生命不能承受之轻-第19章

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no　answers　that　set　the　limits　of　human　possibilities；　describe　the　boundaries　of　human　existence。）
Tereza　stood　bewitched　before　the　mirror；　staring　at　her　body　as　if　it　were　alien　to　her；　alien　and　yet　assigned　to　her　and　no　one　else。　She　felt　disgusted　by　it。　It　lacked　the　power　to　become　the　only　body　in　Tomas's　life。　It　had　disappointed　and　deceived　her。　All　that　night　she　had　had　to　inhale　the　aroma　of　another　woman's　groin　from　his　hair！
Suddenly　she　longed　to　dismiss　her　body　as　one　dismisses　a　servant：　to　stay　on　with　Tomas　only　as　a　soul　and　send　her　body　into　the　world　to　behave　as　other　female　bodies　behave　with　male　bodies。　If　her　body　had　failed　to　become　the　only　body　for　Tomas；　and　thereby　lost　her　the　biggest　battle　of　her　life；　it　could　just　as　well　go　off　on　its　own！
7
She　went　home　and　forced　herself　to　eat　a　stand…up　lunch　in　the　kitchen。　At　half　past　three；　she　put　Karenin　on　his　leash　and　walked　（walking　again）　to　the　outskirts　of　town　where　her　hotel　was。　When　they　fired　Tereza　from　her　job　at　the　magazine；　she　found　work　behind　the　bar　of　a　hotel。　It　happened　several　months　after　she　came　back　from　Zurich：　they　could　not　forgive　her；　in　the　end；　for　the　week　she　spent　photographing　Russian　tanks。　She　got　the　job　through　friends；　other　people　who　had　taken　refuge　there　when　thrown　out　of　work　by　the　Russians：　a　former　professor　of　theology　in　the　accounting　office；　an　ambassador　（who　had　protested　against　the　invasion　on　foreign　television）　at　the　reception　desk。
She　was　worried　about　her　legs　again。　While　working　as　a　waitress　in　the　small…town　restaurant；　she　had　been　horrified　at　the　sight　of　the　older　waitresses'　varicose　veins；　a　professional　hazard　that　came　of　a　life　of　walking；　running；　and　standing　with　heavy　loads。　But　the　new　job　was　less　demanding：　although　she　began　each　shift　by　dragging　out　heavy　cases　of　beer　and　mineral　water；　all　she　had　to　do　then　was　stand　behind　the　bar；　serve　the　customers　their　drinks；　and　wash　out　the　glasses　in　the　small　sink　on　her　side　of　the　bar。　And　through　it　all　she　had　Karenin　lying　docilely　at　her　feet。
It　was　long　past　midnight　before　she　had　finished　her　accounts　and　delivered　the　cash　receipts　to　the　hotel　director。　She　then　went　to　say　good…bye　to　the　ambassador；　who　had　night　duty。　The　door　behind　the　reception　desk　led　to　a　tiny　room　with　a　narrow　cot　where　he　could　take　a　nap。　The　wall　above　the　cot　was　covered　with　framed　photographs　of　himself　and　various　people　smiling　at　the　camera　or　shaking　his　hand　or　sitting　next　to　him　at　a　table　and　signing　something　or　other。　Some　of　them　were　autographed。　In　the　place　of　honor　hung　a　picture　showing；　side　by　side　with　his　own　face；　the　smiling　face　of　John　F。　Kennedy。
When　Tereza　entered　the　room　that　night；　she　found　him　talking　not　to　Kennedy　but　to　a　man　of　about　sixty　whom　she　had　never　seen　before　and　who　fell　silent　as　soon　as　he　saw　her。
It's　all　right；　said　the　ambassador。　She's　a　friend。　You　can　speak　freely　in　front　of　her。　Then　he　turned　to　Tereza。　His　son　got　five　years　today。　
During　the　first　days　of　the　invasion；　she　learned；　the　man's　son　and　some　friends　had　stood　watch　over　the　entrance　to　a　building　housing　the　Russian　army　special　staff。　Since　any　Czechs　they　saw　coming　or　going　were　clearly　agents　in　the　service　of　the　Russians；　he　and　his　friends　trailed　them；　traced　the　number　plates　of　their　cars；　and　passed　on　the　information　to　the　pro…Dubcek　clandestine　radio　and　television　broadcasters；　who　then　warned　the　public。　In　the　process　the　boy　and　his　friends　had　given　one　of　the　traitors　a　thorough　going　over。
The　boy's　father　said；　This　photograph　was　the　only　corpus　delicti。　He　denied　it　all　until　they　showed　it　to　him。　
He　took　a　clipping　out　of　his　wallet。　It　came　out　in　the　Times　in　the　autumn　of　1968。　
It　was　a　picture　of　a　young　man　grabbing　another　man　by　the　throat　and　a　crowd　looking　on　in　the　background。　Collaborator　Punished　read　the　caption。
Tereza　let　out　her　breath。　No；　it　wasn't　one　of　hers。
Walking　home　with　Karenin　through　nocturnal　Prague；　she　thought　of　the　days　she　had　spent　photographing　tanks。　How　naive　they　had　been；　thinking　they　were　risking　their　lives　for　their　country　when　in　fact　they　were　helping　the　Russian　police。
She　got　home　at　half　past　one。　Tomas　was　asleep。　His　hair　gave　off　the　aroma　of　a　woman's　groin。
8
What　is　flirtation？　One　might　say　that　it　is　behavior　leading　another　to　believe　that　sexual　intimacy　is　possible；　while　preventing　that　possibility　from　becoming　a　certainty。　In　other　words；　flirting　is　a　promise　of　sexual　intercourse　without　a　guarantee。
When　Tereza　stood　behind　the　bar；　the　men　whose　drinks　she　poured　flirted　with　her。　Was　she　annoyed　by　the　unending　ebb　and　flow　of　flattery；　double　entendres；　off…color　stories；　propositions；　smiles；　and　glances？　Not　in　the　least。　She　had　an　irresistible　desire　to　expose　her　body　（that　alien　body　she　wanted　to　expel　into　the　big　wide　world）　to　the　undertow。
Tomas　kept　trying　to　convince　her　that　love　and　lovemaking　were　two　different　things。　She　refused　to　understand。　Now　she　was　surrounded　by　men　she　did　not　care　for　in　the　slightest。　What　would　making　love　with　them　be　like？　She　yearned　to　try　it；　if　only　in　the　form　of　that　no…guarantee　promise　called　flirting。
Let　there　be　no　mistake：　Tereza　did　not　wish　to　take　revenge　on　Tomas；　she　merely　wished　to　find　a　way　out　of　the　maze。　She　knew　that　she　had　become　a　burden　to　him：　she　took　things　too　seriously；　turning　everything　into　a　tragedy；　and　failed　to　grasp　the　lightness　and　amusing　insignificance　of　physical　love。　How　she　wished　she　could　learn　lightness！　She　yearned　for　someone　to　help　her　out　of　her　anachronistic　shell。
If　for　some　women　flirting　is　second　nature；　insignificant；　routine；　for　Tereza　it　had　developed　into　an　important　field　of　research　with　the　goal　of　teaching　her　who　she　was　and　what　she　was　capable　of。　But　by　making　it　important　and　serious；　she　deprived　it　of　its　lightness；　and　it　became　forced；　labored；　overdone。　She　disturbed　the　balance　between　promise　and　lack　of　guarantee　（which；　when　maintained；　is　a　sign　of　flirtistic　virtuosity）；　she　promised　too　ardently；　and　without　making　it　clear　that　the　promise　involved　no　guarantee　on　her　part。　Which　is　another　way　of　saying　that　she　gave　everyone　the　impression　of　being　there　for　the　taking。　But　when　men　responded　by　asking　for　what　they　felt　they　had　been　promised；　they　met　with　strong　resistance；　and　their　only　explanation　for　it　was　that　she　was　deceitful　and　malicious。
9
One　day；　a　boy　of　about　sixteen　perched　himself　on　a　bar　stool　and　dropped　a　few　provocative　phrases　that　stood　out　in　the　general　conversation　like　a　false　line　in　a　drawing；　a　line　that　can　be　neither　continued　nor　erased。
That's　some　pair　of　legs　you've　got　there。　
So　you　can　see　through　wood！　she　fired　back。　I've　watched　you　in　the　street；　he　responded；　but　by　then　she　had　turned　away　and　was　serving　another　customer。　When　she　had　finished；　he　ordered　a　cognac。　She　shook　her　head。　But　I'm　eighteen！　he　objected。　May　I　see　your　identification　card？　Tereza　said。　You　may　not；　the　boy　answered。　Then　how　about　a　soft　drink？　said　Tereza。　Without　a　word；　the　boy　stood　up　from　the　bar　stool　and　left。　He　was　back　about　a　half　hour　later。　With　exaggerated　gestures；　he　took　a　seat　at　the　bar。　There　was　enough　alcohol　on　his　breath　to　cover　a　ten…foot　radius。　Give　me　that　soft　drink；　he　commanded。
Why；　you're　drunk！　said　Tereza。　The　boy　pointed　to　a　sign　hanging　on　the　wall　behind　Tereza's　back：　Sale　of　Alcoholic　Beverages　to　Minors　Is　Strictly　Prohibited。　You　are　prohibited　from　serving　me　alcohol；　he　said；　sweeping　his　arm　from　the　sign　to　Tereza；　but　I　am　not　prohibited　from　being　drunk。　
Where　did　you　get　so　drunk？　Tereza　asked。　In　the　bar　across　the　street；　he　said；　laughing；　and　asked　again　for　a　soft　drink。
Well；　why　didn't　you　stay　there？　Because　I　wanted　to　look　at　you；　he　said。　I　love　you！　His　face　contorted　oddly　as　he　said　it；　and　Tereza　had　trouble　deciding　whether　he　was　sneering；　making　advances；　or　joking。　Or　was　he　simply　so　drunk　that　he　had　no　idea　what　he　was　saying？
She　put　the　soft　drink　down　in　front　of　him　and　went　back　to　her　other　customers。　The　I　love　you！　seemed　to　have　exhausted　the　boy's　resources。　He　emptied　his　glass　in　silence；　left　money　on　the　counter；　and　slipped　out　before　Tereza　had　time　to　look　up　again。
A　moment　after　he　left；　a　short；　bald…headed　man；　who　was　on　his　third　vodka；　said；　You　ought　to　know　that　serving　young　people　alcohol　is　against　the　law。　
I　didn't　serve　him　alcohol！　That　was　a　soft　drink！　
I　saw　what　you　slipped　into　it！　
What　are　you　talking　about？　
Give　me　another　vodka；　said　the　bald　man；　and　added；　I've　had　my　eye　on　you　for　some　time　now。　
Then　why　not　be　grateful　for　the　view　of　a　beautiful　woman　and　keep　your　mouth　shut？　interjected　a　tall　man　who　had　stepped　up　to　the　bar　in　time　to　observe　the　entire　scene。
You　stay　out　of　this！　shouted　the　bald　man。　What　business　is　it　of　yours？　
And　what　business　is　it　of　yours；　if　I　may　ask？　the　tall　man　retorted。
Tereza　served　the　bald　man　his　vodka。　He　downed　it　at　one　gulp；　paid；　and　departed。
Thank　you；　said　Tereza　to　the　tall　man。
Don't　mention　it；　said　the　tall　man；　and　went　his　way；　too。
10
A　few　days　later；　he　turned　up　at　the　bar　again。　When　she　saw　him；　she　smiled　at　him　like　a　friend。　Thanks　again。　That　bald　fellow　comes　in　all　the　time。　He's　terribly　unpleasant。　
Forget　him。　
What　makes　him　want　to　hurt　me？　
He's　a　petty　little　drunk。　Forget　him。　
If　you　say　so。　
The　tall　man　looked　in　her　eyes。　Promise？　
I　promise。　
I　like　hearing　you　make　me　promises；　he　said；　still　looking　in　her　eyes。
The　flirtation　was　on：　the　behavior　leading　another　to　believe　that　sexual　intimacy　is　possible；　even　though　the　possibility　itself　remains　in　the　realm　of　theory；　in　suspense。
What's　a　beautiful　girl　like　you　doing　in　the　ugliest　part　of　Prague？　
And　you？　she　countered。　What　are　you　doing　in　the　ugliest　part　of　Prague？　
He　told　her　he　lived　nearby。　He　was　an　engineer　and　had　stopped　off　on　his　way　home　from　work　the　other　day　by　sheer　chance。
11
When　Tereza　looked　at　Tomas；　her　eyes　went　not　to　his　eyes　but　to　a　point　three　or　four　inches　higher；　to　his　hair；　which　gave　off　the　aroma　of　other　women's　groins。
I　can't　take　it　anymore；　Tomas。　I　know　I　shouldn't　complain。　Ever　since　you　came　back　to　Prague　for　me；　I've　forbidden　myself　to　be　jealous。　I　don't　want　to　be　jealous。　I　suppose　I'm　just　not　strong　enough　to　stand　up　to　it。　Help　me；　please！　
He　put　his　arm　in　hers　and　took　her　to　the　park　where　years　before　they　had　gone　on　frequent　walks。　The　park　had　red；　blue；　and　yellow　benches。　They　sat　down。
I　understand　you。　I　know　what　you　want；　said　Tomas。　I've　taken　care　of　everything。　All　you　have　to　do　is　climb　Petrin　Hill。　
Petrin　Hill？　She　felt　a　surge　of　anxiety。　Why　Petrin　Hill？　
You'll　see　when　you　get　up　there。　
She　was　terribly　upset　about　the　idea　of　going。　Her　body　was　so　weak　that　she　could　scarcely　lift　it　off　the　bench。　But　she　was　constitutionally　unable　to　disobey　Tomas。　She　forced　herself　to　stand。
She　looked　back。　He　was　still　sitting　on　the　bench；　smiling　at　her　almost　cheerfully。　With　a　wave　of　the　hand　he　signaled　her　to　move　on。
12
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