生命不能承受之轻-第40章

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　her　back　on　him。
Tomas　retreated　into　his　room；　slamming　the　door　behind　him。
Tereza　went　in　and　opened　it。　Instead　of　thinking　about　yourself　all　the　time；　you　might　at　least　have　some　consideration　for　him；　she　said。　He　was　asleep　until　you　woke　him。　Now　he'll　start　whimpering　again。　
She　knew　she　was　being　unfair　（the　dog　was　not　asleep）；　she　knew　she　was　acting　like　the　most　vulgar　of　women；　the　kind　that　is　out　to　cause　pain　and　knows　how。
Tomas　tiptoed　into　the　room　where　Karenin　was　lying；　but　she　would　not　leave　him　alone　with　the　dog。　They　both　leaned　over　him；　each　from　his　own　side。　Not　that　there　was　a　hint　of　reconciliation　in　the　move。　Quite　the　contrary。　Each　of　them　was　alone。　Tereza　with　her　dog；　Tomas　with　his。
It　is　thus　divided；　each　alone；　that；　sad　to　say；　they　remained　with　him　until　his　last　hour。
4
Why　was　the　word　idyll　so　important　for　Tereza？
Raised　as　we　are　on　the　mythology　of　the　Old　Testament；　we　might　say　that　an　idyll　is　an　image　that　has　remained　with　us　like　a　memory　of　Paradise：　life　in　Paradise　was　not　like　following　a　straight　line　to　the　unknown；　it　was　not　an　adventure。　It　moved　in　a　circle　among　known　objects。　Its　monotony　bred　happiness；　not　boredom。
As　long　as　people　lived　in　the　country；　in　nature；　surrounded　by　domestic　animals；　in　the　bosom　of　regularly　recurring　seasons；　they　retained　at　least　a　glimmer　of　that　paradisiac　idyll。　That　is　why　Tereza；　when　she　met　the　chairman　of　the　collective　farm　at　the　spa；　conjured　up　an　image　of　the　countryside　（a　countryside　she　had　never　lived　in　or　known）　that　she　found　enchanting。　It　was　her　way　of　looking　back；　back　to　Paradise。
Adam；　leaning　over　a　well；　did　not　yet　realize　that　what　he　saw　was　himself。　He　would　not　have　understood　Tereza　when　she　stood　before　the　mirror　as　a　young　girl　and　tried　to　see　her　soul　through　her　body。　Adam　was　like　Karenin。　Tereza　made　a　game　of　getting　him　to　look　at　himself　in　the　mirror；　but　he　never　recognized　his　image；　gazed　at　it　vacantly；　with　incredible　indifference。
Comparing　Adam　and　Karenin　leads　me　to　the　thought　that　in　Paradise　man　was　not　yet　man。　Or　to　be　more　precise；　man　had　not　yet　been　cast　out　on　man's　path。　Now　we　are　longtime　outcasts；　Hying　through　the　emptiness　of　time　in　a　straight　line。　Yet　somewhere　deep　down　a　thin　thread　still　ties　us　to　that　far…off　misty　Paradise；　where　Adam　leans　over　a　well　and；　unlike　Narcissus；　never　even　suspects　that　the　pale　yellow　blotch　appearing　in　it　is　he　himself。　The　longing　for　Paradise　is　man's　longing　not　to　be　man。
Whenever；　as　a　child；　she　came　across　her　mother's　sanitary　napkins　soiled　with　menstrual　blood；　she　felt　disgusted；　and　hated　her　mother　for　lacking　the　shame　to　hide　them。　But　Karenin；　who　was　after　all　a　female；　had　his　periods；　too。　They　came　once　every　six　months　and　lasted　a　fortnight。　To　keep　him　from　soiling　their　flat；　Tereza　would　put　a　wad　of　absorbent　cotton　between　his　legs　and　pull　a　pair　of　old　panties　over　it；　skillfully　tying　them　to　his　body　with　a　long　ribbon。　She　would　go　on　laughing　at　the　outfit　for　the　entire　two　weeks　of　each　period。
Why　is　it　that　a　dog's　menstruation　made　her　lighthearted　and　gay；　while　her　own　menstruation　made　her　squeamish？　The　answer　seems　simple　to　me：　dogs　were　never　expelled　from　Paradise。　Karenin　knew　nothing　about　the　duality　of　body　and　soul　and　had　no　concept　of　disgust。　That　is　why　Tereza　felt　so　free　and　easy　with　him。　（And　that　is　why　it　is　so　dangerous　to　turn　an　animal　into　a　machina　animata；　a　cow　into　an　automaton　for　the　production　of　milk。　By　so　doing；　man　cuts　the　thread　binding　him　to　Paradise　and　has　nothing　left　to　hold　or　comfort　him　on　his　flight　through　the　emptiness　of　time。）
From　this　jumble　of　ideas　came　a　sacrilegious　thought　that　Tereza　could　not　shake　off：　the　love　that　tied　her　to　Karenin　was　better　than　the　love　between　her　and　Tomas。　Better；　not　bigger。　Tereza　did　not　wish　to　fault　either　Tomas　or　herself；　she　did　not　wish　to　claim　that　they　could　love　each　other　more。　Her　feeling　was　rather　that；　given　the　nature　of　the　human　couple；　the　love　of　man　and　woman　is　a　priori　inferior　to　that　which　can　exist　（at　least　in　the　best　instances）　in　the　love　between　man　and　dog；　that　oddity　of　human　history　probably　unplanned　by　the　Creator。
It　is　a　completely　selfless　love：　Tereza　did　not　want　anything　of　Karenin；　she　did　not　ever　ask　him　to　love　her　back。　Nor　had　she　ever　asked　herself　the　questions　that　plague　human　couples：　Does　he　love　me？　Does　he　love　anyone　more　than　me？　Does　he　love　me　more　than　I　love　him？　Perhaps　all　the　questions　we　ask　of　love；　to　measure；　test；　probe；　and　save　it；　have　the　additional　effect　of　cutting　it　short。　Perhaps　the　reason　we　are　unable　to　love　is　that　we　yearn　to　be　loved；　that　is；　we　demand　something　（love）　from　our　partner　instead　of　delivering　ourselves　up　to　him　demand…free　and　asking　for　nothing　but　his　company。
And　something　else：　Tereza　accepted　Karenin　for　what　he　was；　she　did　not　try　to　make　him　over　in　her　image；　she　agreed　from　the　outset　with　his　dog's　life；　did　not　wish　to　deprive　him　of　it；　did　not　envy　him　his　secret　intrigues。　The　reason　she　trained　him　was　not　to　transform　him　（as　a　husband　tries　to　reform　his　wife　and　a　wife　her　husband）；　but　to　provide　him　with　the　elementary　language　that　enabled　them　to　communicate　and　live　together。
Then　too：　No　one　forced　her　to　love　Karenin；　love　for　dogs　is　voluntary。　（Tereza　was　again　reminded　of　her　mother；　and　regretted　everything　that　had　happened　between　them。　If　her　mother　had　been　one　of　the　anonymous　women　in　the　village；　she　might　well　have　found　her　easygoing　coarseness　agreeable。　Oh；　if　only　her　mother　had　been　a　stranger！　From　childhood　on；　Tereza　had　been　ashamed　of　the　way　her　mother　occupied　the　features　of　her　face　and　confiscated　her　I　。　What　made　it　even　worse　was　that　the　age…old　imperative　Love　your　father　and　mother！　forced　her　to　agree　with　that　occupation；　to　call　the　aggression　love！　It　was　not　her　mother's　fault　that　Tereza　broke　with　her。　Tereza　broke　with　her　not　because　she　was　the　mother　she　was　but　because　she　was　a　mother。）
But　most　of　all：　No　one　can　give　anyone　else　the　gift　of　the　idyll；　only　an　animal　can　do　so；　because　only　animals　were　not　expelled　from　Paradise。　The　love　between　dog　and　man　is　idyllic。　It　knows　no　conflicts；　no　hair…raising　scenes；　it　knows　no　development。　Karenin　surrounded　Tereza　and　Tomas　with　a　life　based　on　repetition；　and　he　expected　the　same　from　them。
If　Karenin　had　been　a　person　instead　of　a　dog；　he　would　surely　have　long　since　said　to　Tereza；　Look；　I'm　sick　and　tired　of　carrying　that　roll　in　my　mouth　every　day。　Can't　you　come　up　with　something　different？　And　therein　lies　the　whole　of　man's　plight。　Human　time　does　not　turn　in　a　circle；　it　runs　ahead　in　a　straight　line。　That　is　why　man　cannot　be　happy：　happiness　is　the　longing　for　repetition。
Yes；　happiness　is　the　longing　for　repetition；　Tereza　said　to　herself。
When　the　chairman　of　the　collective　farm　took　his　Mefisto　out　for　a　walk　after　work　and　met　Tereza；　he　never　failed　to　say；　Why　did　he　come　into　my　life　so　late；　Tereza？　We　could　have　gone　skirt　chasing；　he　and　I！　What　woman　could　resist　these　two　little　pigs？　at　which　point　the　pig　was　trained　to　grunt　and　snort。　Tereza　laughed　each　time；　even　though　she　knew　beforehand　exactly　what　he　would　say。　The　joke　did　not　lose　its　charm；　through　repetition。　On　the　contrary。　In　an　idyllic　setting；　even　humor　is　subject　to　the　sweet　law　of　repetition。
5
Dogs　do　not　have　many　advantages　over　people；　but　one　of　them　is　extremely　important：　euthanasia　is　not　forbidden　by　law　in　their　case；　animals　have　the　right　to　a　merciful　death。　Karenin　walked　on　three　legs　and　spent　more　and　more　of　his　time　lying　in　a　corner。　And　whimpering。　Both　husband　and　wife　agreed　that　they　had　no　business　letting　him　suffer　needlessly。　But　agree　as　they　might　in　principle；　they　still　had　to　face　the　anguish　of　determining　the　time　when　his　suffering　was　in　fact　needless；　the　point　at　which　life　was　no　longer　worth　living。
If　only　Tomas　hadn't　been　a　doctor！　Then　they　would　have　been　able　to　hide　behind　a　third　party。　They　would　have　been　able　to　go　back　to　the　vet　and　ask　him　to　put　the　dog　to　sleep　with　an　injection。
Assuming　the　role　of　Death　is　a　terrifying　thing。　Tomas　insisted　that　he　would　not　give　the　injection　himself；　he　would　have　the　vet　come　and　do　it。　But　then　he　realized　that　he　could　grant　Karenin　a　privilege　forbidden　to　humans：　Death　would　come　for　him　in　the　guise　of　his　loved　ones。
Karenin　had　whimpered　all　night。　After　feeling　his　leg　in　the　morning；　Tomas　said　to　Tereza；　There's　no　point　in　waiting。　
In　a　few　minutes　they　would　both　have　to　go　to　work。　Tereza　went　in　to　see　Karenin。　Until　then；　he　had　lain　in　his　corner　completely　apathetic　（not　even　acknowledging　Tomas　when　he　felt　his　leg）；　but　when　he　heard　the　door　open　and　saw　Tereza　come　in；　he　raised　his　head　and　looked　at　her。
She　could　not　stand　his　stare；　it　almost　frightened　her。　He　did　not　look　that　way　at　Tomas；　only　at　her。　But　never　with　such　intensity。　It　was　not　a　desperate　look；　or　even　sad。　No；　it　was　a　look　of　awful；　unbearable　trust。　The　look　was　an　eager　question。　All　his　life　Karenin　had　waited　for　answers　from　Tereza；　and　he　was　letting　her　know　（with　more　urgency　than　usual；　however）　that　he　was　still　ready　to　learn　the　truth　from　her。　（Everything　that　came　from　Tereza　was　the　truth。　Even　when　she　gave　commands　like　Sit！　or　Lie　down！　he　took　them　as　truths　to　identify　with；　to　give　his　life　meaning。）
His　look　of　awful　trust　did　not　last　long；　he　soon　laid　his　head　back　down　on　his　paws。　Tereza　knew　that　no　one　ever　again　would　look　at　her　like　that。
They　had　never　fed　him　sweets；　but　recently　she　had　bought　him　a　few　chocolate　bars。　She　took　them　out　of　the　foil；　broke　them　into　pieces；　and　made　a　circle　of　them　around　him。　Then　she　brought　over　a　bowl　of　water　to　make　sure　that　he　had　everything　he　needed　for　the　several　hours　he　would　spend　at　home　alone。　The　look　he　had　given　her　just　then　seemed　to　have　tired　him　out。　Even　surrounded　by　chocolate；　he　did　not　raise　his　head。
She　lay　down　on　the　floor　next　to　him　and　hugged　him。　With　a　slow　and　labored　turn　of　the　head；　he　sniffed　her　and　gave　her　a　lick　or　two。　She　closed　her　eyes　while　the　licking　went　on；　as　if　she　wanted　to　remember　it　forever。　She　held　out　the　other　cheek　to　be　licked。
Then　she　had　to　go　and　take　care　of　her　heifers。　She　did　not　return　until　just　before　lunch。　Tomas　had　not　come　home　yet。　Karenin　was　still　lying　on　the　floor　surrounded　by　the　chocolate；　and　did　not　even　lift　his　head　when　he　heard　her　come　in。　His　bad　leg　was　swollen　now；　and　the　tumor　had　burst　in　another　place。　She　noticed　some　light　red　（not　blood…like；）　drops　forming　beneath　his　fur。
Again　she　lay　down　next　to　him　on　the　floor。　She　stretched　one　arm　across　his　body　and　closed　her　eyes。　Then　she　heard　someone　banging　on　the　door。　Doctor！　Doctor！　The　pig　is　here！　The　pig　and　his　master！　She　lacked　the　strength　to　talk　to　anyone；　and　did　not　move；　did　not　open　her　eyes。　Doctor！　Doctor！　The　pigs　have　come！　Then　silence。
Tomas　did　not　get　back　for　another　half　hour。　He　went　straight　to　the　kitchen　and　prepared　the　injection　without　a　word。　When　he　entered　the　room；　Tereza　was　on　her　fe