winesburg,ohio-第15章
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Then we can travel together all over the world。〃
In the dry goods store weeks ran into months and months into years as Alice waited and dreamed of her lover's return。 Her employer； a grey old man with false teeth and a thin grey mustache that drooped down over his mouth； was not given to conversation； and sometimes； on rainy days and in the winter when a storm raged in Main Street； long hours passed when no customers came in。 Alice ar… ranged and rearranged the stock。 She stood near the front window where she could look down the de… serted street and thought of the evenings when she had walked with Ned Currie and of what he had said。 〃We will have to stick to each other now。〃 The words echoed and re…echoed through the mind of the maturing woman。 Tears came into her eyes。 Sometimes when her employer had gone out and she was alone in the store she put her head on the counter and wept。 〃Oh； Ned； I am waiting；〃 she whispered over and over； and all the time the creep… ing fear that he would never come back grew stronger within her。
In the spring when the rains have passed and be… fore the long hot days of summer have come； the country about Winesburg is delightful。 The town lies in the midst of open fields； but beyond the fields are pleasant patches of woodlands。 In the wooded places are many little cloistered nooks； quiet places where lovers go to sit on Sunday afternoons。 Through the trees they look out across the fields and see farmers at work about the barns or people driving up and down on the roads。 In the town bells ring and occasionally a train passes； looking like a toy thing in the distance。
For several years after Ned Currie went away Alice did not go into the wood with the other young people on Sunday； but one day after he had been gone for two or three years and when her loneliness seemed unbearable； she put on her best dress and set out。 Finding a little sheltered place from which she could see the town and a long stretch of the fields； she sat down。 Fear of age and ineffectuality took possession of her。 She could not sit still； and arose。 As she stood looking out over the land some… thing； perhaps the thought of never ceasing life as it expresses itself in the flow of the seasons； fixed her mind on the passing years。 With a shiver of dread； she realized that for her the beauty and fresh… ness of youth had passed。 For the first time she felt that she had been cheated。 She did not blame Ned Currie and did not know what to blame。 Sadness swept over her。 Dropping to her knees； she tried to pray； but instead of prayers words of protest came to her lips。 〃It is not going to come to me。 I will never find happiness。 Why do I tell myself lies？〃 she cried； and an odd sense of relief came with this； her first bold attempt to face the fear that had be… come a part of her everyday life。
In the year when Alice Hindman became twenty… five two things happened to disturb the dull un… eventfulness of her days。 Her mother married Bush Milton； the carriage painter of Winesburg； and she herself became a member of the Winesburg Method… ist Church。 Alice joined the church because she had become frightened by the loneliness of her position in life。 Her mother's second marriage had empha… sized her isolation。 〃I am becoming old and queer。 If Ned comes he will not want me。 In the city where he is living men are perpetually young。 There is so much going on that they do not have time to grow old；〃 she told herself with a grim little smile； and went resolutely about the business of becoming ac… quainted with people。 Every Thursday evening when the store had closed she went to a prayer meeting in the basement of the church and on Sunday evening attended a meeting of an organization called The Epworth League。
When Will Hurley； a middle…aged man who clerked in a drug store and who also belonged to the church； offered to walk home with her she did not protest。 〃Of course I will not let him make a practice of being with me； but if he comes to see me once in a long time there can be no harm in that；〃 she told herself； still determined in her loyalty to Ned Currie。
Without realizing what was happening； Alice was trying feebly at first； but with growing determina… tion； to get a new hold upon life。 Beside the drug clerk she walked in silence； but sometimes in the darkness as they went stolidly along she put out her hand and touched softly the folds of his coat。 When he left her at the gate before her mother's house she did not go indoors； but stood for a moment by the door。 She wanted to call to the drug clerk； to ask him to sit with her in the darkness on the porch before the house； but was afraid he would not un… derstand。 〃It is not him that I want；〃 she told her… self； 〃I want to avoid being so much alone。 If I am not careful I will grow unaccustomed to being with people。〃
During the early fall of her twenty…seventh year a passionate restlessness took possession of Alice。 She could not bear to be in the company of the drug clerk； and when； in the evening； he came to walk with her she sent him away。 Her mind became in… tensely active and when； weary from the long hours of standing behind the counter in the store； she went home and crawled into bed； she could not sleep。 With staring eyes she looked into the dark… ness。 Her imagination； like a child awakened from long sleep； played about the room。 Deep within her there was something that would not be cheated by phantasies and that demanded some definite answer from life。
Alice took a pillow into her arms and held it tightly against her breasts。 Getting out of bed； she arranged a blanket so that in the darkness it looked like a form lying between the sheets and； kneeling beside the bed； she caressed it； whispering words over and over； like a refrain。 〃Why doesn't some… thing happen？ Why am I left here alone？〃 she mut… tered。 Although she sometimes thought of Ned Currie； she no longer depended on him。 Her desire had grown vague。 She did not want Ned Currie or any other man。 She wanted to be loved； to have something answer the call that was growing louder and louder within her。
And then one night when it rained Alice had an adventure。 It frightened and confused her。 She had come home from the store at nine and found the house empty。 Bush Milton had gone off to town and her mother to the house of a neighbor。 Alice went upstairs to her room and undressed in the darkness。 For a moment she stood by the window hearing the rain beat against the glass and then a strange desire took possession of her。 Without stopping to think of what she intended to do； she ran downstairs through the dark house and out into the rain。 As she stood on the little grass plot before the house and felt the cold rain on her body a mad desire to run naked through the streets took possession of her。
She thought that the rain would have some cre… ative and wonderful effect on her body。 Not for years had she felt so full of youth and courage。 She wanted to leap and run； to cry out； to find some other lonely human and embrace him。 On the brick sidewalk before the house a man stumbled home… ward。 Alice started to run。 A wild； desperate mood took possession of her。 〃What do I care who it is。 He is alone； and I will go to him；〃 she thought； and then without stopping to consider the possible result of her madness； called softly。 〃Wait！〃 she cried。 〃Don't go away。 Whoever you are； you must wait。〃
The man on the sidewalk stopped and stood lis… tening。 He was an old man and somewhat deaf。 Putting his hand to his mouth； he shouted。 〃What？ What say？〃 he called。
Alice dropped to the ground and lay trembling。 She was so frightened at the thought of what she had done that when the man had gone on his way she did not dare get to her feet； but crawled on hands and knees through the grass to the house。 When she got to her own room she bolted the door and drew her dressing table across the doorway。 Her body shook as with a chill and her hands trem… bled so that she had difficulty getting into her night… dress。 When she got into bed she buried her face in the pillow and wept brokenheartedly。 〃What is the matter with me？ I will do something dreadful if I am not careful；〃 she thought； and turning her face to the wall； began trying to force herself to face bravely the fact that many people must live and die alone； even in Winesburg。
RESPECTABILITY
IF YOU HAVE lived in cities and have walked in the park on a summer afternoon； you have perhaps seen； blinking in a corner of his iron cage； a huge； grotesque kind of monkey； a creature with ugly； sag… ging； hairless skin below his eyes and a bright pur… ple underbody。 This monkey is a true monster。 In the completeness of his ugliness he achieved a kind of perverted beauty。 Children stopping before the cage are fascinated； men turn away with an air of disgust； and women linger for a moment； trying per… haps to remember which one of their male acquain… tances the thing in some faint way resembles。
Had you been in the earlier years of your life a citizen of the village of Winesburg； Ohio； there would have been for you no mystery in regard to the beast in his cage。 〃It is like Wash Williams；〃 you would have said。 〃As he sits in the corner there； the beast is exactly like old Wash sitting on the grass in the station yard on a summer evening after he has closed his office for the night。〃
Wash Williams； the telegraph operator of Wines… burg； was the ugliest thing in town。 His girth was immense； his neck thin； his legs feeble。 He was dirty。 Everything about him was unclean。 Even the whites of his eyes looked soiled。
I go too fast。 Not everything about Wash was un… clean。 He took care of his hands。 His fingers were fat； but there was something sensitive and shapely in the hand that lay on the table by the instrument in the telegraph office。 In his youth Wash Williams had been called the best telegraph operator in the state； and in spite of his degradement to the obscure office at Winesburg； he was still proud of his ability。
Wash Williams did not associate with the men of the town in which he lived。 〃I'll have nothing to do with them；〃 he said； looking with bleary eyes at the men who walked along the station platform past the telegraph office。 Up along Main Street he went in the evening to Ed Griffith's saloon； and after drink… ing unbelievable quantities of beer staggered off to his room in the New Willard House and to his bed for the night。
Wash Williams was a man of courage。 A thing had happened to him that made him hate life； and he hated it wholeheartedly； with the abandon of a poet。 First of all； he hated women。 〃Bitches；〃 he called them。 His feeling toward men was somewhat different。 He pitied them。 〃Does not every man let his life be managed for him by some bitch or an… other？〃 he asked。
In Winesburg no attention was paid to Wash Wil… liams and his hatred of his fellows。 Once Mrs。 White； the banker's wife； complained to the tele… graph company； saying that the office in Winesburg was dirty and smelled abominably； but nothing came of her complaint。 Here and there a man re… spected the operator。 Instinctively the man felt in him a glowing resentment of something he had not the courage
