the patrician-第27章

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folds　of　the　luxurious　cloak　enwrapping　one　so　young　and　fortunate。
It　was　not　Death；　therefore　it　must　be　Love；　and　he　thought　at　once
of　that　fellow　with　the　red　moustaches。　　Ideas　were　all　very　wellno
one　would　object　to　as　many　as　you　liked；　in　their　proper　placethe
dinner…table；　for　example。　　But　to　fall　in　love；　if　indeed　it　were
so；　with　a　man　who　not　only　had　ideas；　but　an　inclination　to　live　up
to　them；　and　on　them；　and　on　nothing　else；　seemed　to　Lord　Dennis
'outre'。

She　had　followed　him　to　the　wall；　and　he　lookedat　her　dubiously。

〃To　rest　in　the　waters　of　Lethe；　Babs？　　By　the　way；　seen　anything　of
our　friend　Mr。　Courtier？　　Very　picturesquethat　Quixotic　theory　of
life！〃

And　in　saying　that；　his　voice　（like　so　many　refined　voices　which　have
turned　their　backs　on　speculation）　was　triple…toned…mocking　at　ideas；
mocking　at　itself　for　mocking　at　ideas；　yet　showing　plainly　that　at
bottom　it　only　mocked　at　itself　for　mocking　at　ideas；　because　it
would　be；　as　it　were；　crude　not　to　do　so。

But　Barbara　did　not　answer　his　question；　and　began　to　speak　of　other
things。　　And　all　that　afternoon　and　evening　she　talked　away　so
lightly　that　Lord　Dennis；　but　for　his　instinct；　would　have　been
deceived。

That　wonderful　smiling　maskthe　inscrutability　of　Youthwas　laid
aside　by　her　at　night。　　Sitting　at　her　window；　under　the　moon；
'a　gold…bright　moth　slow…spinning　up　the　sky；'　she　watched　the
darkness　hungrily；　as　though　it　were　a　great　thought　into　whose　heart
she　was　trying　to　see。　　Now　and　then　she　stroked　herself；　getting
strange　comfort　out　of　the　presence　of　her　body。　　She　had　that　old
unhappy　feeling　of　having　two　selves　within　her。　　And　this　soft　night
full　of　the　quiet　stir　of　the　sea；　and　of　dark　immensity；　woke　in　her
a　terrible　longing　to　be　at　one　with　something；　somebody；　outside
herself。　　At　the　Ball　last　night　the　'flying　feeling'　had　seized　on
her　again；　and　was　still　therea　queer　manifestation　of　her　streak
of　recklessness。　　And　this　result　of　her　contacts　with　Courtier；　this
'cacoethes　volandi'；　and　feeling　of　clipped　wings；　hurt　heras　being
forbidden　hurts　a　child。

She　remembered　how　in　the　housekeeper's　room　at　Monkland　there　lived
a　magpie　who　had　once　sought　shelter　in　an　orchid…house　from　some
pursuer。　　As　soon　as　they　thought　him　wedded　to　civilization；　they
had　let　him　go；　to　see　whether　he　would　come　back。　　For　hours　he　had
sat　up　in　a　high　tree；　and　at　last　come　down　again　to　his　cage；
whereupon；　fearing　lest　the　rooks　should　attack　him　when　he　next　took
this　voyage　of　discovery；　they　clipped　one　of　his　wings。　　After　that
the　twilight　bird；　though　he　lived　happily　enough；　hopping　about　his
cage　and　the　terrace　which　served　him　for　exercise　yard；　would　seem
at　times　restive　and　frightened；　moving　his　wings　as　if　flying　in
spirit；　and　sad　that　he　must　stay　on　earth。

So；　too；　at　her　window　Barbara　fluttered　her　wings；　then；　getting
into　bed；　lay　sighing　and　tossing。　　A　clock　struck　three；　and　seized
by　an　intolerable　impatience　at　her　own　discomfort；　she　slipped　a
motor　coat　over　her　night…gown；　put　on　slippers；　and　stole　out　into
the　passage。　　The　house　was　very　still。　　She　crept　downstairs；
smothering　her　footsteps。　　Groping　her　way　through　the　hall；
inhabited　by　the　thin　ghosts　of　would…be　light；　she　slid　back　the
chain　of　the　door；　and　fled　towards　the　sea。　　She　made　no　more　noise
running　in　the　dew；　than　a　bird　following　the　paths　of　air；　and　the
two　ponies；　who　felt　her　figure　pass　in　the　darkness；　snuffled；
sending　out　soft　sighs　of　alarm　amongst　the　closed　buttercups。　　She
climbed　the　wall　over　to　the　beach。　　While　she　was　running；　she　had
fully　meant　to　dash　into　the　sea　and　cool　herself；　but　it　was　so
black；　with　just　a　thin　edging　scarf　of　white；　and　the　sky　was　black；
bereft　of　lights；　waiting　for　the　day！

She　stood；　and　looked。　　And　all　the　leapings　and　pulsings　of　flesh
and　spirit　slowly　died　in　that　wide　dark　loneliness；　where　the　only
sound　was　the　wistful　breaking　of　small　waves。　　She　was　well　used　to
these　dead　hoursonly　last　night；　at　this　very　time；　Harbinger's　arm
had　been　round　her　in　a　last　waltz！　　But　here　the　dead　hours　had　such
different　faces；　wide…eyed；　solemn；　and　there　came　to　Barbara；
staring　out　at　them；　a　sense　that　the　darkness　saw　her　very　soul；　so
that　it　felt　little　and　timid　within　her。　　She　shivered　in　her　fur…
lined　coat；　as　if　almost　frightened　at　finding　herself　so
marvellously　nothing　before　that　black　sky　and　dark　sea；　which　seemed
all　one；　relentlessly　great。。。。　　And　crouching　down；　she　waited　for
the　dawn　to　break。

It　came　from　over　the　Downs；　sweeping　a　rush　of　cold　air　on　its
wings；　flighting　towards　the　sea。　　With　it　the　daring　soon　crept　back
into　her　blood。　　She　stripped；　and　ran　down　into　the　dark　water；　fast
growing　pale。　　It　covered　her　jealously；　and　she　set　to　work　to　swim。
The　water　was　warmer　than　the　air。　　She　lay　on　her　back　and　splashed；
watching　the　sky　flush。　　To　bathe　like　this　in　the　half…dark；　with
her　hair　floating　out；　and　no　wet　clothes　clinging　to　her　limbs；　gave
her　the　joy　of　a　child　doing　a　naughty　thing。　　She　swam　out　of　her
depth；　then　scared　at　her　own　adventure；　swam　in　again　as　the　sun
rose。

She　dashed　into　her　two　garments；　climbed　the　wall；　and　scurried　back
to　the　house。　　All　her　dejection；　and　feverish　uncertainty　were　gone；
she　felt　keen；　fresh；　terribly　hungry；　and　stealing　into　the　dark
dining…room；　began　rummaging　for　food。　　She　found　biscuits；　and　was
still　munching；　when　in　the　open　doorway　she　saw　Lord　Dennis；　a
pistol　in　one　hand　and　a　lighted　candle　in　the　other。　　With　his
carved　features　and　white　beard　above　an　old　blue　dressing…gown；　he
looked　impressive；　having　at　the　moment　a　distinct　resemblance　to
Lady　Casterley；　as　though　danger　had　armoured　him　in　steel。

〃You　call　this　resting！〃　he　said；　dryly；　then；　looking　at　her　drowned
hair；　added：　〃I　see　you　have　already　entrusted　your　trouble　to　the
waters　of　Lethe。〃

But　without　answer　Barbara　vanished　into　the　dim　hall　and　up　the
stairs。




CHAPTER　IV

While　Barbara　was　swimming　to　meet　the　dawn；　Miltoun　was　bathing　in
those　waters　of　mansuetude　and　truth　which　roll　from　wall　to　wall　in
the　British　House　of　Commons。

In　that　long　debate　on　the　Land　question；　for　which　he　had　waited　to
make　his　first　speech；　he　had　already　risen　nine　times　without
catching　the　Speaker's　eye；　and　slowly　a　sense　of　unreality　was
creeping　over　him。　　Surely　this　great　Chamber；　where　without　end　rose
the　small　sound　of　a　single　human　voice；　and　queer　mechanical　bursts
of　approbation　and　resentment；　did　not　exist　at　all　but　as　a　gigantic
fancy　of　his　own！　　And　all　these　figures　were　figments　of　his　brain！
And　when　he　at　last　spoke；　it　would　be　himself　alone　that　he
addressed！　　The　torpid　air　tainted　with　human　breath；　the　unwinking
stare　of　the　countless　lights；　the　long　rows　of　seats；　the　queer
distant　rounds　of　pale　listening　flesh　perched　up　so　high；　they　were
all　emanations　of　himself！　　Even　the　coming　and　going　in　the　gangway
was　but　the　coming　and　going　of　little　wilful　parts　of　him！　　And
rustling　deep　down　in　this　Titanic　creature　of　his　fancy　was　'the
murmuration'　of　his　own　unspoken　speech；　sweeping　away　the　puff　balls
of　words　flung　up　by　that　far…away；　small；　varying　voice。

Then；　suddenly　all　that　dream　creature　had　vanished；　he　was　on　his
feet；　with　a　thumping　heart；　speaking。

Soon　he　had　no　tremors；　only　a　dim　consciousness　that　his　words
sounded　strange；　and　a　queer　icy　pleasure　in　flinging　them　out　into
the　silence。　　Round　him　there　seemed　no　longer　men；　only　mouths　and
eyes。　　And　he　had　enjoyment　in　the　feeling　that　with　these　words　of
his　he　was　holding　those　hungry　mouths　and　eyes　dumb　and　unmoving。
Then　he　knew　that　he　had　reached　the　end　of　what　he　had　to　say；　and
sat　down；　remaining　motionless　in　the　centre　of　a　various　sound；
staring　at　the　back　of　the　head　in　front　of　him；　with　his　hands
clasped　round　his　knee。　　And　soon；　when　that　little　faraway　voice　was
once　more　speaking；　he　took　his　hat；　and　glancing　neither　to　right
nor　left；　went　out。

Instead　of　the　sensation　of　relief　and　wild　elation　which　fills　the
heart　of　those　who　have　taken　the　first　plunge；　Miltoun　had　nothing
in　his　deep　dark　well　but　the　waters　of　bitterness。　　In　truth；　with
the　delivery　of　that　speech　he　had　but　parted　with　what　had　been　a
sort　of　anodyne　to　suffering。　　He　had　only　put　the　fine　point　on　his
conviction；　of　how　vain　was　his　career　now　that　he　could　not　share　it
with　Audrey　Noel。　　He　walked　slowly　towards　the　Temple；　along　the
riverside；　where　the　lamps　were　paling　into　nothingness　before　that
daily　celebration　of　Divinity；　the　meeting　of　dark　and　light。

For　Miltoun　was　not　one　of　those　who　take　things　lying　down；　he　took
things　desperately；　deeply；　and　with　revolt。　　He　took　them　like　a
rider　riding　himself；　plunging　at　the　dig　of　his　own　spurs；　chafing
and　wincing　at　the　cruel　tugs　of　his　own　bitt；　bearing　in　his
friendless；　proud　heart　all　the　burden　of　struggles　which　shallower
or　more　genial　natures　shared　with　others。

He　looked　hardly　less　haggard；　walking　home；　than　some　of　those
homeless　ones　who　slept　nightly　by　the　river；　as　though　they　knew
that　to　lie　near　one　who　could　so　readily　grant　oblivion；　alone　could
save　them　from　seeking　that　consolation。　　He　was　perhaps　unhappier
than　they；　whose　spirits；　at　all　events；　had　long　ceased　to　worry
them；　having　oozed　out　from　their　bodies　under　the　foot　of　Life：

Now　that　Audrey　Noel　was　lost　to　him；　her　loveliness　and　that
indescribable　quality　which　made　her　lovable；　floated　before　him；　the
very　torture…flowers　of　a　beauty　never　to　be　graspedyet；　that　he
could　grasp；　'if　he　only　would！　　That　was　the　heart　and　fervour　of
his　suffering。　　To　be　grasped　if　he　only　would！　　He　was　suffering；
too；　physically　from　a　kind　of　slow　fever；　the　result　of　his　wetting
on　the　day　when　he　last　saw　her。　　And　through　that　latent　fever；
things　and　feelings；　like　his　sensations　in　the　House　before　his
speech；　were　all　as　it　were　muffled　in　a　horrible　way；　as　if　they　all
came　to　him　wrapped　in　a　sort　of　flannel　coating；　through　which　he
could　not　cut。　　And　all　the　time　there　seemed　to　be　within　him　two
men　at　mortal　grips　with　one　another；　the　man　of　faith　in　divine
sanction　and　authority；　on　which　all　his　beliefs　had　hitherto　hinged；
and　a　desperate　warm…blooded　hungry　creature。　　He　was　very　miserable；
craving　strangely　for　the　society　of　someone　who　could　understand
what　he　was　feeling；　。and；　from　long　habit　of　making　no　confidants；
not　knowing　how　to　satisfy　that　craving。

It　was　dawn　when　he　reached　his　rooms；　and；　sure　that　he　would　not
sleep；　he　did　not　even　go　to　bed；　but　changed　his　clothes；　made
himself　some　coffee；　and　sat　down　at　the　window　which　overlooked　the
flowered　courtyard。

In　Middle　Temple　Hall　a　Ball　was　still　in　progress；　though　the
glamour　from　its　Chinese　lanterns　was　already　darkened　and　gone。
Miltoun　saw　a　man　and　a　girl；　sheltered　by　an　old　fountain；　sitting
out　their　last　dance。　　Her　head　had　sunk　on　her　partner's　shoulder；
their　lips　were　joined。　　And　there　floated　up　to　the　window　the　scent
of　heliotrope；　with　the　tune　of　the　waltz　that　those