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stage-land[1].(舞台)-第4章

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had he had a head instead of a sentimental bladder on his shoulders); the 

Villain     is  handcuffed;     and    he   and    the   heroine    have    settled   down 

comfortably next door to the comic man。 

     But this heavenly existence will never last。            The stage hero was built 

for trouble; and he will be in it again in another month; you bet。 They'll get 

up another   mortgage   for him  on   the   〃estates;〃   and he   won't   know;  bless 

you; whether he really did sign it or whether he didn't; and out he will go。 

     And he'll   slop his   name   about to   documents   without ever looking   to 

see what he's doing; and be let in for Lord knows what; and another wife 

will   turn   up   for   him   that   he   had   married   when   a   boy   and   forgotten   all 

about。 

     And the next corpse that comes to the village he'll get mixed up with 

sure   toand   have   it   laid   to   his   door;   and   there'll   be   all   the   old   business 

over again。 

     No; our advice to the stage heroine is to get rid of the hero as soon as 

possible; marry the villain; and go and live abroad somewhere where the 

comic man won't come fooling around。 

     She will be much happier。 



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                                       STAGE…LAND。 



                      THE COMIC MAN。 



    He follows the hero all over the world。          This is rough on the hero。 

    What   makes   him   so   gone   on   the   hero   is   that   when   they   were   boys 

together the hero used to knock him down and kick him。                The comic man 

remembers this with a glow of pride when he is grown up; and it makes 

him love the hero and determine to devote his life to him。 

    He     is  a  man    of  humble     stationthe    comic    man。    The     village 

blacksmith or a peddler。        You never see a rich or aristocratic comic man 

on the stage。     You can have your choice on the stage; you can be funny 

and   of   lowly  origin;  or   you   can   be   well…to…do   and   without   any  sense   of 

humor。 Peers and policemen are the people most utterly devoid of humor 

on the stage。 

     The chief duty of the comic man's life is to make love to servant…girls; 

and they slap his face; but it does not discourage him; he seems to be more 

smitten by them than ever。 

     The comic man is happy under any fate; and he says funny things at 

funerals and when the bailiffs are in the house or the hero is waiting to be 

hanged。 

     This sort of man is rather trying in real life。         In real life such a man 

would probably be slaughtered to death and buried at an early period of 

his career; but on the stage they put up with him。 

    He is very good; is the comic man。          He can't bear villainy。      To thwart 

villainy is his life's ambition; and in this noble object fortune backs him up 

grandly。    Bad   people   come   and   commit   their   murders   and   thefts   right 

under his nose; so that he can denounce them in the last act。 

     They never see him there; standing close beside them; while they are 

performing these fearful crimes。 

     It is marvelous how short…sighted people on the stage are。            We always 

thought that the young lady in real life was moderately good at not seeing 

folks she did not want to when they were standing straight in front of her; 

but her affliction in this direction is as nothing compared with that of her 

brothers and sisters on the stage。 



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                                           STAGE…LAND。 



     These unfortunate people come into rooms where there are crowds of 

people   aboutpeople   that   it   is   most   important   that   they   should   see;   and 

owing to   not   seeing   whom  they  get   themselves   into   fearful   trouble;   and 

they never notice any of them。            They talk to somebody opposite; and they 

can't see a third person that is standing bang between the two of them。 

     You might fancy they wore blinkers。 

     Then;  again;  their  hearing   is   so   terribly  weak。       It   really  ought   to   be 

seen   to。    People   talk   and   chatter   at   the   very   top   of   their   voices   close 

behind   them;   and   they   never   hear   a   worddon't   know   anybody's   there; 

even。     After   it   has   been   going   on   for   half   an   hour;   and   the   people   〃up 

stage〃   have   made   themselves   hoarse   with   shouting;   and   somebody   has 

been   boisterously   murdered   and   all   the   furniture   upset;   then   the   people 

〃down stage〃 〃think they hear a noise。〃 

     The comic man always rows with his wife if he is married or with his 

sweetheart if he is not married。            They quarrel all day long。           It must be a 

trying life; you would think; but they appear to like it。 

     How   the   comic   man   lives   and   supports   his   wife   (she   looks   as   if   it 

wanted something to support her; too) and family is always a mystery to 

us。    As we have said; he is not a rich man and he never seems to earn any 

money。      Sometimes he keeps a shop; and in the way he manages business 

it must be an expensive thing to keep; for he never charges anybody for 

anything; he is so generous。           All his customers seem to be people more or 

less in trouble; and he can't find it in his heart to ask them to pay for their 

goods under such distressing circumstances。 

     He   stuffs   their   basket   full   with   twice   as   much   as   they   came   to   buy; 

pushes their money back into their hands; and wipes away a tear。 

     Why   doesn't   a   comic   man   come   and   set   up   a   grocery   store   in   our 

neighborhood? 

     When   the   shop   does   not   prove   sufficiently   profitable   (as   under   the 

above…explained   method   sometimes   happens   to   be   the   case)   the   comic 

man's wife seeks to add to the income by taking in lodgers。                    This is a bad 

move on her part; for it always ends in the lodgers taking her in。 The hero 

and   heroine;   who   seem   to   have   been   waiting   for   something   of   the   sort; 

immediately come and take possession of the whole house。 



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                                         STAGE…LAND。 



     Of course the comic man could not think of charging for mere board 

and    lodging    the   man    who    knocked     him   down     when    they   were    boys 

together! Besides; was not the heroine (now the hero's wife) the sweetest 

and the blithest girl in all the village of Deepdale?             (They must have been 

a   gloomy     band;    the  others!)    How     can   any   one    with   a  human     heart 

beneath his bosom suggest that people like that should pay for their rest 

and washing?        The comic man is shocked at his wife for even thinking of 

such a thing; and the end of it is that Mr。 and Mrs。 Hero live there for the 

rest   of   the play  rent   free;   coals;   soap;   candles;   and   hair…oil   for   the   child 

being provided for them on the same terms。 

     The hero raises vague and feeble objections to this arrangement now 

and again。      He says he will not hear of such a thing; that he will stay no 

longer to be a burden upon these honest folk; but will go forth unto the 

roadside and there starve。         The comic man has awful work with him; but 

wins at last and persuades the noble fellow to stop on and give the place 

another trial。 

     When; a morning or so after witnessing one of these beautiful scenes; 

our   own   landlady   knocks   at   our   door   and   creates   a   disturbance   over   a 

paltry matter of three or four weeks' rent; and says she'll have her money 

or   out   we   go   that   very   day;   and   drifts   slowly   away   down   toward   the 

kitchen;   abusing   us   in   a   rising   voice   as   she   descends;   then   we   think   of 

these things and grow sad。 

     It is the example of the people round him that makes the comic man so 

generous。      Everybody is generous on the stage。               They are giving away 

their   purses   all   day   long;   that   is   the   regulation   〃tip〃   on   the   stageone's 

purse。     The   moment   you   hear   a   tale   of   woe;   you   grab   it   out   of   your 

pocket; slap it in to the woe…er's palm; grip his hand; dash away a tear; and 

exit;   you   don't   even   leave   yourself   a   'bus   fare   home。  You   walk   back 

quickly and get another purse。 

     Middle…class people   and others on the stage   who are   short of   purses 

have   to   content   themselves   with   throwing   about   rolls   of   bank…notes   and 

tipping servants with five…pound checks。              Very stingy people on the stage 

have been known to be so cussed mean as to give away mere sovereigns。 

     But they are generally only villains or lords that descend to this sort of 



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                                          STAGE…LAND。 



thing。    Respectable stage folk never offer anything less than a purse。 

     The recipient is very grateful on   receiving the purse (he never looks 

inside) and thinks that Heaven ought to reward the donor。                   They get a lot 

of   work   out   of   Heaven  on   the stage。     Heaven   does   all the  odd   jobs   for 

them  that they  don't   want   to   go   to   the trouble and   expense   of   doing   for 

themselves。       Heaven's chief duty on the stage is to see to the repayment 

of all those sums of money that are given or lent to the good people。                    It is 

generally      requested     to  do   this   to  the   tune   of   a  〃thousand…fold〃an 

exorbitant rate when you come to think of it。 

     Heaven   is   also   expected   to   take   care   that   the   villain   gets   properly 

cursed; and to fill up its spare time by bringing misfortune upon the local 

landlord。     It   has   to   avenge   everybody   and   to   help   all   the   good   people 

whenever they are in trouble。           And they keep it going in this direction。 

     And   when the hero   leaves   for prison   Heaven has   to   take care of   his 

wife and child till he comes out; and if this isn't a handful for it; we don't 

know what would be! 

     Heaven on the stage is always on the side of the hero and heroine and 

against the police。 

     Occasionally;   of   late   years;   the   comic   man   has   been   a   bad   man;   but 

you   can't   hate   him   for   it。 What   if   he   does   ruin   the   hero   and   rob   the 

heroine and help to murder the good old man?                   He does it all in such a 

genia

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