resurrection(复活)-第19章

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Sophia　Vasilievna　kept　glancing　uneasily　at　the　window；　through
which　a　slanting　ray　of　sunshine；　which　might　vividly　light　up
her　aged　face；　was　beginning　to　creep　up。

〃How　true；〃　she　said　in　reference　to　some　remark　of　Kolosoff's；
touching　the　button　of　an　electric　bell　by　the　side　of　her　couch。
The　doctor　rose；　and；　like　one　who　is　at　home；　left　the　room
without　saying　anything。　Sophia　Vasilievna　followed　him　with　her
eyes　and　continued　the　conversation。

〃Please；　Philip；　draw　these　curtains；〃　she　said；　pointing　to　the
window；　when　the　handsome　footman　came　in　answer　to　the　bell。
〃No；　whatever　you　may　say；　there　is　some　mysticism　in　him；
without　mysticism　there　can　be　no　poetry；〃　she　said；　with　one　of
her　black　eyes　angrily　following　the　footman's　movements　as　he
was　drawing　the　curtains。　〃Without　poetry；　mysticism　is
superstition；　without　mysticism；　poetry　isprose；〃　she
continued；　with　a　sorrowful　smile；　still　not　losing　sight　of　the
footman　and　the　curtains。　〃Philip；　not　that　curtain；　the　one　on
the　large　window；〃　she　exclaimed；　in　a　suffering　tone。　Sophia
Vasilievna　was　evidently　pitying　herself　for　having　to　make　the
effort　of　saying　these　words；　and；　to　soothe　her　feelings；　she
raised　to　her　lips　a　scented；　smoking　cigarette　with　her　jewel…
bedecked　fingers。

The　broad…chested；　muscular；　handsome　Philip　bowed　slightly；　as
if　begging　pardon；　and　stepping　lightly　across　the　carpet　with
his　broad…calved；　strong；　legs；　obediently　and　silently　went　to
the　other　window；　and；　looking　at　the　princess；　carefully　began
to　arrange　the　curtain　so　that　not　a　single　ray　dared　fall　on
her。　But　again　he　did　not　satisfy　her；　and　again　she　had　to
interrupt　the　conversation　about　mysticism；　and　correct　in　a
martyred　tone　the　unintelligent　Philip；　who　was　tormenting　her　so
pitilessly。　For　a　moment　a　light　flashed　in　Philip's　eyes。

〃'The　devil　take　you！　What　do　you　want？'　was　probably　what　he
said　to　himself；〃　thought　Nekhludoff；　who　had　been　observing　all
this　scene。　But　the　strong；　handsome　Philip　at　once　managed　to
conceal　the　signs　of　his　impatience；　and　went　on　quietly　carrying
out　the　orders　of　the　worn；　weak；　false　Sophia　Vasilievna。

〃Of　course；　there　is　a　good　deal　of　truth　in　Lombroso's
teaching；〃　said　Kolosoff；　lolling　back　in　the　low　chair　and
looking　at　Sophia　Vasilievna　with　sleepy　eyes；　〃but　he
over…stepped　the　mark。　Oh；　yes。〃

〃And　you？　Do　you　believe　in　heredity？〃　asked　Sophia　Vasilievna；
turning　to　Nekhludoff；　whose　silence　annoyed　her。　〃In　heredity？〃
he　asked。　〃No；　I　don't。〃　At　this　moment　his　whole　mind　was　taken
up　by　strange　images　that　in　some　unaccountable　way　rose　up　in
his　imagination。　By　the　side　of　this　strong　and　handsome　Philip
he　seemed　at　this　minute　to　see　the　nude　figure　of　Kolosoff　as　an
artist's　model；　with　his　stomach　like　a　melon；　his　bald　head；　and
his　arms　without　muscle；　like　pestles。　In　the　same　dim　way　the
limbs　of　Sophia　Vasilievna；　now　covered　with　silks　and　velvets；
rose　up　in　his　mind　as　they　must　be　in　reality；　but　this　mental
picture　was　too　horrid　and　he　tried　to　drive　it　away。

〃Well；　you　know　Missy　is　waiting　for　you；〃　she　said。　〃Go　and　find
her。　She　wants　to　play　a　new　piece　by　Grieg　to　you；　it　is　most
interesting。〃

〃She　did　not　mean　to　play　anything；　the　woman　is　simply　lying；
for　some　reason　or　other；〃　thought　Nekhludoff；　rising　and
pressing　Sophia　Vasilievna's　transparent　and　bony；　ringed　hand。

Katerina　Alexeevna　met　him　in　the　drawing…room；　and　at　once
began；　in　French；　as　usual：

〃I　see　the　duties　of　a　juryman　act　depressingly　upon　you。〃

〃Yes；　pardon　me；　I　am　in　low　spirits　to…day；　and　have　no　right　to
weary　others　by　my　presence；〃　said　Nekhludoff。

〃Why　are　you　in　low　spirits？〃

〃Allow　me　not　to　speak　about　that；〃　he　said；　looking　round　for
his　hat。

〃Don't　you　remember　how　you　used　to　say　that　we　must　always　tell
the　truth？　And　what　cruel　truths　you　used　to　tell　us　all！　Why　do
you　not　wish　to　speak　out　now？　Don't　you　remember；　Missy？〃　she
said；　turning　to　Missy；　who　had　just　come　in。

〃We　were　playing　a　game　then；〃　said　Nekhludoff；　seriously；　〃one
may　tell　the　truth　in　a　game；　but　in　reality　we　are　so　badI
mean　I　am　so　badthat　I；　at　least；　cannot　tell　the　truth。〃

〃Oh；　do　not　correct　yourself；　but　rather　tell　us　why　WE　are　so
bad；〃　said　Katerina　Alexeevna；　playing　with　her　words　and
pretending　not　to　notice　how　serious　Nekhludoff　was。

〃Nothing　is　worse　than　to　confess　to　being　in　low　spirits；〃　said
Missy。　〃I　never　do　it；　and　therefore　am　always　in　good　spirits。〃

Nekhludoff　felt　as　a　horse　must　feel　when　it　is　being　caressed　to
make　it　submit　to　having　the　bit　put　in　its　mouth　and　be
harnessed；　and　to…day　he　felt　less　than　ever　inclined　to　draw。

〃Well；　are　you　coming　into　my　room？　We　will　try　to　cheer　you　up。〃

He　excused　himself；　saying　he　had　to　be　at　home；　and　began　taking
leave。　Missy　kept　his　hand　longer　than　usual。

〃Remember　that　what　is　important　to　you　is　important　to　your
friends；〃　she　said。　〃Are　you　coming　tomorrow？〃

〃I　hardly　expect　to；〃　said　Nekhludoff；　and　feeling　ashamed；
without　knowing　whether　for　her　or　for　himself；　he　blushed　and
went　away。

〃What　is　it？　Comme　cela　m'intrigue；〃　said　Katerina　Alexeevna。　〃I
must　find　it　out。　I　suppose　it　is　some　affaire　d'amour　propre；　il
est　tres　susceptible；　notre　cher　Mitia。〃

〃Plutot　une　affaire　d'amour　sale；〃　Missy　was　going　to　say；　but
stopped　and　looked　down　with　a　face　from　which　all　the　light　had
gonea　very　different　face　from　the　one　with　which　she　had
looked　at　him。　She　would　not　mention　to　Katerina　Alexeevna　even；
so　vulgar　a　pun；　but　only　said；　〃We　all　have　our　good　and　our　bad
days。〃

〃Is　it　possible　that　he；　too；　will　deceive？〃　she　thought；　〃after
all　that　has　happened　it　would　be　very　bad　of　him。〃

If　Missy　had　had　to　explain　what　she　meant　by　〃after　all　that　has
happened；〃　she　could　have　said　nothing　definite；　and　yet　she　knew
that　he　had　not　only　excited　her　hopes　but　had　almost　given　her　a
promise。　No　definite　words　had　passed　between　themonly　looks
and　smiles　and　hints；　and　yet　she　considered　him　as　her　own；　and
to　lose　him　would　be　very　hard。


CHAPTER　XXVIII。

THE　AWAKENING。

〃Shameful　and　stupid；　horrid　and　shameful！〃　Nekhludoff　kept
saying　to　himself；　as　he　walked　home　along　the　familiar　streets。
The　depression　he　had　felt　whilst　speaking　to　Missy　would　not
leave　him。　He　felt　that；　looking　at　it　externally；　as　it　were；　he
was　in　the　right；　for　he　had　never　said　anything　to　her　that
could　be　considered　binding；　never　made　her　an　offer；　but　he　knew
that　in　reality　he　had　bound　himself　to　her；　had　promised　to　be
hers。　And　yet　to…day　he　felt　with　his　whole　being　that　he　could
not　marry　her。

〃Shameful　and　horrid；　horrid　and　shameful！〃　he　repeated　to
himself；　with　reference　not　only　to　his　relations　with　Missy　but
also　to　the　rest。　〃Everything　is　horrid　and　shameful；〃　he
muttered；　as　he　stepped　into　the　porch　of　his　house。　〃I　am　not
going　to　have　any　supper；〃　he　said　to　his　manservant　Corney；　who
followed　him　into　the　dining…room；　where　the　cloth　was　laid　for
supper　and　tea。　〃You　may　go。〃

〃Yes；　sir；〃　said　Corney；　yet　he　did　not　go；　but　began　clearing
the　supper　off　the　table。　Nekhludoff　looked　at　Corney　with　a
feeling　of　ill…will。　He　wished　to　be　left　alone；　and　it　seemed　to
him　that　everybody　was　bothering　him　in　order　to　spite　him。　When
Corney　had　gone　away　with　the　supper　things；　Nekhludoff　moved　to
the　tea　urn　and　was　about　to　make　himself　some　tea；　but　hearing
Agraphena　Petrovna's　footsteps；　he　went　hurriedly　into　the
drawing…room；　to　avoid　being　seen　by　her；　and　shut　the　door　after
him。　In　this　drawing…room　his　mother　had　died　three　months
before。　On　entering　the　room；　in　which　two　lamps　with　reflectors
were　burning；　one　lighting　up　his　father's　and　the　other　his
mother's　portrait；　he　remembered　what　his　last　relations　with　his
mother　had　been。　And　they　also　seemed　shameful　and　horrid。　He
remembered　how；　during　the　latter　period　of　her　illness；　he　had
simply　wished　her　to　die。　He　had　said　to　himself　that　he　wished
it　for　her　sake；　that　she　might　be　released　from　her　suffering；
but　in　reality　he　wished　to　be　released　from　the　sight　of　her
sufferings　for　his　own　sake。

Trying　to　recall　a　pleasant　image　of　her；　he　went　up　to　look　at
her　portrait；　painted　by　a　celebrated　artist　for　800　roubles。　She
was　depicted　in　a　very　low…necked　black　velvet　dress。　There　was
something　very　revolting　and　blasphemous　in　this　representation
of　his　mother　as　a　half…nude　beauty。　It　was　all　the　more
disgusting　because　three　months　ago；　in　this　very　room；　lay　this
same　woman；　dried　up　to　a　mummy。　And　he　remembered　how　a　few　days
before　her　death　she　clasped　his　hand　with　her　bony；　discoloured
fingers；　looked　into　his　eyes；　and　said：　〃Do　not　judge　me；　Mitia；
if　I　have　not　done　what　I　should；〃　and　how　the　tears　came　into
her　eyes；　grown　pale　with　suffering。

〃Ah；　how　horrid！〃　he　said　to　himself；　looking　up　once　more　at　the
half…naked　woman；　with　the　splendid　marble　shoulders　and　arms；
and　the　triumphant　smile　on　her　lips。　〃Oh；　how　horrid！〃　The　bared
shoulders　of　the　portrait　reminded　him　of　another；　a　young　woman；
whom　he　had　seen　exposed　in　the　same　way　a　few　days　before。　It
was　Missy；　who　had　devised　an　excuse　for　calling　him　into　her
room　just　as　she　was　ready　to　go　to　a　ball；　so　that　he　should　see
her　in　her　ball　dress。　It　was　with　disgust　that　he　remembered　her
fine　shoulders　and　arms。　〃And　that　father　of　hers；　with　his
doubtful　past　and　his　cruelties；　and　the　bel…esprit　her　mother；
with　her　doubtful　reputation。〃　All　this　disgusted　him；　and　also
made　him　feel　ashamed。　〃Shameful　and　horrid；　horrid　and　shameful！
〃

〃No；　no；〃　he　thought；　〃freedom　from　all　these　false　relations
with　the　Korchagins　and　Mary　Vasilievna　and　the　inheritance　and
from　all　the　rest　must　be　got。　Oh；　to　breathe　freely；　to　go
abroad；　to　Rome　and　work　at　my　picture！　He　remembered　the　doubts
he　had　about　his　talent　for　art。　〃Well；　never　mind；　only　just　to
breathe　freely。　First　Constantinople；　then　Rome。　Only　just　to　get
through　with　this　jury　business；　and　arrange　with　the　advocate
first。〃

Then　suddenly　there　arose　in　his　mind　an　extremely　vivid　picture
of　a　prisoner　with　black；　slightly…squinting　eyes；　and　how　she
began　to　cry　when　the　last　words　of　the　prisoners　had　been　heard；
and　he　hurriedly　put　out　his　cigarette；　pressing　it　into　the
ash…pan；　lit　another；　and　began　pacing　up　and　down　the　room。　One
after　another　the　scenes　he　had　lived　through　with　her　rose　in
his　mind。　He　recalled　that　last　interview　with　her。　He　remembered
the　white　dress　and　blue　sash；　the　early　mass。　〃Why；　I　loved　her；
really　loved　her　with　a　good；　pure　love；　that　night；　I　loved　her
even　before：　yes；　I　loved　her　when　I　lived　with　my　aunts　the
first　time　and　was　writing　my　composition。〃　And　he　remembered
himself　as　he　had　been　then。　A　breath　of　that　freshness；　youth
and　fulness　of　life　seemed　to　touch　him；　and　he　grew　painfully
sad。　The　difference　between　what　he　had　been　then　and　what　he　was
now；　was　enormousjust　as　great；　if　not　greater　than　the
difference　between　Katusha　in　church　that　night；　and　the
prostitute　who　had　been　carousing　with　the　merchant　and　whom　they
judge