the patrician-第43章

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William　handed　her　a　note。　　She　looked　at　the　superscription。　　It　was
from　Courtier。　　She　went　back　into　the　room。　　Through　its　half…closed
door　the　figure　of　little　Ann　could　be　seen；　with　her　legs　rather
wide　apart；　and　her　hands　clasped　on　her　low…down　belt；　pointing　up
at　William　her　sudden　little　nose。　　Barbara　shut　the　door　abruptly；
broke　the　seal；　and　read：


〃DEAR　LADY　BARBARA；

〃I　am　sorry　to　say　my　interview　with　your　brother　was　fruitless。

〃I　happened　to　be　sitting　in　the　Park　just　now；　and　I　want　to　wish
you　every　happiness　before　I　go。　　It　has　been　the　greatest　pleasure
to　know　you。　　I　shall　never　have　a　thought　of　you　that　will　not　be　my
pride；　nor　a　memory　that　will　not　help　me　to　believe　that　life　is
good。　　If　I　am　tempted　to　feel　that　things　are　dark；　I　shall　remember
that　you　are　breathing　this　same　mortal　air。　　And　to　beauty　and　joy'
I　shall　take　off　my　hat　with　the　greater　reverence；　that　once　I　was
permitted　to　walk　and　talk；　with　you。　　And　so；　good…bye；　and　God
bless　you。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Your　faithful　servant；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　〃CHARLES　COURTIER。〃


Her　cheeks　burned；　quick　sighs　escaped　her　lips；　she　read　the　letter
again；　but　before　getting　to　the　end　could　not　see　the　words　for
mist。　　If　in　that　letter　there　had　been　a　word　of　complaint　or　even
of　regret！　　She　could　not　let　him　go　like　this；　without　good…bye；
without　any　explanation　at　all。　　He　should　not　think　of　her　as　a
cold；　stony　flirt；　who　had　been　merely　stealing　a　few　weeks'
amusement　out　of　him。　　She　would　explain　to　him　at　all　events　that　it
had　not　been　that。　　She　would　make　him　understand　that　it　was　not
what　he　thoughtthat　something　in　her　wantedwanted！　　Her　mind
was　all　confused。　　〃What　was　it？〃　she　thought：　〃What　did　I　do？〃　And
sore　with　anger　at　herself；　she　screwed　the　letter　up　in　her　glove；
and　ran　out。　　She　walked　swiftly　down　to　Piccadilly；　and　crossed　into
the　Green　Park。　　There　she　passed　Lord　Malvezin　and　a　friend
strolling　up　towards　Hyde　Park　Corner；　and　gave　them　a　very　faint
bow。　　The　composure　of　those　two　precise　and　well…groomed　figures
sickened　her　just　then。　　She　wanted　to　run；　to　fly　to　this　meeting
that　should　remove　from　him　the　odious　feelings　he　must　have；　that
she；　Barbara　Caradoc；　was　a　vulgar　enchantress；　a　common　traitress
and　coquette！　　And　his　letterwithout　a　syllable　of　reproach！　　Her
cheeks　burned　so；　that　she　could　not　help　trying　to　hide　them　from
people　who　passed。

As　she　drew　nearer　to　his　rooms　she　walked　slower；　forcing　herself　to
think　what　she　should　do；　what　she　should　let　him　do！　　But　she
continued　resolutely　forward。　　She　would　not　shrink　nowwhatever
came　of　it！　　Her　heart　fluttered；　seemed　to　stop　beating；　fluttered
again。　　She　set　her　teeth；　a　sort　of　desperate　hilarity　rose　in　her。
It　was　an　adventure！　　Then　she　was　gripped　by　the　feeling　that　had
come　to　her　on　the　roof。　　The　whole　thing　was　bizarre；　ridiculous！
She　stopped；　and　drew　the　letter　from　her　glove。　　It　might　be
ridiculous；　but　it　was　due　from　her；　and　closing　her　lips　very　tight；
she　walked　on。　　In　thought　she　was　already　standing　close　to　him；　her
eyes　shut；　waiting；　with　her　heart　beating　wildly；　to　know　what　she
would　feel　when　his　lips　had　spoken；　perhaps　touched　her　face　or
hand。　　And　she　had　a　sort　of　mirage　vision　of　herself；　with　eyelashes
resting　on　her　cheeks；　lips　a　little　parted；　arms　helpless　at　her
sides。　　Yet；　incomprehensibly；　his　figure　was　invisible。　　She
discovered　then　that　she　was　standing　before　his　door。

She　rang　the　bell　calmly；　but　instead　of　dropping　her　hand；　pressed
the　little　bare　patch　of　palm　left　open　by　the　glove　to　her　face；　to
see　whether　it　was　indeed　her　own　cheek　flaming　so。

The　door　had　been　opened　by　some　unseen　agency；　disclosing　a　passage
and　flight　of　stairs　covered　by　a　red　carpet；　at　the　foot　of　which
lay　an　old；　tangled；　brown…white　dog　full　of　fleas　and　sorrow。
Unreasoning　terror　seized　on　Barbara；　her　body　remained　rigid；　but
her　spirit　began　flying　back　across　the　Green　Park；　to　the　very　hall
of　Valleys　House。　　Then　she　saw　coming　towards　her　a　youngish　woman
in　a　blue　apron；　with　mild；　reddened　eyes。

〃Is　this　where　Mr。　Courtier　lives？〃

〃Yes；　miss。〃　　The　teeth　of　the　young　woman　were　few　in　number　and
rather　black；　and　Barbara　could　only　stand　there　saying　nothing；　as
if　her　body　had　been　deserted　between　the　sunlight　and　this　dim　red
passage；　which　led　to…what？

The　woman　spoke　again：

〃I'm　sorry　if　you　was　wanting　him；　miss；　he's　just　gone　away。〃

Barbara　felt　a　movement　in　her　heart；　like　the　twang　and　quiver　of　an
elastic　band；　suddenly　relaxed。　　She　bent　to　stroke　the　head　of　the
old　dog；　who　was　smelling　her　shoes。　　The　woman　said：

〃And；　of　course；　I　can't　give　you　his　address；　because　he's　gone　to
foreign　parts。〃

With　a　murmur；　of　whose　sense　she　knew　nothing；　Barbara　hurried　out
into　the　sunshine。　　Was　she　glad？　　Was　she　sorry？　　At　the　corner　of
the　street　she　turned　and　looked　back；　the　two　heads；　of　the　woman
and　the　dog；　were　there　still；　poked　out　through　the　doorway。

A　horrible　inclination　to　laugh　seized　her；　followed　by　as　horrible　a
desire　to　cry。




CHAPTER　XXVI

By　the　river　the　West　wind；　whose　murmuring　had　visited　Courtier　and
Miltoun　the　night　before；　was　bringing　up　the　first　sky　of　autumn。
Slow…creeping　and　fleecy　grey；　the　clouds　seemed　trying　to　overpower
a　sun　that　shone　but　fitfully　even　thus　early　in　the　day。　　While
Audrey　Noel　was　dressing　sunbeams　danced　desperately　on　the　white
wall；　like　little　lost　souls　with　no　to…morrow；　or　gnats　that　wheel
and　wheel　in　brief　joy；　leaving　no　footmarks　on　the　air。　　Through　the
chinks　of　a　side　window　covered　by　a　dark　blind　some　smoky　filaments
of　light　were　tethered　to　the　back　of　her　mirror。　　Compounded　of
trembling　grey　spirals；　so　thick　to　the　eye　that　her　hand　felt
astonishment　when　it　failed　to　grasp　them；　and　so　jealous　as　ghosts
of　the　space　they　occupied；　they　brought　a　moment's　distraction　to　a
heart　not　happy。　　For　how　could　she　be　happy；　her　lover　away　from　her
now　thirty　hours；　without　having　overcome　with　his　last　kisses　the
feeling　of　disaster　which　had　settled　on　her　when　he　told　her　of　his
resolve。　　Her　eyes　had　seen　deeper　than　his；　her　instinct　had
received　a　message　from　Fate。

To　be　the　dragger…down；　the　destroyer　of　his　usefulness；　to　be　not
the　helpmate；　but　the　clog；　not　the　inspiring　sky；　but　the　cloud！
And　because　of　a　scruple　which　she　could　not　understand！　　She　had　no
anger　with　that　unintelligible　scruple；　but　her　fatalism；　and　her
sympathy　had　followed　it　out　into　his　future。　　Things　being　so；　it
could　not　be　long　before　he　felt　that　her　love　was　maiming　him；　even
if　he　went　on　desiring　her；　it　would　be　only　with　his　body。　　And　if；
for　this　scruple；　he　were　capable　of　giving　up　his　public　life；　he
would　be　capable　of　living　on　with　her　after　his　love　was　dead！　　This
thought　she　could　not　bear。　　It　stung　to　the　very　marrow　of　her
nerves。　　And　yet　surely　Life　could　not　be　so　cruel　as　to　have　given
her　such　happiness　meaning　to　take　it　from　her！　　Surely　her　love　was
not　to　be　only　one　summer's　day；　his　love　but　an　embrace；　and　then
for　ever　nothing！

This　morning；　fortified　by　despair；　she　admitted　her　own　beauty。　　He
would；　he　must　want　her　more　than　that　other　life；　at　the　very
thought　of　which　her　face　darkened。　　That　other　life　so　hard；　and　far
from　her！　　So　loveless；　formal；　and　yetto　him　so　real；　so
desperately；　accursedly　real！　　If　he　must　indeed　give　up　his　career；
then　surely　the　life　they　could　live　together　would　make　up　to　him
a　life　among　simple　and　sweet　things；　all　over　the　world；　with　music
and　pictures；　and　the　flowers　and　all　Nature；　and　friends　who　sought
them　for　themselves；　and　in　being　kind　to　everyone；　and　helping　the
poor　and　the　unfortunate；　and　loving　each　other！　　But　he　did　not　want
that　sort　of　life！　　What　was　the　good　of　pretending　that　he　did？　　It
was　right　and　natural　he　should　want；　to　use　his　powers！　　To　lead　and
serve！　　She　would　not　have　him　otherwise：　With　these　thoughts
hovering　and　darting　within　her；　she　went　on　twisting　and　coiling　her
dark　hair；　and　burying　her　heart　beneath　its　lace　defences。　　She
noted　too；　with　her　usual　care；　two　fading　blossoms　in　the　bowl　of
flowers　on　her　dressing…table；　and；　removing　their；　emptied　out　the
water　and　refilled　the　bowl。

Before　she　left　her　bedroom　the　sunbeams　had　already　ceased　to　dance；
the　grey　filaments　of　light　were　gone。　　Autumn　sky　had　come　into　its
own。　　Passing　the　mirror　in　the　hall　which　was　always　rough　with　her；
she　had　not　courage　to　glance　at　it。　　Then　suddenly　a　woman's　belief
in　the　power　of　her　charm　came　to　her　aid；　she　felt　almost　happy
surely　he　must　love　her　better　than　his　conscience！　　But　that
confidence　was　very　tremulous；　ready　to　yield　to　the　first　rebuff。
Even　the　friendly　freshcheeked　maid　seemed　that　morning　to　be
regarding　her　with　compassion；　and　all　the　innate　sense；　not　of　'good
form；'　but　of　form；　which　made　her　shrink　from　anything　that　should
disturb　or　hurt　another；　or　make　anyone　think　she　was　to　be　pitied；
rose　up　at　once　within　her；　she　became　more　than　ever　careful　to　show
nothing　even　to　herself。　　So　she　passed　the　morning；　mechanically
doing　the　little　usual　things。　　An　overpowering　longing　was　with　her
all　the　time；　to　get　him　away　with　her　from　England；　and　see　whether
the　thousand　beauties　she　could　show　him　would　not　fire　him　with　love
of　the　things　she　loved。　　As　a　girl　she　had　spent　nearly　three　years
abroad。　　And　Eustace　had　never　been　to　Italy；　nor　to　her　beloved
mountain　valleys！　　Then；　the　remembrance　of　his　rooms　at　the　Temple
broke　in　on　that　vision；　and　shattered　it。　　No　Titian's　feast　of
gentian；　tawny　brown；　and　alpen…rose　could　intoxicate　the　lover　of
those　books；　those　papers；　that　great　map。　　And　the　scent　of　leather
came　to　her　now　as　poignantly　as　if　she　were　once　more　flitting　about
noiselessly　on　her　business　of　nursing。　　Then　there　rushed　through
her　again　the　warm　wonderful　sense　that　had　been　with　her　all　those
precious　daysof　love　that　knew　secretly　of　its　approaching　triumph
and　fulfilment；　the　delicious　sense　of　giving　every　minute　of　her
time；　every　thought；　and　movement；　and　all　the　sweet　unconscious
waiting　for　the　divine；　irrevocable　moment　when　at　last　she　would
give　herself　and　be　his。　　The　remembrance　too　of　how　tired；　how
sacredly　tired　she　had　been；　and　of　how　she　had　smiled　all　the　time
with　her　inner　joy　of　being　tired　for　him。

The　sound　of　the　bell　startled　her。　　His　telegram　had　said；　the
afternoon！　　She　determined　to　show　nothing　of　the　trouble　darkening
the　whole　world　for　her；　and　drew　a　deep　breath；　waiting　for　his
kiss。

It　was　not　Miltoun；　but　Lady　Casterley。

The　shock　sent　the　blood　buzzing　into　her　temples。　　Then　she　noticed
that　the　little　figure　before　her　was　also　trembling；　drawing　up　a
chair；　she　said：　〃Won't　you　sit　down？〃

The　tone　of　that　old　voice；　thanking　her；　brought　back　sharply　the
memory　of　her　garden；　at　Monkland；　bathed　in　the　sweetness　and
shimmer　of　summer；　and　of　Barbara　standing　at　her　gate　towering　above
this　little　figure；　which　now　sat　there　so　silent；　with　very　white
fac