stage-land[1].(舞台)-第9章
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Here there were two children on the stage。 Some grown…up people
were standing round them listening； in respectful attitudes； while the
children talked。 They appeared to be lecturing about something。
Again we fled； swearing； and made our way to a third theater。 They
were all children there。 It was somebody or other's Children's Company
performing an opera； or pantomime； or something of that sort。
Our friend said he would not venture into another theater。 He said he
had heard there were places called music…halls； and he begged us to take
him to one of these and not to tell his wife。
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STAGE…LAND。
We inquired of a policeman and found that there really were such
places； and we took him into one。
The first thing we saw were two little boys doing tricks on a horizontal
bar。
Our friend was about to repeat his customary programme of flying and
cursing； but we restrained him。 We assured him that he would really see
a grown…up person if he waited a bit； so he sat out the boys and also their
little sister on a bicycle and waited for the next item。
It turned out to be an infant phenomenon who sang and danced in
fourteen different costumes； and we once more fled。
Our friend said he could not go home in the state he was then； he felt
sure he should kill the twins if he did。 He pondered for awhile； and then
he thought he would go and hear some music。 He said he thought a little
music would soothe and ennoble himmake him feel more like a Christian
than he did at that precise moment。
We were near St。 James' Hall； so we went in there。
The hall was densely crowded； and we had great difficulty in forcing
our way to our seats。 We reached them at length； and then turned our
eyes toward the orchestra。
〃The marvelous boy pianistonly ten years old！〃 was giving a recital。
Then our friend rose and said he thought be would give it up and go
home。
We asked him if he would like to try any other place of amusement；
but he said 〃No。〃 He said that when you came to think of it； it seemed a
waste of money for a man with eleven children of his own to go about to
places of entertainment nowadays。
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STAGE…LAND。
THE COMIC LOVERS。
Oh； they are funny！ The comic lovers' mission in life is to serve as a
sort of 〃relief〃 to the misery caused the audience by the other characters in
the play； and all that is wanted now is something that will be a relief to the
comic lovers。
They have nothing to do with the play； but they come on immediately
after anything very sad has happened and make love。 This is why we
watch sad scenes on the stage with such patience。 We are not eager for
them to be got over。 Maybe they are very uninteresting scenes； as well as
sad ones； and they make us yawn； but we have no desire to see them
hurried through。 The longer they take the better pleased we are： we
know that when they are finished the comic lovers will come on。
They are always very rude to each other； the comic lovers。
Everybody is more or less rude and insulting to every body else on the
stage； they call it repartee there！ We tried the effect of a little stage
〃repartee〃 once upon some people in real life； and we wished we hadn't
afterward。 It was too subtle for them。 They summoned us before a
magistrate for 〃using language calculated to cause a breach of the peace。〃
We were fined 2 pounds and costs！
They are more lenient to 〃wit and humor〃 on the stage； and know how
to encourage the art of vituperation。 But the comic lovers carry the
practice almost to excess。 They are more than rudethey are abusive。
They insult each other from morning to night。 What their married life
will be like we shudder to think！
In the various slanging matches and bullyragging competitions which
form their courtship it is always the maiden that is most successful。
Against her merry flow of invective and her girlish wealth of offensive
personalities the insolence and abuse of her boyish adorer cannot stand for
one moment。
To give an idea of how the comic lovers woo； we perhaps cannot do
better than subjoin the following brief example：
_SCENE： Main thoroughfare in populous district of London。 Time：
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STAGE…LAND。
Noon。 Not a soul to be seen anywhere。_ _Enter comic loveress R。；
walking in the middle of the road。_ _Enter comic lover L。； also walking
in the middle of the road。_ _They neither see the other until they bump
against each other in the center。_ HE。 Why； Jane！ Who'd a' thought o'
meeting you here！
SHE。 You evidently didn'tstoopid！
HE。 Halloo！ got out o' bed the wrong side again？ I say； Jane； if you
go on like that you'll never get a man to marry you。
SHE。 So I thought when I engaged myself to you。
HE。 Oh！ come； Jane； don't be hard。
SHE。 Well； one of us must be hard。 You're soft enough。
HE。 Yes； I shouldn't want to marry you if I weren't。 Ha！ ha！ ha！
SHE。 Oh； you gibbering idiot！ （_Said archly。_）
HE。 So glad I am。 We shall make a capital match （_attempts to kiss
her_）。
SHE （_slipping away_）。 Yes； and you'll find I'm a match that can
strike （_fetches him a violent blow over the side if the head_）。
HE （_holding his jawin a literal sense； we mean_）。 I can't help
feeling smitten by her。
SHE。 Yes； I'm a bit of a spanker； ain't I？
HE。 Spanker。 I call you a regular stunner。 You've nearly made me
silly。
SHE （_laughing playfully_）。 No； nature did that for you； Joe； long
ago。
HE。 Ah； well； you've made me smart enough now； you boss…eyed old
cow； you！
SHE。 Cow！ am I？ Ah； I suppose that's what makes me so fond of a
calf； you German sausage on legs！ You
HE。 Go along。 Your mother brought you up on sour milk。
SHE。 Yah！ They weaned you on thistles； didn't they？
And so on； with such like badinage do they hang about in the middle
of that road； showering derision and contumely upon each other for full
ten minutes； when； with one culminating burst of mutual abuse； they go
off together fighting and the street is left once more deserted。
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STAGE…LAND。
It is very curious； by the bye； how deserted all public places become
whenever a stage character is about。 It would seem as though ordinary
citizens sought to avoid them。 We have known a couple of stage villains
to have Waterloo Bridge； Lancaster Place； and a bit of the Strand entirely
to themselves for nearly a quarter of an hour on a summer's afternoon
while they plotted a most diabolical outrage。
As for Trafalgar Square； the hero always chooses that spot when he
wants to get away from the busy crowd and commune in solitude with his
own bitter thoughts； and the good old lawyer leaves his office and goes
there to discuss any very delicate business over which he particularly does
not wish to be disturbed。
And they all make speeches there to an extent sufficient to have turned
the hair of the late lamented Sir Charles Warren White with horror。 But it
is all right； because there is nobody near to hear them。 As far as the eye
can reach； not a living thing is to be seen。 Northumberland Avenue； the
Strand； and St。 Martin's Lane are simply a wilderness。 The only sign of
life about is a 'bus at the top of Whitehall； and it appears to be blocked。
How it has managed to get blocked we cannot say。 It has the whole
road to itself； and is； in fact； itself the only traffic for miles round。 Yet
there it sticks for hours。 The police make no attempt to move it on and
the passengers seem quite contented。
The Thames Embankment is an even still more lonesome and desolate
part。 Wounded （stage） spirits fly from the haunts of men and； leaving the
hard； cold world far； far behind them； go and die in peace on the Thames
Embankment。 And other wanderers； finding their skeletons afterward；
bury them there and put up rude crosses over the graves to mark the spot。
The comic lovers are often very young； and when people on the stage
are young they _are_ young。 He is supposed to be about sixteen and she
is fifteen。 But they both talk as if they were not more than seven。
In real life 〃boys〃 of sixteen know a thing or two； we have generally
found。 The average 〃boy〃 of sixteen nowadays usually smokes
cavendish and does a little on the Stock Exchange or makes a book； and as
for love！ he has quite got over it by that age。 On the stage； however； the
new…born babe is not in it for innocence with the boy lover of sixteen。
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STAGE…LAND。
So； too； with the maiden。 Most girls of fifteen off the stage； so our
experience goes； know as much as there is any actual necessity for them to
know； Mr。 Gilbert notwithstanding； but when we see a young lady of
fifteen on the stage we wonder where her cradle is。
The comic lovers do not have the facilities for love…making that the
hero and heroine do。 The hero and heroine have big rooms to make love
in； with a fire and plenty of easy…chairs； so that they can sit about in
picturesque attitudes and do it comfortably。 Or if they want to do it out
of doors they have a ruined abbey； with a big stone seat
