mark twain, a biography, 1900-1907-第9章
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can？
S。 Yes； Lord。
L。 Then what？ Does he keep him in mind years and years and go on
contriving miseries for him？
S。 No； Lord。
L。 Does he forget him？
S。 Yes； Lord。
L。 Why？
S。 He cares nothing more about him。
L。 Employs himself with more important matters？
S。 Yes； Lord。
L。 Apparently man is quite a rational and dignified person； and can
divorce his mind from uninteresting trivialities。 Why does he affront me
with the fancy that I interest Myself in trivialitieslike men and
microbes？
II
L。 Is it true the human race thinks the universe was created for its
convenience？
S。 Yes； Lord。
L。 The human race is modest。 Speaking as a member of it； what do you
think the other animals are for？
S。 To furnish food and labor for man。
L。 What is the sea for？
S。 To furnish food for man。 Fishes。
L。 And the air？
S。 To furnish sustenance for man。 Birds and breath。
L。 How many men are there？
S。 Fifteen hundred millions。
L。 （Referring to notes。） Take your pencil and set down some statistics。
In a healthy man's lower intestine 28；000；000 microbes are born daily and
die daily。 In the rest of a man's body 122；000；000 microbes are born
daily and die daily。 The two sums aggregate…what？
S。 About 150；000；000。
L。 In ten days the aggregate reaches what？
S。 Fifteen hundred millions。
L。 It is for one person。 What would it be for the whole human
population？
S。 Alas； Lord； it is beyond the power of figures to set down that
multitude。 It is billions of billions multiplied by billions of
billions； and these multiplied again and again by billions of billions。
The figures would stretch across the universe and hang over into space on
both sides。
L。 To what intent are these uncountable microbes introduced into the
human race？
S。 That they may eat。
L。 Now then； according to man's own reasoning； what is man for？
S。 Alas…alas！
L。 What is he for？
S。 To…to…furnish food for microbes。
L。 Manifestly。 A child could see it。 Now then； with this common…sense
light to aid your perceptions； what are the air； the land； and the ocean
for？
S。 To furnish food for man so that he may nourish； support； and multiply
and replenish the microbes。
L。 Manifestly。 Does one build a boarding…house for the sake of the
boarding…house itself or for the sake of the boarders？
S。 Certainly for the sake of the boarders。
L。 Man's a boarding…house。
S。 I perceive it； Lord。
L。 He is a boarding…house。 He was never intended for anything else。 If
he had had less vanity and a clearer insight into the great truths that
lie embedded in statistics he would have found it out early。 As concerns
the man who has gone unpunished eleven million years； is it your belief
that in life he did his duty by his microbes？
S。 Undoubtedly； Lord。 He could not help it。
L。 Then why punish him？ He had no other duty to perform。
Whatever else may be said of this kind of doctrine； it is at least
original and has a conclusive sound。 Mark Twain had very little use for
orthodoxy and conservatism。 When it was announced that Dr。 Jacques Loeb；
of the University of California； had demonstrated the creation of life by
chemical agencies he was deeply interested。 When a newspaper writer
commented that a 〃consensus of opinion among biologists〃 would probably
rate Dr。 Loeb as a man of lively imagination rather than an inerrant
investigator of natural phenomena； he felt called to chaff the consensus
idea。
I wish I could be as young as that again。 Although I seem so old
now I was once as young as that。 I remember； as if it were but
thirty or forty years ago； how a paralyzing consensus of opinion
accumulated from experts a…setting around about brother experts who
had patiently and laboriously cold…chiseled their way into one or
another of nature's safe…deposit vaults and were reporting that they
had found something valuable was plenty for me。 It settled it。
But it isn't so now…no。 Because in the drift of the years I by and
by found out that a Consensus examines a new thing with its feelings
rather oftener than with its mind。
There was that primitive steam…engine…ages back； in Greek times： a
Consensus made fun of it。 There was the Marquis of Worcester's
steam…engine 250 years ago： a Consensus made fun of it。 There was
Fulton's steamboat of a century ago： a French Consensus； including
the great Napoleon； made fun of it。 There was Priestley； with his
oxygen： a Consensus scoffed at him； mobbed him； burned him out；
banished him。 While a Consensus was proving； by statistics and
things； that a steamship could not cross the Atlantic； a steamship
did it。
And so on through a dozen pages or more of lively satire； ending with an
extract from Adam's Diary。
Then there was a Consensus about it。 It was the very first one。 It
sat six days and nights。 It was then delivered of the verdict that
a world could not be made out of nothing； that such small things as
sun and moon and stars might； maybe； but it would take years and
years if there was considerable many of them。 Then the Consensus
got up and looked out of the window； and there was the whole outfit；
spinning and sparkling in space！ You never saw such a disappointed
lot。
ADAM。
He was writing much at this time； mainly for his own amusement； though
now and then he offered one of his reflections for print。 That beautiful
fairy tale； 〃The Five Boons of Life；〃 of which the most precious is
〃Death；〃 was written at this period。 Maeterlinck's lovely story of the
bee interested him； he wrote about that。 Somebody proposed a Martyrs'
Day； he wrote a paper ridiculing the suggestion。 In his note…book； too；
there is a memorandum for a love…story of the Quarternary Epoch which
would begin； 〃On a soft October afternoon 2；000；000 years ago。〃 John
Fiske's Discovery of America； Volume I； he said； was to furnish the
animals and scenery； civilization and conversation to be the same as to…
day； but apparently this idea was carried no further。 He ranged through
every subject from protoplasm to infinity； exalting； condemning；
ridiculing； explaining； his brain was always busya dynamo that rested
neither night nor day。
In April Clemens received notice of another yachting trip on the Kanawha；
which this time would sail for the Bahama and West India islands。 The
guests were to be about the same。＇The invited ones of the party were
Hon。 T。 B。 Reed； A。 G。 Paine； Laurence Hutton； Dr。 C。 C。 Rice； W。 T。
Foote； and S。 L。 Clemens。 〃Owners of the yacht；〃 Mr。 Rogers called them；
signing himself as 〃Their Guest。〃＇
He sent this telegram：
H。 H。 ROGERS；
Fairhaven； Mass。
Can't get away this week。 I have company here from tonight till middle
of next week。 Will Kanawha be sailing after that & can I go as Sunday…
school superintendent at half rate？ Answer and prepay。
DR。 CLEMENS。
The sailing date was conveniently arranged and there followed a happy
cruise among those balmy islands。 Mark Twain was particularly fond of
〃Tom〃 Reed； who had been known as 〃Czar〃 Reed in Congress； but was
delightfully human in his personal life。 They argued politics a good
deal； and Reed； with all his training and intimate practical knowledge of
the subject； confessed that he 〃couldn't argue with a man like that。〃
〃Do you believe the things you say？〃 he asked once； in his thin； falsetto
voice。
〃Yes；〃 said Clemens。 〃Some of them。〃
〃Well； you want to look out。 If you go on this way； by and by you'll get
to believing nearly everything you say。〃
Draw poker appears to have been their favorite diversion。 Clemens in his
notes reports that off the coast of Florida Reed won twenty…three pots in
succession。 It was said afterward that they made no stops at any harbor；
that when the chief officer approached the poker…table and told them they
were about to enter some important port he received peremptory orders to
〃sail on and not interrupt the game。〃 This； however； may be regarded as
more or less founded on fiction。
CCXX
MARK TWAIN AND THE PHILIPPINES
Among the completed manuscripts of the early part of 1902 was a North
American Review article （published in April）〃Does the Race of Man Love
a Lord？〃a most interesting treatise on snobbery as a universal
weakness。 There were also some papers on the Philippine situation。 In
one of these Clemens wrote：
We have bought some islands from a party who did not own them； with
real smartness and a good counterfeit of disinterested friendliness
we coaxed a confiding weak nation into a trap and closed it upon
them； we went back on an honored guest of the Stars and Stripes when
we had no further use for him and chased him to the mountains； we
are as indisputably in possession of a wide…spreading archipelago as
if it were our property； we have pacified some thousands of the
islanders and buried them； destroyed their fields； burned their
villages； and turned their widows and orphans out…of…doors；
furnished heartbreak by exile to some dozens of disagreeable
patriots； subjugated the remaining ten millions by Benevolent
Assimilation； which is the pious new name of the musket； we have
acquired property in the three hundred concubines and other slaves
of our business partner； the Sultan of Sulu； and hoisted our
protecting flag over that swag。
And so； by these Providences of Godthe phrase is the government's；
not minewe are a World Power； and are glad and proud； and have a
back seat in the family。 With tacks in it。 At least we are letting
on to be glad and proud； it is the best way。 Indeed； it is the only
way。 We must maintain our dignity； for people are looking。 We are
a World Power； we cannot get out of it now； and we must make the
best of it。
And again he wrote：
I am not finding fault with this use of our flag； for in order not
to seem eccentric I have swung around now and joined the nation in
the conviction that nothing can sully a flag。 I was not properly
reared； and had the illusion that a flag was a thing which must be
sacredly guarded against shameful uses and unclean contacts lest it
suffer pollution； and so when it was sent out to the Philippines to
float over a wanton war and a robbing expedition I supposed it was
polluted； and in an ignorant moment I said so。 But I stand
corrected。 I concede and acknowledge that it was only the
government that sent it on such an errand that was polluted。 Let us
compromise on that。 I am glad to have it that way。 For our flag
could not well stand pollution； never having been used to it； but it
is different with the administration。
But a much more conspicuous comment on the Philippine policy was the so…
called 〃Defense of General Funston〃 for what Funston himself referred to
as a 〃d
