curious republic of gondour-第3章

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3。　　I　have　chosen　the　general　title　of　MEMORANDA　for　this　department
because　it　is　plain　and　simple；　and　makes　no　fraudulent　promises。　　I　can
print　under　it　statistics；　hotel　arrivals；　or　anything　that　comes　handy；
without　violating　faith　with　the　reader。

4。　　Puns　cannot　be　allowed　a　place　in　this　department。　　Inoffensive
ignorance；　benignant　stupidity；　and　unostentatious　imbecility　will　always
be　welcomed　and　cheerfully　accorded　a　corner；　and　even　the　feeblest
humour　will　be　admitted；　when　we　can　do　no　better；　but　no　circumstances；
however　dismal；　will　ever　be　considered　a　sufficient　excuse　for　the
admission　of　that　lastand　saddest　evidence　of　intellectual　poverty；　the
Pun。






ABOUT　SMELLS

In　a　recent　issue　of　the　〃Independent；〃　the　Rev。　T。　De　Witt　Talmage；　of
Brooklyn；　has　the　following　utterance　on　the　subject　of　〃Smells〃：

　　　　　I　have　a　good　Christian　friend　who；　if　he　sat　in　the　front　pew　in
　　　　　church；　and　a　working　man　should　enter　the　door　at　the　other　end；
　　　　　would　smell　him　instantly。　　My　friend　is　not　to　blame　for　the
　　　　　sensitiveness　of　his　nose；　any　more　than　you　would　flog　a　pointer
　　　　　for　being　keener　on　the　scent　than　a　stupid　watch　dog。　　The　fact　is；
　　　　　if　you；　had　all　the　churches　free；　by　reason　of　the　mixing　up　of　the
　　　　　common　people　with　the　uncommon；　you　would　keep　one…half　of
　　　　　Christendom　sick　at　their　stomach。　　If　you　are　going　to　kill　the
　　　　　church　thus　with　bad　smells；　I　will　have　nothing　to　do　with　this
　　　　　work　of　evangelization。

We　have　reason　to　believe　that　there　will　be　labouring　men　in　heaven；　and
also　a　number　of　negroes；　and　Esquimaux；　and　Terra　del　Fuegans；　and
Arabs；　and　a　few　Indians；　and　possibly　even　some　Spaniards　and
Portuguese。　　All　things　are　possible　with　God。　　We　shall　have　all　these
sorts　of　people　in　heaven；　but；　alas！　in　getting　them　we　shall　lose　the
society　of　Dr。　Talmage。　　Which　is　to　say；　we　shall　lose　the　company　of
one　who　could　give　more　real　〃tone〃　to　celestial　society　than　any　other
contribution　Brooklyn　could　furnish。　　And　what　would　eternal　happiness　be
without　the　Doctor？　　Blissful；　unquestionablywe　know　that　well　enough
but　would　it　be　'distingue；'　would　it　be　'recherche'　without　him？　　St。
Matthew　without　stockings　or　sandals；　St。　Jerome　bare　headed；　and　with　a
coarse　brown　blanket　robe　dragging　the　ground；　St。　Sebastian　with
scarcely　any　raiment　at　allthese　we　should　see；　and　should　enjoy　seeing
them；　but　would　we　not　miss　a　spike…tailed　coat　and　kids；　and　turn　away
regretfully；　and　say　to　parties　from　the　Orient：　〃These　are　well　enough；
but　you　ought　to　see　Talmage　of　Brooklyn。〃　　I　fear　me　that　in　the　better
world　we　shall　not　even　have　Dr。　Talmage's　〃good　Christian　friend。〃

For　if　he　were　sitting　under　the　glory　of　the　Throne；　and　the　keeper　of
the　keys　admitted　a　Benjamin　Franklin　or　other　labouring　man；　that
〃friend；〃　with　his　fine　natural　powers　infinitely　augmented　by
emancipation　from　hampering　flesh；　would　detect　him　with　a　single　sniff；
and　immediately　take　his　hat　and　ask　to　be　excused。

To　all　outward　seeming；　the　Rev。　T。　De　Witt　Talmage　is　of　the　same
material　as　that　used　in　the　construction　of　his　early　predecessors　in
the　ministry；　and　yet　one　feels　that　there　must　be　a　difference　somewhere
between　him　and　the　Saviour's　first　disciples。　　It　may　be　because　here；
in　the　nineteenth　century；　Dr。　T。　　has　had　advantages　which　Paul　and
Peter　and　the　others　could　not　and　did　not　have。　　There　was　a　lack　of
polish　about　them；　and　a　looseness　of　etiquette；　and　a　want　of
exclusiveness；　which　one　cannot　help　noticing。　　They　healed　the　very
beggars；　and　held　intercourse　with　people　of　a　villainous　odour　every
day。　　If　the　subject　of　these　remarks　had　been　chosen　among　the　original
Twelve　Apostles；　he　would　not　have　associated　with　the　rest；　because　he
could　not　have　stood　the　fishy　smell　of　some　of　his　comrades　who　came
from　around　the　Sea　of　Galilee。　　He　would　have　resigned　his　commission
with　some　such　remark　as　he　makes　in　the　extract　quoted　above：　〃Master；
if　thou　art　going　to　kill　the　church　thus　with　bad　smells；　I　will　have
nothing　to　do　with　this　work　of　evangelization。〃　　He　is　a　disciple；　and
makes　that　remark　to　the　Master；　the　only　difference　is；　that　he　makes　it
in　the　nineteenth　instead　of　the　first　century。

Is　there　a　choir　in　Mr。　T。's　church？　　And　does　it　ever　occur　that　they
have　no　better　manners　than　to　sing　that　hymn　which　is　so　suggestive　of
labourers　and　mechanics：

　　　　　　　　　　〃Son　of　the　Carpenter！　receive
　　　　　　　　　　This　humble　work　of　mine？〃

Now；　can　it　be　possible　that　in　a　handful　of　centuries　the　Christian
character　has　fallen　away　from　an　imposing　heroism　that　scorned　even　the
stake；　the　cross；　and　the　axe；　to　a　poor　little　effeminacy　that　withers
and　wilts　under　an　unsavoury　smell？　　We　are　not　prepared　to　believe　so；
the　reverend　Doctor　and　his　friend　to　the　contrary　notwithstanding。






A　COUPLE　OF　SAD　EXPERIENCES

When　I　published　a　squib　recently　in　which　I　said　I　was　going　to　edit　an
Agricultural　Department　in　this　magazine；　I　certainly　did　not　desire　to
deceive　anybody。　　I　had　not　the　remotest　desire　to　play　upon　any　one's
confidence　with　a　practical　joke；　for　he　is　a　pitiful　creature　indeed　who
will　degrade　the　dignity　of　his　humanity　to　the　contriving　of　the　witless
inventions　that　go　by　that　name。　　I　purposely　wrote　the　thing　as　absurdly
and　as　extravagantly　as　it　could　be　written；　in　order　to　be　sure　and　not
mislead　hurried　or　heedless　readers：　for　I　spoke　of　launching　a　triumphal
barge　upon　a　desert；　and　planting　a　tree　of　prosperity　in　a　minea　tree
whose　fragrance　should　slake　the　thirst　of　the　naked；　and　whose　branches
should　spread　abroad　till　they　washed　the　chorea　of；　etc。；　etc。　　I
thought　that　manifest　lunacy　like　that　would　protect　the　reader。　　But　to
make　assurance　absolute；　and　show　that　I　did　not　and　could　not　seriously
mean　to　attempt　an　Agricultural　Department；　I　stated　distinctly　in　my
postscript　that　I　did　not　know　anything　about　Agriculture。　　But　alas！
right　there　is　where　I　made　my　worst　mistakefor　that　remark　seems　to
have　recommended　my　proposed　Agriculture　more　than　anything　else。　　It
lets　a　little　light　in　on　me；　and　I　fancy　I　perceive　that　the　farmers
feel　a　little　bored；　sometimes；　by　the　oracular　profundity　of
agricultural　editors　who　〃know　it　all。〃　　In　fact；　one　of　my
correspondents　suggests　this　（for　that　unhappy　squib　has　deluged　me　with
letters　about　potatoes；　and　cabbages；　and　hominy；　and　vermicelli；　and
maccaroni；　and　all　the　other　fruits；　cereals；　and　vegetables　that　ever
grew　on　earth；　and　if　I　get　done　answering　questions　about　the　best　way
of　raising　these　things　before　I　go　raving　crazy；　I　shall　be　thankful；
and　shall　never　write　obscurely　for　fun　any　more）。

Shall　I　tell　the　real　reason　why　I　have　unintentionally　succeeded　in
fooling　so　many　people？　　It　is　because　some　of　them　only　read　a　little　of
the　squib　I　wrote　and　jumped　to　the　conclusion　that　it　was　serious；　and
the　rest　did　not　read　it　at　all；　but　heard　of　my　agricultural　venture　at
second…hand。　　Those　cases　I　could　not　guard　against；　of　course。　　To　write
a　burlesque　so　wild　that　its　pretended　facts　will　not　be　accepted　in
perfect　good　faith　by　somebody；　is；　very　nearly　an　impossible　thing　to
do。　　It　is　because；　in　some　instances；　the　reader　is　a　person　who　never
tries　to　deceive　anybody　himself；　and　therefore　is　not　expecting　any　one
to　wantonly　practise　a　deception　upon　him；　and　in　this　case　the　only
person　dishonoured　is　the　man　who　wrote　the　burlesque。　　In　other
instances　the　〃nub〃　or　moral　of　the　burlesqueif　its　object　be　to
enforce　a　truthescapes　notice　in　the　superior　glare　of　something　in　the
body　of　the　burlesque　itself。　　And　very　often　this　〃moral〃　is　tagged　on
at　the　bottom；　and　the　reader；　not　knowing　that　it　is　the　key　of　the
whole　thing　and　the　only　important　paragraph　in　the　article；　tranquilly
turns　up　his　nose　at　it　and　leaves　it　unread。　　One　can　deliver　a　satire
with　telling　force　through　the　insidious　medium　of　a　travesty；　if　he　is
careful　not　to　overwhelm　the　satire　with　the　extraneous　interest　of　the
travesty；　and　so　bury　it　from　the　reader's　sight　and　leave　him　a　joked
and　defrauded　victim；　when　the　honest　intent　was　to　add　to　either　his
knowledge　or　his　wisdom。　　I　have　had　a　deal　of　experience　in　burlesques
and　their　unfortunate　aptness　to　deceive　the　public；　and　this　is　why　I
tried　hard　to　make　that　agricultural　one　so　broad　and　so　perfectly
palpable　that　even　a　one…eyed　potato　could　see　it；　and　yet；　as　I　speak
the　solemn　truth；　it　fooled　one　of　the　ablest　agricultural　editors　in
America！






DAN　MURPHY

One　of　the　saddest　things　that　ever　came　under　my　notice　（said　the
banker's　clerk）　was　there　in　Corning；　during　the　war。　　Dan　Murphy
enlisted　as　a　private；　and　fought　very　bravely。　　The　boys　all　liked　him；
and　when　a　wound　by　and　by　weakened　him　down　till　carrying　a　musket　was
too　heavy　work　for　him；　they　clubbed　together　and　fixed　him　up　as　a
sutler。　　He　made　money　then；　and　sent　it　always　to　his　wife　to　bank　for
him。　　She　was　a　washer　and　ironer；　and　knew　enough　by　hard　experience　to
keep　money　when　she　got　it。　　She　didn't　waste　a　penny。　　On　the　contrary；
she　began　to　get　miserly　as　her　bank　account　grew。　　She　grieved　to　part
with　a　cent；　poor　creature；　for　twice　in　her　hard…working　life　she　had
known　what　it　was　to　be　hungry；　cold；　friendless；　sick；　and　without　a
dollar　in　the　world；　and　she　had　a　haunting　dread　of　suffering　so　again。
Well；　at　last　Dan　died；　and　the　boys；　in　testimony　of　their　esteem　and
respect　for　him；　telegraphed　to　Mrs。　　Murphy　to　know　if　she　would　like　to
have　him　embalmed　and　sent　home；　when　you　know　the　usual　custom　was　to
dump　a　poor　devil　like　him　into　a　shallow　hole；　and　then　inform　his
friends　what　had　become　of　him。　　Mrs。　　Murphy　jumped　to　the　conclusion
that　it　would　only　cost　two　or　three　dollars　to　embalm　her　dead　husband；
and　so　she　telegraphed　〃Yes。〃　　It　was　at　the　〃wake〃　that　the　bill　for
embalming　arrived　and　was　presented　to　the　widow。　　She　uttered　a　wild；
sad　wail；　that　pierced　every　heart；　and　said：　〃Sivinty…foive　dollars　for
stoofhn'　Dan；　blister　their　sowls！　　Did　thim　divils　suppose　I　was　goin'
to　stairt　a　Museim；　that　I'd　be　dalin'　in　such　expinsive　curiassities！〃

The　banker's　clerk　said　there　was　not　a　dry　eye　in　the　house。






THE　〃TOURNAMENT〃　IN　A。　D。　1870

Lately　there　appeared　an　item　to　this　effect；　and　the　same　went　the
customary　universal　round　of　the　press：

　　　　　A　telegraph　station　has　just　been　established　upon　the　traditional
　　　　　site　of　the　Garden　of　Eden。

As　a　companion　to　that；　nothing　fits　so　aptly　and　so　perfectly　as　this：

　　　　　Brooklyn　has　revived　the　knightly　tournament　of　the　Middle　Ages。

It　is　hard　to　tell　which　is　the　most　startling；　the　idea　of　that　highest
achievement　of　human　genius　and　intelligence；　the　telegraph；　prating　away
about　the　practical　concerns　of　the　world's　daily　life　in　the　heart　and
home　of　ancient　indolence；　ignorance；　and　savagery；　or　the　idea　of　that
happiest　expression　of　the　brag；　vanity；　and　mock…heroics　of　our
ancestors；　the　〃tournament；〃　coming　out　of　its　grave　to　flaunt　its　tinsel
trumpery　and　p