three men on the bummel-第11章

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Our　boast　was　that　we　combined　instruction　with　amusement；　as　to
what　should　be　regarded　as　affording　amusement　and　what
instruction；　the　reader　judged　for　himself。　　We　gave　advice　to
people　about　to　marrylong；　earnest　advice　that　would；　had　they
followed　it；　have　made　our　circle　of　readers　the　envy　of　the　whole
married　world。　　We　told　our　subscribers　how　to　make　fortunes　by
keeping　rabbits；　giving　facts　and　figures。　　The　thing　that　must
have　surprised　them　was　that　we　ourselves　did　not　give　up
journalism　and　start　rabbit…farming。　　Often　and　often　have　I　proved
conclusively　from　authoritative　sources　how　a　man　starting　a　rabbit
farm　with　twelve　selected　rabbits　and　a　little　judgment　must；　at
the　end　of　three　years；　be　in　receipt　of　an　income　of　two　thousand
a　year；　rising　rapidly；　he　simply　could　not　help　himself。　　He　might
not　want　the　money。　　He　might　not　know　what　to　do　with　it　when　he
had　it。　　But　there　it　was　for　him。　　I　have　never　met　a　rabbit
farmer　myself　worth　two　thousand　a　year；　though　I　have　known　many
start　with　the　twelve　necessary；　assorted　rabbits。　　Something　has
always　gone　wrong　somewhere；　maybe　the　continued　atmosphere　of　a
rabbit　farm　saps　the　judgment。

We　told　our　readers　how　many　bald…headed　men　there　were　in　Iceland；
and　for　all　we　knew　our　figures　may　have　been　correct；　how　many　red
herrings　placed　tail　to　mouth　it　would　take　to　reach　from　London　to
Rome；　which　must　have　been　useful　to　anyone　desirous　of　laying　down
a　line　of　red　herrings　from　London　to　Rome；　enabling　him　to　order
in　the　right　quantity　at　the　beginning；　how　many　words　the　average
woman　spoke　in　a　day；　and　other　such　like　items　of　information
calculated　to　make　them　wise　and　great　beyond　the　readers　of　other
journals。

We　told　them　how　to　cure　fits　in　cats。　　Personally　I　do　not
believe；　and　I　did　not　believe　then；　that　you　can　cure　fits　in
cats。　　If　I　had　a　cat　subject　to　fits　I　should　advertise　it　for
sale；　or　even　give　it　away。　　But　our　duty　was　to　supply　information
when　asked　for。　　Some　fool　wrote；　clamouring　to　know；　and　I　spent
the　best　part　of　a　morning　seeking　knowledge　on　the　subject。　　I
found　what　I　wanted　at　length　at　the　end　of　an　old　cookery　book。
What　it　was　doing　there　I　have　never　been　able　to　understand。　　It
had　nothing　to　do　with　the　proper　subject　of　the　book　whatever；
there　was　no　suggestion　that　you　could　make　anything　savoury　out　of
a　cat；　even　when　you　had　cured　it　of　its　fits。　　The　authoress　had
just　thrown　in　this　paragraph　out　of　pure　generosity。　　I　can　only
say　that　I　wish　she　had　left　it　out；　it　was　the　cause　of　a　deal　of
angry　correspondence　and　of　the　loss　of　four　subscribers　to　the
paper；　if　not　more。　　The　man　said　the　result　of　following　our
advice　had　been　two　pounds　worth　of　damage　to　his　kitchen　crockery；
to　say　nothing　of　a　broken　window　and　probable　blood　poisoning　to
himself；　added　to　which　the　cat's　fits　were　worse　than　before。　　And
yet　it　was　a　simple　enough　recipe。　　You　held　the　cat　between　your
legs；　gently；　so　as　not　to　hurt　it；　and　with　a　pair　of　scissors
made　a　sharp；　clean　cut　in　its　tail。　　You　did　not　cut　off　any　part
of　the　tail；　you　were　to　be　careful　not　to　do　that；　you　only　made
an　incision。

As　we　explained　to　the　man；　the　garden　or　the　coal　cellar　would
have　been　the　proper　place　for　the　operation；　no　one　but　an　idiot
would　have　attempted　to　perform　it　in　a　kitchen；　and　without　help。

We　gave　them　hints　on　etiquette。　　We　told　them　how　to　address　peers
and　bishops；　also　how　to　eat　soup。　　We　instructed　shy　young　men　how
to　acquire　easy　grace　in　drawing…rooms。　　We　taught　dancing　to　both
sexes　by　the　aid　of　diagrams。　　We　solved　their　religious　doubts　for
them；　and　supplied　them　with　a　code　of　morals　that　would　have　done
credit　to　a　stained…glass　window。

The　paper　was　not　a　financial　success；　it　was　some　years　before　its
time；　and　the　consequence　was　that　our　staff　was　limited。　　My　own
apartment；　I　remember；　included　〃Advice　to　Mothers〃I　wrote　that
with　the　assistance　of　my　landlady；　who；　having　divorced　one
husband　and　buried　four　children；　was；　I　considered；　a　reliable
authority　on　all　domestic　matters；　〃Hints　on　Furnishing　and
Household　Decorationswith　Designs〃　a　column　of　〃Literary　Counsel
to　Beginners〃I　sincerely　hope　my　guidance　was　of　better　service
to　them　than　it　has　ever　proved　to　myself；　and　our　weekly　article；
〃Straight　Talks　to　Young　Men；〃　signed　〃Uncle　Henry。〃　　A　kindly；
genial　old　fellow　was　〃Uncle　Henry；〃　with　wide　and　varied
experience；　and　a　sympathetic　attitude　towards　the　rising
generation。　　He　had　been　through　trouble　himself　in　his　far　back
youth；　and　knew　most　things。　　Even　to　this　day　I　read　of　〃Uncle
Henry's〃　advice；　and；　though　I　say　it　who　should　not；　it　still
seems　to　me　good；　sound　advice。　　I　often　think　that　had　I　followed
〃Uncle　Henry's〃　counsel　closer　I　would　have　been　wiser；　made　fewer
mistakes；　felt　better　satisfied　with　myself　than　is　now　the　case。

A　quiet；　weary　little　woman；　who　lived　in　a　bed…sitting　room　off
the　Tottenham　Court　Road；　and　who　had　a　husband　in　a　lunatic
asylum；　did　our　〃Cooking　Column；〃　〃Hints　on　Education〃we　were
full　of　hints；and　a　page　and　a　half　of　〃Fashionable
Intelligence；〃　written　in　the　pertly　personal　style　which　even　yet
has　not　altogether　disappeared；　so　I　am　informed；　from　modern
journalism：　　〃I　must　tell　you　about　the　DIVINE　frock　I　wore　at
'Glorious　Goodwood'　last　week。　　Prince　C。but　there；　I　really　must
not　repeat　all　the　things　the　silly　fellow　says；　he　is　TOO　foolish…
…and　the　DEAR　Countess；　I　fancy；　was　just　the　WEEISH　bit　jealous〃
and　so　on。

Poor　little　woman！　　I　see　her　now　in　the　shabby　grey　alpaca；　with
the　inkstains　on　it。　　Perhaps　a　day　at　〃Glorious　Goodwood；〃　or
anywhere　else　in　the　fresh　air；　might　have　put　some　colour　into　her
cheeks。

Our　proprietorone　of　the　most　unashamedly　ignorant　men　I　ever
metI　remember　his　gravely　informing　a　correspondent　once　that　Ben
Jonson　had　written　Rabelais　to　pay　for　his　mother's　funeral；　and
only　laughing　good…naturedly　when　his　mistakes　were　pointed　out　to
himwrote　with　the　aid　of　a　cheap　encyclopedia　the　pages　devoted
to　〃General　Information；〃　and　did　them　on　the　whole　remarkably
well；　while　our　office　boy；　with　an　excellent　pair　of　scissors　for
his　assistant；　was　responsible　for　our　supply　of　〃Wit　and　Humour。〃

It　was　hard　work；　and　the　pay　was　poor；　what　sustained　us　was　the
consciousness　that　we　were　instructing　and　improving　our　fellow　men
and　women。　　Of　all　games　in　the　world；　the　one　most　universally　and
eternally　popular　is　the　game　of　school。　　You　collect　six　children；
and　put　them　on　a　doorstep；　while　you　walk　up　and　down　with　the
book　and　cane。　　We　play　it　when　babies；　we　play　it　when　boys　and
girls；　we　play　it　when　men　and　women；　we　play　it　as；　lean　and
slippered；　we　totter　towards　the　grave。　　It　never　palls　upon；　it
never　wearies　us。　　Only　one　thing　mars　it：　　the　tendency　of　one　and
all　of　the　other　six　children　to　clamour　for　their　turn　with　the
book　and　the　cane。　　The　reason；　I　am　sure；　that　journalism　is　so
popular　a　calling；　in　spite　of　its　many　drawbacks；　is　this：　　each
journalist　feels　he　is　the　boy　walking　up　and　down　with　the　cane。
The　Government；　the　Classes；　and　the　Masses；　Society；　Art；　and
Literature；　are　the　other　children　sitting　on　the　doorstep。　　He
instructs　and　improves　them。

But　I　digress。　　It　was　to　excuse　my　present　permanent
disinclination　to　be　the　vehicle　of　useful　information　that　I
recalled　these　matters。　　Let　us　now　return。

Somebody；　signing　himself　〃Balloonist；〃　had　written　to　ask
concerning　the　manufacture　of　hydrogen　gas。　　It　is　an　easy　thing　to
manufactureat　least；　so　I　gathered　after　reading　up　the　subject
at　the　British　Museum；　yet　I　did　warn　〃Balloonist；〃　whoever　he
might　be；　to　take　all　necessary　precaution　against　accident。　　What
more　could　I　have　done？　　Ten　days　afterwards　a　florid…faced　lady
called　at　the　office；　leading　by　the　hand　what；　she　explained；　was
her　son；　aged　twelve。　　The　boy's　face　was　unimpressive　to　a　degree
positively　remarkable。　　His　mother　pushed　him　forward　and　took　off
his　hat；　and　then　I　perceived　the　reason　for　this。　　He　had　no
eyebrows　whatever；　and　of　his　hair　nothing　remained　but　a　scrubby
dust；　giving　to　his　head　the　appearance　of　a　hard…boiled　egg；
skinned　and　sprinkled　with　black　pepper。

〃That　was　a　handsome　lad　this　time　last　week；　with　naturally　curly
hair；〃　remarked　the　lady。　　She　spoke　with　a　rising　inflection；
suggestive　of　the　beginning　of　things。

〃What　has　happened　to　him？〃　asked　our　chief。

〃This　is　what's　happened　to　him；〃　retorted　the　lady。　　She　drew　from
her　muff　a　copy　of　our　last　week's　issue；　with　my　article　on
hydrogen　gas　scored　in　pencil；　and　flung　it　before　his　eyes。　　Our
chief　took　it　and　read　it　through。

〃He　was　'Balloonist'？〃　queried　the　chief。

〃He　was　'Balloonist；'〃　admitted　the　lady；　〃the　poor　innocent　child；
and　now　look　at　him！〃

〃Maybe　it'll　grow　again；〃　suggested　our　chief。

〃Maybe　it　will；〃　retorted　the　lady；　her　key　continuing　to　rise；
〃and　maybe　it　won't。　　What　I　want　to　know　is　what　you　are　going　to
do　for　him。〃

Our　chief　suggested　a　hair　wash。　　I　thought　at　first　she　was　going
to　fly　at　him；　but　for　the　moment　she　confined　herself　to　words。
It　appears　she　was　not　thinking　of　a　hair　wash；　but　of
compensation。　　She　also　made　observations　on　the　general　character
of　our　paper；　its　utility；　its　claim　to　public　support；　the　sense
and　wisdom　of　its　contributors。

〃I　really　don't　see　that　it　is　our　fault；〃　urged　the　chiefhe　was
a　mild…mannered　man；　〃he　asked　for　information；　and　he　got　it。〃

〃Don't　you　try　to　be　funny　about　it；〃　said　the　lady　（he　had　not
meant　to　be　funny；　I　am　sure；　levity　was　not　his　failing）　〃or
you'll　get　something　that　YOU　haven't　asked　for。　　Why；　for　two
pins；〃　said　the　lady；　with　a　suddenness　that　sent　us　both　flying
like　scuttled　chickens　behind　our　respective　chairs；　〃I'd　come
round　and　make　your　head　like　it！〃　　I　take　it；　she　meant　like　the
boy's。　　She　also　added　observations　upon　our　chief's　personal
appearance；　that　were　distinctly　in　bad　taste。　　She　was　not　a　nice
woman　by　any　means。

Myself；　I　am　of　opinion　that　had　she　brought　the　action　she
threatened；　she　would　have　had　no　case；　but　our　chief　was　a　man　who
had　had　experience　of　the　law；　and　his　principle　was　always　to
avoid　it。　　I　have　heard　him　say：

〃If　a　man　stopped　me　in　the　street　and　demanded　of　me　my　watch；　I
should　refuse　to　give　it　to　him。　　If　he　threatened　to　take　it　by
force；　I　feel　I　should；　though　not　a　fighting　man；　do　my　best　to
protect　it。　　If；　on　the　other　hand；　he　should　assert　his　intention
of　trying　to　obtain　it　by　means　of　an　action　in　any　court　of　law；　I
should　take　it　out　of　my　pocket　and　hand　it　to　him；　and　think　I　had
got　off　cheaply。〃

He　squared　the　matter　with　the　florid…faced　lady　for　a　five…pound
note；　which　must　have　represented　a　month's　profits　on　the　paper；
and　she　departed；　taking　her　damaged　offspring　with　her。　　After　she
was　gone；　our　chief　spoke　kindly　to　me。　　He　said：

〃Don't　think　I　am　blaming　you　in　the　least；　it　is　not　your　fault；
it　is　Fate。　　Keep　to　moral　advice　and　criticismthere　you　are
distinctly　good；　but　don't　try　your　hand　any　more　on　'Useful
Infor