winesburg,ohio-第33章
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h a little gasp he sees himself as merely a leaf blown by the wind through the streets of his village。 He knows that in spite of all the stout talk of his fellows he must live and die in uncertainty； a thing blown by the winds； a thing destined like corn to wilt in the sun。 He shivers and looks eagerly about。 The eighteen years he has lived seem but a moment； a breathing space in the long march of humanity。 Already he hears death calling。 With all his heart he wants to come close to some other human； touch someone with his hands； be touched by the hand of another。 If he prefers that the other be a woman； that is because he believes that a woman will be gentle； that she will under… stand。 He wants； most of all； understanding。
When the moment of sophistication came to George Willard his mind turned to Helen White； the Wines… burg banker's daughter。 Always he had been con… scious of the girl growing into womanhood as he grew into manhood。 Once on a summer night when he was eighteen； he had walked with her on a coun… try road and in her presence had given way to an impulse to boast； to make himself appear big and significant in her eyes。 Now he wanted to see her for another purpose。 He wanted to tell her of the new impulses that had come to him。 He had tried to make her think of him as a man when he knew nothing of manhood and now he wanted to be with her and to try to make her feel the change he be… lieved had taken place in his nature。
As for Helen White； she also had come to a period of change。 What George felt； she in her young wom… an's way felt also。 She was no longer a girl and hungered to reach into the grace and beauty of womanhood。 She had come home from Cleveland； where she was attending college； to spend a day at the Fair。 She also had begun to have memories。 Dur… ing the day she sat in the grand…stand with a young man； one of the instructors from the college； who was a guest of her mother's。 The young man was of a pedantic turn of mind and she felt at once he would not do for her purpose。 At the Fair she was glad to be seen in his company as he was well dressed and a stranger。 She knew that the fact of his presence would create an impression。 During the day she was happy； but when night came on she began to grow restless。 She wanted to drive the in… structor away； to get out of his presence。 While they sat together in the grand…stand and while the eyes of former schoolmates were upon them； she paid so much attention to her escort that he grew interested。 〃A scholar needs money。 I should marry a woman with money；〃 he mused。
Helen White was thinking of George Willard even as he wandered gloomily through the crowds think… ing of her。 She remembered the summer evening when they had walked together and wanted to walk with him again。 She thought that the months she had spent in the city； the going to theaters and the seeing of great crowds wandering in lighted thor… oughfares； had changed her profoundly。 She wanted him to feel and be conscious of the change in her nature。
The summer evening together that had left its mark on the memory of both the young man and woman had； when looked at quite sensibly； been rather stupidly spent。 They had walked out of town along a country road。 Then they had stopped by a fence near a field of young corn and George had taken off his coat and let it hang on his arm。 〃Well； I've stayed here in WinesburgyesI've not yet gone away but I'm growing up；〃 he had said。 〃I've been reading books and I've been thinking。 I'm going to try to amount to something in life。
〃Well；〃 he explained； 〃that isn't the point。 Per… haps I'd better quit talking。〃
The confused boy put his hand on the girl's arm。 His voice trembled。 The two started to walk back along the road toward town。 In his desperation George boasted； 〃I'm going to be a big man； the biggest that ever lived here in Winesburg；〃 he de… clared。 〃I want you to do something； I don't know what。 Perhaps it is none of my business。 I want you to try to be different from other women。 You see the point。 It's none of my business I tell you。 I want you to be a beautiful woman。 You see what I want。〃
The boy's voice failed and in silence the two came back into town and went along the street to Helen White's house。 At the gate he tried to say something impressive。 Speeches he had thought out came into his head； but they seemed utterly pointless。 〃I thoughtI used to thinkI had it in my mind you would marry Seth Richmond。 Now I know you won't；〃 was all he could find to say as she went through the gate and toward the door of her house。
On the warm fall evening as he stood in the stair… way and looked at the crowd drifting through Main Street； George thought of the talk beside the field of young corn and was ashamed of the figure he had made of himself。 In the street the people surged up and down like cattle confined in a pen。 Buggies and wagons almost filled the narrow thoroughfare。 A band played and small boys raced along the side… walk； diving between the legs of men。 Young men with shining red faces walked awkwardly about with girls on their arms。 In a room above one of the stores； where a dance was to be held； the fiddlers tuned their instruments。 The broken sounds floated down through an open window and out across the murmur of voices and the loud blare of the horns of the band。 The medley of sounds got on young Willard's nerves。 Everywhere； on all sides； the sense of crowding； moving life closed in about him。 He wanted to run away by himself and think。 〃If she wants to stay with that fellow she may。 Why should I care？ What difference does it make to me？〃 he growled and went along Main Street and through Hern's Grocery into a side street。
George felt so utterly lonely and dejected that he wanted to weep but pride made him walk rapidly along； swinging his arms。 He came to Wesley Moy… er's livery barn and stopped in the shadows to listen to a group of men who talked of a race Wesley's stallion； Tony Tip； had won at the Fair during the afternoon。 A crowd had gathered in front of the barn and before the crowd walked Wesley； prancing up and down boasting。 He held a whip in his hand and kept tapping the ground。 Little puffs of dust arose in the lamplight。 〃Hell； quit your talking；〃 Wesley exclaimed。 〃I wasn't afraid； I knew I had 'em beat all the time。 I wasn't afraid。〃
Ordinarily George Willard would have been in… tensely interested in the boasting of Moyer； the horseman。 Now it made him angry。 He turned and hurried away along the street。 〃Old windbag；〃 he sputtered。 〃Why does he want to be bragging？ Why don't he shut up？〃
George went into a vacant lot and； as he hurried along； fell over a pile of rubbish。 A nail protruding from an empty barrel tore his trousers。 He sat down on the ground and swore。 With a pin he mended the torn place and then arose and went on。 〃I'll go to Helen White's house； that's what I'll do。 I'll walk right in。 I'll say that I want to see her。 I'll walk right in and sit down； that's what I'll do；〃 he declared； climbing over a fence and beginning to run。
On the veranda of Banker White's house Helen was restless and distraught。 The instructor sat be… tween the mother and daughter。 His talk wearied the girl。 Although he had also been raised in an Ohio town； the instructor began to put on the airs of the city。 He wanted to appear cosmopolitan。 〃I like the chance you have given me to study the back… ground out of which most of our girls come；〃 he declared。 〃It was good of you； Mrs。 White； to have me down for the day。〃 He turned to Helen and laughed。 〃Your life is still bound up with the life of this town？〃 he asked。 〃There are people here in whom you are interested？〃 To the girl his voice sounded pompous and heavy。
Helen arose and went into the house。 At the door leading to a garden at the back she stopped and stood listening。 Her mother began to talk。 〃There is no one here fit to associate with a girl of Helen's breeding；〃 she said。
Helen ran down a flight of stairs at the back of the house and into the garden。 In the darkness she stopped and stood trembling。 It seemed to her that the world was full of meaningless people saying words。 Afire with eagerness she ran through a gar… den gate and； turning a corner by the banker's barn； went into a little side street。 〃George！ Where are you； George？〃 she cried； filled with nervous excite… ment。 She stopped running； and leaned against a tree to laugh hysterically。 Along the dark little street came George Willard； still saying words。 〃I'm going to walk right into her house。 I'll go right in and sit down； 〃 he declared as he came up to her。 He stopped and stared stupidly。 〃Come on；〃 he said and took hold of her hand。 With hanging heads they walked away along the street under the trees。 Dry leaves rustled under foot。 Now that he had found her George wondered what he had better do and say。
At the upper end of the Fair Ground； in Wines… burg； there is a half decayed old grand…stand。 It has never been painted and the boards are all warped out of shape。 The Fair Ground stands on top of a low hill rising out of the valley of Wine Creek and from the grand…stand one can see at night； over a cornfield； the lights of the town reflected against the sky。
George and Helen climbed the hill to the Fair Ground； coming by the path past Waterworks Pond。 The feeling of loneliness and isolation that had come to the young man in the crowded streets of his town was both broken and intensified by the presence of Helen。 What he felt was reflected in her。
In youth there are always two forces fighting in people。 The warm unthinking little animal struggles against the thing that reflects and remembers； and the older； the more sophisticated thing had posses… sion of George Willard。 Sensing his mood； Helen walked beside him filled with respect。 When they got to the grand…stand they climbed up under the roof and sat down on one of the long bench…like seats。
There is something memorable in the experience to be had by going into a fair ground that stands at the edge of a Middle Western town on a night after the annual fair has been held。 The sensation is one never to be forgotten。 On all sides are ghosts； not of the dead； but of living people。 Here； during the day just passed； have come the people pouring in from the town and the country around。 Farmers with their wives and children and all the people from the hundreds of little frame houses have gath… ered within these board walls。 Young girls have laughed and men with beards have talked of the affairs of their lives。 The place has been filled to overflowing with life。 It has itched and squirmed with life and now it is night and the life has all gone away。 The silence is almost terrifying。 One conceals oneself standing silently beside the trunk of a tree and what there is of a reflective tendency in his na… ture is intensified。 One shudders at the thought of the meaninglessness of life while at the same in… stant； and if the people of the town are his people； one loves life so intensely that tears come into the eyes。
In the darkness under the roof of the grand…stand； George Willard sat beside Helen White and felt very keenly his own insi
