memoirs of carwin the biloquist-第11章

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In　search　of　some　clue　to　this　mystery；　I　carefully　inspected　the　other　maps　in　this　collection。　　In　a　map　of　the　eastern　hemisphere　I　soon　observed　the　outlines　of　islands；　which；　though　on　a　scale　greatly　diminished；　were　plainly　similar　to　that　of　the　land　above　described。

It　is　well　known　that　the　people　of　Europe　are　strangers　to　very　nearly　one　half　of　the　surface　of　the　globe。*　From　the　south　pole　up　to　the　equator；　it　is　only　the　small　space　occupied　by　southern　Africa　and　by　South　America　with　which　we　are　acquainted。　There　is　a　vast　extent；　sufficient　to　receive　a　continent　as　large　as　North　America；　which　our　ignorance　has　filled　only　with　water。　In　Ludlow's　maps　nothing　was　still　to　be　seen；　in　these　regions；　but　water；　except　in　that　spot　where　the　transverse　parallels　of　the　southern　tropic　and　the　150th　degree　east　longitude　intersect　each　other。　　On　this　spot　were　Ludlow's　islands　placed；　though　without　any　name　or　inscription　whatever。

I　needed　not　to　be　told　that　this　spot　had　never　been　explored　by　any　European　voyager；　who　had　published　his　adventures。　　What　authority　had　Ludlow　for　fixing　a　habitable　land　in　this　spot？　　and　why　did　he　give　us　nothing　but　the　courses　of　shores　and　rivers；　and　the　scite　of　towns　and　villages；　without　a　name？

As　soon　as　Ludlow　had　set　out　upon　his　proposed　journey　of　a　fortnight；　I　unlocked　his　closet；　and　continued　rummaging　among　these　books　and　maps　till　night。　　By　that　time　I　had　turned　over　every　book　and　almost　every　leaf　in　this　small　collection；　and　did　not　open　the　closet　again　till　near　the　end　of　that　period。　Meanwhile　I　had　many　reflections　upon　this　remarkable　circumstance。　Could　Ludlow　have　intended　that　I　should　see　this　atlas？　　It　was　the　only　book　that　could　be　styled　a　manuscript　on　these　shelves；　and　it　was　placed　beneath　several　others；　in　a　situation　far　from　being　obvious　and　forward　to　the　eye　or　the　hand。　　Was　it　an　oversight　in　him　to　leave　it　in　my　way；　or　could　he　have　intended　to　lead　my　curiosity　and　knowledge　a　little　farther　onward　by　this　accidental　disclosure？　　In　either　case　how　was　I　to　regulate　my　future　deportment　toward　him？　　Was　I　to　speak　and　act　as　if　this　atlas　had　escaped　my　attention　or　not？　　I　had　already；　after　my　first　examination　of　it；　placed　the　volume　exactly　where　I　found　it。　　On　every　supposition　I　thought　this　was　the　safest　way；　and　unlocked　the　closet　a　second　time；　to　see　that　all　was　precisely　in　the　original　order。　。　。　。　。　　How　was　I　dismayed　and　confounded　on　inspecting　the　shelves　to　perceive　that　the　atlas　was　gone。　　This　was　a　theft；　which；　from　the　closet　being　under　lock　and　key；　and　the　key　always　in　my　own　pocket；　and　which；　from　the　very　nature　of　the　thing　stolen；　could　not　be　imputed　to　any　of　the　domestics。　After　a　few　moments　a　suspicion　occurred；　which　was　soon　changed　intO　certainty　by　applying　to　the　housekeeper；　who　told　me　that　Ludlow　had　returned；　apparently　in　much　haste；　the　evening　of　the　day　on　which　he　had　set　out　upon　his　journey；　and　just　after　I　had　left　the　house；　that　he　had　gone　into　the　room　where　this　closet　of　books　was；　and；　after　a　few　minutes'　stay；　came　out　again　and　went　away。　　She　told　me　also；　that　he　had　made　general　enquiries　after　me；　to　which　she　had　answered；　that　she　had　not　seen　me　during　the　day；　and　supposed　that　I　had　spent　the　whole　of　it　abroad。　　From　this　account　it　was　plain；　that　Ludlow　had　returned　for　no　other　purpose　but　to　remove　this　book　out　of　my　reach。　　But　if　he　had　a　double　key　to　this　door；　what　should　hinder　his　having　access；　by　the　same　means；　to　every　other　locked　up　place　in　the　house？

This　suggestion　made　me　start　with　terror。　　Of　so　obvious　a　means　for　possessing　a　knowledge　of　every　thing　under　his　roof；　I　had　never　been　till　this　moment　aware。　　Such　is　the　infatuation　which　lays　our　most　secret　thoughts　open　to　the　world's　scrutiny。　We　are　frequently　in　most　danger　when　we　deem　ourselves　most　safe；　and　our　fortress　is　taken　sometimes　through　a　point；　whose　weakness　nothing；　it　should　seem；　but　the　blindest　stupidity　could　overlook。

My　terrors；　indeed；　quickly　subsided　when　I　came　to　recollect　that　there　was　nothing　in　any　closet　or　cabinet　of　mine　which　could　possibly　throw　light　upon　subjects　which　I　desired　to　keep　in　the　dark。　　The　more　carefully　I　inspected　my　own　drawers；　and　the　more　I　reflected　on　the　character　of　Ludlow；　as　I　had　known　it；　the　less　reason　did　there　appear　in　my　suspicions；　but　I　drew　a　lesson　of　caution　from　this　circumstance；　which　contributed　to　my　future　safety。

From　this　incident　I　could　not　but　infer　Ludlow's　unwillingness　to　let　me　so　far　into　his　geographical　secret；　as　well　as　the　certainty　of　that　suspicion；　which　had　very　early　been　suggested　to　my　thoughts；　that　Ludlow's　plans　of　civilization　had　been　carried　into　practice　in　some　unvisited　corner　of　the　world。　It　was　strange；　however；　that　he　should　betray　himself　by　such　an　inadvertency。　　One　who　talked　so　confidently　of　his　own　powers；　to　unveil　any　secret　of　mine；　and；　at　the　same　time；　to　conceal　his　own　transactions；　had　surely　committed　an　unpardonable　error　in　leaving　this　important　document　in　my　way。　　My　reverence；　indeed；　for　Ludlow　was　such；　that　I　sometimes　entertained　the　notion　that　this　seeming　oversight　was；　in　truth；　a　regular　contrivance　to　supply　me　with　a　knowledge；　of　which；　when　I　came　maturely　to　reflect；　it　was　impossible　for　me　to　make　any　ill　use。　　There　is　no　use　in　relating　what　would　not　be　believed；　and　should　I　publish　to　the　world　the　existence　of　islands　in　the　space　allotted　by　Ludlow's　maps　to　these　~incognitae~；　what　would　the　world　answer？　That　whether　the　space　described　was　sea　or　land　was　of　no　importance。　　That　the　moral　and　political　condition　of　its　inhabitants　was　the　only　topic　worthy　of　rational　curiosity。　　Since　I　had　gained　no　information　upon　this　point；　since　I　had　nothing　to　disclose　but　vain　and　fantastic　surmises；　I　might　as　well　be　ignorant　of　every　thing。　　Thus；　from　secretly　condemning　Ludlow's　imprudence；　I　gradually　passed　to　admiration　of　his　policy。　　This　discovery　had　no　other　effect　than　to　stimulate　my　curiosity；　to　keep　up　my　zeal　to　prosecute　the　journey　I　had　commenced　under　his　auspices。

I　had　hitherto　formed　a　resolution　to　stop　where　I　was　in　Ludlow's　confidence：　　to　wait　till　the　success　should　be　ascertained　of　my　projects　with　respect　to　Mrs。　Benington；　before　I　made　any　new　advance　in　the　perilous　and　mysterious　road　into　which　he　had　led　my　steps。　　But；　before　this　tedious　fortnight　had　elapsed；　I　was　grown　extremely　impatient　for　an　interview；　and　had　nearly　resolved　to　undertake　whatever　obligation　he　should　lay　upon　me。

This　obligation　was　indeed　a　heavy　one；　since　it　included　the　confession　of　my　vocal　powers。　　In　itself　the　confession　was　little。　　To　possess　this　faculty　was　neither　laudable　nor　culpable；　nor　had　it　been　exercised　in　a　way　which　I　should　be　very　much　ashamed　to　acknowledge。　　It　had　led　me　into　many　insincerities　and　artifices；　which；　though　not　justifiable　by　any　creed；　was　entitled　to　some　excuse；　on　the　score　of　youthful　ardour　and　temerity。　　The　true　difficulty　in　the　way　of　these　confessions　was　the　not　having　made　them　already。　　Ludlow　had　long　been　entitled　to　this　confidence；　and；　though　the　existence　of　this　power　was　venial　or　wholly　innocent；　the　obstinate　concealment　of　it　was　a　different　matter；　and　would　certainly　expose　me　to　suspicion　and　rebuke。　　But　what　was　the　alternative？　　To　conceal　it。　　To　incur　those　dreadful　punishments　awarded　against　treason　in　this　particular。　　Ludlow's　menaces　still　rung　in　my　ears；　and　appalled　my　heart。　　How　should　I　be　able　to　shun　them？　　By　concealing　from　every　one　what　I　concealed　from　him？　　How　was　my　concealment　of　such　a　faculty　to　be　suspected　or　proved？　　Unless　I　betrayed　myself；　who　could　betray　me？

In　this　state　of　mind；　I　resolved　to　confess　myself　to　Ludlow　in　the　way　that　he　required；　reserving　only　the　secret　of　this　faculty。　　Awful；　indeed；　said　I；　is　the　crisis　of　my　fate。　　If　Ludlow's　declarations　are　true；　a　horrid　catastrophe　awaits　me：　but　as　fast　as　my　resolutions　were　shaken；　they　were　confirmed　anew　by　the　recollectionWho　can　betray　me　but　myself？　　If　I　deny；　who　is　there　can　prove？　　Suspicion　can　never　light　upon　the　truth。　　If　it　does；　it　can　never　be　converted　into　certainty。　　Even　my　own　lips　cannot　confirm　it；　since　who　will　believe　my　testimony？

By　such　illusions　was　I　fortified　in　my　desperate　resolution。　Ludlow　returned　at　the　time　appointed。　　He　informed　me　that　Mrs。　Benington　expected　me　next　morning。　　She　was　ready　to　depart　for　her　country　residence；　where　she　proposed　to　spend　the　ensuing　summer；　and　would　carry　me　along　with　her。　　In　consequence　of　this　arrangement；　he　said；　many　months　would　elapse　before　he　should　see　me　again。　　You　will　indeed；　continued　he；　be　pretty　much　shut　up　from　all　society。　　Your　books　and　your　new　friend　will　be　your　chief；　if　not　only　companions。　　Her　life　is　not　a　social　one；　because　she　has　formed　extravagant　notions　of　the　importance　of　lonely　worship　and　devout　solitude。　　Much　of　her　time　will　be　spent　in　meditation　upon　pious　books　in　her　closet。　　Some　of　it　in　long　solitary　rides　in　her　coach；　for　the　sake　of　exercise。　　Little　will　remain　for　eating　and　sleeping；　so　that　unless　you　can　prevail　upon　her　to　violate　her　ordinary　rules　for　your　sake；　you　will　be　left　pretty　much　to　yourself。　　You　will　have　the　more　time　to　reflect　upon　what　has　hitherto　been　the　theme　of　our　conversations。　　You　can　come　to　town　when　you　want　to　see　me。　　I　shall　generally　be　found　in　these　apartments。

In　the　present　state　of　my　mind；　though　impatient　to　see　Mrs。　Benington；　I　was　still　more　impatient　to　remove　the　veil　between　Ludlow　and　myself。　　After　some　pause；　I　ventured　to　enquire　if　there　was　any　impediment　to　my　advancement　in　the　road　he　had　already　pointed　out　to　my　curiosity　and　ambition。

He　replied；　with　great　solemnity；　that　I　was　already　acquainted　with　the　next　step　to　be　taken　in　this　road。　　If　I　was　prepared　to　make　him　my　confessor；　as　to　the　past；　the　present；　and　the　future；　~~without　exception　or　condition~~；　but　what　arose　from　defect　of　memory；　he　was　willing　to　receive　my　confession。

I　declared　myself　ready　to　do　so。

I　need　not；　he　returned；　remind　you　of　the　consequences　of　concealment　or　deceit。　　I　have　already　dwelt　upon　these　consequences。　　As　to　the　past；　you　have　already　told　me；　perhaps；　all　that　is　of　any　moment　to　know。　　It　is　in　relation　to　the　future　that　caution　will　be　chiefly　necessary。　　Hitherto　your　actions　have　been　nearly　indifferent　to　the　ends　of　your　future　existence。　Confessions　of　the　past　are　required；　because　they　are　an　earnest　of　the　future　character　and　conduct。　　Have　you　thenbut　this　is　too　abrupt。　　Take　an　hour　to　reflect　and　deliberate。　　Go　by　yourself；　take　yourself　to　severe　task；　and　make　up　your　mind　with　a　full；　entire；　and　unfailing　resolution；　for　the　moment　in　which　you　assume　this　new　obligation　will　make　you　a　new　being。　Perdition　or　felicity　will　hang　upon　that　moment。

This　conversation　was　late　in　the　evening。　　After　I　had　consented　to　postpone　this　subject；　we　parted；　he　telling　me　that　he　would　leave　his　chamber　door　open；　and　as　soon　as　my　mind　was　made　up　I　might　come　to　h