the complete works of artemus ward, part 2-第5章

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said　I　had　a　massiv　mind。　　It　was　gratifyin'；　he　said；　to　see
the　great　intelleck　stalkin'　in　their　midst　onct　more。　　I　have
before　had　occasion　to　notice　this　schoolmaster。　　He　is
evidently　a　young　man　of　far　more　than　ord'nary　talents。

The　schoolmaster　proposed　we　should　git　up　a　mass　meetin'。
The　meetin'　was　largely　attended。　　We　held　it　in　the　open　air
round　a　roarin'　bonfire。

The　schoolmaster　was　the　first　orator。　　He's　pretty　good　on
the　speak。　　He　also　writes　well；　his　composition　bein'　seldom
marred　by　ingrammatticisms。　He　said　this　inactivity　surprised
him。　　〃What　do　you　expect　will　come　of　this　kind　of　doin's？
Nihil　fit〃

〃Hooray　for　Nihil！〃　I　interrupted。　　〃Fellow…citizens；　let's
giv　three　cheers　for　Nihil；　the　man　who　fit！〃

The　schoolmaster　turned　a　little　red；　but　repeated〃Nihil
fit。〃

〃Exactly；〃　I　said。　　〃Nihil　FIT。　　He　wasn't　a　strategy　feller。〃

〃Our　venerable　friend；〃　said　the　schoolmaster；　smilin'
pleasantly；　〃isn't　posted　in　Virgil。〃

〃No；　I　don't　know　him。　　But　if　he's　a　able…bodied　man　he　must
stand　his　little　draft。〃

The　schoolmaster　wound　up　in　eloquent　style；　and　the
subscriber　took　the　stand。

I　said　the　crisis　had　not　only　cum　itself；　but　it　had　brought
all　its　relations。　　It　has　cum；　I　said；　with　a　evident
intention　of　makin'　us　a　good　long　visit。　　It's　goin'　to　take
off　its　things　and　stop　with　us。　　My　wife　says　so　too。　　This
is　a　good　war。　　For　those　who　like　this　war；　it's　just　such　a
kind　of　war　as　they　like。　　I'll　bet　ye。　　My　wife　says　so　too。
If　the　Federal　army　succeeds　in　takin'　Washington；　and　they
seem　to　be　advancin'　that　way　pretty　often；　I　shall　say　it　is
strategy；　and　Washington　will　be　safe。　　And　that　noble　banner；
as　it　werethat　banner；　as　it　werewill　be　a　emblem；　or
rather；　I　should　say；　that　noble　bannerAS　IT　WERE。　　My　wife
says　so　too。　　＇I　got　a　little　mixed　up　here；　but　they　didn't
notice　it。　　Keep　mum。＇　　Feller　citizens；　it　will　be　a　proud
day　for　this　Republic　when　Washington　is　safe。　　My　wife　says
so　too。

The　editor　of　the　〃Bugle…Horn　of　Liberty〃　here　arose　and　said：
〃I　do　not　wish　to　interrupt　the　gentleman；　but　a　impertant
despatch　has　just　bin　received　at　the　telegraph　office　here。
I　will　read　it。　　It　is　as　follows：　　GOV'MENT　IS　ABOUT　TO　TAKE
VIGOROUS　MEASURES　TO　PUT　DOWN　THE　REBELLION！　　＇Loud　applause。＇

That；　said　I；　is　cheering。　　That's　soothing。　　And　Washington
will　be　safe。　＇Sensation。＇　　Philadelphia　is　safe。　　Gen。
PATTERSON'S　in　Philadelphia。　　But　my　heart　bleeds　partic'ly
for　Washington。　　My　wife　says　so　too。

There's　money　enough。　No　trouble　about　MONEY。　　They've　got　a
lot　of　first…class　bank…note　engravers　at　Washington　（which
place；　I　regret　to　say；　is　by　no　means　safe）　who　turn　out　two
or　three　cords　of　money　a　daygood　money；　too。　　Goes　well。
These　bank…note　engravers　made　good　wages。　　I　expect　they　lay
up　property。　　They　are　full　of　Union　sentiment。　　There　is
considerable　Union　sentiment　in　Virginny；　more　especially
among　the　honest　farmers　of　the　Shenandoah　valley。　　My　wife
says　so　too。

Then　it　isn't　money　we　want。　　But　we　do　want　MEN；　and　we　must
have　them。　　We　must　carry　a　whirlwind　of　fire　among　the　foe。
We　must　crush　the　ungrateful　rebels　who　are　poundin'　the
Goddess　of　Liberty　over　the　head　with　slung…shots；　and
stabbin'　her　with　stolen　knives！　　We　must　lick　'em　quick。　　We
must　introduce　a　large　number　of　first…class　funerals　among
the　people　of　the　South。　　Betsy　says　so　too。

This　war　hain't　been　too　well　managed。　　We　all　know　that。
What　then？　　We　are　all　in　the　same　boatif　the　boat　goes
down；　we　go　down　with　her。　　Hence　we　must　all　fight。　　It　ain't
no　use　to　talk　now　about　who　CAUSED　the　war。　　That's　played
out。　　The　war　is　upon　usupon　us　alland　we　must　all　fight。
We　can't　〃reason〃　the　matter　with　the　foe。　　When；　in　the　broad
glare　of　the　noonday　sun；　a　speckled　jackass　boldly　and
maliciously　kicks　over　a　peanut…stand；　do　we　〃reason〃　with
him？　　I　guess　not。　　And　why　〃reason〃　with　those　other　Southern
people　who　are　trying　to　kick　over　the　Republic！　　Betsy；　my
wife；　says　so　too。

The　meeting　broke　up　with　enthusiasm。

We　shan't　draft　in　Baldinsville　if　we　can　help　it。


2。7。　　SURRENDER　OF　CORNWALLIS。

It　was　customary　in　many　of　the　inland　towns　of　New　England；
some　thirty　years　ago；　to　celebrate　the　anniversary　of　the
surrender　of　Lord　Cornwallis　by　a　sham　representation　of　that
important　event　in　the　history　of　the　Revolutionary　War。　　A
town　meeting　would　be　called；　at　which　a　company　of　men　would
be　detailed　as　British；　and　a　company　as　Americanstwo
leading　citizens　being　selected　to　represent　Washington　and
Cornwallis　in　mimic　surrender。

The　pleasant　little　town　of　W；　in　whose　schools　the　writer
has　been　repeatedly　〃corrected；〃　upon　whose　ponds　he　has　often
skated；　upon　whose　richest　orchards　he　has；　with　other
juvenile　bandits；　many　times　dashed　in　the　silent　midnight；
the　town　of　W；　where　it　was　popularly　believed　these　bandits
would　〃come　to　a　bad　end；〃　resolved　to　celebrate　the
surrender。　　Rival　towns　had　celebrated；　and　W　determined　to
eclipse　them　in　the　most　signal　manner。　　It　is　my　privilege　to
tell　how　W　succeeded　in　this　determination。

The　great　day　came。　　It　was　ushered　in　by　the　roar　of
musketry；　the　ringing　of　the　village　church　bell；　the
squeaking　of　fifes；　and　the　rattling　of　drums。

People　poured　into　the　village　from　all　over　the　county。
Never　had　W　experienced　such　a　jam。　　Never　had　there　been
such　an　onslaught　upon　gingerbread　carts。　　Never　had　New
England　rum　（for　this　was　before　Neal　Dow's　day）　flowed　so
freely。　　And　W's　fair　daughters；　who　mounted　the　house…tops
to　see　the　surrender；　had　never　looked　fairer。　　The　old　folks
came；　too；　and　among　them　were　several　war…scarred　heroes；　who
had　fought　gallantly　at　Monmouth　and　Yorktown。　　These　brave
sons　of　'76　took　no　part　in　the　demonstration；　but　an　honored
bench　was　set　apart　for　their　exclusive　use　on　the　piazza　of
Sile　Smith's　store。　　When　they　were　dry　all　they　had　to　do　was
to　sing　out　to　Sile's　boy；　Jerry；　〃a　leetle　New　Englan'　this
way；　if　YOU　please。〃　　It　was　brought　forthwith。

At　precisely　9　o'clock；　by　the　schoolmaster's　new　〃Lepeen〃
watch；　the　American　and　British　forces　marched　on　to　the
village　green　and　placed　themselves　in　battle　array；　reminding
the　spectator　of　the　time　when

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　〃Brave　Wolfe　drew　up　his　men
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　In　a　style　most　pretty；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　On　the　Plains　of　Abraham
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Before　the　city。〃

The　character　of　Washington　had　been　assigned　to　'Squire　Wood；
a　well…to…do　and　influential　farmer；　while　that　of　Cornwallis
had　been　given　to　the　village　lawyer；　a　kind…hearted　but
rather　pompous　person；　whose　name　was　Caleb　Jones。

'Squire　Wood；　the　Washington　of　the　occasion；　had　met　with
many　unexpected　difficulties　in　preparing　his　forces；　and　in
his　perplexity　he　had　emptied　not　only　his　own　canteen　but
those　of　most　of　his　aids。　　The　consequence　wasmortifying　as
it　must　be　to　all　true　Americansblushing　as　I　do　to　tell　it；
Washington　at　the　commencement　of　the　mimic　struggle　was　most
unqualifiedly　drunk。

The　sham　fight　commenced。　　Bang！　bang！　bang！　from　the
Americansbang！　bang！　bang！　from　the　British。　　The　bangs　were
kept　hotly　up　until　the　powder　gave　out；　and　then　came　the
order　to　charge。　　Hundreds　of　wooden　bayonets　flashed　fiercely
in　the　sunlight；　each　soldier　taking　very　good　care　not　to　hit
anybody。

〃Thaz　（hic）　right；〃　shouted　Washington；　who　during　the
shooting　had　been　racing　his　horse　wildly　up　and　down　the
line；　〃thaz　right！　　GIN　it　to　'em！　Cut　their　tarnal　heads
off！〃

〃On；　Romans！〃　shrieked　Cornwallis；　who　had　once　seen　a
theatrical　performance　and　remembered　the　heroic　appeals　of
the　Thespian　belligerents；　〃on　to　the　fray！　　No　sleep　till
mornin'。〃

〃Let　eout　all　their　bowels；〃　yelled　Washington；　〃and　down　with
taxation　on　tea！〃

The　fighting　now　ceased；　the　opposing　forces　were　properly
arranged；　and　Cornwallis；　dismounting；　prepared　to　present　his
sword　to　Washington　according　to　programme。　　As　he　walked
slowly　towards　the　Father　of　His　Country　he　rehearsed　the
little　speech　he　had　committed　for　the　occasion；　while　the
illustrious　being　who　was　to　hear　it　was　making　desperate
efforts　to　keep　in　his　saddle。　　Now　he　would　wildly　brandish
his　sword　and　narrowly　escape　cutting　off　his　horse's　ears；
and　then　he　would　fall　suddenly　forward　on　to　the　steed's
neck；　grasping　the　mane　as　drowning　men　seize　hold　of　straws。
He　was　giving　an　inimitable　representation　of　Toodles　on
horseback。　　All　idea　of　the　magnitude　of　the　occasion　had　left
him；　and　when　he　saw　Cornwallis　approaching；　with　slow　and
stately　step；　and　sword…hilt　extended　toward　him；　he　inquired；

〃What'n　devil　YOU　want；　any　（hic）　how！〃

〃General　Washington；〃　said　Cornwallis；　in　dignified　and
impressive　tones；　〃I　tender　you　my　sword。　　I　need　not　inform
you；　Sir；　how　deeply〃

The　speech　was　here　suddenly　cut　short　by　Washington；　who；
driving　the　spurs　into　his　horse；　playfully　attempted　to　ride
over　the　commander　of　the　British　forces。　　He　was　not
permitted　to　do　this；　for　his　aids；　seeing　his　unfortunate
condition；　seized　the　horse　by　the　bridle；　straightened
Washington　up　in　his　saddle；　and　requested　Cornwallis　to
proceed　with　his　remarks。

〃General　Washington；〃　said　Cornwallis；　〃the　British　Lion
prostrates　himself　at　the　feet　of　the　American　Eagle！〃

〃EAGLE？　　EAGLE！〃　yelled　the　infuriated　Washington；　rolling　off
his　horse　and　hitting　Cornwallis　a　frightful　blow　on　the　head
with　the　flat　of　his　sword；　〃do　you　call　me　a　EAGLE；　you　mean；
sneakin'　cuss？〃　　He　struck　him　again；　sending　him　to　the
ground；　and　said；　〃I'll　learn　you　to　call　me　a　Eagle；　you
infernal　scoundrel！〃

Cornwallis　remained　upon　the　ground　only　a　moment。　　Smarting
from　the　blows　he　had　received；　he　arose　with　an　entirely
unlooked　for　recuperation　on　the　part　of　the　fallen；　and　in
direct　defiance　of　historical　example；　in　spite　of　the　men　of
both　nations；　indeed；　he　whipped　the　Immortal　Washington　until
he　roared　for　mercy。

The　Americans；　at　first　mortified　and　indignant　at　the　conduct
of　their　chief；　now　began　to　sympathize　with　him；　and　resolved
to　whip　their　mock　foes　in　earnest。　　They　rushed　fiercely　upon
them；　but　the　British　were　really　the　stronger　party　and　drove
the　Americans　back。　　Not　content　with　this　they　charged　madly
upon　them　and　drove　them　from　the　fieldfrom　the　village；　in
fact。　　There　were　many　heads　damaged；　eyes　draped　in　mourning；
noses　fractured　and　legs　lamedit　is　a　wonder　that　no　one　was
killed　outright。

Washington　was　confined　to　his　house　for　several　weeks；　but　he
recovered　at　last。　　For　a　time　there　was　a　coolness　between
himself　and　Cornwallis；　but　they　finally　concluded　to　join　the
whole　county　in　laughing　about　the　surrender。

They　live　now。　　Time；　the　〃artist；〃　has　thoroughly　whitewashed
their　heads；　but　they　are　very　jolly　still。　　On　town　meeting
days　the　old　'Squire　always　rides　down　to　the　village。　　In　the
hind　part　of　his　venerable　yellow　wagon　is　always　a　bunch　of
hay；　ostensibly　for　the　old　white　horse；　but　really　to　hide　a
glass　bottle　from　the　vulgar　gaze。　　This　bottle　has　on　one
side　a　likeness　of　Lafayette；　a