mark twain, a biography, 1900-1907-第41章

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a　volcano　would　turn　itself　loose　just　as　they　got　located。　　They　led
that　uncertain；　strenuous　existence　for　about　twenty…five　million　years；
always　wondering　what　was　going　to　happen　next；　never　suspecting　that　it
was　just　a　preparation　for　man；　who　had　to　be　done　just　so　or　there
wouldn't　be　any　proper　or　harmonious　place　for　him　when　he　arrived；　and
then　at　last　the　monkey　came；　and　everybody　could　see　at　a　glance　that
man　wasn't　far　off　now；　and　that　was　true　enough。　　The　monkey　went　on
developing　for　close　upon　five　million　years；　and　then　he　turned　into　a
manto　all　appearances。

〃It　does　look　like　a　lot　of　fuss　and　trouble　to　go　through　to　build
anything；　especially　a　human　being；　and　nowhere　along　the　way　is　there
any　evidence　of　where　he　picked　up　that　final　assethis　imagination。　　It
makes　him　different　from　the　othersnot　any　better；　but　certainly
different。　　Those　earlier　animals　didn't　have　it；　and　the　monkey　hasn't
it　or　he　wouldn't　be　so　cheerful。〃

　　　　　＇Paine　records　Twain's　thoughts　in　that　magnificent　essay：　〃Was　the
　　　　　World　Made　for　Man〃　published　long　after　his　death　in　the　group　of
　　　　　essays　under　the　title　〃Letters　from　the　Earth。　　There　are　minor
　　　　　additions　in　the　published　version：　'coal'　to　fry　the　fish　in；　and
　　　　　the　remnants　of　life　being　chased　from　pole　to　pole　〃without　a　dry
　　　　　rag　on　them；〃；　and　the　coat　of　paint　on　the　top　of　the　bulb　on　top
　　　　　of　the　Eiffel　Tower　representing　man's　portion　of　this　world's
　　　　　history。〃　　D。W。＇

He　often　held　forth　on　the　shortcomings　of　the　human　racealways　a
favorite　subjectthe　incompetencies　and　imperfections　of　this　final
creation；　in　spite　of；　or　because　of；　his　great　attributethe
imagination。　　Once　（this　was　in　the　billiard…room）　I　started　him　by
saying　that　whatever　the　conditions　in　other　planets；　there　seemed　no
reason　why　life　should　not　develop　in　each；　adapted　as　perfectly　to
prevailing　conditions　as　man　is　suited　to　conditions　here。　　He　said：

〃Is　it　your　idea；　then；　that　man　is　perfectly　adapted　to　the　conditions
of　this　planet？〃

I　began　to　qualify；　rather　weakly；　but　what　I　said　did　not　matter。　　He
was　off　on　his　favorite　theme。

〃Man　adapted　to　the　earth？〃　he　said。　　〃Why；　he　can't　sleep　out…of…doors
without　freezing　to　death　or　getting　the　rheumatism　or　the　malaria；　he
can't　keep　his　nose　under　water　over　a　minute　without　being　drowned；　he
can't　climb　a　tree　without　falling　out　and　breaking　his　neck。　　Why；　he's
the　poorest；　clumsiest　excuse　of　all　the　creatures　that　inhabit　this
earth。　　He　has　got　to　be　coddled　and　housed　and　swathed　and　bandaged　and
up　holstered　to　be　able　to　live　at　all。　　He　is　a　rickety　sort　of　a　thing；
anyway　you　take　him；　a　regular　British　Museum　of　infirmities　and
inferiorities。　　He　is　always　under　going　repairs。　　A　machine　that　is　as
unreliable　as　he　is　would　have　no　market。　　The　higher　animals　get　their
teeth　without　pain　or　inconvenience。　　The　original　cave　man；　the
troglodyte；　may　have　got　his　that　way。　　But　now　they　come　through　months
and　months　of　cruel　torture；　and　at　a　time　of　life　when　he　is　least　able
to　bear　it。　　As　soon　as　he　gets　them　they　must　all　be　pulled　out　again；
for　they　were　of　no　value　in　the　first　place；　not　worth　the　loss　of　a
night's　rest。　　The　second　set　will　answer　for　a　while；　but　he　will　never
get　a　set　that　can　be　depended　on　until　the　dentist　makes　one。　　The
animals　are　not　much　troubled　that　way。　　In　a　wild　state；　a　natural
state；　they　have　few　diseases；　their　main　one　is　old　age。　　But　man　starts
in　as　a　child　and　lives　on　diseases　to　the　end　as　a　regular　diet。　　He　has
mumps；　measles；　whooping…cough；　croup；　tonsilitis；　diphtheria；　scarlet…
fever；　as　a　matter　of　course。　　Afterward；　as　he　goes　along；　his　life
continues　to　be　threatened　at　every　turn　by　colds；　coughs；　asthma；
bronchitis；　quinsy；　consumption；　yellow…fever；　blindness；　influenza；
carbuncles；　pneumonia；　softening　of　the　brain；　diseases　of　the　heart　and
bones；　and　a　thousand　other　maladies　of　one　sort　and　another。　　He's　just
a　basketful　of　festering；　pestilent　corruption；　provided　for　the　support
and　entertainment　of　microbes。　　Look　at　the　workmanship　of　him　in　some　of
its　particulars。　　What　are　his　tonsils　for？　　They　perform　no　useful
function；　they　have　no　value。　　They　are　but　a　trap　for　tonsilitis　and
quinsy。　　And　what　is　the　appendix　for？　　It　has　no　value。　　Its　sole
interest　is　to　lie　and　wait　for　stray　grape…seeds　and　breed　trouble。　
What　is　his　beard　for？　　It　is　just　a　nuisance。　　All　nations　persecute　it
with　the　razor。　　Nature；　however；　always　keeps　him　supplied　with　it；
instead　of　putting　it　on　his　head；　where　it　ought　to　be。　　You　seldom　see
a　man　bald…headed　on　his　chin；　but　on　his　head。　　A　man　wants　to　keep　his
hair。　　It　is　a　graceful　ornament；　a　comfort；　the　best　of　all　protections
against　weather；　and　he　prizes　it　above　emeralds　and　rubies；　and　Nature
half　the　time　puts　it　on　so　it　won't　stay。

〃Man's　sight　and　smell　and　hearing　are　all　inferior。　　If　he　were　suited
to　the　conditions　he　could　smell　an　enemy；　he　could　hear　him；　he　could
see　him；　just　as　the　animals　can　detect　their　enemies。　　The　robin　hears
the　earthworm　burrowing　his　course　under　the　ground；　the　bloodhound
follows　a　scent　that　is　two　days　old。　　Man　isn't　even　handsome；　as
compared　with　the　birds；　and　as　for　style；　look　at　the　Bengal　tigerthat
ideal　of　grace；　physical　perfection；　and　majesty。　　Think　of　the　lion　and
the　tiger　and　the　leopard；　and　then　think　of　manthat　poor　thing！the
animal　of　the　wig；　the　ear…trumpet；　the　glass　eye；　the　porcelain　teeth；
the　wooden　leg；　the　trepanned　skull；　the　silver　wind…pipea　creature
that　is　mended　and　patched　all　over　from　top　to　bottom。　　If　he　can't　get
renewals　of　his　bric…a…brac　in　the　next　world　what　will　he　look　like？　　He
has　just　that　one　stupendous　superiorityhis　imagination；　his　intellect。　
It　makes　him　supremethe　higher　animals　can't　match　him　there。　　It's
very　curious。〃

A　letter　which　he　wrote　to　J。　Howard　Moore　concerning　his　book　The
Universal　Kinship　was　of　this　period；　and　seems　to　belong　here。

　　　　　DEAR　MR。　MOORE；　The　book　has　furnished　me　several　days　of　deep
　　　　　pleasure　&　satisfaction。；　it　has　compelled　my　gratitude　at　the　same
　　　　　time；　since　it　saves　me　the　labor　of　stating　my　own　long…cherished
　　　　　opinions　&　reflections　&　resentments　by　doing　it　lucidly　&　fervently
　　　　　&　irascibly　for　me。

　　　　　There　is　one　thing　that　always　puzzles　me：　as　inheritors　of　the
　　　　　mentality　of　our　reptile　ancestors　we　have　improved　the　inheritance
　　　　　by　a　thousand　grades；　but　in　the　matter　of　the　morals　which　they
　　　　　left　us　we　have　gone　backward　as　many　grades。　　That　evolution　is
　　　　　strange　&　to　me　unaccountable　&　unnatural。　　Necessarily　we　started
　　　　　equipped　with　their　perfect　and　blemishless　morals；　now　we　are
　　　　　wholly　destitute；　we　have　no　real　morals；　but　only　artificial　ones
　　　　　morals　created　and　preserved　by　the　forced　suppression　of　natural　&
　　　　　healthy　instincts。　　Yes；　we　are　a　sufficiently　comical　invention；　we
　　　　　humans。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Sincerely　yours；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　S。　L。　　CLEMENS。




CCLIII

AN　EVENING　WITH　HELEN　KELLER

I　recall　two　pleasant　social　events　of　that　winter：　one　a　little　party
given　at　the　Clemenses'　home　on　New…Year's　Eve；　with　charades　and　story…
telling　and　music。　　It　was　the　music　feature　of　this　party　that　was
distinctive；　it　was　supplied　by　wire　through　an　invention　known　as　the
telharmonium　which；　it　was　believed；　would　revolutionize　musical
entertainment　in　such　places　as　hotels；　and　to　some　extent　in　private
houses。　　The　music　came　over　the　regular　telephone　wire；　and　was
delivered　through　a　series　of　horns　or　megaphonessimilar　to　those　used
for　phonographsthe　playing　being　done；　meanwhile；　by　skilled　performers
at　the　central　station。　　Just　why　the　telharmonium　has　not　made　good　its
promises　of　popularity　I　do　not　know。　　Clemens　was　filled　with　enthusiasm
over　the　idea。　　He　made　a　speech　a　little　before　midnight；　in　which　he
told　how　he　had　generally　been　enthusiastic　about　inventions　which　had
turned　out　more　or　less　well　in　about　equal　proportions。　　He　did　not
dwell　on　the　failures；　but　he　told　how　he　had　been　the　first　to　use　a
typewriter　for　manuscript　work；　how　he　had　been　one　of　the　earliest　users
of　the　fountain…pen；　how　he　had　installed　the　first　telephone　ever　used
in　a　private　house；　and　how　the　audience　now　would　have　a　demonstration
of　the　first　telharmonium　music　so　employed。　　It　was　just　about　the
stroke　of　midnight　when　he　finished；　and　a　moment　later　the　horns　began
to　play　chimes　and　〃Auld　Lang　Syne〃　and　〃America。〃

The　other　pleasant　evening　referred　to　was　a　little　company　given　in
honor　of　Helen　Keller。　　It　was　fascinating　to　watch　her；　and　to　realize
with　what　a　store　of　knowledge　she　had　lighted　the　black　silence　of　her
physical　life。　　To　see　Mark　Twain　and　Helen　Keller　together　was　something
not　easily　to　be　forgotten。　　When　Mrs。　Macy　（who；　as　Miss　Sullivan；　had
led　her　so　marvelously　out　of　the　shadows）　communicated　his　words　to　her
with　what　seemed　a　lightning　touch　of　the　fingers　her　face　radiated　every
shade　of　his　meaning…humorous；　serious；　pathetic。　　Helen　visited　the
various　objects　in　the　room；　and　seemed　to　enjoy　them　more　than　the　usual
observer　of　these　things；　and　certainly　in　greater　detail。　　Her　sensitive
fingers　spread　over　articles　of　bric…a…brac；　and　the　exclamations　she
uttered　were　always　fitting；　showing　that　she　somehow　visualized　each
thing　in　all　its　particulars。　　There　was　a　bronze　cat　of　handsome
workmanship　and　happy　expression；　and　when　she　had　run　those　allseeing
fingers　of　hers　over　it　she　said：　〃It　is　smiling。〃




CCLIV

BILLIARD…ROOM　NOTES

The　billiard　games　went　along　pretty　steadily　that　winter。　　My　play
improved；　and　Clemens　found　it　necessary　to　eliminate　my　odds　altogether；
and　to　change　the　game　frequently　in　order　to　keep　me　in　subjection。　
Frequently　there　were　long　and　apparently　violent　arguments　over　the
legitimacy　of　some　particular　shot　or　playarguments　to　us　quite　as
enjoyable　as　the　rest　of　the　game。　　Sometimes　he　would　count　a　shot　which
was　clearly　out　of　the　legal　limits；　and　then　it　was　always　a　delight　to
him　to　have　a　mock…serious　discussion　over　the　matter　of　conscience；　and
whether　or　not　his　conscience　was　in　its　usual　state　of　repair。　　It　would
always　end　by　him　saying：　〃I　don't　wish　even　to　seem　to　do　anything　which
can　invite　suspicion。　　I　refuse　to　count　that　shot；〃　or　something　of　like
nature。　Sometimes　when　I　had　let　a　questionable　play　pass　without
comment；　he　would　watch　anxiously　until　I　had　made　a　similar　one　and　then
insist　on　my　scoring　it　to　square　accounts。　　His　conscience　was　always
repairing　itself。

He　had　experimented；　a　great　many　years　before；　with　what　was　in　the
nature　of　a　trick　on　some　unsuspecting　player。　　It　consisted　in　turning
out　twelve　pool…balls　on　the　table　with　one　cue　ball；　and　asking　his
guest　how　many　caroms　he　thought　he　could　make　with　all　those　twelve
balls　to　play　on。　　He　had　learned　that　the　average　player　would　seldom
make　more　than　thirty…one　counts；　and　usually；　before　this　number　was
reached；　he　would　miss　through