[科幻]宿主-第73章

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that’s　assuming　a　sense　of　ethics　that　clearly　does　not　apply。”


　I　wrapped　my　arms　around　myself。


　“Jeb　does　have　a　point；　though—that’s　what’s　killing　me！　Whatare　you　after？　The　Seekers’　search　
wasn’t　well　directed　or　even…　suspicious。　They　only　seemed　to　be　looking　for　you—not　for　us。　So　
maybe　they　didn’t　know　what　you　were　up　to。　Maybe　you’re　freelancing？　Some　kind　of　undercover　
thing。　Or…”

　It　was　easier　to　ignore　him　when　he　was　speculating　so　foolishly。　I　focused　on　my　knees。　They　were　
dirty；　as　usual；　purple　and　black。

　“Maybe　they’re　right—about　the　killing…you　part；　anyway。”

　Unexpectedly；　his　fingers　brushed　lightly　once　across　the　goose　bumps　his　words　had　raised　on　my　arm。　
His　voice　was　softer　when　he　spoke　again。　“Nobody’s　going　to　hurt　you　now。　As　long　as　you　aren’t　
causing　any　trouble…”　He　shrugged。　“I　can　sort　of　see　their　point；　and　maybe；　in　a　sick　way；　itwould　be　
wrong；　like　they　say。　Maybe　there　is　no　justifiable　reason　to…　Except　that　Jamie…”

　My　head　flipped　up—his　eyes　were　sharp；　scrutinizing　my　reaction。　I　regretted　showing　interest　and　

watched　my　knees　again。

　“It　scares　me　how　attached　he’s　getting；”　Jared　muttered。　“Shouldn’t　have　left　him　behind。　I　never　
imagined…　And　I　don’t　know　what　to　do　about　it　now。　He　thinks　Mel’s　alive　in　there。　What　will　it　do　to　
him　when…　？”

　I　noticed　how　he　saidwhen；　notif。　No　matter　what　promises　he’d　made；　he　didn’t　see　me　lasting　in　the　

long　term。

　“I’m　surprised　you　got　to　Jeb；”　he　reflected；　changing　the　subject。　“He’s　a　canny　old　guy。　He　sees　
through　deceptions　so　easily。　Till　now。”

　He　thought　about　that　for　a　minute。

　“Not　much　for　conversation；　are　you？”

　There　was　another　long　silence。　

　

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would　I　know？　I　hate　the　way　their　logic　makes　sense　to　me。　There’s　got　to　be　another　explanation。”　
Melanie　struggled　again　to　speak；　not　as　viciously　as　before；　this　time　without　hope　of　breaking　through。　
I　kept　my　arms　and　lips　locked。


　Jared　moved；　shifting　away　from　the　wall　so　that　his　body　was　turned　toward　me。　I　watched　the　
movement　from　the　corner　of　my　eye。


　“Why　are　you　here？”　he　whispered。　
I　peeked　up　at　his　face。　It　was　gentle；　kind；　almost　the　way　Melanie　remembered　it。　I　felt　my　control　
slipping；　my　lips　trembled。　Keeping　my　arms　locked　took　all　my　strength。　I　wanted　to　touch　his　face。I　
wanted　it。　Melanie　did　not　like　this。


　If　you　won’t　let　me　talk；　then　at　least　keep　your　hands　to　yourself；she　hissed。

　I’m　trying。　I’m　sorry。I　was　sorry。　This　was　hurting　her。　We　were　both　hurting；　different　hurts。　It　was　
hard　to　know　who　had　it　worse　at　the　moment。　
Jared　watched　me　curiously　while　my　eyes　filled　again。　
“Why？”　he　asked　softly。　“You　know；　Jeb　has　this　crazy　idea　that　you’re　here　for　me　and　Jamie。　Isn’t　

that　nuts？”　
My　mouth　half…opened；　I　quickly　bit　down　on　my　lip。　
Jared　leaned　forward　slowly　and　took　my　face　between　both　his　hands。　My　eyes　closed。　
“Won’t　you　tell　me？”　
My　head　shook　once；　fast。　I　wasn’t　sure　who　did　it。　Was　it　me　saying　won’t　or　Melanie　saying　can’t？　
His　hands　tightened　under　my　jaw。　I　opened　my　eyes；　and　his　face　was　inches　away　from　mine。　My　

heart　fluttered；　my　stomach　dropped—I　tried　to　breathe；　but　my　lungs　did　not　obey。

　I　recognized　the　intention　in　his　eyes；　I　knew　how　he　would　move；　exactly　how　his　lips　would　feel。　And　
yet　it　was　so　new　to　me；　a　first　more　shocking　than　any　other；　as　his　mouth　pressed　against　mine。　
I　think　he　meant　just　to　touch　his　lips　to　mine；　to　be　soft；　but　things　changed　when　our　skin　met。　His　

mouth　was　abruptly　hard　and　rough；　his　hands　trapped　my　face　to　his　while　his　lips　moved　mine　in　urgent；　

unfamiliar　patterns。　It　was　so　different　from　remembering；　so　much　stronger。　My　head　swam　incoherently。　
The　body　revolted。　I　was　no　longer　in　control　of　it—it　was　in　control　of　me。　It　was　not　Melanie—the　
body　was　stronger　than　either　of　us　now。　Our　breathing　echoed　loudly：　mine　wild　and　gasping；　his　fierce；　
almost　a　snarl。

　My　arms　broke　free　from　my　control。　My　left　hand　reached　for　his　face；　his　hair；　to　wind　my　fingers　in　it。　
My　right　hand　was　faster。　Was　not　mine。　

　

　The　force　of　it　was　not　enough　to　move　him　far；　but　he　scrambled　away　from　me　the　instant　our　lips　
were　no　longer　connected；　gaping　with　horrorstruck　eyes　at　my　horrorstruck　expression。

　I　stared　down　at　the　still…clenched　fist；　as　repulsed　as　if　I’d　found　a　scorpion　growing　on　the　end　of　my　
arm。　A　gasp　of　revulsion　choked　its　way　out　of　my　throat。　I　grabbed　the　right　wrist　with　my　left　hand；　
desperate　to　keep　Melanie　from　using　my　body　for　violence　again。

　I　glanced　up　at　Jared。　He　was　staring　at　the　fist　I　restrained；　too；　the　horror　fading；　surprise　taking　its　
place。　In　that　second；　his　expression　was　entirely　defenseless。　I　could　easily　read　his　thoughts　as　they　
moved　across　his　unlocked　face。

　This　was　not　what　he　had　expected。　And　he’d　had　expectations；　that　was　plain　to　see。　This　had　been　a　
test。　A　test　he’d　thought　he　was　prepared　to　evaluate。　A　test　with　results　he’d　anticipated　with　
confidence。　But　he’d　been　surprised。

　Did　that　mean　pass　or　fail？

　The　pain　in　my　chest　was　not　a　surprise。　I　already　knew　that　a　breaking　heart　was　more　than　an　
exaggeration。

　In　a　fight…or…flight　situation；　I　never　had　a　choice；　it　would　always　be　flight　for　me。　Because　Jared　was　
between　me　and　the　darkness　of　the　tunnel　exit；　I　wheeled　and　threw　myself　into　the　box…packed　hole。

　The　boxes　crunched；　crackled；　and　cracked　as　my　weight　shoved　them　into　the　wall；　into　the　floor。　I　
wriggled　my　way　into　the　impossible　space；　twisting　around　the　heavier　squares　and　crushing　the　others。　I　
felt　his　fingers　scrape　across　my　foot　as　he　made　a　grab　for　my　ankle；　and　I　kicked　one　of　the　more　solid　
boxes　between　us。　He　grunted；　and　despair　wrapped　choking　hands　around　my　throat。　I　hadn’t　meant　to　
hurt　him　again；　I　hadn’t　meant　to　strike。　I　was　only　trying　to　escape。

　I　didn’t　hear　my　own　sobbing；　loud　as　it　was；　until　I　could　go　no　farther　into　the　crowded　hole　and　the　
sound　of　my　thrashing　stopped。　When　I　did　hear　myself；　heard　the　ragged；　tearing　gasps　of　agony；　I　was　
mortified。

　So　mortified；　so　humiliated。　I　was　horrified　at　myself；　at　the　violence　I’d　allowed　to　flow　through　my　
body；　whether　consciously　or　not；　but　that　was　not　why　I　was　sobbing。　I　was　sobbing　because　it　had　
been　a　test；　and；　stupid；　stupid；　stupid；　emotional　creature　that　I　was；　I　wanted　it　to　be　real。

　Melanie　was　writhing　in　agony　inside　me；　and　it　was　hard　to　make　sense　of　the　double　pain。　I　felt　as　
though　I　was　dying　because　it　was　not　real；　she　felt　as　though　she　was　dying　because；　to　her；　it　had　felt　
real　enough。　In　all　that　she’d　lost　since　the　end　of　her　world；　so　long　ago；　she’d　never　before　felt　
betrayed。　When　her　father　had　brought　the　Seekers　after　his　children；　she’d　known　it　was　nothim。　There　
was　no　betrayal；　only　grief。　Her　father　was　dead。　But　Jared　was　alive　and　himself。

　No　one’s　betrayed　you；　stupid；I　railed　at　her。　I　wanted　her　pain　to　stop。　It　was　too　much；　the　extra　
burden　of　her　agony。　Mine　was　enough。

　How　could　he？　How？she　ranted；　ignoring　me。　

　

　One　word　snapped　us　back　from　the　edge　of　hysteria。

　From　the　mouth　of　the　hole；　Jared’s　low；　rough　voice—broken　and　strangely　childlike—asked；　“Mel？”

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　Mel？”　he　asked　again；　the　hope　he　didn’t　want　to　feel　coloring　his　tone。

　My　breath　caught　in　another　sob；　an　aftershock。

　“You　know　that　was　for　you；　Mel。　Youknow　that。　Not　for　h—it。　You　know　I　wasn’t　kissing　it。”

　My　next　sob　was　louder；　a　moan。　Why　couldn’t　I　shut　up？　I　tried　holding　my　breath。

　“If　you’re　in　there；　Mel…”　He　paused。

　Melanie　hated　the　“if。”　A　sob　burst　up　through　my　lungs；　and　I　gasped　for　air。

　“I　love　you；”　Jared　said。　“Even　if　you’re　not　there；　if　you　can’t　hear　me。　I　love　you。”

　I　held　my　breath　again；　biting　my　lip　until　it　bled。　The　physical　pain　didn’t　distract　me　as　much　as　I　
wished　it　would。

　It　was　silent　outside　the　hole；　and　then　silent　inside；　too；　as　I　turned　blue。　I　listened　intently；　concentrating　
only　on　what　I　could　hear。　I　wouldn’t　think。　There　was　no　sound。

　I　was　twisted　into　the　most　impossible　position。　My　head　was　the　lowest　point；　the　right　side　of　my　face　
pressed　against　the　rough　rock　floor。　My　shoulders　were　slanted　around　a　crumpled　box　edge；　the　right　
higher　than　the　left。　My　hips　angled　the　opposite　way；　with　my　left　calf　pressed　to　the　ceiling。　Fighting　
with　the　boxes　had　left　bruises—I　could　feel　them　forming。　I　knew　I　would　have　to　find　some　way　to　
explain　to　Ian　and　Jamie　that　I　had　done　this　to　myself；　but　how？　What　should　I　say？　How　could　I　tell　
them　that　Jared　had　kissed　me　as　a　test；　like　giving　a　lab　rat　a　jolt　of　electricity　to　observe　its　reaction？

　And　how　long　was　I　supposed　to　hold　this　position？　I　didn’t　want　to　make　any　noise；　but　it　felt　like　my　
spine　was　going　to　snap　in　a　minute。　The　pain　got　more　difficult　to　bear　every　second。　I　wouldn’t　be　able　
to　bear　it　in　silence　for　long。　Already；　a　whimper　was　rising　in　my　throat。

　Melanie　had　nothing　to　say　to　me。　She　was　quietly　working　through　her　own　relief　and　fury。　Jared　had　
spoken　to　her；　finally　recognized　her　existence。　He　had　told　her　he　loved　her。　But　he　had　kissed　me。　She　
was　trying　to　convince　herself　that　there　was　no　reason　to　be　wounded　by　this；　trying　to　believe　all　the　
solid　reasons　why　this　wasn’t　what　it　felt　like。　Trying；　but　not　yet　succeeding。　I　could　hear　all　this；　but　it　
was　directed　internally。　She　wasn’t　speaking　to　me—in　the　juvenile；　petty　sense　of　the　phrase。　I　was　
getting　the　cold　shoulder。

　I　felt　an　unfamiliar　anger　toward　her。　Not　like　the　beginning；　when　I　feared　her　and　wished　for　her　
eradication　from　my　mind。　No；　I　felt　my　own　sense　of　betrayal　now。　How　could　she　be　angry　withme　for　
what　had　happened？　How　did　that　make　sense？　How　was　it　my　fault　that　I’d　fallen　in　love　because　of　the　

　

　Tears；　much　weaker　than　the　others；　flowed　down　my　cheeks　in　silence。　Her　hostility　toward　me　
simmered　in　my　mind。

　Abruptly；　the　pain　in　my　bruised；　twisted　back　was　too　much。　The　straw　on　the　camel。

　“Ung；”　I　grunted；　pushing　against　stone　and　cardboard　as　I　shoved　myself　backward。

　I　didn’t　care　about　the　noise　anymore；　I　just　wanted　out。　I　swore　to　myself　that　I　would　never　cross　the　
threshold　of　this　wretched　pit　again—death　first。　Literally。

　It　was　harder　to　worm　out　than　it　had　been　to　dive　in。　I　wiggled　and　squirmed　around　until　I　felt　like　I　
was　making　things　worse；　bending　myself　into　the　shape　of　a　lopsided　pretzel。　I　started　to　cry　again；　like　
a　child；　afraid　that　I　would　never　get　free。

　Melanie　sighed。Hook　your　foot　around　the　edge　of　the　mouth　and　pull　yourself　out；　she　suggested。

　I　ignored　her；　struggling　to　work　my　torso　around　a　particularly　pointy　corner。　It　jabbed　me　just　under　
the　ribs。

　Don’t　be　petty；she　grumbled。

　That’s　rich；　ing　from　you。

　I　know。She　hesitated；　then　caved