the complete works of artemus ward, part 2-第2章

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


Davis；　Bowregard；　Pickens；　Capt。　Kidd；　Bloobeard；　Munro
Edards；　the　devil；　Mrs。　Cunningham　and　all　the　rest　of　'em。〃

〃You're　in　favor　of　the　war？〃

〃Certingly。　　By　all　means。　　I'm　in　favor　of　this　war　and　also
of　the　next　war。　　I've　been　in　favor　of　the　next　war　for　over
sixteen　years！〃

〃War　to　the　knife！〃　sed　the　man。

〃Blud；　Eargo；　Blud！〃　sed　I；　tho　them　words　isn't　orrigernal
with　me；　them　words　was　rit　by　Shakspeare；　who　is　ded。　　His
mantle　fell　onto　the　author　of　〃The　Seven　Sisters；〃　who's　goin
to　hav　a　Spring　overcoat　made　out　of　it。

We　got　under　way　at　larst；　an'　proceeded　on　our　jerney　at
about　the　rate　of　speed　which　is　ginrally　obsarved　by
properly…conducted　funeral　processions。　　A　hansum　yung　gal；
with　a　red　musketer　bar　on　the　back　side　of　her　hed；　and　a
sassy　little　black　hat　tipt　over　her　forrerd；　sot　in　the　seat
with　me。　　She　wore　a　little　Sesesh　flag　pin'd　onto　her　hat；
and　she　was　a　goin　for　to　see　her　troo　love；　who　had　jined　the
Southern　army；　all　so　bold　and　gay。　　So　she　told　me。　　She　was
chilly　and　I　offered　her　my　blanket。

〃Father　livin？〃　I　axed。

〃Yes；　sir。〃

〃Got　any　Uncles？〃

〃A　heap。　　Uncle　Thomas　is　ded；　tho。〃

〃Peace　to　Uncle　Thomas's　ashes；　and　success　to　him！　　I　will　be
your　Uncle　Thomas！　　Lean　on　me；　my　pretty　Secesher；　and　linger
in　Blissful　repose！〃　　She　slept　as　secoorly　as　in　her　own
housen；　and　didn't　disturb　the　sollum　stillness　of　the　night
with　'ary　snore！

At　the　first　station　a　troop　of　Sojers　entered　the　cars　and
inquired　if　〃Old　Wax　Works〃　was　on　bored。　　That　was　the
disrespectiv　stile　in　which　they　referred　to　me。　　〃Becawz　if
Old　Wax　Works　is　on　bored；〃　sez　a　man　with　a　face　like　a
double…breasted　lobster；　〃we're　going　to　hang　Old　Wax　Works！〃

〃My　illustrious　and　patriotic　Bummers！〃　sez　I；　a　gittin　up　and
takin　orf　my　Shappo；　〃if　you　allude　to　A。　Ward；　it's　my
pleasin　dooty　to　inform　you　that　he's　ded。　　He　saw　the　error
of　his　ways　at　15　minutes　parst　2　yesterday；　and　stabbed
hisself　with　a　stuffed　sled…stake；　dyin　in　five　beautiful
tabloos　to　slow　moosic！　　His　last　words　was：　　'My　perfeshernal
career　is　over！　　I　jerk　no　more！'〃

〃And　who　be　you？〃

〃I'm　a　stoodent　in　Senator　Benjamin's　law　offiss。　　I'm　going
up　North　to　steal　some　spoons　and　things　for　the　Southern
Army。〃

This　was　satisfactory　and　the　intossicated　troopers　went　orf。
At　the　next　station　the　pretty　little　Secessher　awoke　and　sed
she　must　git　out　there。　　I　bid　her　a　kind　adoo　and　giv　her　sum
pervisions。　　〃Accept　my　blessin　and　this　hunk　of　ginger　bred！〃
I　sed。　　She　thankt　me　muchly　and　tript　galy　away。　　There's
considerable　human　nater　in　a　man；　and　I'm　afraid　I　shall
allers　giv　aid　and　comfort　to　the　enemy　if　he　cums　to　me　in
the　shape　of　a　nice　young　gal。

At　the　next　station　I　didn't　get　orf　so　easy。　　I　was　dragged
out　of　the　cars　and　rolled　in　the　mud　for　several　minits；　for
the　purpose　of　〃takin　the　conseet　out　of　me；〃　as　a　Secesher
kindly　stated。

I　was　let　up　finally；　when　a　powerful　large　Secesher　came　up
and　embraced　me；　and　to　show　that　he　had　no　hard　feelins　agin
me；　put　his　nose　into　my　mouth。　　I　returned　the　compliment　by
placin　my　stummick　suddenly　agin　his　right　foot；　when　he
kindly　made　a　spittoon　of　his　able…bodied　face。　　Actooated　by
a　desire　to　see　whether　the　Secesher　had　bin　vaxinated　I　then
fastened　my　teeth　onto　his　left　coat…sleeve　and　tore　it　to　the
shoulder。　　We　then　vilently　bunted　out　heads　together　for　a
few　minutes；　danced　around　a　little；　and　sot　down　in　a
mudpuddle。　　We　riz　to　our　feet　agin　and　by　a　sudden　and　adroit
movement　I　placed　my　left　eye　agin　the　Secesher's　fist。　　We
then　rushed　into　each　other's　arms　and　fell　under　a　two…hoss
wagon。　　I　was　very　much　exhaustid　and　didn't　care　about　gettin
up　agin；　but　the　man　sed　he　reckoned　I'd　better；　and　I
conclooded　I　would。　　He　pulled　me　up；　but　I　hadn't　bin　on　my
feet　more'n　two　seconds　afore　the　ground　flew　up　and　hit　me　in
the　hed。　　The　crowd　sed　it　was　high　old　sport；　but　I　couldn't
zackly　see　where　the　lafture　come　in。　　I　riz　and　we　embraced
agin。　　We　careered　madly　to　a　steep　bank；　when　I　got　the　upper
hands　of　my　antaggernist　and　threw　him　into　the　raveen。　　He
fell　about　forty　feet；　striking　a　grindstone　pretty　hard。　　I
understood　he　was　injured。　　I　haven't　heard　from　the
grindstone。

A　man　in　a　cockt　hat　cum　up　and　sed　he　felt　as　though　a
apology　was　doo　me。　　There　was　a　mistake。　　The　crowd　had　taken
me　for　another　man！　　I　told　him　not　to　mention　it；　and　axed
him　if　his　wife　and　little　ones　was　so　as　to　be　about；　and　got
on　bored　the　train；　which　had　stopped　at　that　station　〃20
minits　for　refreshments。〃　　I　got　all　I　wantid。　　It　was　the
hartiest　meal　I　ever　et。

I　was　rid　on　a　rale　the　next　day；　a　bunch　of　blazin　fire
crackers　bein　tied　to　my　coat　tales。　　It　was　a　fine　spectycal
in　a　dramatic　pint　of　view；　but　I　didn't　enjoy　it。　　I　had
other　adventers　of　a　startlin　kind；　but　why　continner？　　Why
lasserate　the　Public　Boozum　with　these　here　things？　　Suffysit
to　say　I　got　across　Mason　&　Dixie's　line　safe　at　last。　　I　made
tracks　for　my　humsted；　but　she　to　whom　I'm　harnist　for　life
failed　to　recognize；　in　the　emashiated　bein　who　stood　before
her；　the　gushin　youth　of　forty…six　summers　who　had　left　her
only　a　few　months　afore。　　But　I　went　into　the　pantry；　and
brought　out　a　certin　black　bottle。　　Raisin　it　to　my　lips；　I
sed　〃Here's　to　you；　old　gal！〃　　I　did　it　so　natral　that　she
knowed　me　at　once。　　〃Those　form！　　Them　voice！　　That　natral
stile　of　doin　things！　　'Tis　he！〃　she　cried；　and　rushed　into　my
arms。　　It　was　too　much　for　her　&　she　fell　into　a　swoon。　　I　cum
very　near　swoundin　myself。

No　more　to…day　from　yours　for　the　Pepetration　of　the　Union；
and　the　bringin　of　the　Goddess　of　Liberty　out　of　her　present
bad　fix。


2。3。　　FOURTH　OF　JULY　ORATION。

Delivered　July　4th；　at　Weathersfield；　Connecticut；　1859。

＇I　delivered　the　follerin；　about　two　years　ago；　to　a　large　and
discriminating　awjince。　　I　was　96　minits　passin　a　givin　pint。
I　have　revised　the　orashun；　and　added　sum　things　which　makes
it　approposser　to　the　times　than　it　otherwise　would　be。　　I
have　also　corrected　the　grammers　and　punktooated　it。　　I　do　my
own　punktooatin　now　days。　　The　Printers　in　〃Vanity　Fair〃
offiss　can't　punktooate　worth　a　cent。＇

FELLER　CITIZENS：　　I've　bin　honored　with　a　invite　to　norate
before　you　to…day；　and　when　I　say　that　I　skurcely　feel　ekal　to
the　task；　I'm　sure　you　will　believe　me。

Weathersfield　is　justly　celebrated　for　her　onyins　and
patritism　the　world　over；　and　to　be　axed　to　paws　and　address
you　on　this　my　fust　perfeshernal　tower　threw　New　Englan；
causes　me　to　feelto　feelI　may　say　it　causes　me　to　FEEL。
（Grate　applaws。　　They　thought　this　was　one　of　my
eccentricities；　while　the　fact　is　I　was　stuck。　　This　between
you　and　I。）

I'm　a　plane　man。　　I　don't　know　nothin　about　no　ded　languages
and　am　a　little　shaky　on　livin　ones。　　There4；　expect　no　flowry
talk　from　me。　　What　I　shall　say　will　be　to　the　pint；　right
strate　out。

I'm　not　a　politician　and　my　other　habits　air　good。　　I've　no
enemys　to　reward；　nor　friends　to　sponge。　　But　I'm　a　Union　man。
I　luv　the　Unionit　is　a　Big　thingand　it　makes　my　hart　bleed
to　see　a　lot　of　ornery　peple　a…movin　heavenno；　not　heaven；
but　the　other　placeand　earth；　to　bust　it　up。　　Toe　much　good
blud　was　spilt　in　courtin　and　marryin　that　hily　respectable
female　the　Goddess　of　Liberty；　to　git　a　divorce　from　her　now。
My　own　State　of　Injianny　is　celebrated　for　unhitchin　marrid
peple　with　neatness　and　dispatch；　but　you　can't　get　a　divorce
from　the　Goddess　up　there。　　Not　by　no　means。　　The　old　gal　has
behaved　herself　too　well　to　cast　her　off　now。　　I'm　sorry　the
picters　don't　give　her　no　shoes　or　stockins；　but　the　band　of
stars　upon　her　hed　must　continner　to　shine　undimd；　forever。
I'm　for　the　Union　as　she　air；　and　withered　be　the　arm　of　every
ornery　cuss　who　attempts　to　bust　her　up。　　That's　me。　　I　hav
sed！　　＇It　was　a　very　sweaty　day；　and　at　this　pint　of　the
orashun　a　man　fell　down　with　sunstroke。　　I　told　the　awjince
that　considerin　the　large　number　of　putty　gals　present　I　was
more　afraid　of　a　DAWTER　STROKE。　　This　was　impromptoo；　and
seemed　to　amoose　them　very　much。＇

Feller　CitizensI　hain't　got　time　to　notis　the　growth　of
Ameriky　frum　the　time　when　the　Mayflowers　cum　over　in　the
Pilgrim　and　brawt　Plymouth　Rock　with　them；　but　every　skool　boy
nose　our　kareer　has　been　tremenjis。　　You　will　excuse　me　if　I
don't　prase　the　erly　settlers　of　the　Kolonies。　　Peple　which
hung　idiotic　old　wimin　for　witches；　burnt　holes　in　Quakers'
tongues　and　consined　their　feller　critters　to　the　tredmill　and
pillery　on　the　slitest　provocashun　may　hav　bin　very　nice　folks
in　their　way；　but　I　must　confess　I　don't　admire　their　stile；
and　will　pass　them　by。　　I　spose　they　ment　well；　and　so；　in　the
novel　and　techin　langwidge　of　the　nusepapers；　〃peas　to　their
ashis。〃　　Thare　was　no　diskount；　however；　on　them　brave　men　who
fit；　bled　and　died　in　the　American　Revolushun。　　We　needn't　be
afraid　of　setting　'em　up　two　steep。　　Like　my　show；　they　will
stand　any　amount　of　prase。　　G。　Washington　was　abowt　the　best
man　this　world　ever　sot　eyes　on。　　He　was　a　clear…heded；
warm…harted；　and　stiddy　goin　man。　　He　never　slopt　over！　　The
prevailin　weakness　of　most　public　men　is　to　SLOP　OVER！　　＇Put
them　words　in　large　lettersA。　W。＇　　They　git　filled　up　and
slop。　　They　Rush　Things。　　They　travel　too　much　on　the　high
presher　principle。　　They　git　on　to　the　fust　poplar　hobbyhoss
whitch　trots　along；　not　carin　a　sent　whether　the　beest　is　even
goin；　clear　sited　and　sound　or　spavined；　blind　and　bawky。　　Of
course　they　git　throwed　eventooally；　if　not　sooner。　　When　they
see　the　multitood　goin　it　blind　they　go　Pel　Mel　with　it；
instid　of　exerting　theirselves　to　set　it　right。　　They　can't
see　that　the　crowd　which　is　now　bearin　them　triumfantly　on　its
shoulders　will　soon　diskiver　its　error　and　cast　them　into　the
hoss　pond　of　Oblivyun；　without　the　slitest　hesitashun。
Washington　never　slopt　over。　　That　wasn't　George's　stile。　　He
luved　his　country　dearly。　　He　wasn't　after　the　spiles。　　He　was
a　human　angil　in　a　3　kornerd　hat　and　knee　britches；　and　we
shan't　see　his　like　right　away。　　My　frends；　we　can't　all　be
Washingtons　but　we　kin　all　be　patrits　&　behave　ourselves　in　a
human　and　a　Christian　manner。　　When　we　see　a　brother　goin　down
hill　to　Ruin　let　us　not　give　him　a　push；　but　let　us　seeze　rite
hold　of　his　coat　tails　and　draw　him　back　to　Morality。

Imagine　G。　Washington　and　P。　Henry　in　the　character　of
seseshers！　　As　well　fancy　John　Bunyan　and　Dr。　Watts　in
spangled　tites；　doin　the　trapeze　in　a　one…horse　circus！

I　tell　you；　feller…citizens；　it　would　have　bin　ten　dollars　in
Jeff　Davis's　pocket　if　he'd　never　bin　born！

　　　　　　*　　　　　　*　　　　　　*　　　　　　*　　　　　　*　　　　　　*　　　　　　*　　　　　　*

Be　shure　and　vote　at　leest　once　at　all　elecshuns。　　Buckle　on
yer　armer　and　go　to　the　Poles。　　See　two　it　that　your　naber　is
there。　　See　that　the　kripples　air　provided　with　carriages。　　Go
to　the　poles　and　stay　all　day。　　Bewair　of　the　infamous　lise
whitch　the　Opposishun　will　be　sartin　to　git　up　fur　perlitical
effek　on　the　eve　of　eleckshun。　　To　the　poles　and　when　you　git
there　vote　jest　as　you　darn　please。　　This　is　a　privilege　we
all　persess；　and　it　is　1　of　t