curious republic of gondour-第4章

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ancestors；　the　〃tournament；〃　coming　out　of　its　grave　to　flaunt　its　tinsel
trumpery　and　perform　its　〃chivalrous〃　absurdities　in　the　high　noon　of　the
nineteenth　century；　and　under　the　patronage　of　a　great；　broad…awake　city
and　an　advanced　civilisation。

A　〃tournament〃　in　Lynchburg　is　a　thing　easily　within　the　comprehension　of
the　average　mind；　but　no　commonly　gifted　person　can　conceive　of　such　a
spectacle　in　Brooklyn　without　straining　his　powers。　　Brooklyn　is　part　and
parcel　of　the　city　of　New　York；　and　there　is　hardly　romance　enough　in　the
entire　metropolis　to　re…supply　a　Virginia　〃knight〃　with　〃chivalry；〃　in
case　he　happened　to　run　out　of　it。　　Let　the　reader　calmly　and
dispassionately　picture　to　himself　〃lists〃　in　Brooklyn；　heralds；
pursuivants；　pages；　garter　king…at…armsin　Brooklyn；　the　marshalling　of
the　fantastic　hosts　of　〃chivalry〃　in　slashed　doublets；　velvet　trunks；
ruffles；　and　plumesin　Brooklyn；　mounted　on　omnibus　and　livery…stable
patriarchs；　promoted；　and　referred　to　in　cold　blood　as　〃steeds；〃
〃destriers；〃　and　〃chargers；〃　and　divested　of　their　friendly；　humble　names
these　meek　old　〃Jims〃　and　〃Bobs〃　and　〃Charleys；〃　and　renamed　〃Mohammed；〃
〃Bucephalus；〃　and　〃Saladin〃in　Brooklyn；　mounted　thus；　and　armed　with
swords　and　shields　and　wooden　lances；　and　cased　in　paste　board　hauberks；
morions；　greaves；　and　gauntlets；　and　addressed　as　〃Sir〃　Smith；　and　〃Sir〃
Jones；　and　bearing　such　titled　grandeurs　as　〃The　Disinherited　Knight；〃
the　〃Knight　of　Shenandoah；〃　the　〃Knight　of　the　Blue　Ridge；〃　the　〃Knight
of　Maryland；〃　and　the　〃Knight　of　the　Secret　Sorrow〃in　Brooklyn；　and　at
the　toot　of　the　horn　charging　fiercely　upon　a　helpless　ring　hung　on　a
post；　and　prodding　at　it　in　trepidly　with　their　wooden　sticks；　and　by　and
by　skewering　it　and　cavorting　back　to　the　judges'　stand　covered　with
glory　this　in　Brooklyn；　and　each　noble　success　like　this　duly　and
promptly　announced　by　an　applauding　toot　from　the　herald's　horn；　and　〃the
band　playing　three　bars　of　an　old　circus　tune〃all　in　Brooklyn；　in　broad
daylight。　　And　let　the　reader　remember；　and　also　add　to　his　picture；　as
follows；　to　wit：　when　the　show　was　all　over；　the　party　who　had　shed　the
most　blood　and　overturned　and　hacked　to　pieces　the　most　knights；　or　at
least　had　prodded　the　most　muffin…rings；　was　accorded　the　ancient
privilege　of　naming　and　crowning　the　Queen　of　Love　and　Beautywhich
naming　had　in　reality　been　done　for；　him　by　the　〃cut…and…dried〃　process；
and　long　in　advance；　by　a　committee　of　ladies；　but　the　crowning　he　did　in
person；　though　suffering　from　loss　of　blood；　and　then　was　taken　to　the
county　hospital　on　a　shutter　to　have　his　wounds　dressedthese　curious
things　all　occurring　in　Brooklyn；　and　no　longer　ago　than　one　or　two
yesterdays。　　It　seems　impossible；　and　yet　it　is　true。

This　was　doubtless　the　first　appearance　of　the　〃tournament〃　up　here　among
the　rolling…mills　and　factories；　and　will　probably　be　the　last。　　It　will
be　well　to　let　it　retire　permanently　to　the　rural　districts　of　Virginia；
where；　it　is　said；　the　fine　mailed　and　plumed；　noble…natured；　maiden…
rescuing；　wrong…redressing；　adventure…seeking　knight　of　romance　is
accepted　and　believed　in　by　the　peasantry　with　pleasing　simplicity；　while
they　reject　with　scorn　the　plain；　unpolished　verdict　whereby　history
exposes　him　as　a　braggart；　a　ruffian；　a　fantastic　vagabond；　and　an
ignoramus。

All　romance　aside；　what　shape　would　our　admiration　of　the　heroes　of　Ashby
de　la　Zouch　be　likely　to　take；　in　this　practical　age；　if　those　worthies
were　to　rise　up　and　come　here　and　perform　again　the　chivalrous　deeds　of
that　famous　passage　of　arms？　　Nothing　but　a　New　York　jury　and　the
insanity　plea　could　save　them　from　hanging；　from　the　amiable　Bois…
Guilbert　and　the　pleasant　Front…de…Boeuf　clear　down　to　the　nameless
ruffians　that　entered　the　riot　with　unpictured　shields　and　did　their
first　murder　and　acquired　their　first　claim　to　respect　that　day。　　The
doings　of　the　so…called　〃chivalry〃　of　the　Middle　Ages　were　absurd　enough；
even　when　they　were　brutally　and　bloodily　in　earnest；　and　when　their
surroundings　of　castles　and　donjons；　savage　landscapes　and　half…savage
peoples；　were　in　keeping；　but　those　doings　gravely　reproduced　with　tinsel
decorations　and　mock　pageantry；　by　bucolic　gentlemen　with　broomstick
lances；　and　with　muffin…rings　to　represent　the　foe；　and　all　in　the　midst
of　the　refinement　and　dignity　of　a　carefully…developed　modern
civilisation；　is　absurdity　gone　crazy。

Now；　for　next　exhibition；　let　us　have　a　fine　representation　of　one　of
those　chivalrous　wholesale　butcheries　and　burnings　of　Jewish　women　and
children；　which　the　crusading　heroes　of　romance　used　to　indulge　in　in
their　European　homes；　just　before　starting　to　the　Holy　Land；　to　seize　and
take　to　their　protection　the　Sepulchre　and　defend　it　from　〃pollution。〃






CURIOUS　RELIC　FOR　SALE

　　　　　〃For　sale；　for　the　benefit　of　the　Fund　for　the　Relief　of　the　Widows
　　　　　and　Orphans　of　Deceased　Firemen；　a　Curious　Ancient　Bedouin　Pipe；
　　　　　procured　at　the　city　of　Endor　in　Palestine；　and　believed　to　have
　　　　　once　belonged　to　the　justly…renowned　Witch　of　Endor。　　Parties
　　　　　desiring　to　examine　this　singular　relic　with　a　view　to　purchasing；
　　　　　can　do　so　by　calling　upon　Daniel　S。。　119　and　121　William　street；　New
　　　　　York〃

As　per　advertisement　in　the　〃Herald。〃　　A　curious　old　relic　indeed；　as　I
had　a　good　personal　right　to　know。　　In　a　single　instant　of　time；　a　long
drawn　panorama　of　sights　and　scenes　in　the　Holy　Land　flashed　through　my
memorytown　and　grove；　desert；　camp；　and　caravan　clattering　after　each
other　and　disappearing；　leaping　me　with　a　little　of　the　surprised　and
dizzy　feeling　which　I　have　experienced　at　sundry　times　when　a　long
express　train　has　overtaken　me　at　some　quiet　curve　and　gone　whizzing；　car
by　car；　around　the　corner　and　out　of　sight。　　In　that　prolific　instant　I
saw　again　all　the　country　from　the　Sea　of　Galilee　and　Nazareth　clear　to
Jerusalem；　and　thence　over　the　hills　of　Judea　and　through　the　Vale　of
Sharon　to　Joppa；　down　by　the　ocean。　　Leaving　out　unimportant　stretches　of
country　and　details　of　incident；　I　saw　and　experienced　the　following…
described　matters　and　things。　　Immediately　three　years　fell　away　from　my
age；　and　a　vanished　time　was　restored　to　me　September；　1867。　　It　was　a
flaming　Oriental　daythis　one　that　had　come　up　out　of　the　past　and
brought　along　its　actors；　its　stage…properties；　and　scenic　effectsand
our　party　had　just　ridden　through　the　squalid　hive　of　human　vermin　which
still　holds　the　ancient　Biblical　name　of　Endor；　I　was　bringing　up　the
rear　on　my　grave　four…dollar　steed；　who　was　about　beginning　to　compose
himself　for　his　usual　noon　nap。　　My！　only　fifteen　minutes　before　how　the
black；　mangy；　nine…tenths　naked；　ten…tenths　filthy；　ignorant；　bigoted；
besotted；　hungry；　lazy；　malignant；　screeching；　crowding；　struggling；
wailing；　begging；　cursing；　hateful　spawn　of　the　original　Witch　had
swarmed　out　of　the　caves　in　the　rocks　and　the　holes　and　crevices　in　the
earth；　and　blocked　our　horses'　way；　besieged　us；　threw　themselves　in　the
animals'　path；　clung　to　their　manes；　saddle…furniture；　and　tails；　asking；
beseeching；　demanding　〃bucksheesh！　　bucksheesh！　　BUCKSHEESH！〃　　We　had
rained　small　copper　Turkish　coins　among　them；　as　fugitives　fling　coats
and　hats　to　pursuing　wolves；　and　then　had　spurred　our　way　through　as　they
stopped　to　scramble　for　the　largess。　　I　was　fervently　thankful　when　we
had　gotten　well　up　on　the　desolate　hillside　and　outstripped　them　and　left
them　jawing　and　gesticulating　in　the　rear。　　What　a　tempest　had　seemingly
gone　roaring　and　crashing　by　me　and　left　its　dull　thunders　pulsing　in　my
ears！

I　was　in　the　rear；　as　I　was　saying。　　Our　pack…mules　and　Arabs　were　far
ahead；　and　Dan；　Jack；　Moult；　Davis；　Denny；　Church；　and　Birch　（these　names
will　do　as　well　as　any　to　represent　the　boys）　were　following　close　after
them。　　As　my　horse　nodded　to　rest；　I　heard　a　sort　of　panting　behind　me；
and　turned　and　saw　that　a　tawny　youth　from　the　village　had　overtaken　me
a　true　remnant　and　representative　of　his　ancestress　the　Witcha
galvanised　scurvy；　wrought　into　the　human　shape　and　garnished　with
ophthalmia　and　leprous　scarsan　airy　creature　with　an　invisible　shirt…
front　that　reached　below　the　pit　of　his　stomach；　and　no　other　clothing　to
speak　of　except　a　tobacco…pouch；　an　ammunition…pocket；　and　a　venerable
gun；　which　was　long　enough　to　club　any　game　with　that　came　within
shooting　distance；　but　far　from　efficient　as　an　article　of　dress。

I　thought　to　myself；　〃Now　this　disease　with　a　human　heart　in　it　is　going
to　shoot　me。〃　　I　smiled　in　derision　at　the　idea　of　a　Bedouin　daring　to
touch　off　his　great…grandfather's　rusty　gun　and　getting　his　head　blown
off　for　his　pains。　　But　then　it　occurred　to　me；　in　simple　school…boy
language；　〃Suppose　he　should　take　deliberate　aim　and　'haul　off'　and　fetch
me　with　the　butt…end　of　it？〃　　There　was　wisdom　in　that　view　of　it；　and　I
stopped　to　parley。　　I　found　he　was　only　a　friendly　villain　who　wanted　a
trifle　of　bucksheesh；　and　after　begging　what　he　could　get　in　that　way；
was　perfectly　willing　to　trade　off　everything　he　had　for　more。　　I　believe
he　would　have　parted　with　his　last　shirt　for　bucksheesh　if　he　had　had
one。　　He　was　smoking　the　〃humbliest〃　pipe　I　ever　sawa　dingy；　funnel…
shaped；　red…clay　thing；　streaked　and　grimed　with　oil　and　tears　of
tobacco；　and　with　all　the　different　kinds　of　dirt　there　are；　and　thirty
per　cent。　of　them　peculiar　and　indigenous　to　Endor　and　perdition。　　And
rank？　　I　never　smelt　anything　like　it。　　It　withered　a　cactus　that　stood
lifting　its　prickly　hands　aloft　beside　the　trail。　　It　even　woke　up　my
horse。　　I　said　I　would　take　that。　　It　cost　me　a　franc；　a　Russian　kopek；
a　brass　button；　and　a　slate　pencil；　and　my　spendthrift　lavishness　so　won
upon　the　son　of　the　desert　that　he　passed　over　his　pouch　of　most
unspeakably　villainous　tobacco　to　me　as　a　free　gift。　　What　a　pipe　it　was；
to　be　sure！　　It　had　a　rude　brass…wire　cover　to　it；　and　a　little　coarse
iron　chain　suspended　from　the　bowl；　with　an　iron　splinter　attached　to
loosen　up　the　tobacco　and　pick　your　teeth　with。　　The　stem　looked　like　the
half　of　a　slender　walking…stick　with　the　bark　on。

I　felt　that　this　pipe　had　belonged　to　the　original　Witch　of　Endor　as　soon
as　I　saw　it；　and　as　soon　as　I　smelt　it；　I　knew　it。　　Moreover；　I　asked　the
Arab　cub　in　good　English　if　it　was　not　so；　and　he　answered　in　good　Arabic
that　it　was。　　I　woke　up　my　horse　and　went　my　way；　smoking。　　And　presently
I　said　to　myself　reflectively；　〃If　there　is　anything　that　could　make　a
man　deliberately　assault　a　dying　cripple；　I　reckon　may　be　an　unexpected
whiff　from　this　pipe　would　do　it。〃　　I　smoked　along　till　I　found　I　was
beginning　to　lie；　and　project　murder；　and　steal　my　own　things　out　of　one
pocket　and　hide　them　in　another；　and　then　I　put　up　my　treasure；　took　off
my　spurs　and　put　them　under　my　horse's　tail；　and　shortly　came　tearing
through　our　caravan　like　a　hurricane。

From　that　time　forward；　going　to　Jerusalem；　the　Dead　Sea；　and　the　Jordan；
Bethany；　Bethlehem；　and　everywhere；　I　loafed　contentedly　in　the　rear　and
enjoyed　my　infamous　pipe　and　revelled　in　imaginary　villany。　　But　at　the
end　of　two　weeks　we　turned　our　faces　toward