白噪音(White Noise) (英文版)作者:唐·德里罗(Don DeLillo)-第37章

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ray　told　me　once　he　had　a　crush　on　her；　found　her　physical　awkwardness　a　sign　of　an　intelligence　developing　almost　too　rapidly；　and　I　thought　I　knew　what　he　meant。　She　was　poking　and　snatching　at　the　world　around；　overrunning　it　at　times。
　　〃I　don't　know　what　your　personal　involvement　is　with　this　substance；〃　she　said；　〃but　I　think　it's　a　mistake　to　lose　one's　sense　of　death；　even　one's　fear　of　death。　Isn't　death　the　boundary　we　need？　Doesn't　it　give　a　precious　texture　to　life；　a　sense　of　definition？　You　have　to　ask　yourself　whether　anything　you　do　in　this　life　would　have　beauty　and　meaning　without　the　knowledge　you　carry　of　a　final　line；　a　border　or　limit。〃
　　I　watch　light　climb　into　the　rounded　summits　of　high…altitude　clouds。　Clorets；　Velamints；　Freedent。
　　〃People　think　I'm　spacey；〃　she　said。　〃I　have　a　spacey　theory　about　human　fear；　sure　enough。　Picture　yourself；　Jack；　a　confirmed　homebody；　a　sedentary　fellow　who　finds　himself　walking　in　a　deep　wood。　You　spot　something　out　of　the　corner　of　your　eye。　Before　you　know　anything　else；　you　know　that　this　thing　is　very　large　and　that　it　has　no　place　in　your　ordinary　frame　of　reference。　A　flaw　in　the　world　picture。　Either　it　shouldn't　be　here　or　you　shouldn't。　Now　the　thing　es　into　full　view。　It　is　a　grizzly　bear；　enormous；　shiny　brown；　swaggering；　dripping　slime　from　its　bared　fangs。　Jack；　you　have　never　seen　a　large　animal　in　the　wild。　The　sight　of　this　grizzer　is　so　electrifyingly　strange　that　it　gives　you　a　renewed　sense　of　yourself；　a　fresh　awareness　of　the　self—the　self　in　terms　of　a　unique　and　horrific　situation。　You　see　yourself　in　a　new　and　intense　way。　You　rediscover　yourself。　You　are　lit　up　for　your　own　imminent　dismemberment。　The　beast　on　hind　legs　has　enabled　you　to　see　who　you　are　as　if　for　the　first　time；　outside　familiar　surroundings；　alone；　distinct；　whole。　The　name　we　give　to　this　plicated　process　is　fear。〃
　　〃Fear　is　self…awareness　raised　to　a　higher　level。〃
　　〃That's　right；　Jack。〃
　　〃And　death？〃　I　said。
　　〃Self；　self；　self。　If　death　can　be　seen　as　less　strange　and　unreferenced；　your　sense　of　self　in　relation　to　death　will　diminish；　and　so　will　your　fear。〃
　　〃What　do　I　do　to　make　death　less　strange？　How　do　I　go　about　it？〃
　　〃I　don't　know。〃
　　〃Do　I　risk　death　by　driving　fast　around　curves？　Am　I　supposed　to　go　rock　climbing　on　weekends？〃
　　〃I　don't　know；〃　she　said。　〃I　wish　I　knew。〃
　　〃Do　I　scale　the　sheer　facade　of　a　ninety…story　building；　wearing　a　clip…on　belt？　What　do　I　do；　Winnie？　Do　I　sit　in　a　cage　full　of　African　snakes　like　my　son's　best　friend？　This　is　what　people　do　today。〃
　　〃I　think　what　you　do；　Jack；　is　forget　the　medicine　in　that　tablet。　There　is　no　medicine；　obviously。〃
　　She　was　right。　They　were　all　right。　Gp　on　with　my　life；　raise　my　kids；　teach　my　students。　Try　not　to　think　of　that　staticky　figure　in　the　Grayview　Motel　putting　his　unfinished　hands　on　my　wife。
　　〃I'm　still　sad；　Winnie；　but　you've　given　my　sadness　a　richness　and　depth　it　has　never　known　before。〃
　　She　turned　away；　blushing。
　　I　said；　〃You're　more　than　a　fair…weather　friend—you're　a　true　enemy。〃
　　She　turned　exceedingly　red。
　　I　said；　〃Brilliant　people　never　think　of　the　lives　they　smash；　being　brilliant。〃
　　I　watched　her　blush。　She　used　both　hands　to　pull　her　knit　cap　down　over　her　ears。　We　took　a　last　look　at　the　sky　and　started　walking　down　the　hill。
　　31
　　DID　YOU　REMEMBER：　1）　to　make　out　your　check　to　Waveform　Dynamics？　2）　to　write　your　account　number　on　your　check？　3）　to　sign　your　check？　4）　to　send　payment　in　full；　as　we　do　not　accept　partial　payment？　5）　to　enclose　your　original　payment　document；　not　a　reproduced　copy？　6）　to　enclose　your　document　in　such　a　way　that　the　address　appears　in　the　window？　7）　to　detach　the　green　portion　of　your　document　along　the　dotted　line　to　retain　for　your　records？　8）　to　supply　your　correct　address　and　zip　code？　9）　to　inform　us　at　least　three　weeks　before　you　plan　to　move？　10）　to　secure　the　envelope　flap？　11）　to　place　a　stamp　on　the　envelope；　as　the　post　office　will　not　deliver　without　postage？　12）　to　mail　the　envelope　at　least　three　days　before　the　date　entered　in　the　blue　box？
　　CABLE　HEALTH；　CABLE　WEATHER；　CABLE　NEWS；　CABLE　NATURE。
　　No　one　wanted　to　cook　that　night。　We　all　got　in　the　car　and　went　out　to　the　mercial　strip　in　the　no　man's　land　beyond　the　town　boundary。　The　never…ending　neon。　I　pulled　in　at　a　place　that　specialized　in　chicken　parts　and　brownies。　We　decided　to　eat　in　the　car。　The　car　was　sufficient　for　our　needs。　We　wanted　to　eat；　not　look　around　at　other　people。　We　wanted　to　fill　our　stomachs　and　get　it　over　with。　We　didn't　need　light　and　space。　We　certainly　didn't　need　to　face　each　other　across　a　table　as　we　ate；　building　a　subtle　and　plex　cross…network　of　signals　and　codes。　We　were　content　to　eat　facing　in　the　same　direction；　looking　only　inches　past　our　hands。　There　was　a　kind　of　rigor　in　this。　Denise　brought　the　food　out　to　the　car　and　distributed　paper　napkins。　We　settled　in　to　eat。　We　ate　fully　dressed；　in　hats　and　heavy　coats；　without　speaking；　ripping　into　chicken　parts　with　our　hands　and　teeth。　There　was　a　mood　of　intense　concentration；　minds　converging　on　a　single　pelling　idea。　I　was　surprised　to　find　I　was　enormously　hungry。　I　chewed　and　ate；　looking　only　inches　past　my　hands。　This　is　how　hunger　shrinks　the　world。　This　is　the　edge　of　the　observable　universe　of　food。　Steffie　tore　off　the　crisp　skin　of　a　breast　and　gave　it　to　Heinrich。　She　never　ate　the　skin。　Babette　sucked　a　bone。　Heinrich　traded　wings　with　Denise；　a　large　for　a　small。　He　thought　small　wings　were　tastier。　People　gave　Babette　their　bones　to　clean　and　suck。　I　fought　off　an　image　of　Mr。　Cray　lazing　naked　on　a　motel　bed；　an　unresolved　picture　collapsing　at　the　edges。　We　sent　Denise　to　get　more　food；　waiting　for　her　in　silence。　Then　we　started　in　again；　half　stunned　by　the　dimensions　of　our　pleasure。
　　Steffie　said　quietly；　〃How　do　astronauts　float？〃
　　There　was　a　pause　like　a　missing　tick　in　eternity。
　　Denise　stopped　eating　to　say；　'They're　lighter　than　air。〃
　　We　all　stopped　eating。　A　worried　silence　ensued。
　　〃There　is　no　air；〃　Heinrich　said　finally。　〃They　can't　be　lighter　than　something　that　isn't　there。　Space　is　a　vacuum　except　for　heavy　molecules。〃
　　〃I　thought　space　was　cold；〃　Babette　said。　〃If　there's　no　air；　how　can　it　be　cold？　What　makes　warm　or　cold？　Air；　or　so　I　thought。　If　there's　no　air；　there　should　be　no　cold。　Like　a　nothing　kind　of　day。〃
　　〃How　can　there　be　nothing？〃　Denise　said。　〃There　has　to　be　something。〃
　　'There　is　something；〃　Heinrich　said　in　exasperation。　'There's　heavy　molecules。〃
　　〃Do…I…need…a…sweater　kind　of　day；〃　Babette　said。
　　There　was　another　pause。　We　waited　to　learn　if　the　dialogue　was　over。　Then　we　set　to　eating　again。　We　traded　unwanted　parts　in　silence；　stuck　our　hands　in　cartons　of　rippled　fries。　Wilder　liked　the　soft　white　fries　and　people　picked　these　out　and　gave　them　to　him。　Denise　distributed　ketchup　in　little　watery　pouches。
　　The　interior　of　the　car　smelled　of　grease　and　licked　flesh。　We　traded　parts　and　gnawed。
　　Steffie　said　in　a　small　voice；　〃How　cold　is　space？〃
　　We　all　waited　once　more。　Then　Heinrich　said；　〃It　depends　on　how　high　you　go。　The　higher　you　go；　the　colder　it　gets。〃
　　〃Wait　a　minute；〃　Babette　said。　〃The　higher　you　go；　the　closer　you　get　to　the　sun。　So　the　warmer　it　gets。〃
　　〃What　makes　you　think　the　sun　is　high？〃
　　〃How　can　the　sun　be　low？　You　have　to　look　up　to　see　the　sun。〃
　　〃What　about　at　night？〃　he　said。
　　〃It's　on　the　other　side　of　the　earth。　But　people　still　look　up。〃
　　〃The　whole　point　of　Sir　Albert　Einstein；〃　he　said；　〃is　how　can　the　sun　be　up　if　you're　standing　on　the　sun？〃
　　〃The　sun　is　a　great　molten　ball；〃　she　said。　〃It's　impossible　to　stand　on　the　sun。〃
　　〃He　was　just　saying　'if。'　Basically　there　is　no　up　or　down；　hot　or　cold；　day　or　night。〃
　　〃What　is　there？〃
　　〃Heavy　molecules。　The　whole　point　of　space　is　to　give　molecules　a　chance　to　cool　down　after　they　e　shooting　off　the　surface　of　giant　stars。〃
　　〃If　there's　no　hot　or　cold；　how　can　molecules　cool　down？〃
　　〃Hot　and　cold　are　words。　Think　of　them　as　words。　We　have　to　use　words。　We　can't　just　grunt。〃
　　〃It's　called　the　sun's　corolla；〃　Denise　said　to　Steffie　in　a　separate　discussion。　〃We　saw　it　the　other　night　on　the　weather　network。〃
　　〃I　thought　Corolla　was　a　car；〃　Steffie　said。
　　〃Everything's　a　car；〃　Heinrich　said。　〃The　thing　you　have　to　understand　about　giant　stars　is　that　they　have　actual　nuclear　explosions　deep　inside　the　core。　Totally　forget　these　Russian　IBMs　that　are　supposed　to　be　so　awesome。　We're　talking　about　a　hundred　million　times　bigger　explosions。〃
　　There　was　a　long　pause。　No　one　spoke。　We　went　back　to　eating　for　as　long　as　it　took　to　bite　off　and　chew　a　single　mouthful　of　food。
　　〃It's　supposed　to　be　Russian　psychics　who　are　causing　this　crazy　weather；〃　Babette　said。
　　〃What　crazy　weather？〃　I　said。
　　Heinrich　said；　〃We　have　psychics；　they　have　psychics；　supposedly。　They　want　to　disrupt　our　crops　by　influencing　the　weather。〃
　　〃The　weather's　been　normal。〃
　　〃For　Jthis　time　of　year；〃　Denise　put　in　smartly。
　　This　was　the　week　a　policeman　saw　a　body　thrown　from　a　UFO。　It　happened　while　he　was　on　routine　patrol　on　the　outskirts　of　Classboro。　The　rain…soaked　corpse　of　an　unidentified　male　was　found　later　that　night；　fully　clothed。　An　autopsy　disclosed　that　death　was　due　to　multiple　fractures　and　heart　failure—the　result；　perhaps；　of　a　ghastly　shock。　Under　hypnosis；　the　policeman；　Jerry　Tee　Walker；　relived　in　detail　the　baffling　sight　of　the　neon…bright　object　that　resembled　an　enormous　spinning　top　as　it　hovered　eighty　feet　above　a　field。　Officer　Walker；　a　Vietnam　vet；　said　the　bizarre　scene　reminded　him　of　helicopter　crews　throwing　Vietcong　suspects　out　the　door。　Incredibly；　as　he　watched　a　hatch　e　open　and　the　body　plummet　to　the　ground；　Walker　sensed　an　eerie　message　being　psychically　transmitted　to　his　brain。　Police　hypnotists　plan　to　intensify　their　sessions　in　an　attempt　to　uncover　the　message。
　　There　were　sightings　all　over　the　area。　An　energizing　mental　current；　a　snaky　glow；　seemed　to　pass　from　town　to　town。　It　didn't　matter　whether　you　believed　in　these　things　or　not。　They　were　an　excitement；　a　wave；　a　tremor。　Some　voice　or　noise　would　crack　across　the　sky　and　we　would　be　lifted　out　of　death。　People　drove　speculatively　to　the　edges　of　towns；　where　some　would　turn　back；　some　decide　to　venture　toward　remoter　areas　which　seemed　in　these　past　days　to　exist　under　a　spell；　a　hallowed　expectation。　The　air　grew　soft　and　mild。　A　neighbor's　dog　barked　through　the　night。
　　In　the　fast　food　parking　lot　we　ate　our　brownies。　Crumbs　stuck　to　the　heels　of　our　hands。　We　inhaled　the　crumbs；　we　licked　the　fingers。　As　we　got　close　to　finishing；　the　physical　extent　of　our　awareness　began　to　expand。　Food's　borders　yielded　to　the　wider　world。　We　looked　past　our　hands。　We　looked　through　the　windows；　at　the　cars　and　lights。　We　looked　at　the　people　leaving　the　restaurant；　men；　women　and　children　carrying　cartons　of　food；　leaning　into　the　wind。　An　impatience　began　to　flow　from　the　three　bodies　in　the　rear　seat。　They　wanted　to　be　home；　not　here。　They　wanted