sense and sensibility(理智与情感)-第40章
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Miss Dashwood； may be imagined。 Though aware； before she
began it； that it must bring a confession of his inconstancy； and
confirm their separation for ever； she was not aware that such
language could be suffered to announce it； nor could she have
supposed Willoughby capable of departing so far from the
appearance of every honourable and delicate feeling—so far from
the common decorum of a gentleman； as to send a letter so
impudently cruel： a letter which； instead of bringing with his
desire of a release any professions of regret； acknowledged no
breach of faith； denied all peculiar affection whatever—a letter of
which every line was an insult； and which proclaimed its writer to
be deep in hardened villainy。
She paused over it for some time with indignant astonishment；
then read it again and again； but every perusal only served to
increase her abhorrence of the man； and so bitter were her
feelings against him； that she dared not trust herself to speak； lest
she might wound Marianne still deeper by treating their
disengagement； not as a loss to her of any possible good but as an
escape from the worst and most irremediable of all evils； a
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connection； for life； with an unprincipled man； as a deliverance the
most real； a blessing the most important。
In her earnest meditations on the contents of the letter； on the
depravity of that mind which could dictate it； and probably； on the
very different mind of a very different person； who had no other
connection whatever with the affair than what her heart gave him
with every thing that passed； Elinor forgot the immediate distress
of her sister； forgot that she had three letters on her lap yet
unread； and so entirely forgot how long she had been in the room；
that when on hearing a carriage drive up to the door； she went to
the window to see who could be coming so unreasonably early； she
was all astonishment to perceive Mrs。 Jennings’s chariot； which
she knew had not been ordered till one。 Determined not to quit
Marianne； though hopeless of contributing； at present； to her ease；
she hurried away to excuse herself from attending Mrs。 Jennings；
on account of her sister being indisposed。 Mrs。 Jennings； with a
thoroughly good…humoured concern for its cause； admitted the
excuse most readily； and Elinor； after seeing her safe off； returned
to Marianne； whom she found attempting to rise from the bed； and
whom she reached just in time to prevent her from falling on the
floor； faint and giddy from a long want of proper rest and food； for
it was many days since she had any appetite； and many nights
since she had really slept； and now； when her mind was no longer
supported by the fever of suspense； the consequence of all this was
felt in an aching head； a weakened stomach； and a general nervous
faintness。 A glass of wine； which Elinor procured for her directly；
made her more comfortable； and she was at last able to express
some sense of her kindness； by saying；
“Poor Elinor！ how unhappy I make you！”
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“I only wish；” replied her sister； “there were any thing I could
do； which might be of comfort to you。”
This； as every thing else would have been； was too much for
Marianne； who could only exclaim； in the anguish of her heart；
“Oh！ Elinor； I am miserable； indeed；” before her voice was entirely
lost in sobs。
Elinor could no longer witness this torrent of unresisted grief in
silence。
“Exert yourself； dear Marianne；” she cried； “if you would not
kill yourself and all who love you。 Think of your mother； think of
her misery while you suffer； for her sake you must exert yourself。”
“I cannot； I cannot；” cried Marianne； “leave me； leave me； if I
distress you； leave me； hate me； forget me！ but do not torture me
so。 Oh！ how easy for those who have no sorrow of their own to talk
of exertion！ Happy； happy Elinor； you cannot have an idea of what
I suffer。”
“Do you call me happy； Marianne？ Ah！ if you knew！—And can
you believe me to be so； while I see you so wretched！”
“Forgive me； forgive me；” throwing her arms round her sister’s
neck； “I know you feel for me； I know what a heart you have； but
yet you are—you must be happy； Edward loves you—what； oh
what； can do away such happiness as that？”
“Many； many circumstances；” said Elinor； solemnly。
“No； no； no；” cried Marianne wildly； “he loves you； and only
you。 You can have no grief。”
“I can have no pleasure while I see you in this state。”
“And you will never see me otherwise。 Mine is a misery which
nothing can do away。”
“You must not talk so； Marianne。 Have you no comforts？ no
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friends？ Is your loss such as leaves no opening for consolation？
Much as you suffer now； think of what you would have suffered if
the discovery of his character had been delayed to a later period—
if your engagement had been carried on for months and months；
as it might have been； before he chose to put an end to it。 Every
additional day of unhappy confidence； on your side； would have
made the blow more dreadful。”
“Engagement！” cried Marianne； “there has been no
engagement。”
“No engagement！”
“No； he is not so unworthy as you believe him。 He has broken
no faith with me。”
“But he told you that he loved you。”
“Yes—no—never absolutely。 It was every day implied； but
never professedly declared。 Sometimes I thought it had been—but
it never was。”
“Yet you wrote to him？”—
“Yes—could that be wrong after all that had passed？—But I
cannot talk。”
Elinor said no more； and turning again to the three letters
which now raised a much stronger curiosity than before； directly
ran over the contents of all。 The first； which was what her sister
had sent him on their arrival in town； was to this effect。
Berkeley…street； January。
How surprised you will be； Willoughby； on receiving this； and I
think you will feel something more than surprise； when you know
that I am in town。 An opportunity of coming hither； though with
Mrs。 Jennings； was a temptation we could not resist。 I wish you
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may receive this in time to come here to…night； but I will not
depend on it。 At any rate I shall expect you to…morrow。 For the
present； adieu。
M。D。
Her second note； which had been written on the morning after
the dance at the Middletons’； was in these words：—
I cannot express my disappointment in having missed you the
day before yesterday； nor my astonishment at not having received
any answer to a note which I sent you above a week ago。 I have
been expecting to hear from you； and still more to see you； every
hour of the day。 Pray call again as soon as possible； and explain
the reason of my having expected this in vain。 You had better
come earlier another time； because we are generally out by one。
We were last night at Lady Middleton’s； where there was a dance。
I have been told that you were asked to be of the party。 But could
it be so？ You must be very much altered indeed since we parted； if
that could be the case； and you not there。 But I will not suppose
this possible； and I hope very soon to receive your personal
assurance of its being otherwise。
M。D。
The contents of her last note to him were these：—
What am I to imagine； Willoughby； by your behaviour last
night？ Again I demand an explanation of it。 I was prepared to
meet you with the pleasure which our separation naturally
produced； with the familiarity which our intimacy at Barton
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appeared to me to justify。 I was repulsed indeed！ I have passed a
wretched night in endeavouring to excuse a conduct which can
scarcely be called less than insulting； but though I have not yet
been able to form any reasonable apology for your behaviour； I am
perfectly ready to hear your justification of it。 You have perhaps
been misinformed； or purposely deceived； in something
concerning me； which may have lowered me in your opinion。 Tell
me what it is； explain the grounds on which you acted； and I shall
be satisfied； in being able to satisfy you。 It would grieve me indeed
to be obliged to think ill of you； but if I am to do it； if I am to learn
that you are not what we have hitherto believed you； that your
regard for us all was insincere； that your behaviour to me was
intended only to deceive； let it be told as soon as possible。 My
feelings are at present in a state of dreadful indecision； I wish to
acquit you；
