three men on the bummel-第10章

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black　and　brown　boots。　　Inside；　the　shop　was　a　bower　of　boots。　　The
man；　when　we　entered；　was　busy　with　a　chisel　and　hammer　opening　a
new　crate　full　of　boots。

George　raised　his　hat；　and　said　〃Good…morning。〃

The　man　did　not　even　turn　round。　　He　struck　me　from　the　first　as　a
disagreeable　man。　　He　grunted　something　which　might　have　been
〃Good…morning；〃　or　might　not；　and　went　on　with　his　work。

George　said：　　〃I　have　been　recommended　to　your　shop　by　my　friend；
Mr。　X。〃

In　response；　the　man　should　have　said：　　〃Mr。　X。　is　a　most　worthy
gentleman；　it　will　give　me　the　greatest　pleasure　to　serve　any
friend　of　his。〃

What　he　did　say　was：　　〃Don't　know　him；　never　heard　of　him。〃

This　was　disconcerting。　　The　book　gave　three　or　four　methods　of
buying　boots；　George　had　carefully　selected　the　one　centred　round
〃Mr。　X；〃　as　being　of　all　the　most　courtly。　　You　talked　a　good　deal
with　the　shopkeeper　about　this　〃Mr。　X；〃　and　then；　when　by　this
means　friendship　and　understanding　had　been　established；　you　slid
naturally　and　gracefully　into　the　immediate　object　of　your　coming；
namely；　your　desire　for　boots；　〃cheap　and　good。〃　　This　gross；
material　man　cared；　apparently；　nothing　for　the　niceties　of　retail
dealing。　　It　was　necessary　with　such　an　one　to　come　to　business
with　brutal　directness。　　George　abandoned　〃Mr。　X；〃　and　turning　back
to　a　previous　page；　took　a　sentence　at　random。　　It　was　not　a　happy
selection；　it　was　a　speech　that　would　have　been　superfluous　made　to
any　bootmaker。　　Under　the　present　circumstances；　threatened　and
stifled　as　we　were　on　every　side　by　boots；　it　possessed　the　dignity
of　positive　imbecilitiy。　　It　ran：…　〃One　has　told　me　that　you　have
here　boots　for　sale。〃

For　the　first　time　the　man　put　down　his　hammer　and　chisel；　and
looked　at　us。　　He　spoke　slowly；　in　a　thick　and　husky　voice。　　He
said：

〃What　d'ye　think　I　keep　boots　forto　smell　'em？〃

He　was　one　of　those　men　that　begin　quietly　and　grow　more　angry　as
they　proceed；　their　wrongs　apparently　working　within　them　like
yeast。

〃What　d'ye　think　I　am；〃　he　continued；　〃a　boot　collector？　　What　d'ye
think　I'm　running　this　shop　formy　health？　　D'ye　think　I　love　the
boots；　and　can't　bear　to　part　with　a　pair？　　D'ye　think　I　hang　'em
about　here　to　look　at　'em？　　Ain't　there　enough　of　'em？　　Where　d'ye
think　you　arein　an　international　exhibition　of　boots？　　What　d'ye
think　these　boots　area　historical　collection？　　Did　you　ever　hear
of　a　man　keeping　a　boot　shop　and　not　selling　boots？　　D'ye　think　I
decorate　the　shop　with　'em　to　make　it　look　pretty？　　What　d'ye　take
me　fora　prize　idiot？〃

I　have　always　maintained　that　these　conversation　books　are　never　of
any　real　use。　　What　we　wanted　was　some　English　equivalent　for　the
well…known　German　idiom：　　〃Behalten　Sie　Ihr　Haar　auf。〃

Nothing　of　the　sort　was　to　be　found　in　the　book　from　beginning　to
end。　　However；　I　will　do　George　the　credit　to　admit　he　chose　the
very　best　sentence　that　was　to　be　found　therein　and　applied　it。　　He
said：。

〃I　will　come　again；　when；　perhaps；　you　will　have　some　more　boots　to
show　me。　　Till　then；　adieu！〃

With　that　we　returned　to　our　cab　and　drove　away；　leaving　the　man
standing　in　the　centre　of　his　boot…bedecked　doorway　addressing
remarks　to　us。　　What　he　said；　I　did　not　hear；　but　the　passers…by
appeared　to　find　it　interesting。

George　was　for　stopping　at　another　boot　shop　and　trying　the
experiment　afresh；　he　said　he　really　did　want　a　pair　of　bedroom
slippers。　　But　we　persuaded　him　to　postpone　their　purchase　until
our　arrival　in　some　foreign　city；　where　the　tradespeople　are　no
doubt　more　inured　to　this　sort　of　talk；　or　else　more　naturally
amiable。　　On　the　subject　of　the　hat；　however；　he　was　adamant。　　He
maintained　that　without　that　he　could　not　travel；　and；　accordingly；
we　pulled　up　at　a　small　shop　in　the　Blackfriars　Road。

The　proprietor　of　this　shop　was　a　cheery；　bright…eyed　little　man；
and　he　helped　us　rather　than　hindered　us。

When　George　asked　him　in　the　words　of　the　book；　〃Have　you　any
hats？〃　he　did　not　get　angry；　he　just　stopped　and　thoughtfully
scratched　his　chin。

〃Hats；〃　said　he。　　〃Let　me　think。　　Yes〃here　a　smile　of　positive
pleasure　broke　over　his　genial　countenance〃yes；　now　I　come　to
think　of　it；　I　believe　I　have　a　hat。　　But；　tell　me；　why　do　you　ask
me？〃

George　explained　to　him　that　he　wished　to　purchase　a　cap；　a
travelling　cap；　but　the　essence　of　the　transaction　was　that　it　was
to　be　a　〃good　cap。〃

The　man's　face　fell。

〃Ah；〃　he　remarked；　〃there；　I　am　afraid；　you　have　me。　　Now；　if　you
had　wanted　a　bad　cap；　not　worth　the　price　asked　for　it；　a　cap　good
for　nothing　but　to　clean　windows　with；　I　could　have　found　you　the
very　thing。　　But　a　good　capno；　we　don't　keep　them。　　But　wait　a
minute；〃　he　continued；on　seeing　the　disappointment　that　spread
over　George's　expressive　countenance；　〃don't　be　in　a　hurry。　　I　have
a　cap　here〃he　went　to　a　drawer　and　opened　it〃it　is　not　a　good
cap；　but　it　is　not　so　bad　as　most　of　the　caps　I　sell。〃

He　brought　it　forward；　extended　on　his　palm。

〃What　do　you　think　of　that？〃　he　asked。　　〃Could　you　put　up　with
that？〃

George　fitted　it　on　before　the　glass；　and；　choosing　another　remark
from　the　book；　said：

〃This　hat　fits　me　sufficiently　well；　but；　tell　me；　do　you　consider
that　it　becomes　me？〃

The　man　stepped　back　and　took　a　bird's…eye　view。

〃Candidly；〃　he　replied；　〃I　can't　say　that　it　does。〃

He　turned　from　George；　and　addressed　himself　to　Harris　and　myself。

〃Your　friend's　beauty；〃　said　he；　〃I　should　describe　as　elusive。　　It
is　there；　but　you　can　easily　miss　it。　　Now；　in　that　cap；　to　my
mind；　you　do　miss　it。〃

At　that　point　it　occurred　to　George　that　he　had　had　sufficient　fun
with　this　particular　man。　　He　said：

〃That　is　all　right。　　We　don't　want　to　lose　the　train。　　How　much？〃

Answered　the　man：　　〃The　price　of　that　cap；　sir；　which；　in　my
opinion；　is　twice　as　much　as　it　is　worth；　is　four…and…six。　　Would
you　like　it　wrapped　up　in　brown　paper；　sir；　or　in　white？〃

George　said　he　would　take　it　as　it　was；　paid　the　man　four…and…six
in…silver；　and　went　out。　　Harris　and　I　followed。

At　Fenchurch　Street　we　compromised　with　our　cabman　for　five
shillings。　　He　made　us　another　courtly　bow；　and　begged　us　to
remember　him　to　the　Emperor　of　Austria。

Comparing　views　in　the　train；　we　agreed　that　we　had　lost　the　game
by　two　points　to　one；　and　George；　who　was　evidently　disappointed；
threw　the　book　out　of　window。

We　found　our　luggage　and　the　bicycles　safe　on　the　boat；　and　with
the　tide　at　twelve　dropped　down　the　river。



CHAPTER　V



A　necessary　digressionIntroduced　by　story　containing　moralOne
of　the　charms　of　this　bookThe　Journal　that　did　not　command
successIts　boast：　　〃Instruction　combined　with　Amusement〃
Problem：　　say　what　should　be　considered　instructive　and　what
amusingA　popular　gameExpert　opinion　on　English　lawAnother　of
the　charms　of　this　bookA　hackneyed　tuneYet　a　third　charm　of
this　bookThe　sort　of　wood　it　was　where　the　maiden　lived
Description　of　the　Black　Forest。

A　story　is　told　of　a　Scotchman　who；　loving　a　lassie；　desired　her
for　his　wife。　　But　he　possessed　the　prudence　of　his　race。　　He　had
noticed　in　his　circle　many　an　otherwise　promising　union　result　in
disappointment　and　dismay；　purely　in　consequence　of　the　false
estimate　formed　by　bride　or　bridegroom　concerning　the　imagined
perfectability　of　the　other。　　He　determined　that　in　his　own　case　no
collapsed　ideal　should　be　possible。　　Therefore；　it　was　that　his
proposal　took　the　following　form：

〃I'm　but　a　puir　lad；　Jennie；　I　hae　nae　siller　to　offer　ye；　and　nae
land。〃

〃Ah；　but　ye　hae　yoursel'；　Davie！〃

〃An'　I'm　wishfu'　it　wa'　onything　else；　lassie。　　I'm　nae　but　a　puir
ill…seasoned　loon；　Jennie。〃

〃Na；　na；　there's　mony　a　lad　mair　ill…looking　than　yoursel'；　Davie。〃

〃I　hae　na　seen　him；　lass；　and　I'm　just　a…thinkin'　I　shouldna'　care
to。〃

〃Better　a　plain　man；　Davie；　that　ye　can　depend　a'　than　ane　that
would　be　a　speirin'　at　the　lassies；　a…bringin'　trouble　into　the
hame　wi'　his　flouting　ways。〃

〃Dinna　ye　reckon　on　that；　Jennie；　it's　nae　the　bonniest　Bubbly　Jock
that　mak's　the　most　feathers　to　fly　in　the　kailyard。　　I　was　ever　a
lad　to　run　after　the　petticoats；　as　is　weel　kent；　an'　it's　a　weary
handfu'　I'll　be　to　ye；　I'm　thinkin'。〃

〃Ah；　but　ye　hae　a　kind　heart；　Davie！　an'　ye　love　me　weel。　　I'm　sure
on't。〃

〃I　like　ye　weel　enoo'；　Jennie；　though　I　canna　say　how　long　the
feeling　may　bide　wi'　me；　an'　I'm　kind　enoo'　when　I　hae　my　ain　way；
an'　naethin'　happens　to　put　me　oot。　　But　I　hae　the　deevil's　ain
temper；　as　my　mither　call　tell　ye；　an'　like　my　puir　fayther；　I'm　a…
thinkin'；　I'll　grow　nae　better　as　I　grow　mair　auld。〃

〃Ay；　but　ye're　sair　hard　upon　yersel'；　Davie。　　Ye're　an　honest　lad。
I　ken　ye　better　than　ye　ken　yersel'；　an'　ye'll　mak　a　guid　hame　for
me。〃

〃Maybe；　Jennie！　　But　I　hae　my　doots。　　It's　a　sair　thing　for　wife
an'　bairns　when　the　guid　man　canna　keep　awa'　frae　the　glass；　an'
when　the　scent　of　the　whusky　comes　to　me　it's　just　as　though　I
hae'd　the　throat　o'　a　Loch　Tay　salmon；　it　just　gaes　doon　an'　doon；
an'　there's　nae　filling　o'　me。〃

〃Ay；　but　ye're　a　guid　man　when　ye're　sober；　Davie。〃

〃Maybe　I'll　be　that；　Jennie；　if　I'm　nae　disturbed。〃

〃An'　ye'll　bide　wi'　me；　Davie；　an'　work　for　me？〃

〃I　see　nae　reason　why　I　shouldna　bide　wi'　yet　Jennie；　but　dinna　ye
clack　aboot　work　to　me；　for　I　just　canna　bear　the　thoct　o't。〃

〃Anyhow；　ye'll　do　your　best；　Davie？　　As　the　minister　says；　nae　man
can　do　mair　than　that。〃

〃An'　it's　a　puir　best　that　mine'll　be；　Jennie；　and　I'm　nae　sae　sure
ye'll　hae　ower　muckle　even　o'　that。　　We're　a'　weak；　sinfu'
creatures；　Jennie；　an'　ye'd　hae　some　deefficulty　to　find　a　man
weaker　or　mair　sinfu'　than　mysel'。〃

〃Weel；　weel；　ye　hae　a　truthfu'　tongue；　Davie。　　Mony　a　lad　will　mak
fine　promises　to　a　puir　lassie；　only　to　break　'em　an'　her　heart　wi'
'em。　　Ye　speak　me　fair；　Davie；　and　I'm　thinkin'　I'll　just　tak　ye；
an'　see　what　comes　o't。〃

Concerning　what　did　come　of　it；　the　story　is　silent；　but　one　feels
that　under　no　circumstances　had　the　lady　any　right　to　complain　of
her　bargain。　　Whether　she　ever　did　or　did　notfor　women　do　not
invariably　order　their　tongues　according　to　logic；　nor　men　either
for　the　matter　of　thatDavie；　himself；　must　have　had　the
satisfaction　of　reflecting　that　all　reproaches　were　undeserved。

I　wish　to　be　equally　frank　with　the　reader　of　this　book。　　I　wish
here　conscientiously　to　let　forth　its　shortcomings。　　I　wish　no　one
to　read　this　book　under　a　misapprehension。

There　will　be　no　useful　information　in　this　book。

Anyone　who　should　think　that　with　the　aid　of　this　book　he　would　be
able　to　make　a　tour　through　Germany　and　the　Black　Forest　would
probably　lose　himself　before　he　got　to　the　Nore。　　That；　at　all
events；　would　be　the　best　thing　that　could　happen　to　him。　　The
farther　away　from　home　he　got；　the　greater　only　would　be　his
difficulties。

I　do　not　regard　the　conveyance　of　useful　information　as　my　forte。
This　belief　was　not　inborn　with　me；　it　has　been　driven　home　upon　me
by　experience。

In　my　early　journalistic　days；　I　served　upon　a　paper；　the
forerunner　of　many　very　popular　periodicals　of　the　present　day。
Our　boast　was　that　we　combined　instruction　with　amusement；　as　to
what　should　be