a fair penitent(由衷的忏悔)-第3章
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sacrifice prescribed by the rules of their convent； wondered very much that
I still hesitated about taking the veil。 I begged them not to mention the
subject to me till my mind was quite made up about it。 They respected
my wish； and said no more； but they lent me books to read which assisted
in strengthening my wavering resolution。 Among these books was the
Life of Madame de Montmorenci； who； after the shocking death of her
husband； entered the Order of St。 Mary。 The great example of this lady
made me reflect seriously； and I communicated my thoughts； as a matter
of course； to Father Deveaux。 He assured me that the one last greatest
sacrifice which remained for me to make was the sacrifice of my liberty。
I had long known that this was my duty； and I now felt； for the first time；
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that I had courage and resolution enough boldly to face the idea of taking
the veil。
While I was in this happy frame of mind； I happened to meet with the
history of the famous Rance； founder； or rather reformer； of the Order of
La Trappe。 I found a strange similarity between my own worldly errors
and those of this illustrious penitent。 The discovery had such an effect on
me； that I spurned all idea of entering a convent where the rules were
comparatively easy； as was the case at Anticaille； and determined； when I
did take the veil； to enter an Order whose discipline was as severe as the
discipline of La Trappe itself。 Father Deveaux informed me that I should
find exactly what I wanted among the Carmelite nuns； and； by his advice；
I immediately put myself in communication with the Archbishop of
Villeroi。 I opened my heart to this worthy prelate； convinced him of my
sincerity； and gained from him a promise that he would get me admitted
among the Carmelite nuns of Lyons。 One thing I begged of him at
parting； which was； that he would tell the whole truth about my former life
and about the profession that I had exercised in the world。 I was resolved
to deceive nobody； and to enter no convent under false pretences of any
sort。
My wishes were scrupulously fulfilled； and the nuns were dreadfully
frightened when they heard that I had been an actress at Paris。 But the
Archbishop promising to answer for me； and to take all their scruples on
his own conscience； they consented to receive me。 I could not trust
myself to take formal leave of the nuns of Anticaille； who had been so
kind to me； and towards whom I felt so gratefully。 So I wrote my
farewell to them after privately leaving their house； telling them frankly
the motives which animated me； and asking their pardon for separating
myself from them in secret。
On the fourteenth of October； seventeen hundred and twenty…four； I
entered the Carmelite convent at Lyons； eighteen months after my flight
from the world； and my abandonment of my professionto adopt which； I
may say； in my own defence； that I was first led through sheer poverty。
At the age of seventeen years； and possessing （if I may credit report）
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remarkable personal charms； I was left perfectly destitute through the
spendthrift habits of my father。 I was easily persuaded to go on the stage；
and soon tempted； with my youth and inexperience； to lead an irregular
life。 I do not wish to assert that dissipation necessarily follows the choice
of the actress's profession； for I have known many estimable women on
the stage。 I； unhappily； was not one of the number。 I confess it to my
shame； and； as the chief of sinners； I am only the more grateful to the
mercy of Heaven which accomplished my conversion。
When I entered the convent； I entreated the prioress to let me live in
perfect obscurity； without corresponding with my friends； or even with my
relations。 She declined to grant this last request； thinking that my zeal
was leading me too far。 On the other hand； she complied with my wish
to be employed at once； without the slightest preparatory indulgence or
consideration； on any menial labour which the discipline of the convent
might require from me。 On the first day of my admission a broom was
put into my hands。 I was appointed also to wash up the dishes； to scour
the saucepans； to draw water from a deep well； to carry each sister's
pitcher to its proper place； and to scrub the tables in the refectory。 From
these occupations I got on in time to making rope shoes for the sisterhood；
and to taking care of the great clock of the convent； this last employment
requiring me to pull up three immensely heavy weights regularly every
day。 Seven years of my life passed in this hard work； and I can honestly
say that I never murmured over it。
To return； however； to the period of my admission into the convent。
After three months of probation； I took the veil on the twentieth of
January； seventeen hundred and twenty…five。 The Archbishop did me the
honour to preside at the ceremony； and； in spite of the rigour of the season；
all Lyons poured into the church to see me take the vows。 I was deeply
affected； but I never faltered in my resolution。 I pronounced the oaths
with a firm voice； and with a tranquillity which astonished all the
spectators；a tranquillity which has never once failed me since that time。
Such is the story of my conversion。 Providence sent me into the
world with an excellent nature； with a true heart； with a remarkable
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susceptibility to the influence of estimable sentiments。 My parents
neglected my education； and left me in the world； destitute of everything
but youth； beauty； and a lively temperament。 I tried hard to be virtuous； I
vowed； before I was out of my teens； and when I happened to be struck
down by a serious illness； to leave the stage； and to keep my reputation
unblemished； if anybody would only give me two hundred livres a year to
live upon。 Nobody came forward to help me； and I fell。 Heaven
pardon the rich people of Paris who might have preserved my virtue at so
small a cost！ Heaven grant me courage to follow the better path into
which its mercy has led me； and to persevere in a life of penitence and
devotion to the end of my days！
So this singular confession ends。 Besides the little vanities and
levities which appear here and there on its surface； there is surely a strong
under…current of sincerity and frankness which fit it to appeal in some
degree to the sympathy as well as the curiosity of the reader。 It is
impossible to read the narrative without feeling that there must have been
something really genuine and hearty in Mademoiselle Gautier's nature；
and it is a gratifying proof of the honest integrity of her purpose to know
that she persevered to the last in the life of humility and seclusion which
her conscience had convinced her was the best life that she could lead。
Persons who knew her in the Carmelite convent； report that she lived and
died in it； preserving to the last； all the better part of the youthful liveliness
of her character。 She always received visitors with pleasure； always
talked to them with surprising cheerfulness； always assisted the poor； and
always willingly wrote letters to her former patrons in Paris to help the
interests of her needy friends。 Towards the end of her life； she was
afflicted with blindness； but she was a trouble to no one in consequence of
this affliction； for she continued； in spite of it； to clean her own cell； to
make her own bed； and to cook her own food just as usual。 One little
characteristic vanityharmless enough； surely？remained with her to the
last。 She never forgot her own handsome face； which all。 Paris had
admired in the by…gone time； and she contrived to get a dispensation from
the Pope which allowed her to receive visitors in the convent parlour
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without a veil。
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