the secret sharer-第4章

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cistern　with　no　place　for　scrambling　out　anywhere；　but　what　I　didn't

like　was　the　notion　of　swimming　round　and　round　like　a　crazed

bullock　before　I　gave　out；　and　as　I　didn't　mean　to　go　back。

。　。　No。　Do　you　see　me　being　hauled　back；　stark　naked；

off　one　of　these　little　islands　by　the　scruff　of　the　neck

and　fighting　like　a　wild　beast？　　Somebody　would　have　got　killed

for　certain；　and　I　did　not　want　any　of　that。　　So　I　went　on。

Then　your　ladder〃



〃Why　didn't　you　hail　the　ship？〃　　I　asked；　a　little　louder。



He　touched　my　shoulder　lightly。　　Lazy　footsteps　came　right　over　our　heads

and　stopped。　　The　second　mate　had　crossed　from　the　other　side　of　the　poop

and　might　have　been　hanging　over　the　rail　for　all　we　knew。



〃He　couldn't　hear　us　talkingcould　he？〃　　My　double　breathed

into　my　very　ear；　anxiously。



His　anxiety　was　in　answer；　a　sufficient　answer；　to　the　question

I　had　put　to　him。　　An　answer　containing　all　the　difficulty

of　that　situation。　　I　closed　the　porthole　quietly；　to　make　sure。

A　louder　word　might　have　been　overheard。



〃Who's　that？〃　he　whispered　then。



〃My　second　mate。　　But　I　don't　know　much　more　of　the　fellow　than　you　do。〃



And　I　told　him　a　little　about　myself。　　I　had　been　appointed　to　take

charge　while　I　least　expected　anything　of　the　sort；　not　quite

a　fortnight　ago。　　I　didn't　know　either　the　ship　or　the　people。

Hadn't　had　the　time　in　port　to　look　about　me　or　size　anybody　up。

And　as　to　the　crew；　all　they　knew　was　that　I　was　appointed　to　take

the　ship　home。　　For　the　rest；　I　was　almost　as　much　of　a　stranger　on

board　as　himself；　I　said。　　And　at　the　moment　I　felt　it　most　acutely。

I　felt　that　it　would　take　very　little　to　make　me　a　suspect　person

in　the　eyes　of　the　ship's　company。



He　had　turned　about　meantime；　and　we；　the　two　strangers　in　the　ship；

faced　each　other　in　identical　attitudes。



〃Your　ladder〃　he　murmured；　after　a　silence。　　〃Who'd　have　thought

of　finding　a　ladder　hanging　over　at　night　in　a　ship　anchored　out　here！

I　felt　just　then　a　very　unpleasant　faintness。　　After　the　life　I've

been　leading　for　nine　weeks；　anybody　would　have　got　out　of　condition。

I　wasn't　capable　of　swimming　round　as　far　as　your　rudder　chains。

And；　lo　and　behold！　there　was　a　ladder　to　get　hold　of。

After　I　gripped　it　I　said　to　myself；　‘What's　the　good？'

When　I　saw　a　man's　head　looking　over　I　thought　I　would　swim　away

presently　and　leave　him　shoutingin　whatever　language　it　was。

I　didn't　mind　being　looked　at。　　II　liked　it。　　And　then　you　speaking　to　me

so　quietlyas　if　you　had　expected　memade　me　hold　on　a　little　longer。

It　had　been　a　confounded　lonely　timeI　don't　mean　while　swimming。

I　was　glad　to　talk　a　little　to　somebody　that　didn't　belong　to　the　Sephora。

As　to　asking　for　the　captain；　that　was　a　mere　impulse。　　It　could

have　been　no　use；　with　all　the　ship　knowing　about　me　and　the　other

people　pretty　certain　to　be　round　here　in　the　morning。　　I　don't　know

I　wanted　to　be　seen；　to　talk　with　somebody；　before　I　went　on。

I　don't　know　what　I　would　have　said。　　。　。　。　‘Fine　night；　isn't　it？'

or　something　of　the　sort。〃



〃Do　you　think　they　will　be　round　here　presently？〃

I　asked　with　some　incredulity。



〃Quite　likely；〃　he　said；　faintly。



〃He　looked　extremely　haggard　all　of　a　sudden。　　His　head　rolled

on　his　shoulders。



〃H'm。　We　shall　see　then。　　Meantime　get　into　that　bed；〃　I　whispered。

〃Want　help？　　There。〃



It　was　a　rather　high　bed　place　with　a　set　of　drawers　underneath。

This　amazing　swimmer　really　needed　the　lift　I　gave　him　by　seizing　his　leg。

He　tumbled　in；　rolled　over　on　his　back；　and　flung　one　arm　across　his　eyes。

And　then；　with　his　face　nearly　hidden；　he　must　have　looked　exactly　as　I　used

to　look　in　that　bed。　　I　gazed　upon　my　other　self　for　a　while　before　drawing

across　carefully　the　two　green　serge　curtains　which　ran　on　a　brass　rod。

I　thought　for　a　moment　of　pinning　them　together　for　greater　safety；

but　I　sat　down　on　the　couch；　and　once　there　I　felt　unwilling　to　rise

and　hunt　for　a　pin。　　I　would　do　it　in　a　moment。　　I　was　extremely　tired；

in　a　peculiarly　intimate　way；　by　the　strain　of　stealthiness；

by　the　effort　of　whispering　and　the　general　secrecy　of　this　excitement。

It　was　three　o'clock　by　now　and　I　had　been　on　my　feet　since　nine；

but　I　was　not　sleepy；　I　could　not　have　gone　to　sleep。　　I　sat　there；

fagged　out；　looking　at　the　curtains；　trying　to　clear　my　mind　of　the　confused

sensation　of　being　in　two　places　at　once；　and　greatly　bothered　by　an

exasperating　knocking　in　my　head。　　It　was　a　relief　to　discover　suddenly

that　it　was　not　in　my　head　at　all；　but　on　the　outside　of　the　door。

Before　I　could　collect　myself　the　words　〃Come　in〃　were　out　of　my　mouth；

and　the　steward　entered　with　a　tray；　bringing　in　my　morning　coffee。

I　had　slept；　after　all；　and　I　was　so　frightened　that　I　shouted；

〃This　way！　　I　am　here；　steward；〃　as　though　he　had　been　miles　away。

He　put　down　the　tray　on　the　table　next　the　couch　and　only　then　said；

very　quietly；　〃I　can　see　you　are　here；　sir。〃　　I　felt　him　give　me　a　keen　look；

but　I　dared　not　meet　his　eyes　just　then。　　He　must　have　wondered　why　I

had　drawn　the　curtains　of　my　bed　before　going　to　sleep　on　the　couch。

He　went　out；　hooking　the　door　open　as　usual。



I　heard　the　crew　washing　decks　above　me。　　I　knew　I　would　have

been　told　at　once　if　there　had　been　any　wind。　　Calm；　I　thought；

and　I　was　doubly　vexed。　　Indeed；　I　felt　dual　more　than　ever。

The　steward　reappeared　suddenly　in　the　doorway。

I　jumped　up　from　the　couch　so　quickly　that　he　gave　a　start。



〃What　do　you　want　here？〃



〃Close　your　port；　sirthey　are　washing　decks。〃



〃It　is　closed；〃　I　said；　reddening。



〃Very　well；　sir。〃　　But　he　did　not　move　from　the　doorway　and　returned

my　stare　in　an　extraordinary；　equivocal　manner　for　a　time。

Then　his　eyes　wavered；　all　his　expression　changed；　and　in　a　voice

unusually　gentle；　almost　coaxingly：



〃May　I　come　in　to　take　the　empty　cup　away；　sir？〃



〃Of　course！〃　　I　turned　my　back　on　him　while　he　popped　in　and　out。

Then　I　unhooked　and　closed　the　door　and　even　pushed　the　bolt。

This　sort　of　thing　could　not　go　on　very　long。　　The　cabin　was　as　hot

as　an　oven；　too。　　I　took　a　peep　at　my　double；　and　discovered

that　he　had　not　moved；　his　arm　was　still　over　his　eyes；　but　his

chest　heaved；　his　hair　was　wet；　his　chin　glistened　with　perspiration。

I　reached　over　him　and　opened　the　port。



〃I　must　show　myself　on　deck；〃　I　reflected。



Of　course；　theoretically；　I　could　do　what　I　liked；　with　no

one　to　say　nay　to　me　within　the　whole　circle　of　the　horizon；

but　to　lock　my　cabin　door　and　take　the　key　away　I　did　not　dare。

Directly　I　put　my　head　out　of　the　companion　I　saw　the　group

of　my　two　officers；　the　second　mate　barefooted；　the　chief

mate　in　long　India…rubber　boots；　near　the　break　of　the　poop；

and　the　steward　halfway　down　the　poop　ladder　talking　to　them　eagerly。

He　happened　to　catch　sight　of　me　and　dived；　the　second

ran　down　on　the　main…deck　shouting　some　order　or　other；

and　the　chief　mate　came　to　meet　me；　touching　his　cap。



There　was　a　sort　of　curiosity　in　his　eye　that　I　did　not　like。

I　don't　know　whether　the　steward　had　told　them　that　I　was　〃queer〃　only；

or　downright　drunk；　but　I　know　the　man　meant　to　have　a　good　look　at　me。

I　watched　him　coming　with　a　smile　which；　as　he　got　into　point…blank　range；

took　effect　and　froze　his　very　whiskers。　　I　did　not　give　him　time

to　open　his　lips。



〃Square　the　yards　by　lifts　and　braces　before　the　hands　go　to　breakfast。〃



It　was　the　first　particular　order　I　had　given　on　board　that　ship；

and　I　stayed　on　deck　to　see　it　executed；　too。　　I　had　felt　the　need

of　asserting　myself　without　loss　of　time。　　That　sneering　young　cub

got　taken　down　a　peg　or　two　on　that　occasion；　and　I　also　seized

the　opportunity　of　having　a　good　look　at　the　face　of　every

foremast　man　as　they　filed　past　me　to　go　to　the　after　braces。

At　breakfast　time；　eating　nothing　myself；　I　presided　with　such

frigid　dignity　that　the　two　mates　were　only　too　glad　to　escape　from

the　cabin　as　soon　as　decency　permitted；　and　all　the　time　the　dual

working　of　my　mind　distracted　me　almost　to　the　point　of　insanity。

I　was　constantly　watching　myself；　my　secret　self；　as　dependent

on　my　actions　as　my　own　personality；　sleeping　in　that　bed；

behind　that　door　which　faced　me　as　I　sat　at　the　head　of　the　table。

It　was　very　much　like　being　mad；　only　it　was　worse　because　one　was

aware　of　it。



I　had　to　shake　him　for　a　solid　minute；　but　when　at　last　he　opened　his　eyes

it　was　in　the　full　possession　of　his　senses；　with　an　inquiring　look。



〃All's　well　so　far；〃　I　whispered。　　〃Now　you　must　vanish　into　the　bathroom。〃



He　did　so；　as　noiseless　as　a　ghost；　and　then　I　rang　for　the　steward；

and　facing　him　boldly；　directed　him　to　tidy　up　my　stateroom　while　I　was

having　my　bath〃and　be　quick　about　it。〃　　As　my　tone　admitted　of　no　excuses；

he　said；　〃Yes；　sir；〃　and　ran　off　to　fetch　his　dustpan　and　brushes。

I　took　a　bath　and　did　most　of　my　dressing；　splashing；　and　whistling

softly　for　the　steward's　edification；　while　the　secret　sharer　of　my　life

stood　drawn　up　bolt　upright　in　that　little　space；　his　face　looking

very　sunken　in　daylight；　his　eyelids　lowered　under　the　stern；　dark　line

of　his　eyebrows　drawn　together　by　a　slight　frown。



When　I　left　him　there　to　go　back　to　my　room　the　steward

was　finishing　dusting。　　I　sent　for　the　mate　and　engaged　him

in　some　insignificant　conversation。　　It　was；　as　it　were；

trifling　with　the　terrific　character　of　his　whiskers；　but　my　object

was　to　give　him　an　opportunity　for　a　good　look　at　my　cabin。

And　then　I　could　at　last　shut；　with　a　clear　conscience；　the　door

of　my　stateroom　and　get　my　double　back　into　the　recessed　part。

There　was　nothing　else　for　it。　　He　had　to　sit　still　on　a　small

folding　stool；　half　smothered　by　the　heavy　coats　hanging　there。

We　listened　to　the　steward　going　into　the　bathroom　out　of

the　saloon；　filling　the　water　bottles　there；　scrubbing　the　bath；

setting　things　to　rights；　whisk；　bang；　clatterout　again

into　the　saloonturn　the　keyclick。　　Such　was　my　scheme

for　keeping　my　second　self　invisible。　　Nothing　better　could

be　contrived　under　the　circumstances。　　And　there　we　sat；

I　at　my　writing　desk　ready　to　appear　busy　with　some　papers；

he　behind　me　out　of　sight　of　the　door。　　It　would　not　have

been　prudent　to　talk　in　daytime；　and　I　could　not　have　stood

the　excitement　of　that　queer　sense　of　whispering　to　myself。

Now　and　then；　glancing　over　my　shoulder；　I　saw　him　far　back　there；

sitting　rigidly　on　the　low　stool；　his　bare　feet　close　together；

his　arms　folded；　his　head　hanging　on　his　breastand　perfectly　still。

Anybody　would　have　taken　him　for　me。



I　was　fascinated　by　it　myself。　　Every　moment　I　had　to　glance

over　my　shoulder。　　I　was　looking　at　him　when　a　voice　outside

the　door　said：



〃Beg　pardon；　sir。〃



〃Well！　。　。　。　I　kept　my　eyes　on　him；　and　so　when　the　voice　outside

the　door　announced；　〃There's　a　ship's　boat　coming