see　what　you　said　about　me。〃



〃You　opened　the　letter？〃



〃I　opened　it。〃



My　eyes　were　now；　as　I　held　him　off　a　little　again；

on　Miles's　own　face；　in　which　the　collapse　of　mockery

showed　me　how　complete　was　the　ravage　of　uneasiness。

What　was　prodigious　was　that　at　last；　by　my　success；

his　sense　was　sealed　and　his　communication　stopped：

he　knew　that　he　was　in　presence；　but　knew　not　of　what；

and　knew　still　less　that　I　also　was　and　that　I　did　know。

And　what　did　this　strain　of　trouble　matter　when　my　eyes

went　back　to　the　window　only　to　see　that　the　air　was　clear

again　andby　my　personal　triumphthe　influence　quenched？

There　was　nothing　there。　　I　felt　that　the　cause　was　mine

and　that　I　should　surely　get　ALL。　　〃And　you　found　nothing！〃

I　let　my　elation　out。



He　gave　the　most　mournful；　thoughtful　little　headshake。　　〃Nothing。〃



〃Nothing；　nothing！〃　　I　almost　shouted　in　my　joy。



〃Nothing；　nothing；〃　he　sadly　repeated。



I　kissed　his　forehead；　it　was　drenched。　　〃So　what　have　you　done　with　it？〃



〃I've　burned　it。〃



〃Burned　it？〃　　It　was　now　or　never。　　〃Is　that　what　you　did　at　school？〃



Oh；　what　this　brought　up！　　〃At　school？〃



〃Did　you　take　letters？or　other　things？〃



〃Other　things？〃　　He　appeared　now　to　be　thinking　of　something　far

off　and　that　reached　him　only　through　the　pressure　of　his　anxiety。

Yet　it　did　reach　him。　　〃Did　I　STEAL？〃



I　felt　myself　redden　to　the　roots　of　my　hair　as　well　as　wonder　if