from this world to the next-第15章

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city；　had　Peronne　restored　to　him　by　count　Altmar。　　Baldwin　came

to　court　in　order　to　procure　the　restoration　of　his　city；　but；

either　through　pride　or　ignorance；　neglected　to　apply　to　me。　　As

I　met　him　at　court　during　his　solicitation；　I　told　him　he　did　not

apply　the　right　way；　he　answered　roughly　he　should　not　ask　a

fool's　advice。　　I　replied　I　did　not　wonder　at　his　prejudice；

since　he　had　miscarried　already　by　following　a　fool's　advice；　but

I　told　him　there　were　fools　who　had　more　interest　than　that　he

had　brought　with　him　to　court。　　He　answered　me　surlily　he　had　no

fool　with　him；　for　that　he　traveled　alone。　　'Ay；　my　lord；'　says

I；　'I　often　travel　alone；　and　yet　they　will　have　it　I　always

carry　a　fool　with　me。'　　This　raised　a　laugh　among　the

by…standers；　on　which　he　gave　me　a　blow。　　I　immediately

complained　of　this　　usage　to　the　Simple；　who　dismissed　the　earl

from　court　with　very　hard　words；　instead　of　granting　him　the

favor　he　solicited。



〃I　give　you　these　rather　as　a　specimen　of　my　interest　and

impudence　than　of　my　witindeed；　my　jests　were　commonly　more

admired　than　they　ought　to　be；　for　perhaps　I　was　not　in　reality

much　more　a　wit　than　a　fool。　　But；　with　the　latitude　of　unbounded

scurrility；　it　is　easy　enough　to　attain　the　character　of　wit；

especially　in　a　court；　where；　as　all　persons　hate　and　envy　one

another　heartily；　and　are　at　the　same　time　obliged　by　the

constrained　behavior　of　civility　to　profess　the　greatest　liking；

so　it　is；　and　must　be；　wonderfully　pleasant　to　them　to　see　the

follies　of　their　acquaintance　exposed　by　a　third　person。　

Besides；　the　opinion　of　the　court　is　as　uniform　as　the　fashion；

and　is　always　guided　by　the　will　of　the　prince　or　of　the

favorite。　　I　doubt　not　that　Caligula's　horse　was　universally　held

in　his　court　to　be　a　good　and　able　consul。　　In　the　same　manner

was　I　universally　acknowledged　to　be　the　wittiest　fool　in　the

world。　　Every　word　I　said　raised　laughter；　and　was　held　to　be　a

jest；　especially　by　the　ladies；　who　sometimes　laughed　before　I

had　discovered　my　sentiment；　and　often　repeated　that　as　a　jest

which　I　did　not　even　intend　as　one。



〃I　was　as　severe　on　the　ladies　as　on　the　men；　and　with　the　same

impunity；　but　this　at　last　cost　me　dear：　　for　once　having　joked

on　the　beauty　of　a　lady　whose　name　was　Adelaide；　a　favorite　of

the　Simple's；　she　pretended　to　smile　and　be　pleased　at　my　wit

with　the　rest　of　the　company；　but　in　reality　she　highly　resented

it；　and　endeavored　to　undermine　me　with　the　king。　　In　which　she

so　greatly　succeeded　（for　what　cannot　a　favorite　woman　do　with

one　who　deserves　the　surname　of　Simple？）　that　the　king　grew　every

day　more　reserved　to　me；　and　when　I　attempted　any　freedom　gave　me

such　marks　of　his　displeasure；　that　the　courtiers　who　have　all

hawks'　eyes　at　a　slight　from　the　sovereign；　soon　discerned　it：

and　indeed；　had　I　been　blind　enough　not　to　have　discovered　that　I

had　lost　ground　in　the　Simple's　favor　by　his　own　change　in　his

carriage　towards　me；　I　must　have　found　it；　nay　even　felt　it；　in

the　behavior　of　the　courtiers：　　for；　as　my　company　was　two　days

before　solicited　with　the　utmost　eagerness；　it　was　now　rejected

with　as　much　scorn。　　I　was　now　the　jest　of　the　ushers　and　pages；

and　an　officer　of　the　guards；　on　whom　I　was　a　little　jocose；　gave

me　a　box　on　the　ear；　bidding　me　make　free　with　my　equals。　　This

very　fellow　had　been　my　butt　for　many　years；　without　daring　to

lift　his　hand　against　me。



〃But　though　I　visibly　perceived　the　alteration　in　the　Simple；　I

was　utterly　unable　to　make　any　guess　at　the　occasion。　　I　had　not

the　least　suspicion　of　Adelaide；　for；　besides　her　being　a　very

good…humored　woman；　I　had　often　made　severe　jests　on　her

reputation；　which　I　had　all　the　reason　imaginable　to　believe　had

given　her　no　offense。　　But　I　soon　perceived　that　a　woman　will

bear　the　most　bitter　censures　on　her　morals　easier　than　the

smallest　reflection　on　her　beauty；　for　she　now　declared　publicly；

that　I　ought　to　be　dismissed　from　court；　as　the　stupidest　of

fools；　and　one　in　whom　there　was　no　diversion；　and　that　she

wondered　how　any　person　could　have　so　little　taste　as　to　imagine

I　had　any　wit。　　This　speech　was　echoed　through　the　drawing…room；

and　agreed　to　by　all　present。　　Every　one　now　put　on　an　unusual

gravity　on　their　countenance　whenever　I　spoke；　and　it　was　as　much

out　of　my　power　to　raise　a　laugh　as　formerly　it　had　been　for　me

to　open　my　mouth　without　one。



〃While　my　affairs　were　in　this　posture　I　went　one　day　into　the

circle　without　my　fool's　dress。　　The　Simple；　who　would　still

speak　to　me；　cried　out；　'So；　fool；　what's　the　matter　now？'　

'Sir；'　answered　I；　'fools　are　like　to　be　so　common　a　commodity　at

court；　that　I　am　weary　of　my　coat。'　　'How　dost　thou　mean？'

answered　the　Simple；　'what　can　make　them　commoner　now　than

usual？''O；　sir；'　said　I；　'there　are　ladies　here　make　your

majesty　a　fool　every　day　of　their　lives。'　　The　Simple　took　no

notice　of　my　jest；　and　several　present　said　my　bones　ought　to　be

broke　for　my　impudence；　but　it　pleased　the　queen；　who；　knowing

Adelaide；　whom　she　hated；　to　be　the　cause　of　my　disgrace；

obtained　me　of　the　king；　and　took　me　into　her　service；　so　that　I

was　henceforth　called　the　queen's　fool；　and　in　her　court　received

the　same　honor；　and　had　as　much　wit；　as　I　had　formerly　had　in　the

king's。　　But　as　the　queen　had　really　no　power　unless　over　her　own

domestics；　I　was　not　treated　in　general　with　that　complacence；

nor　did　I　receive　those　bribes　and　presents；　which　had　once

fallen　to　my　share。　　



〃Nor　did　this　confined　respect　continue　long：　　for　the　queen；　who

had　in　fact　no　taste　for　humor；　soon　grew　sick　of　my　foolery；

and；　forgetting　the　cause　for　which　she　had　taken　me；　neglected

me　so　much；　that　her　court　grew　intolerable　to　my　temper；　and　I

broke　my　heart　and　died。　　



〃Minos　laughed　heartily　at　several　things　in　my　story；　and

then；　telling　me　no　one　played　the　fool　in　Elysium；　bid　me　go

back　again。〃





CHAPTER　XIX



Julian　appears　in　the　character　of　a　beggar。



〃I　now　returned　to　Rome；　and　was　born　into　a　very　poor　and

numerous　family；　which；　to　be　honest　with　you；　procured　its

livelihood　by　begging。　　This；　if　you　was　never　yourself　of　the

calling；　you　do　not　know；　I　suppose；　to　be　as　regular　a　trade　as

any　other；　to　have　its　several　rules　and　secrets；　or　mysteries；

which　to　learn　require　perhaps　as　tedious　an　apprenticeship　as

those　of　any　craft　whatever。



〃The　first　thing　we　are　taught　is　the　countenance　miserable。　

This　indeed　nature　makes　much　easier　to　some　than　others；　but

there　are　none　who　cannot　accomplish　it；　if　they　begin　early

enough　in　youth；　and　before　the　muscles　are　grown　too　stubborn。



〃The　second　thing　is　the　voice　lamentable。　　In　this　qualification

too；　nature　must　have　her　share　in　producing　the　most　consummate

excellence：　　however；　art　will　here；　as　in　every　other　instance；

go　a　great　way　with　industry　and　application；　even　without　the

assistance　of　genius；　especially　if　the　student　begins　young。



〃There　are　many　other　instructions；　but　these　are　the　most

considerable。　　The　women　are　taught　one　practice　more　than　the

men；　for　they　are　instructed　in　the　art　of　crying；　that　is；　to

have　their　tears　ready　on　all　occasions：　　but　this　is　attained

very　easily　by　most。　　Some　indeed　arrive　at　the　utmost　perfection

in　this　art　with　incredible　facility。



〃No　profession　requires　a　deeper　insight　into　human　nature　than

the　beggar's。　　Their　knowledge　of　the　passions　of　men　is　so

extensive；　that　I　have　often　thought　it　would　be　of　no　little

service　to　a　politician　to　have　his　education　among　them。　　Nay；

there　is　a　much　greater　analogy　between　these　two　characters　than

is　imagined；　for　both　concur　in　their　first　and　grand　principle；

it　being　equally　their　business　to　delude　and　impose　on　mankind。　

It　must　be　confessed　that　they　differ　widely　in　the　degree　of

advantage　which　they　make　by　their　deceit；　for；　whereas　the

beggar　is　contented　with　a　little；　the　politician　leaves　but　a

little　behind。



〃A　very　great　English　philosopher　hath　remarked　our　policy；　in

taking　care　never　to　address　any　one　with　a　title　inferior　to

what　he　really　claims。　　My　father　was　of　the　same　opinion；　for　I

remember　when　I　was　a　boy；　the　pope　happening　to　pass　by；　I

tended　him　with　'Pray；　sir；'　'For　God's　sake；　sir；'　　'For　the

Lord's　sake；　sir；'To　which　he　answered　gravely；　'Sirrah；

sirrah；　you　ought　to　be　whipped　for　taking　the　Lord's　name　in

vain；'　and　in　vain　it　was　indeed；　for　he　gave　me　nothing。　　My

father；　overhearing　this；　took　his　advice；　and　whipped　me　very

severely。　　While　I　was　under　correction　I　promised　often　never　to

take　the　Lord's　name　in　vain　any　more。　　My　father　then　said；

'Child；　I　do　not　whip　you　for　taking　his　name　in　vain；　I　whip　you

for　not　calling　the　pope　his　holiness。'



〃If　all　men　were　so　wise　and　good　to　follow　the　clergy's　example；

the　nuisance　of　beggars　would　soon　be　removed。　　I　do　not　remember

to　have　been　above　twice　relieved　by　them　during　my　whole　state

of　beggary。　　Once　was　by　a　very　well…looking　man；　who　gave　me　a

small　piece　of　silver；　and　declared　he　had　given　me　more　than　he

had　left　himself；　the　other　was　by　a　spruce　young　fellow；　who　had

that　very　day　first　put　on　his　robes；　whom　I　attended　with　'Pray；

reverend　sir；　good　reverend　sir；　consider　your　cloth。'　　He

answered；　'I　do；　child；　consider　my　office；　and　I　hope　all　our

cloth　do　the　same。'　　He　then　threw　down　some　money；　and　strutted

off　with　great　dignity。　　



〃With　the　women　I　had　one　general　formulary：　　'Sweet　pretty

lady；'　'God　bless　your　ladyship；'　'God　bless　your　handsome　face。'

This　generally　succeeded；　but　I　observed　the　uglier　the　woman

was；　the　surer　I　was　of　success。



〃It　was　a　constant　maxim　among　us；　that　the　greater　retinue　any

one　traveled　with　the　less　expectation　we　might　promise　ourselves

from　them；　but　whenever　we　saw　a　vehicle　with　a　single　or　no

servant　we　imagined　our　booty　sure；　and　were　seldom　deceived。



〃We　observed　great　difference　introduced　by　time　and　circumstance

in　the　same　person；　for　instance；　a　losing　gamester　is　sometimes

generous；　but　from　a　winner　you　will　as　easily　obtain　his　soul　as

a　single　groat。　　A　lawyer　traveling　from　his　country　seat　to　his

clients　at　Rome；　and　a　physician　going　to　visit　a　patient；　were

always　worth　asking；　but　the　same　on　their　return　were　（according

to　our　cant　phrase）　untouchable。　　



〃The　most　general；　and　indeed　the　truest；　maxim　among　us　was；

that　those　who　possessed　the　least　were　always　the　readiest　to

give。　　The　chief　art　of　a　beggar…man　is；　therefore；　to　discern

the　rich　from　the　poor；　which；　though　it　be　only　distinguishing

substance　from　shadow；　is　by　no　means　attainable　without　a　pretty

good　capacity　and　a　vast　degree　of　attention；　for　these　two　are

eternally　industrious　in　endeavoring　to　counterfeit　each　other。　

In　this　deceit　t