生命不能承受之轻-第2章

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his　life　in　such　a　way　that　no　woman　could　move　in　with　a　suitcase。　That　was　why　his　flat　had　only　the　one　bed。　Even　though　it　was　wide　enough；　Tomas　would　tell　his　mistresses　that　he　was　unable　to　fall　asleep　with　anyone　next　to　him；　and　drive　them　home　after　midnight。　And　so　it　was　not　the　flu　that　kept　him　from　sleeping　with　Tereza　on　her　first　visit。　The　first　night　he　had　slept　in　his　large　armchair；　and　the　rest　of　that　week　he　drove　each　night　to　the　hospital；　where　he　had　a　cot　in　his　office。
But　this　time　he　fell　asleep　by　her　side。　When　he　woke　up　the　next　morning；　he　found　Tereza；　who　was　still　asleep；　holding　his　hand。　Could　they　have　been　hand　in　hand　all　night？　It　was　hard　to　believe。
And　while　she　breathed　the　deep　breath　of　sleep　and　held　his　hand　（firmly：　he　was　unable　to　disengage　it　from　her　grip）；　the　enormously　heavy　suitcase　stood　by　the　bed。
He　refrained　from　loosening　his　hand　from　her　grip　for　fear　of　waking　her；　and　turned　carefully　on　his　side　to　observe　her　better。
Again　it　occurred　to　him　that　Tereza　was　a　child　put　in　a　pitch…daubed　bulrush　basket　and　sent　downstream。　He　couldn't　very　well　let　a　basket　with　a　child　in　it　float　down　a　stormy　river！　If　the　Pharaoh's　daughter　hadn't　snatched　the　basket　carrying　little　Moses　from　the　waves；　there　would　have　been　no　Old　Testament；　no　civilization　as　we　now　know　it！　How　many　ancient　myths　begin　with　the　rescue　of　an　abandoned　child！　If　Polybus　hadn't　taken　in　the　young　Oedipus；　Sophocles　wouldn't　have　written　his　most　beautiful　tragedy！
Tomas　did　not　realize　at　the　time　that　metaphors　are　dangerous。　Metaphors　are　not　to　be　trifled　with。　A　single　metaphor　can　give　birth　to　love。
5
He　lived　a　scant　two　years　with　his　wife；　and　they　had　a　son。　At　the　divorce　proceedings；　the　judge　awarded　the　infant　to　its　mother　and　ordered　Tomas　to　pay　a　third　of　his　salary　for　its　support。　He　also　granted　him　the　right　to　visit　the　boy　every　other　week。
But　each　time　Tomas　was　supposed　to　see　him；　the　boy's　mother　found　an　excuse　to　keep　him　away。　He　soon　realized　that　bringing　them　expensive　gifts　would　make　things　a　good　deal　easier；　that　he　was　expected　to　bribe　the　mother　for　the　son's　love。　He　saw　a　future　of　quixotic　attempts　to　inculcate　his　views　in　the　boy；　views　opposed　in　every　way　to　the　mother's。　The　very　thought　of　it　exhausted　him。　When；　one　Sunday；　the　boy's　mother　again　canceled　a　scheduled　visit；　Tomas　decided　on　the　spur　of　the　moment　never　to　see　him　again。
Why　should　he　feel　more　for　that　child；　to　whom　he　was　bound　by　nothing　but　a　single　improvident　night；　than　for　any　other？　He　would　be　scrupulous　about　paying　support；　he　just　didn't　want　anybody　making　him　fight　for　his　son　in　the　name　of　paternal　sentiments！
Needless　to　say；　he　found　no　sympathizers。　His　own　parents　condemned　him　roundly：　if　Tomas　refused　to　take　an　interest　in　his　son；　then　they；　Tomas's　parents；　would　no　longer　take　an　interest　in　theirs。　They　made　a　great　show　of　maintaining　good　relations　with　their　daughter…in…law　and　trumpeted　their　exemplary　stance　and　sense　of　justice。
Thus　in　practically　no　time　he　managed　to　rid　himself　of　wife；　son；　mother；　and　father。　The　only　thing　they　bequeathed　to　him　was　a　fear　of　women。　Tomas　desired　but　feared　them。　Needing　to　create　a　compromise　between　fear　and　desire；　he　devised　what　he　called　erotic　friendship。　He　would　tell　his　mistresses：　the　only　relationship　that　can　make　both　partners　happy　is　one　in　which　sentimentality　has　no　place　and　neither　partner　makes　any　claim　on　the　life　and　freedom　of　the　other。
To　ensure　that　erotic　friendship　never　grew　into　the　aggression　of　love；　he　would　meet　each　of　his　long…term　mistresses　only　at　intervals。　He　considered　this　method　flawless　and　propagated　it　among　his　friends：　The　important　thing　is　to　abide　by　the　rule　of　threes。　Either　you　see　a　woman　three　times　in　quick　succession　and　then　never　again；　or　you　maintain　relations　over　the　years　but　make　sure　that　the　rendezvous　are　at　least　three　weeks　apart。　
The　rule　of　threes　enabled　Tomas　to　keep　intact　his　liaisons　with　some　women　while　continuing　to　engage　in　short…term　affairs　with　many　others。　He　was　not　always　understood。　The　woman　who　understood　him　best　was　Sabina。　She　was　a　painter。　The　reason　I　like　you；　she　would　say　to　him；　is　you're　the　complete　opposite　of　kitsch。　In　the　kingdom　of　kitsch　you　would　be　a　monster。　
It　was　Sabina　he　turned　to　when　he　needed　to　find　a　job　for　Tereza　in　Prague。　Following　the　unwritten　rules　of　erotic　friendship；　Sabina　promised　to　do　everything　in　her　power；　and　before　long　she　had　in　fact　located　a　place　for　Tereza　in　the　darkroom　of　an　illustrated　weekly。　Although　her　new　job　did　not　require　any　particular　qualifications；　it　raised　her　status　from　waitress　to　member　of　the　press。　When　Sabina　herself　introduced　Tereza　to　everyone　on　the　weekly；　Tomas　knew　he　had　never　had　a　better　friend　as　a　mistress　than　Sabina。
6
The　unwritten　contract　of　erotic　friendship　stipulated　that　Tomas　should　exclude　all　love　from　his　life。　The　moment　he　violated　that　clause　of　the　contract；　his　other　mistresses　would　assume　inferior　status　and　become　ripe　for　insurrection。
Accordingly；　he　rented　a　room　for　Tereza　and　her　heavy　suitcase。　He　wanted　to　be　able　to　watch　over　her；　protect　her；　enjoy　her　presence；　but　felt　no　need　to　change　his　way　of　life。　He　did　not　want　word　to　get　out　that　Tereza　was　sleeping　at　his　place：　spending　the　night　together　was　the　corpus　delicti　of　love。
He　never　spent　the　night　with　the　others。　It　was　easy　enough　if　he　was　at　their　place：　he　could　leave　whenever　he　pleased。　It　was　worse　when　they　were　at　his　and　he　had　to　explain　that　come　midnight　he　would　have　to　drive　them　home　because　he　was　an　insomniac　and　found　it　impossible　to　fall　asleep　in　close　proximity　to　another　person。　Though　it　was　not　far　from　the　truth；　he　never　dared　tell　them　the　whole　truth：
after　making　love　he　had　an　uncontrollable　craving　to　be　by　himself；　waking　in　the　middle　of　the　night　at　the　side　of　an　alien　body　was　distasteful　to　him；　rising　in　the　morning　with　an　intruder　repellent；　he　had　no　desire　to　be　overheard　brushing　his　teeth　in　the　bathroom；　nor　was　he　enticed　by　the　thought　of　an　intimate　breakfast。
That　is　why　he　was　so　surprised　to　wake　up　and　find　Tereza　squeezing　his　hand　tightly。　Lying　there　looking　at　her；　he　could　not　quite　understand　what　had　happened。　But　as　he　ran　through　the　previous　few　hours　in　his　mind；　he　began　to　sense　an　aura　of　hitherto　unknown　happiness　emanating　from　them。
From　that　time　on　they　both　looked　forward　to　sleeping　together。　I　might　even　say　that　the　goal　of　their　lovemaking　was　not　so　much　pleasure　as　the　sleep　that　followed　it。　She　especially　was　affected。　Whenever　she　stayed　overnight　in　her　rented　room　（which　quickly　became　only　an　alibi　for　Tomas）；　she　was　unable　to　fall　asleep；　in　his　arms　she　would　fall　asleep　no　matter　how　wrought　up　she　might　have　been。　He　would　whisper　impromptu　fairy　tales　about　her；　or　gibberish；　words　he　repeated　monotonously；　words　soothing　or　comical；　which　turned　into　vague　visions　lulling　her　through　the　first　dreams　of　the　night。　He　had　complete　control　over　her　sleep：　she　dozed　off　at　the　second　he　chose。
While　they　slept；　she　held　him　as　on　the　first　night；　keeping　a　firm　grip　on　wrist；　finger；　or　ankle。　If　he　wanted　to　move　without　waking　her；　he　had　to　resort　to　artifice。　After　freeing　his　finger　（wrist；　ankle）　from　her　clutches；　a　process　which；　since　she　guarded　him　carefully　even　in　her　sleep；　never　failed　to　rouse　her　partially；　he　would　calm　her　by　slipping　an　object　into　her　hand　（a　rolled…up　pajama　top；　a　slipper；　a　book）；　which　she　then　gripped　as　tightly　as　if　it　were　a　part　of　his　body。
Once；　when　he　had　just　lulled　her　to　sleep　but　she　had　gone　no　farther　than　dream's　antechamber　and　was　therefore　still　responsive　to　him；　he　said　to　her；　Good…bye；　I'm　going　now。　Where？　she　asked　in　her　sleep。　Away；　he　answered　sternly。　Then　I'm　going　with　you；　she　said；　sitting　up　in　bed。　No；　you　can't。　I'm　going　away　for　good；　he　said；　going　out　into　the　hall。　She　stood　up　and　followed　him　out；　squinting。　She　was　naked　beneath　her　short　nightdress。　Her　face　was　blank；　expressionless；　but　she　moved　energetically。　He　walked　through　the　hall　of　the　flat　into　the　hall　of　the　building　（the　hall　shared　by　all　the　occupants）；　closing　the　door　in　her　face。　She　flung　it　open　and　continued　to　follow　him；　convinced　in　her　sleep　that　he　meant　to　leave　her　for　good　and　she　had　to　stop　him。　He　walked　down　the　stairs　to　the　first　landing　and　waited　for　her　there。　She　went　down　after　him；　took　him　by　the　hand；　and　led　him　back　to　bed。
Tomas　came　to　this　conclusion：　Making　love　with　a　woman　and　sleeping　with　a　woman　are　two　separate　passions；　not　merely　different　but　opposite。　Love　does　not　make　itself　felt　in　the　desire　for　copulation　（a　desire　that　extends　to　an　infinite　number　of　women）　but　in　the　desire　for　shared　sleep　（a　desire　limited　to　one　woman）。
7
In　the　middle　of　the　night　she　started　moaning　in　her　sleep。　Tomas　woke　her　up；　but　when　she　saw　his　face　she　said；　with　hatred　in　her　voice；　Get　away　from　me！　Get　away　from　me！　Then　she　told　him　her　dream：　The　two　of　them　and　Sabina　had　been　in　a　big　room　together。　There　was　a　bed　in　the　middle　of　the　room。　It　was　like　a　platform　in　the　theater。　Tomas　ordered　her　to　stand　in　the　corner　while　he　made　love　to　Sabina。　The　sight　of　it　caused　Tereza　intolerable　suffering。　Hoping　to　alleviate　the　pain　in　her　heart　by　pains　of　the　flesh；　she　jabbed　needles　under　her　fingernails。　It　hurt　so　much；　she　said；　squeezing　her　hands　into　fists　as　if　they　actually　were　wounded。
He　pressed　her　to　him；　and　she　gradually　（trembling　violently　for　a　long　time）　fell　asleep　in　his　arms。
Thinking　about　the　dream　the　next　day；　he　remembered　something。　He　opened　a　desk　drawer　and　took　out　a　packet　of　letters　Sabina　had　written　to　him。　He　was　not　long　in　finding　the　following　passage：　I　want　to　make　love　to　you　in　my　studio。　It　will　be　like　a　stage　surrounded　by　people。　The　audience　won't　be　allowed　up　close；　but　they　won't　be　able　to　take　their　eyes　off　us。。。。　
The　worst　of　it　was　that　the　letter　was　dated。　It　was　quite　recent；　written　long　after　Tereza　had　moved　in　with　Tomas。
So　you've　been　rummaging　in　my　letters！　
She　did　not　deny　it。　Throw　me　out；　then！　
But　he　did　not　throw　her　out。　He　could　picture　her　pressed　against　the　wall　of　Sabina's　studio　jabbing　needles　up　under　her　nails。　He　took　her　fingers　between　his　hands　and　stroked　them；　brought　them　to　his　lips　and　kissed　them；　as　if　they　still　had　drops　of　blood　on　them。
But　from　that　time　on；　everything　seemed　to　conspire　against　him。　Not　a　day　went　by　without　her　learning　something　about　his　secret　life。
At　first　he　denied　it　all。　Then；　when　the　evidence　became　too　blatant；　he　argued　that　his　polygamous　way　of　life　did　not　in　the　least　run　counter　to　his　love　for　her。　He　was　inconsistent：　first　he　disavowed　his　infidelities；　then　he　tried　to　justify　them。
Once　he　was　saying　good…bye　after　making　a　date　with　a　woman　on　the　phone；　when　from　the　next　room　came　a　strange　sound　like　the　chattering　of　teeth。By　chance　she　had　come　home　without　his　realizing　it。　She　was　pouring　something　from　a　medicine　bottle　down　her　throat；　and　her　hand　shook　so　badly　the