three men on the bummel-第1章

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Three　Men　on　the　Bummel

by　Jerome　K。　Jerome





CHAPTER　I



Three　men　need　changeAnecdote　showing　evil　result　of　deception
Moral　cowardice　of　GeorgeHarris　has　ideasYarn　of　the　Ancient
Mariner　and　the　Inexperienced　YachtsmanA　hearty　crewDanger　of
sailing　when　the　wind　is　off　the　landImpossibility　of　sailing
when　the　wind　is　off　the　seaThe　argumentativeness　of　Ethelbertha…
…The　dampness　of　the　riverHarris　suggests　a　bicycle　tourGeorge
thinks　of　the　windHarris　suggests　the　Black　ForestGeorge　thinks
of　the　hillsPlan　adopted　by　Harris　for　ascent　of　hills
Interruption　by　Mrs。　Harris。

〃What　we　want；〃　said　Harris；　〃is　a　change。〃

At　this　moment　the　door　opened；　and　Mrs。　Harris　put　her　head　in　to
say　that　Ethelbertha　had　sent　her　to　remind　me　that　we　must　not　be
late　getting　home　because　of　Clarence。　　Ethelbertha；　I　am　inclined
to　think；　is　unnecessarily　nervous　about　the　children。　　As　a　matter
of　fact；　there　was　nothing　wrong　with　the　child　whatever。　　He　had
been　out　with　his　aunt　that　morning；　and　if　he　looks　wistfully　at　a
pastrycook's　window　she　takes　him　inside　and　buys　him　cream　buns
and　〃maids…of…honour〃　until　he　insists　that　he　has　had　enough；　and
politely；　but　firmly；　refuses　to　eat　another　anything。　　Then；　of
course；　he　wants　only　one　helping　of　pudding　at　lunch；　and
Ethelbertha　thinks　he　is　sickening　for　something。　　Mrs。　Harris
added　that　it　would　be　as　well　for　us　to　come　upstairs　soon；　on　our
own　account　also；　as　otherwise　we　should　miss　Muriel's　rendering　of
〃The　Mad　Hatter's　Tea　Party；〃　out　of　Alice　in　Wonderland。　　Muriel
is　Harris's　second；　age　eight：　　she　is　a　bright；　intelligent　child；
but　I　prefer　her　myself　in　serious　pieces。　　We　said　we　would　finish
our　cigarettes　and　follow　almost　immediately；　we　also　begged　her
not　to　let　Muriel　begin　until　we　arrived。　　She　promised　to　hold　the
child　back　as　long　as　possible；　and　went。　　Harris；　as　soon　as　the
door　was　closed；　resumed　his　interrupted　sentence。

〃You　know　what　I　mean；〃　he　said；　〃a　complete　change。〃

The　question　was　how　to　get　it。

George　suggested　〃business。〃　　It　was　the　sort　of　suggestion　George
would　make。　　A　bachelor　thinks　a　married　woman　doesn't　know　enough
to　get　out　of　the　way　of　a　steam…roller。　　I　knew　a　young　fellow
once；　an　engineer；　who　thought　he　would　go　to　Vienna　〃on　business。〃
His　wife　wanted　to　know　〃what　business？〃　　He　told　her　it　would　be
his　duty　to　visit　the　mines　in　the　neighbourhood　of　the　Austrian
capital；　and　to　make　reports。　　She　said　she　would　go　with　him；　she
was　that　sort　of　woman。　　He　tried　to　dissuade　her：　　he　told　her
that　a　mine　was　no　place　for　a　beautiful　woman。　　She　said　she　felt
that　herself；　and　that　therefore　she　did　not　intend　to　accompany
him　down　the　shafts；　she　would　see　him　off　in　the　morning；　and　then
amuse　herself　until　his　return；　looking　round　the　Vienna　shops；　and
buying　a　few　things　she　might　want。　　Having　started　the　idea；　he
did　not　see　very　well　how　to　get　out　of　it；　and　for　ten　long　summer
days　he　did　visit　the　mines　in　the　neighbourhood　of　Vienna；　and　in
the　evening　wrote　reports　about　them；　which　she　posted　for　him　to
his　firm；　who　didn't　want　them。

I　should　be　grieved　to　think　that　either　Ethelbertha　or　Mrs。　Harris
belonged　to　that　class　of　wife；　but　it　is　as　well　not　to　overdo
〃business〃it　should　be　kept　for　cases　of　real　emergency。

〃No；〃　I　said；　〃the　thing　is　to　be　frank　and　manly。　　I　shall　tell
Ethelbertha　that　I　have　come　to　the　conclusion　a　man　never　values
happiness　that　is　always　with　him。　　I　shall　tell　her　that；　for　the
sake　of　learning　to　appreciate　my　own　advantages　as　I　know　they
should　be　appreciated；　I　intend　to　tear　myself　away　from　her　and
the　children　for　at　least　three　weeks。　　I　shall　tell　her；〃　I
continued；　turning　to　Harris；　〃that　it　is　you　who　have　shown　me　my
duty　in　this　respect；　that　it　is　to　you　we　shall　owe〃

Harris　put　down　his　glass　rather　hurriedly。

〃If　you　don't　mind；　old　man；〃　he　interrupted；　〃I'd　really　rather
you　didn't。　　She'll　talk　it　over　with　my　wife；　andwell；　I　should
not　be　happy；　taking　credit　that　I　do　not　deserve。〃

〃But　you　do　deserve　it；〃　I　insisted；　〃it　was　your　suggestion。〃

〃It　was　you　gave　me　the　idea；〃　interrupted　Harris　again。　　〃You　know
you　said　it　was　a　mistake　for　a　man　to　get　into　a　groove；　and　that
unbroken　domesticity　cloyed　the　brain。〃

〃I　was　speaking　generally；〃　I　explained。

〃It　struck　me　as　very　apt；〃　said　Harris。　　〃I　thought　of　repeating
it　to　Clara；　she　has　a　great　opinion　of　your　sense；　I　know。　　I　am
sure　that　if〃

〃We　won't　risk　it；〃　I　interrupted；　in　my　turn；　〃it　is　a　delicate
matter；　and　I　see　a　way　out　of　it。　　We　will　say　George　suggested
the　idea。〃

There　is　a　lack　of　genial　helpfulness　about　George　that　it
sometimes　vexes　me　to　notice。　　You　would　have　thought　he　would　have
welcomed　the　chance　of　assisting　two　old　friends　out　of　a　dilemma；
instead；　he　became　disagreeable。

〃You　do；〃　said　George；　〃and　I　shall　tell　them　both　that　my　original
plan　was　that　we　should　make　a　partychildren　and　all；　that　I
should　bring　my　aunt；　and　that　we　should　hire　a　charming　old
chateau　I　know　of　in　Normandy；　on　the　coast；　where　the　climate　is
peculiarly　adapted　to　delicate　children；　and　the　milk　such　as　you
do　not　get　in　England。　　I　shall　add　that　you　over…rode　that
suggestion；　arguing　we　should　be　happier　by　ourselves。〃

With　a　man　like　George　kindness　is　of　no　use；　you　have　to　be　firm。

〃You　do；〃　said　Harris；　〃and　I；　for　one；　will　close　with　the　offer。
We　will　just　take　that　chateau。　　You　will　bring　your　auntI　will
see　to　that；and　we　will　have　a　month　of　it。　　The　children　are　all
fond　of　you；　J。　and　I　will　be　nowhere。　　You've　promised　to　teach
Edgar　fishing；　and　it　is　you　who　will　have　to　play　wild　beasts。
Since　last　Sunday　Dick　and　Muriel　have　talked　of　nothing　else　but
your　hippopotamus。　　We　will　picnic　in　the　woodsthere　will　only　be
eleven　of　us；and　in　the　evenings　we　will　have　music　and
recitations。　　Muriel　is　master　of　six　pieces　already；　as　perhaps
you　know；　and　all　the　other　children　are　quick　studies。〃

George　climbed　downhe　has　no　real　couragebut　he　did　not　do　it
gracefully。　　He　said　that　if　we　were　mean　and　cowardly　and　false…
hearted　enough　to　stoop　to　such　a　shabby　trick；　he　supposed　he
couldn't　help　it；　and　that　if　I　didn't　intend　to　finish　the　whole
bottle　of　claret　myself；　he　would　trouble　me　to　spare　him　a　glass。
He　also　added；　somewhat　illogically；　that　it　really　did　not　matter；
seeing　both　Ethelbertha　and　Mrs。　Harris　were　women　of　sense　who
would　judge　him　better　than　to　believe　for　a　moment　that　the
suggestion　emanated　from　him。

This　little　point　settled；　the　question　was：　　What　sort　of　a
change？

Harris；　as　usual；　was　for　the　sea。　　He　said　he　knew　a　yacht；　just
the　very　thingone　that　we　could　manage　by　ourselves；　no　skulking
lot　of　lubbers　loafing　about；　adding　to　the　expense　and　taking　away
from　the　romance。　　Give　him　a　handy　boy；　he　would　sail　it　himself。
We　knew　that　yacht；　and　we　told　him　so；　we　had　been　on　it　with
Harris　before。　　It　smells　of　bilge…water　and　greens　to　the
exclusion　of　all　other　scents；　no　ordinary　sea　air　can　hope　to　head
against　it。　　So　far　as　sense　of　smell　is　concerned；　one　might　be
spending　a　week　in　Limehouse　Hole。　　There　is　no　place　to　get　out　of
the　rain；　the　saloon　is　ten　feet　by　four；　and　half　of　that　is　taken
up　by　a　stove；　which　falls　to　pieces　when　you　go　to　light　it。　　You
have　to　take　your　bath　on　deck；　and　the　towel　blows　overboard　just
as　you　step　out　of　the　tub。　　Harris　and　the　boy　do　all　the
interesting　workthe　lugging　and　the　reefing；　the　letting　her　go
and　the　heeling　her　over；　and　all　that　sort　of　thing；leaving
George　and　myself　to　do　the　peeling　of　the　potatoes　and　the　washing
up。

〃Very　well；　then；〃　said　Harris；　〃let's　take　a　proper　yacht；　with　a
skipper；　and　do　the　thing　in　style。〃

That　also　I　objected　to。　　I　know　that　skipper；　his　notion　of
yachting　is　to　lie　in　what　he　calls　the　〃offing；〃　where　he　can　be
well　in　touch　with　his　wife　and　family；　to　say　nothing　of　his
favourite　public…house。

Years　ago；　when　I　was　young　and　inexperienced；　I　hired　a　yacht
myself。　　Three　things　had　combined　to　lead　me　into　this
foolishness：　　I　had　had　a　stroke　of　unexpected　luck；　Ethelbertha
had　expressed　a　yearning　for　sea　air；　and　the　very　next　morning；　in
taking　up　casually　at　the　club　a　copy　of　the　Sportsman；　I　had　come
across　the　following　advertisement：…


TO　YACHTSMEN。Unique　Opportunity。〃Rogue；〃　28…ton　Yawl。Owner；
called　away　suddenly　on　business；　is　willing　to　let　this　superbly…
fitted　〃greyhound　of　the　sea〃　for　any　period　short　or　long。　　Two
cabins　and　saloon；　pianette；　by　Woffenkoff；　new　copper。　　Terms；　10
guineas　a　week。Apply　Pertwee　and　Co。；　3A　Bucklersbury。


It　had　seemed　to　me　like　the　answer　to　a　prayer。　　〃The　new　copper〃
did　not　interest　me；　what　little　washing　we　might　want　could　wait；
I　thought。　　But　the　〃pianette　by　Woffenkoff〃　sounded　alluring。　　I
pictured　Ethelbertha　playing　in　the　eveningsomething　with　a
chorus；　in　which；　perhaps；　the　crew；　with　a　little　training；　might
joinwhile　our　moving　home　bounded；　〃greyhound…like；〃　over　the
silvery　billows。

I　took　a　cab　and　drove　direct　to　3A　Bucklersbury。　　Mr。　Pertwee　was
an　unpretentious…looking　gentleman；　who　had　an　unostentatious
office　on　the　third　floor。　　He　showed　me　a　picture　in　water…colours
of　the　Rogue　flying　before　the　wind。　　The　deck　was　at　an　angle　of
95　to　the　ocean。　　In　the　picture　no　human　beings　were　represented
on　the　deck；　I　suppose　they　had　slipped　off。　　Indeed；　I　do　not　see
how　anyone　could　have　kept　on；　unless　nailed。　　I　pointed　out　this
disadvantage　to　the　agent；　who；　however；　explained　to　me　that　the
picture　represented　the　Rogue　doubling　something　or　other　on　the
well…known　occasion　of　her　winning　the　Medway　Challenge　Shield。
Mr。　Pertwee　assumed　that　I　knew　all　about　the　event；　so　that　I　did
not　like　to　ask　any　questions。　　Two　specks　near　the　frame　of　the
picture；　which　at　first　I　had　taken　for　moths；　represented；　it
appeared；　the　second　and　third　winners　in　this　celebrated　race。　　A
photograph　of　the　yacht　at　anchor　off　Gravesend　was　less
impressive；　but　suggested　more　stability。　　All　answers　to　my
inquiries　being　satisfactory；　I　took　the　thing　for　a　fortnight。
Mr。　Pertwee　said　it　was　fortunate　I　wanted　it　only　for　a　fortnight…
…later　on　I　came　to　agree　with　him；the　time　fitting　in　exactly
with　another　hiring。　　Had　I　required　it　for　three　weeks　he　would
have　been　compelled　to　refuse　me。

The　letting　being　thus　arranged；　Mr。　Pertwee　asked　me　if　I　had　a
skipper　in　my　eye。　　That　I　had　not　was　also　fortunatethings
seemed　to　be　turning　out　luckily　for　me　all　round；because　Mr。
Pertwee　felt　sure　I　could　not　do　better　than　keep　on　Mr。　Goyles；　at
present　in　chargean　excellent　skipper；　so　Mr。　Pertwee　assured　me；
a　man　who　knew　the　sea　as　a　man　knows　his　own　wife；　and　who　had
never　lost　a　life。

It　was　still　early　in　the　day；　and　the　yacht　was　lying　off　Harwich。
I　caught　the　ten　forty…five　from　Liverpool　Street；　and　by　one
o'clock　was　talking　to　Mr。　Goyles　on　deck。　　He　was　a　stout　man；　and
had　a　fatherly　way　with　him。　　I　told　him　my　idea；　which　was　to　take
the　outlying　Dutch　islands　and　then　creep　up　to　Norway。　　He　said；