面纱 英文原本-第8章
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would plete the desirable modification of my character； and make me
practical and worldly enough to take my place in society among sane men。
For he delighted in Bertha's tact and acuteness； and felt sure she would be
mistress of me； and make me what she chose： I was only twenty… one；
and madly in love with her。 Poor father！ He kept that hope a little
while after our first year of marriage； and it was not quite extinct when
paralysis came and saved him from utter disappointment。
I shall hurry through the rest of my story； not dwelling so much as I
have hitherto done on my inward experience。 When people are well
known to each other； they talk rather of what befalls them externally；
leaving their feelings and sentiments to be inferred。
We lived in a round of visits for some time after our return home；
giving splendid dinner…parties； and making a sensation in our
neighbourhood by the new lustre of our equipage； for my father had
reserved this display of his increased wealth for the period of his son's
marriage； and we gave our acquaintances liberal opportunity for
remarking that it was a pity I made so poor a figure as an heir and a
bridegroom。 The nervous fatigue of this existence； the insincerities and
platitudes which I had to live through twice overthrough my inner and
outward sensewould have been maddening to me； if I had not had that
sort of intoxicated callousness which came from the delights of a first
passion。 A bride and bridegroom； surrounded by all the appliances of
wealth； hurried through the day by the whirl of society； filling their
solitary moments with hastily…snatched caresses； are prepared for their
future life together as the novice is prepared for the cloisterby
experiencing its utmost contrast。
Through all these crowded excited months； Bertha's inward self
remained shrouded from me； and I still read her thoughts only through the
language of her lips and demeanour： I had still the human interest of
wondering whether what I did and said pleased her； of longing to hear a
word of affection； of giving a delicious exaggeration of meaning to her
smile。 But I was conscious of a growing difference in her manner
towards me； sometimes strong enough to be called haughty coldness；
cutting and chilling me as the hail had done that came across the sunshine
on our marriage morning； sometimes only perceptible in the dexterous
avoidance of a tete…a…tete walk or dinner to which I had been looking
forward。 I had been deeply pained by thishad even felt a sort of
crushing of the heart； from the sense that my brief day of happiness was
near its setting； but still I remained dependent on Bertha； eager for the last
rays of a bliss that would soon be gone for ever； hoping and watching for
some after…glow more beautiful from the impending night。
I rememberhow should I not remember？the time when that
dependence and hope utterly left me； when the sadness I had felt in
Bertha's growing estrangement became a joy that I looked back upon with
longing as a man might look back on the last pains in a paralysed limb。
It was just after the close of my father's last illness； which had necessarily
withdrawn us from society and thrown us more on each other。 It was the
evening of father's death。 On that evening the veil which had shrouded
Bertha's soul from mehad made me find in her alone among my fellow…
beings the blessed possibility of mystery； and doubt； and expectationwas
first withdrawn。 Perhaps it was the first day since the beginning of my
passion for her； in which that passion was pletely neutralized by the
presence of an absorbing feeling of another kind。 I had been watching by
my father's deathbed： I had been witnessing the last fitful yearning
glance his soul had cast back on the spent inheritance of lifethe last faint
consciousness of love he had gathered from the pressure of my hand。
What are all our personal loves when we have been sharing in that
supreme agony？ In the first moments when we e away from the
presence of death； every other relation to the living is merged； to our
feeling； in the great relation of a mon nature and a mon destiny。
In that state of mind I joined Bertha in her private sitting…room。 She
was seated in a leaning posture on a settee； with her back towards the door；
the great rich coils of her pale blond hair surmounting her small neck；
visible above the back of the settee。 I remember； as I closed the door
behind me； a cold tremulousness seizing me； and a vague sense of being
hated and lonelyvague and strong； like a presentiment。 I know how I
looked at that moment； for I saw myself in Bertha's thought as she lifted
her cutting grey eyes； and looked at me： a miserable ghost…seer；
surrounded by phantoms in the noonday； trembling under a breeze when
the leaves were still； without appetite for the mon objects of human
desires； but pining after the moon…beams。 We were front to front with
each other； and judged each other。 The terrible moment of plete
illumination had e to me； and I saw that the darkness had hidden no
landscape from me； but only a blank prosaic wall： from that evening forth；
through the sickening years which followed； I saw all round the narrow
room of this woman's soulsaw petty artifice and mere negation where I
had delighted to believe in coy sensibilities and in wit at war with latent
feelingsaw the light floating vanities of the girl defining themselves into
the systematic coquetry； the scheming selfishness； of the womansaw
repulsion and antipathy harden into cruel hatred； giving pain only for the
sake of wreaking itself。
For Bertha too； after her kind； felt the bitterness of disillusion。 She had
believed that my wild poet's passion for her would make me her slave； and
that； being her slave； I should execute her will in all things。 With the
essential shallowness of a negative； unimaginative nature； she was unable
to conceive the fact that sensibilities were anything else than weaknesses。
She had thought my weaknesses would put me in her power； and she
found them unmanageable forces。 Our positions were reversed。 Before
marriage she had pletely mastered my imagination； for she was a
secret to me； and I created the unknown thought before which I trembled
as if it were hers。 But now that her soul was laid open to me； now that I
was pelled to share the privacy of her motives； to follow all the petty
devices that preceded her words and acts； she found herself powerless with
me； except to produce in me the chill shudder of repulsionpowerless；
because I could be acted on by no lever within her reach。 I was dead to
worldly ambitions； to social vanities； to all the incentives within the
pass of her narrow imagination； and I lived under influences utterly
invisible to her。
She was really pitiable to have such a husband； and so all the world
thought。 A graceful； brilliant woman； like Bertha； who smiled on
morning callers； made a figure in ball…rooms； and was capable of that light
repartee which； from such a woman； is accepted as wit； was secure of
carrying off all sympathy from a husband who was sickly； abstracted； and；
as some suspected； crack… brained。 Even the servants in our house gave
her the balance of their regard and pity。 For there were no audible
quarrels between us； our alienation； our repulsion from each other； lay
within the silence of our own hearts； and if the mistress went out a great
deal； and seemed to dislike the master's society； was it not natural； poor
thing？ The master was odd。 I was kind and just to my dependants； but I
excited in them a shrinking； half…contemptuous pity； for this class of men
and women are but slightly determined in their estimate of others by
general considerations； or even experience； of character。 They judge of
persons as they judge of coins； and value those who pass current at a high
rate。
After a time I interfered so little with Bertha's habits that it might seem
wonderful how her hatred towards me could grow so intense and active as
it did。 But she had begun to suspect； by some involuntary betrayal of
mine； that there was an abnormal power of penetration in methat fitfully；
at least； I was strangely cognizant of her thoughts and intentions； and she
began to be haunted by a terror of me； which alternated every now and
then with defiance。 She meditated continually how the incubus could be
shaken off her lifehow she could be freed from this hateful bond to a
being whom she at once despised as an imbecile； and dreaded as an
inquisitor。 For a long while she lived in the hope that my evident
wretchedness would drive me to the mission of suicide； but suicide
was not in my nature。 I was too pletely swayed by the sense that I
was in the grasp of unknown forces； to believe in my power of self…release。
Towards my own destiny I had bee entirely passive； for my one ardent
desire had spent itself； and impulse no longer predominated over
knowledge。 For this reason I never thought of taking any steps towards a
plete separation； which would have made our alienation evident to the
world。 Why should I rush for help to a new course； when I was only
suffering from the consequences of a deed which had been the act of my
intensest will？ That would have been the logic of one who had desires to
gratify； and I had no desires。 But Bertha and I lived more and more aloof
from each other。 The rich find it easy to live married and apart。
That course of our life which I have indicated i
