the complete works of artemus ward, part 2-第4章

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remarks。　　She　closed　the　door；　I　may　say；　in　ITALICS。　　I　went
into　the　closet　and　larfed　all　alone　by　myself　for　over　half
an　hour。　　I　larfed　so　vi'lently　that　the　preserve　jars　rattled
like　a　cavalry　offisser's　sword　and　things；　which　it　aroused
my　BETSY；　who　came　and　opened　the　door　pretty　suddent。　　She
seized　me　by　the　few　lonely　hairs　that　still　linger　sadly　upon
my　bare…footed　hed；　and　dragged　me　out　of　the　closet；
incidentally　obsarving　that　she　didn't　exactly　see　why　she
should　be　compelled；　at　her　advanced　stage　of　life；　to　open　a
assylum　for　sooperanooated　idiots。

My　wife　is　one　of　the　best　wimin　on　this　continent；　altho'　she
isn't　always　gentle　as　a　lamb；　with　mint　sauce。　　No；　not
always。

But　to　return　to　the　war　meetin'。　　It　was　largely　attended。
The　Editor　of　the　〃Bugle〃　arose　and　got　up　and　said　the　fact
could　no　longer　be　disguised　that　we　were　involved　in　a　war。
〃Human　gore；〃　said　he；　〃is　flowin'。　　All　able…bodied　men
should　seize　a　musket　and　march　to　the　tented　field。　　I　repeat
it　sir；　to　the　tented　field。〃

A　voice〃Why　don't　you　go　yourself；　you　old　blowhard？〃

〃I　am　identified；　young　man；　with　a　Arkymedian　leaver　which
moves　the　world；〃　said　the　Editor；　wiping　his　auburn　brow　with
his　left　coat…tail；　〃I　allude；　young　man；　to　the　press：
Terms；　two　dollars　a　year；　invariably　in　advance。　　Job
printing　executed　with　neatness　and　dispatch！〃　　And　with　this
brilliant　bust　of　elekance　the　Editor　introduced　Mr。　J。　Brutus
Hinkins；　who　is　suffering　from　an　attack　of　College　in　a
naberin'　place。　　Mr。　Hinkins　said　Washington　was　not　safe。
Who　can　save　our　national　capeetle？

〃DAN　SETCHELL；〃　I　said。　　〃He　can　do　it　afternoons。　　Let　him
plant　his　light　and　airy　form　onto　the　Long　Bridge；　make　faces
at　the　hirelin'　foe；　and　they'll　skedaddle！　　Old　SETCH　can　do
it。〃

〃I　call　the　Napoleon　of　Showmen；〃　said　the　Editor　of　the
〃Bugle；〃〃I　call　that　Napoleonic　man；　whose　life　is　adorned
with　so　many　noble　virtues；　and　whose　giant　mind　lights　up
this　warlike　sceneI　call　him　to　order。〃

I　will　remark；　in　this　connection；　that　the　Editor　of　the
〃Bugle〃　does　my　job　printing。

〃You；〃　said　Mr。　Hinkins；　〃who　live　away　from　the　busy　haunts
of　men　do　not　comprehend　the　magnitood　of　the　crisis。　　The
busy　haunts　of　men　is　where　people　comprehend　this　crisis。　　We
who　live　in　the　busy　haunts　of　menthat　is　to　say；　we　dwell；
as　it　were；　in　the　busy　haunts　of　men。〃

〃I　really　trust　that　the　gen'l'man　will　not　fail　to　say
suthin'　about　the　busy　haunts　of　men　before　he　sits　down；〃
said　I。

〃I　claim　the　right　to　express　my　sentiments　here；〃　said　Mr。
Hinkins；　in　a　slightly　indignant　tone；　〃and　I　shall　brook　no
interruption；　if　I　am　a　Softmore。〃

〃You　couldn't　be　MORE　SOFT；　my　young　friend；〃　I　observed；
whereupon　there　was　cries　of　Order！　order！〃

〃I　regret　I　can't　mingle　in　this　strife　personally；〃　said　the
young　man。

〃You　might　inlist　as　a　liberty…pole；〃　said　I；　in　a　silvery
whisper。

〃But；〃　he　added；　〃I　have　a　voice；　and　that　voice　is　for　war。〃
The　young　man　then　closed　his　speech　with　some　strikin　and
orginal　remarks　in　relation　to　the　star…spangled　banner。　　He
was　followed　by　the　village　minister；　a　very　worthy　man
indeed；　but　whose　sermons　have　a　tendency　to　make　people　sleep
pretty　industriously。

〃I　am　willin'　to　inlist　for　one；〃　he　said。

〃What's　your　weight；　parson？〃　I　asked。

〃A　hundred　and　sixty　pounds；〃　he　said。

〃Well；　you　can　inlist　as　a　hundred　and　sixty　pounds　of
morphine；　your　dooty　bein'　to　stand　in　the　hospitals　arter　a
battle；　and　preach　while　the　surgical　operations　is　bein'
performed！　　Think　how　much　you'd　save　the　Gov'ment　in
morphine。〃

He　didn't　seem　to　see　it；　but　he　made　a　good　speech；　and　the
editor　of　the　〃Bugle〃　rose　to　read　the　resolutions；　commencin'
as　follers：

RESOLVED；　That　we　view　with　anxiety　the　fact　that　there　is　now
a　war　goin'　on；　and

RESOLVED；　That　we　believe　Stonewall　Jackson　sympathizes　with
the　secession　movement；　and　that　we　hope　the　nine…months　men

At　this　point　he　was　interrupted　by　the　sounds　of　silvery
footsteps　on　the　stairs；　and　a　party　of　wimin；　carryin'　guns
and　led　by　BETSY　JANE；　who　brandish'd　a　loud　and　rattlin'
umbereller；　burst　into　the　room。

〃Here；〃　cried　I；　〃are　some　nine…months　wimin！〃

〃Mrs。　Ward；〃　said　the　editor　of　the　〃Bugle〃〃Mrs。　WARD　and
ladies；　what　means　this　extr'ord'n'ry　demonstration？〃

〃It　means；〃　said　that　remarkable　female　〃that　you　men　air
makin'　fools　of　yourselves。　　You　air　willin'　to　talk　and　urge
others　to　go　to　the　wars；　but　you　don't　go　to　the　wars
yourselves。　　War　meetin's　is　very　nice　in　their　way；　but　they
don't　keep　STONEWALL　JACKSON　from　comin'　over　to　Maryland　and
helpin'　himself　to　the　fattest　beef　critters。　　What　we　want　is
more　cider　and　less　talk。　　We　want　you　able…bodied　men　to　stop
speechifying；　which　don't　'mount　to　the　wiggle　of　a　sick　cat's
tail；　and　to　go　fi'tin'；　otherwise　you　can　stay　to　home　and
take　keer　of　the　children；　while　we　wimin　will　go　to　the
wars！〃

〃Gentl'man；〃　said　I；　〃that's　my　wife！　　Go　in；　old　gal！〃　and　I
throw'd　up　my　ancient　white　hat　in　perfeck　rapters。

〃Is　this　roll…book　to　be　filled　up　with　the　names　of　men　or
wimin？〃　she　cried。

〃With　menwith　men！〃　and　our　quoty　was　made　up　that　very
night。

There　is　a　great　deal　of　gas　about　these　war　meetin's。　　A　war
meetin'；　in　fact；　without　gas；　would　be　suthin'　like　the　play
of　HAMLET　with　the　part　of　OTHELLO　omitted。

Still　believin'　that　the　Goddess　of　Liberty　is　about　as　well
sot　up　with　as　any　young　lady　in　distress　could　expect　to　be；
I　am
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Yours　more'n　anybody　else's；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　A。　Ward。


2。6。　　THE　DRAFT　IN　BALDINSVILLE。

If　I'm　drafted　I　shall　RESIGN。

Deeply　grateful　for　the　onexpected　honor　thus　confered　upon　me
I　shall　feel　compeld　to　resign　the　position　in　favor　of　sum
more　worthy　person。　　Modesty　is　what　ails　me。　　That's　what's
kept　me　under。

I　meanter…say；　I　shall　hav　to　resign　if　I'm　drafted
everywheres　I've　bin　inrold。　　I　must　now；　furrinstuns；　be
inrold　in　upards　of　200　different　towns。　　If　I'd　kept　on
travelin'　I　should　hav　eventooaly　becum　a　Brigade；　in　which
case　I　could　have　held　a　meetin'　and　elected　myself　Brigadeer…
ginral　quite　unanimiss。　　I　hadn't　no　idea　there　was　so　many　of
me　before。　　But；　serisly；　I　concluded　to　stop　exhibitin'；　and
made　tracks　for　Baldinsville。

My　only　daughter　threw　herself　onto　my　boosum；　and　said；　〃It
is　me　fayther！　　I　thank　the　gods！〃

She　reads　the　〃Ledger。〃

〃Tip　us　yer　bunch　of　fives；　old　faker！〃　said　ARTEMUS；　Jr。　　He
reads　the　〃Clipper。〃

My　wife　was　to　the　sowin'　circle。　　I　knew　she　and　the　wimin
folks　was　havin'　a　pleasant　time　slanderin'　the　females　of　the
OTHER　sowin'　circle　（which　likewise　met　that　arternoon；　and
was　doubtless　enjoyin'　theirselves　ekally　well　in　slanderin'
the　fust…named　circle）；　and　I　didn't　send　for　her。　　I　allus
like　to　see　people　enjoy　theirselves。

My　son　ORGUSTUS　was　playin'　onto　a　floot。

ORGUSTUS　is　a　ethereal　cuss。　　The　twins　was　bildin'　cob…houses
in　a　corner　of　the　kitchin'。

It'll　cost　some　postage…stamps　to　raise　this　fam'ly；　and　yet
it　'ud　go　hard　with　the　old　man　to　lose　any　lamb　of　the　flock。

An　old　bachelor　is　a　poor　critter。　　He　may　have　hearn　the
skylark　or　（what's　nearly　the　same　thing）　MISS　KELLOGG　and
CARLOTTY　PATTI　sing；　he　may　have　hearn　OLE　BULL　fiddle；　and
all　the　DODWORTHS　toot；　an'　yet　he　don't　know　nothin'　about
musicthe　real；　ginuine　thingthe　music　of　the　laughter　of
happy；　well…fed　children！　　And　you　may　ax　the　father　of　sich
children　home　to　dinner；　feelin　werry　sure　there'll　be　no
spoons　missin'　when　he　goes　away。　　Sich　fathers　never　drop　tin
five…cent　pieces　into　the　contribution　box；　nor　palm　shoe…pegs
off　onto　blind　hosses　for　oats；　nor　skedaddle　to　British　sile
when　their　country's　in　dangernor　do　anything　which　is
really　mean。　　I　don't　mean　to　intimate　that　the　old　bachelor
is　up　to　little　games　of　this　sortnot　at　allbut　I　repeat；
he's　a　poor　critter。　　He　don't　live　here；　only　stays。　　He
ought　to　'pologize　on　behalf　of　his　parients；　for　bein'　here
at　all。　　The　happy　marrid　man　dies　in　good　stile　at　home；
surrounded　by　his　weeping　wife　and　children。　　The　old　bachelor
don't　die　at　allhe　sort　of　rots　away；　like　a　pollywog's
tail。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　。　　。　　。　　。

My　townsmen　were　sort　o'　demoralized。　　There　was　a　evident
desine　to　ewade　the　Draft；　as　I　obsarved　with　sorrer；　and
patritism　was　below　Parand　MAR；　too。　　＇A　jew　desprit。＇　　I
hadn't　no　sooner　sot　down　on　the　piazzy　of　the　tavoun　than　I
saw　sixteen　solitary　hossmen；　ridin'　four　abreast；　wendin'
their　way　up　the　street。

〃What's　them？　　Is　it　cavilry？〃

〃That；〃　said　the　landlord；　〃is　the　stage。　　Sixteen　able…bodied
citizens　has　literally　bo't　the　stage　line　'tween　here　and
Scotsburg。　　That's　them。　　They're　Stage…drivers。　　Stage…
drivers　is　exempt！〃

I　saw　that　each　stage…driver　carried　a　letter　in　his　left
hand。

〃The　mail　is　hevy；　to…day；〃　said　the　landlord。　　〃Gin'rally
they　don't　have　more'n　half　a　dozen　letters　'tween　'em。　　To…
day　they're　got　one　a　piece！　　Bile　my　lights　and　liver！〃

〃And　the　passengers？〃

〃There　ain't　any；　skacely；　now…days；〃　said　the　landlord；　〃and
what　few　ther　is　very　much　prefer　to　walk；　the　roads　is　so
rough。〃

〃And　how　ist　with　you？〃　I　inquired　of　the　editor　of　the
〃Bugle…Horn　of　Liberty；〃　who　sot　near　me。

〃I　can't　go；〃　he　said；　shakin'　his　head　in　a　wise　way。
〃Ordinarily　I　should　delight　to　wade　in　gore；　but　my　bleedin'
country　bids　me　stay　at　home。　　It　is　imperatively　necessary
that　I　remain　here　for　the　purpose　of　announcin'；　from　week　to
week；　that　OUR　GOV'MENT　IS　ABOUT　TO　TAKE　VIGOROUS　MEASURES　TO
PUT　DOWN　THE　REBELLION！〃

I　strolled　into　the　village　oyster…saloon；　where　I　found　Dr。
SCHWAZEY；　a　leadin'　citizen　in　a　state　of　mind　which　showed
that　he'd　bin　histin'　in　more'n　his　share　of　pizen。

〃Hello；　old　Beeswax；〃　he　bellered；　〃how's　yer　grandmams？　　When
you　goin'　to　feed　your　stuffed　animils？〃

〃What's　the　matter　with　the　eminent　physician？〃　I　pleasantly
inquired。

〃This；〃　he　said；　〃this　is　what's　the　matter。　　I'm　a　habit…ooal
drunkard！　　I'm　exempt！〃

〃Jes'　so。〃

〃Do　you　see　them　beans；　old　man？〃　and　he　pinted　to　a　plate
before　him。　　〃Do　you　see　'em？〃

〃I　do。　　They　are　a　cheerful　fruit　when　used　tempritly。〃

〃Well；〃　said　he；　〃I　hadn't　eat　anything　since　last　week。　　I
eat　beans　now　BECAUSE　I　eat　beans　THEN。　　I　never　mix　my
vittles！〃

〃It's　quite　proper　you　should　eat　a　little　suthin'　once　in　a
while；〃　I　said。　　〃It's　a　good　idee　to　occasionally　instruct
the　stummick　that　it　mustn't　depend　excloosively　on　licker　for
its　sustainance。〃

〃A　blessin'；〃　he　cried；　〃a　blessin'　onto　the　hed　of　the　man
what　invented　beans。　　A　blessin'　onto　his　hed！〃

〃Which　his　name　is　GILSON！　　He's　a　first　family　of　Bostin；〃
said　I。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　。　　。　　。　　。

This　is　a　speciment　of　how　things　was　goin'　in　my　place　of
residence。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　。　　。　　。　　。

A　few　was　true　blue。　　The　schoolmaster　was　among　'em。　　He
greeted　me　warmly。　　He　said　I　was　welkim　to　those　shores。　　He
said　I　had　a　massiv　mind。　　It　was　gratifyin'；　he　said；　to　see
the　great　intelleck　stalkin'　in　t