生命不能承受之轻-第10章

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d　repulsive；　the　weakness　that　had　driven　Tereza　and　Tomas　from　the　country；　suddenly　attracted　her。　She　realized　that　she　belonged　among　the　weak；　in　the　camp　of　the　weak；　in　the　country　of　the　weak；　and　that　she　had　to　be　faithful　to　them　precisely　because　they　were　weak　and　gasped　for　breath　in　the　middle　of　sentences。
She　felt　attracted　by　their　weakness　as　by　vertigo。　She　felt　attracted　by　it　because　she　felt　weak　herself。　Again　she　began　to　feel　jealous　and　again　her　hands　shook。　When　Tomas　noticed　it；　he　did　what　he　usually　did：　he　took　her　hands　in　his　and　tried　to　calm　them　by　pressing　hard。　She　tore　them　away　from　him。
What's　the　matter？　he　asked。
Nothing。　
What　do　you　want　me　to　do　for　you？　
I　want　you　to　be　old。　Ten　years　older。　Twenty　years　older！　
What　she　meant　was：　I　want　you　to　be　weak。　As　weak　as　I　am。

27
Karenin　was　not　overjoyed　by　the　move　to　Switzerland。　Karenin　hated　change。　Dog　time　cannot　be　plotted　along　a　straight　line；　it　does　not　move　on　and　on；　from　one　thing　to　the　next。　It　moves　in　a　circle　like　the　hands　of　a　clock；　which—they；　too；　unwilling　to　dash　madly　ahead—turn　round　and　round　the　face；　day　in　and　day　out　following　the　same　path。　In　Prague；　when　Tomas　and　Tereza　bought　a　new　chair　or　moved　a　flower　pot；　Karenin　would　look　on　in　displeasure。　It　disturbed　his　sense　of　time。　It　was　as　though　they　were　trying　to　dupe　the　hands　of　the　clock　by　changing　the　numbers　on　its　face。
Nonetheless；　he　soon　managed　to　reestablish　the　old　order　and　old　rituals　in　the　Zurich　flat。　As　in　Prague；　he　would　jump　up　on　their　bed　and　welcome　them　to　the　day；　accompany　Tereza　on　her　morning　shopping　jaunt；　and　make　certain　he　got　the　other　walks　coming　to　him　as　well。
He　was　the　timepiece　of　their　lives。　In　periods　of　despair；　she　would　remind　herself　she　had　to　hold　on　because　of　him；　because　he　was　weaker　than　she；　weaker　perhaps　even　than　Dubcek　and　their　abandoned　homeland。
One　day　when　they　came　back　from　a　walk；　the　phone　was　ringing。　She　picked　up　the　receiver　and　asked　who　it　was。
It　was　a　woman's　voice　speaking　German　and　asking　for　Tomas。　It　was　an　impatient　voice；　and　Tereza　felt　there　was　a　hint　of　derision　in　it。　When　she　said　that　Tomas　wasn't　there　and　she　didn't　know　when　he'd　be　back；　the　woman　on　the　other　end　of　the　line　started　laughing　and；　without　saying　goodbye；　hung　up。
Tereza　knew　it　did　not　mean　a　thing。　It　could　have　been　a　nurse　from　the　hospital；　a　patient；　a　secretary；　anyone。　But　still　she　was　upset　and　unable　to　concentrate　on　anything。　It　was　then　that　she　realized　she　had　lost　the　last　bit　of　strength　she　had　had　at　home：　she　was　absolutely　incapable　of　tolerating　this　absolutely　insignificant　incident。
Being　in　a　foreign　country　means　walking　a　tightrope　high　above　the　ground　without　the　net　afforded　a　person　by　the　country　where　he　has　his　family；　colleagues；　and　friends；　and　where　he　can　easily　say　what　he　has　to　say　in　a　language　he　has　known　from　childhood。　In　Prague　she　was　dependent　on　Tomas　only　when　it　came　to　the　heart；　here　she　was　dependent　on　him　for　everything。　What　would　happen　to　her　here　if　he　abandoned　her？　Would　she　have　to　live　her　whole　life　in　fear　of　losing　him？
She　told　herself：　Their　acquaintance　had　been　based　on　an　error　from　the　start。　The　copy　of　Anna　Karenina　under　her　arm　amounted　to　false　papers；　it　had　given　Tomas　the　wrong　idea。　In　spite　of　their　love；　they　had　made　each　other's　life　a　hell。　The　fact　that　they　loved　each　other　was　merely　proof　that　the　fault　lay　not　in　themselves；　in　their　behavior　or　inconstancy　of　feeling；　but　rather　in　their　incompatibility：　he　was　strong　and　she　was　weak。　She　was　like　Dubcek；　who　made　a　thirty…second　pause　in　the　middle　of　a　sentence；　she　was　like　her　country；　which　stuttered；　gasped　for　breath；　could　not　speak。
But　when　the　strong　were　too　weak　to　hurt　the　weak；　the　weak　had　to　be　strong　enough　to　leave。
And　having　told　herself　all　this；　she　pressed　her　face　against　Karenin's　furry　head　and　said；　Sorry；　Karenin。　It　looks　as　though　you're　going　to　have　to　move　again。　

28
Sitting　crushed　into　a　corner　of　the　train　compartment　with　her　heavy　suitcase　above　her　head　and　Karenin　squeezed　against　her　legs；　she　kept　thinking　about　the　cook　at　the　hotel　restaurant　where　she　had　worked　when　she　lived　with　her　mother。　The　cook　would　take　every　opportunity　to　give　her　a　slap　on　the　behind；　and　never　tired　of　asking　her　in　front　of　everyone　when　she　would　give　in　and　go　to　bed　with　him。　It　was　odd　that　he　was　the　one　who　came　to　mind。　He　had　always　been　the　prime　example　of　everything　she　loathed。　And　now　all　she　could　think　of　was　looking　him　up　and　telling　him；　You　used　to　say　you　wanted　to　sleep　with　me。　Well；　here　I　am。　
She　longed　to　do　something　that　would　prevent　her　from　turning　back　to　Tomas。　She　longed　to　destroy　brutally　the　past　seven　years　of　her　life。　It　was　vertigo。　A　heady；　insuperable　longing　to　fall。
We　might　also　call　vertigo　the　intoxication　of　the　weak。　Aware　of　his　weakness；　a　man　decides　to　give　in　rather　than　stand　up　to　it。　He　is　drunk　with　weakness；　wishes　to　grow　even　weaker；　wishes　to　fall　down　in　the　middle　of　the　main　square　in　front　of　everybody；　wishes　to　be　down；　lower　than　down。
She　tried　to　talk　herself　into　settling　outside　of　Prague　and　giving　up　her　profession　as　a　photographer。　She　would　go　back　to　the　small　town　from　which　Tomas's　voice　had　once　lured　her。
But　once　in　Prague；　she　found　she　had　to　spend　some　time　taking　care　of　various　practical　matters；　and　began　putting　off　her　departure。
On　the　fifth　day；　Tomas　suddenly　turned　up。　Karenin　jumped　all　over　him；　so　it　was　a　while　before　they　had　to　make　any　overtures　to　each　other。
They　felt　they　were　standing　on　a　snow…covered　plain；　shivering　with　cold。
Then　they　moved　together　like　lovers　who　had　never　kissed　before。
Has　everything　been　all　right？　he　asked。
Yes；　she　answered。
Have　you　been　to　the　magazine？　
I've　given　them　a　call。　
Well？　
Nothing　yet。　I've　been　waiting。　
For　what？　
She　made　no　response。　She　could　not　tell　him　that　she　had　been　waiting　for　him。
29
Now　we　return　to　a　moment　we　already　know　about。　Tomas　was　desperately　unhappy　and　had　a　bad　stomachache。　He　did　not　fall　asleep　until　very　late　at　night。
Soon　thereafter　Tereza　awoke。　（There　were　Russian　airplanes　circling　over　Prague；　and　it　was　impossible　to　sleep　for　the　noise。）　Her　first　thought　was　that　he　had　come　back　because　of　her；　because　of　her；　he　had　changed　his　destiny。　Now　he　would　no　longer　be　responsible　for　her；　now　she　was　responsible　for　him。
The　responsibility；　she　felt；　seemed　to　require　more　strength　than　she　could　muster。
But　all　at　once　she　recalled　that　just　before　he　had　appeared　at　the　door　of　their　flat　the　day　before；　the　church　bells　had　chimed　six　o'clock。　On　the　day　they　first　met；　her　shift　had　ended　at　six。　She　saw　him　sitting　there　in　front　of　her　on　the　yellow　bench　and　heard　the　bells　in　the　belfry　chime　six。
No；　it　was　not　superstition；　it　was　a　sense　of　beauty　that　cured　her　of　her　depression　and　imbued　her　with　a　new　will　to　live。　The　birds　of　fortuity　had　alighted　once　more　on　her　shoulders。　There　were　tears　in　her　eyes；　and　she　was　unutterably　happy　to　hear　him　breathing　at　her　side。


PART　THREE
Words　Misunderstood

1
Geneva　is　a　city　of　fountains　large　and　small；　of　parks　where　music　once　rang　out　from　the　bandstands。　Even　the　university　is　hidden　among　trees。　Franz　had　just　finished　his　afternoon　lecture。　As　he　left　the　building；　the　sprinklers　were　spouting　jets　of　water　over　the　lawn　and　he　was　in　a　capital　mood。　He　was　on　his　way　to　see　his　mistress。　She　lived　only　a　few　streets　away。
He　often　stopped　in　for　a　visit；　but　only　as　a　friend；　never　as　a　lover。　If　he　made　love　to　her　in　her　Geneva　studio；　he　would　be　going　from　one　woman　to　the　other；　from　wife　to　mistress　and　back　in　a　single　day；　and　because　in　Geneva　husband　and　wife　sleep　together　in　the　French　style；　in　the　same　bed；　he　would　be　going　from　the　bed　of　one　woman　to　the　bed　of　another　in　the　space　of　several　hours。　And　that；　he　felt；　would　humiliate　both　mistress　and　wife　and；　in　the　end；　himself　as　well。
The　love　he　bore　this　woman；　with　whom　he　had　fallen　in　love　several　months　before；　was　so　precious　to　him　that　he　tried　to　create　an　independent　space　for　her　in　his　life；　a　restricted　zone　of　purity。　He　was　often　invited　to　lecture　at　foreign　universities；　and　now　he　accepted　all　offers。　But　because　they　were　not　enough　to　satisfy　his　new…found　wanderlust；　he　took　to　inventing　congresses　and　symposia　as　a　means　of　justifying　the　new　absences　to　his　wife。　His　mistress；　who　had　a　flexible　schedule；　accompanied　him　on　all　speaking　engagements；　real　and　imagined。　So　it　was　that　within　a　short　span　of　time　he　introduced　her　to　many　European　cities　and　an　American　one。
How　would　you　like　to　go　to　Palermo　ten　days　from　now？　asked　Franz。
I　prefer　Geneva；　she　answered。　She　was　standing　in　front　of　her　easel　examining　a　work　in　progress。
How　can　you　live　without　seeing　Palermo？　asked　Franz　in　an　attempt　at　levity。
I　have　seen　Palermo；　she　said。
You　have？　he　said　with　a　hint　of　jealousy。
A　friend　of　mine　once　sent　me　a　postcard　from　there。　It's　taped　up　over　the　toilet。　Haven't　you　noticed？　
Then　she　told　him　a　story。　Once　upon　a　time；　in　the　early　part　of　the　century；　there　lived　a　poet。　He　was　so　old　he　had　to　be　taken　on　walks　by　his　amanuensis。　'Master；'　his　amanuensis　said　one　day；　'look　what's　up　in　the　sky！　It's　the　first　airplane　ever　to　fly　over　the　city！'　'I　have　my　own　picture　of　it；'　said　the　poet　to　his　amanuensis；　without　raising　his　eyes　from　the　ground。　Well；　I　have　my　own　picture　of　Palermo。　It　has　the　same　hotels　and　cars　as　all　cities。　And　my　studio　always　has　new　and　different　pictures。　
Franz　was　sad。　He　had　grown　so　accustomed　to　linking　their　love　life　to　foreign　travel　that　his　Let's　go　to　Palermo！　was　an　unambiguous　erotic　message　and　her　I　prefer　Geneva　could　have　only　one　meaning：　his　mistress　no　longer　desired　him。
How　could　he　be　so　unsure　of　himself　with　her？　She　had　not　given　him　the　slightest　cause　for　worry！　In　fact；　she　was　the　one　who　had　taken　the　erotic　initiative　shortly　after　they　met。　He　was　a　good…looking　man；　he　was　at　the　peak　of　his　scholarly　career；　he　was　even　feared　by　his　colleagues　for　the　arrogance　and　tenacity　he　displayed　during　professional　meetings　and　colloquia。　Then　why　did　he　worry　daily　that　his　mistress　was　about　to　leave　him？
The　only　explanation　I　can　suggest　is　that　for　Franz；　love　was　not　an　extension　of　public　life　but　its　antithesis。　It　meant　a　longing　to　put　himself　at　the　mercy　of　his　partner。　He　who　gives　himself　up　like　a　prisoner　of　war　must　give　up　his　weapons　as　well。　And　deprived　in　advance　of　defense　against　a　possible　blow；　he　cannot　help　wondering　when　the　blow　will　fall。　That　is　why　I　can　say　that　for　Franz；　love　meant　the　constant　expectation　of　a　blow。
While　Franz　attended　to　his　anguish；　his　mistress　put　down　her　brush　and　went　into　the　next　room。　She　returned　with　a　bottle　of　wine。　She　opened　it　without　a　word　and　poured　out　two　glasses。
Immediately　he　felt　relieved　and　slightly　ridiculous。　The　I　prefer　Geneva　did　not　mean　she　refused　to　make　love；　quite　the　contrary；　it　meant　she　was　tired　of　limiting　their　lovemaking　to　foreign　cities。