mark twain, a biography, 1900-1907-第36章

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playing　as　if　nothing　had　happened；　only　he　was　very　gentle　and　sweet；
like　the　sun　on　the　meadows　after　the　storm　has　passed　by。　　After　a
little　he　said：

〃This　is　a　most　amusing　game。　　When　you　play　badly　it　amuses　me；　and　when
I　play　badly　and　lose　my　temper　it　certainly　must　amuse　you。〃

His　enjoyment　of　his　opponent's　perplexities　was　very　keen。　　When　he　had
left　the　balls　in　some　unfortunate　position　which　made　it　almost
impossible　for　me　to　score　he　would　laugh　boisterously。　　I　used　to　affect
to　be　injured　and　disturbed　by　this　ridicule。　　Once；　when　he　had　made　the
conditions　unusually　hard　for　me；　and　was　enjoying　the　situation
accordingly；　I　was　tempted　to　remark：

〃Whenever　I　see　you　laugh　at　a　thing　like　that　I　always　doubt　your　sense
of　humor。〃　　Which　seemed　to　add　to　his　amusement。

Sometimes；　when　the　balls　were　badly　placed　for　me；　he　would　offer
ostensible　advice；　suggesting　that　I　should　shoot　here　and　thereshots
that　were　possible；　perhaps；　but　not　promising。　　Often　I　would　follow　his
advice；　and　then　when　I　failed　to　score　his　amusement　broke　out　afresh。

Other　billiardists　came　from　time　to　time：　Colonel　Harvey；　Mr。　Duneka；
and　Major　Leigh；　of　the　Harper　Company；　and　Peter　Finley　Dunne　（Mr。
Dooley）；　but　they　were　handicapped　by　their　business　affairs；　and　were
not　dependable　for　daily　and　protracted　sessions。　　Any　number　of　his
friends　were　willing；　even　eager；　to　come　for　his　entertainment；　but　the
percentage　of　them　who　could　and　would　devote　a　number　of　hours　each　day
to　being　beaten　at　billiards　and　enjoy　the　operation　dwindled　down　to　a
single　individual。　　Even　I　could　not　have　done　itcould　not　have
afforded　it；　however　much　I　might　have　enjoyed　the　diversionhad　it　not
been　contributory　to　my　work。　　To　me　the　association　was　invaluable；　it
drew　from　him　a　thousand　long…forgotten　incidents；　it　invited　a　stream　of
picturesque　comments　and　philosophies；　it　furnished　the　most　intimate
insight　into　his　character。

He　was　not　always　glad　to　see　promiscuous　callers；　even　some　one　that　he
might　have　met　pleasantly　elsewhere。　　One　afternoon　a　young　man　whom　he
had　casually　invited　to　〃drop　in　some　day　in　town〃　happened　to　call　in
the　midst　of　a　very　close　series　of　afternoon　games。　　It　would　all　have
been　well　enough　if　the　visitor　had　been　content　to　sit　quietly　on　the
couch　and　〃bet　on　the　game；〃　as　Clemens　suggested；　after　the　greetings
were　over；　but　he　was　a　very　young　man；　and　he　felt　the　necessity　of
being　entertaining。　　He　insisted　on　walking　about　the　room　and　getting　in
the　way；　and　on　talking　about　the　Mark　Twain　books　he　had　read；　and　the
people　he　had　met　from　time　to　time　who　had　known　Mark　Twain　on　the
river；　or　on　the　Pacific　coast；　or　elsewhere。　　I　knew　how　fatal　it　was
for　him　to　talk　to　Clemens　during　his　play；　especially　concerning　matters
most　of　which　had　been　laid　away。　　I　trembled　for　our　visitor。　　If　I
could　have　got　his　ear　privately　I　should　have　said：　〃For　heaven's　sake
sit　down　and　keep　still　or　go　away！　　There's　going　to　be　a　combination　of
earthquake　and　cyclone　and　avalanche　if　you　keep　this　thing　up。〃

I　did　what　I　could。　　I　looked　at　my　watch　every　other　minute。　　At　last；
in　desperation；　I　suggested　that　I　retire　from　the　game　and　let　the
visitor　have　my　cue。　　I　suppose　I　thought　this　would　eliminate　an　element
of　danger。　　He　declined　on　the　ground　that　he　seldom　played；　and
continued　his　deadly　visit。　　I　have　never　been　in　an　atmosphere　so
fraught　with　danger。　　I　did　not　know　how　the　game　stood；　and　I　played
mechanically　and　forgot　to　count　the　score。　　Clemens's　face　was　grim　and
set　and　savage。　　He　no　longer　ventured　even　a　word。　　By　and　by　I　noticed
that　he　was　getting　white；　and　I　said；　privately；　〃Now；　this　young　man's
hour　has　come。〃

It　was　certainly　by　the　mercy　of　God　just　then　that　the　visitor　said：

〃I'm　sorry；　but　I've　got　to　go。　　I'd　like　to　stay　longer；　but　I've　got　an
engagement　for　dinner。〃

I　don't　remember　how　he　got　out；　but　I　know　that　tons　lifted　as　the　door
closed　behind　him。　　Clemens　made　his　shot；　then　very　softly　said：

〃If　he　had　stayed　another　five　minutes　I　should　have　offered　him　twenty…
five　cents　to　go。〃

But　a　moment　later　he　glared　at　me。

〃Why　in　nation　did　you　offer　him　your　cue？〃

〃Wasn't　that　the　courteous　thing　to　do？〃　I　asked。

〃No！〃　he　ripped　out。　　〃The　courteous　and　proper　thing　would　have　been　to
strike　him　dead。　　Did　you　want　to　saddle　that　disaster　upon　us　for　life？〃

He　was　blowing　off　steam；　and　I　knew　it　and　encouraged　it。　　My　impulse
was　to　lie　down　on　the　couch　and　shout　with　hysterical　laughter；　but　I
suspected　that　would　be　indiscreet。　　He　made　some　further　comment　on　the
propriety　of　offering　a　visitor　a　cue；　and　suddenly　began　to　sing　a
travesty　of　an　old　hymn：

　　　　　　　　　　〃How　tedious　are　they
　　　　　　　　　　Who　their　sovereign　obey；〃

and　so　loudly　that　I　said：

〃Aren't　you　afraid　he'll　hear　you　and　come　back？〃　　Whereupon　he　pretended
alarm　and　sang　under　his　breath；　and　for　the　rest　of　the　evening　was　in
boundless　good…humor。

I　have　recalled　this　incident　merely　as　a　sample　of　things　that　were
likely　to　happen　at　any　time　in　his　company；　and　to　show　the　difficulty
one　might　find　in　fitting　himself　to　his　varying　moods。　　He　was　not　to　be
learned　in　a　day；　or　a　week；　or　a　month；　some　of　those　who　knew　him
longest　did　not　learn　him　at　all。

We　celebrated　his　seventy…first　birthday　by　playing　billiards　all　day。　
He　invented　a　new　game　for　the　occasion；　inventing　rules　for　it　with
almost　every　shot。

It　happened　that　no　member　of　the　family　was　at　home　on　this　birthday。　
Ill　health　had　banished　every　one；　even　the　secretary。　　Flowers；
telegrams；　and　congratulations　came；　and　there　was　a　string　of　callers；
but　he　saw　no　one　beyond　some　intimate　friendsthe　Gilderslate　in　the
afternoon。　　When　they　had　gone　we　went　down　to　dinner。　　We　were　entirely
alone；　and　I　felt　the　great　honor　of　being　his　only　guest　on　such　an
occasion。　　Once　between　the　courses；　when　he　rose；　as　usual；　to　walk
about；　he　wandered　into　the　drawing…room；　and　seating　himself　at　the
orchestrelle　began　to　play　the　beautiful　flower…song　from　〃Faust。〃　　It
was　a　thing　I　had　not　seen　him　do　before；　and　I　never　saw　him　do　it
again。　　When　he　came　back　to　the　table　he　said：

〃Speaking　of　companions　of　the　long　ago；　after　fifty　years　they　become
only　shadows　and　might　as　well　be　in　the　grave。　　Only　those　whom　one　has
really　loved　mean　anything　at　all。　　Of　my　playmates　I　recall　John　Briggs；
John　Garth；　and　Laura　Hawkinsjust　those　three；　the　rest　I　buried　long
ago；　and　memory　cannot　even　find　their　graves。〃

He　was　in　his　loveliest　humor　all　that　day　and　evening；　and　that　night；
when　he　stopped　playing；　he　said：

〃I　have　never　had　a　pleasanter　day　at　this　game。〃

I　answered；　〃I　hope　ten　years　from　to…night　we　shall　still　be　playing
it。〃

〃Yes；〃　he　said；　〃still　playing　the　best　game　on　earth。〃





CCL

PHILOSOPHY　AND　PESSIMISM

In　a　letter　to　MacAlister；　written　at　this　time；　he　said：

　　　　　The　doctors　banished　Jean　to　the　country　5　weeks　ago；　they　banished
　　　　　my　secretary　to　the　country　for　a　fortnight　last　Saturday；　they
　　　　　banished　Clara　to　the　country　for　a　fortnight　last　Monday　。　　。　　。　　。　
　　　　　They　banished　me　to　Bermuda　to　sail　next　Wednesday；　but　I　struck　and
　　　　　sha'n't　go。　　My　complaint　is　permanent　bronchitis　&　is　one　of　the
　　　　　very　best　assets　I've　got；　for　it　excuses　me　from　every　public
　　　　　function　this　winter&　all　other　winters　that　may　come。

If　he　had　bronchitis　when　this　letter　was　written；　it　must　have　been　of　a
very　mild　form；　for　it　did　not　interfere　with　billiard　games；　which　were
more　protracted　and　strenuous　than　at　almost　any　other　period。　　I
conclude；　therefore；　that　it　was　a　convenient　bronchitis；　useful　on
occasion。

For　a　full　ten　days　we　were　alone　in　the　big　house　with　the　servants。　　It
was　a　holiday　most　of　the　time。　　We　hurried　through　the　mail　in　the
morning　and　the　telephone　calls；　then；　while　I　answered　such　letters　as
required　attention；　he　dictated　for　an　hour　or　so　to　Miss　Hobby；　after
which；　billiards　for　the　rest　of　the　day　and　evening。　　When　callers　were
reported　by　the　butler；　I　went　down　and　got　rid　of　them。　　Clara　Clemens；
before　her　departure；　had　pinned　up　a　sign；　〃NO　BILLIARDS　AFTER　10　P。M。；〃
which　still　hung　on　the　wall；　but　it　was　outlawed。　　Clemens　occasionally
planned　excursions　to　Bermuda　and　other　places；　but；　remembering　the
billiard…table；　which　he　could　not　handily　take　along；　he　abandoned　these
projects。　　He　was　a　boy　whose　parents　had　been　called　away；　left　to　his
own　devices；　and　bent　on　a　good　time。

There　were　likely　to　be　irritations　in　his　morning's　mail；　and　more　often
he　did　not　wish　to　see　it　until　it　had　been　pretty　carefully　sifted。　　So
many　people　wrote　who　wanted　things；　so　many　others　who　made　the　claim　of
more　or　less　distant　acquaintanceship　the　excuse　for　long　and　trivial
letters。

〃I　have　stirred　up　three　generations；〃　he　said；　〃first　the　grandparents；
then　the　children；　and　now　the　grandchildren；　the　great…grandchildren
will　begin　to　arrive　soon。〃

His　mail　was　always　large；　but　often　it　did　not　look　interesting。　　One
could　tell　from　the　envelope　and　the　superscription　something　of　the
contents。　　Going　over　one　assortment　he　burst　out：

〃Look　at　them！　　Look　how　trivial　they　are！　　Every　envelope　looks　as　if　it
contained　a　trivial　human　soul。〃

Many　letters　were　filled　with　fulsome　praise　and　compliment；　usually　of
one　pattern。　　He　was　sated　with　such　things；　and　seldom　found　it　possible
to　bear　more　than　a　line　or　two　of　them。　　Yet　a　fresh；　well…expressed
note　of　appreciation　always　pleased　him。

〃I　can　live　for　two　months　on　a　good　compliment；〃　he　once　said。
Certain　persistent　correspondents；　too　self…centered　to　realize　their
lack　of　consideration；　or　the　futility　of　their　purpose；　followed　him
relentlessly。　　Of　one　such　he　remarked：

〃That　woman　intends　to　pursue　me　to　the　grave。　　I　wish　something　could　be
done　to　appease　her。〃

And　again：

〃Everybody　in　the　world　who　wants　something0something　of　no　interest　to
mewrites　to　me　to　get　it。〃

These　morning　sessions　were　likely　to　be　of　great　interest。　　Once　a
letter　spoke　of　the　desirability　of　being　an　optimist。　　〃That　word
perfectly　disgusts　me；〃　he　said；　and　his　features　materialized　the
disgust；　〃just　as　that　other　word；　pessimist；　does；　and　the　idea　that　one
can；　by　any　effort　of　will；　be　one　or　the　other；　any　more　than　he　can
change　the　color　of　his　hair。　　The　reason　why　a　man　is　a　pessimist　or　an
optimist　is　not　because　he　wants　to　be；　but　because　he　was　born　so；　and
this　man　＇a　minister　of　the　Gospel　who　was　going　to　explain　life　to　him＇
is　going　to　tell　me　why　he　isn't　a　pessimist。　　Oh；　he'll　do　it；　but　he
won't　tell　the　truth；　he　won't　make　it　short　enough。〃

Yet　he　was　always　patient　with　any　one　who　came　with　spiritual　messages；
theological　arguments；　and　consolations。　　He　might　have　said　to　them：
〃Oh；　dear　friends；　those　things　of　which　you　speak　are　the　toys　that　long
ago　I　played　with　and　set　aside。〃　　He　could　have　said　it　and　spoken　the
truth；　but　I　believe　he　did　not　even　think　it。　　He　listened　to　any　one
for　whom　he　had　respect