three men on the bummel-第18章

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miles　of　Dresden）　and　a　black　bag　strapped　to　her　waist。　　Her　teeth
stuck　out　like　a　rabbit's；　and　her　figure　was　that　of　a　bolster　on
stilts。

Harris　rushed　for　his　camera；　and　of　course　could　not　find　it；　he
never　can　when　he　wants　it。　　Whenever　we　see　Harris　scuttling　up
and　down　like　a　lost　dog；　shouting；　〃Where's　my　camera？　　What　the
dickens　have　I　done　with　my　camera？　　Don't　either　of　you　remember
where　I　put　my　camera？〃then　we　know　that　for　the　first　time　that
day　he　has　come　across　something　worth　photographing。　　Later　on；　he
remembered　it　was　in　his　bag；　that　is　where　it　would　be　on　an
occasion　like　this。

They　were　not　content　with　appearance；　they　acted　the　thing　to　the
letter。　　They　walked　gaping　round　them　at　every　step。　　The
gentleman　had　an　open　Baedeker　in　his　hand；　and　the　lady　carried　a
phrase　book。　　They　talked　French　that　nobody　could　understand；　and
German　that　they　could　not　translate　themselves！　　The　man　poked　at
officials　with　his　alpenstock　to　attract　their　attention；　and　the
lady；　her　eye　catching　sight　of　an　advertisement　of　somebody's
cocoa；　said　〃Shocking！〃　and　turned　the　other　way。

Really；　there　was　some　excuse　for　her。　　One　notices；　even　in
England；　the　home　of　the　proprieties；　that　the　lady　who　drinks
cocoa　appears；　according　to　the　poster；　to　require　very　little　else
in　this　world；　a　yard　or　so　of　art　muslin　at　the　most。　　On　the
Continent　she　dispenses；　so　far　as　one　can　judge；　with　every　other
necessity　of　life。　　Not　only　is　cocoa　food　and　drink　to　her；　it
should　be　clothes　also；　according　to　the　idea　of　the　cocoa
manufacturer。　　But　this　by　the　way。

Of　course；　they　immediately　became　the　centre　of　attraction。　　By
being　able　to　render　them　some　slight　assistance；　I　gained　the
advantage　of　five　minutes'　conversation　with　them。　　They　were　very
affable。　　The　gentleman　told　me　his　name　was　Jones；　and　that　he
came　from　Manchester；　but　he　did　not　seem　to　know　what　part　of
Manchester；　or　where　Manchester　was。　　I　asked　him　where　he　was
going　to；　but　he　evidently　did　not　know。　　He　said　it　depended。　　I
asked　him　if　he　did　not　find　an　alpenstock　a　clumsy　thing　to　walk
about　with　through　a　crowded　town；　he　admitted　that　occasionally　it
did　get　in　the　way。　　I　asked　him　if　he　did　not　find　a　veil
interfere　with　his　view　of　things；　he　explained　that　you　only　wore
it　when　the　flies　became　troublesome。　　I　enquired　of　the　lady　if
she　did　not　find　the　wind　blow　cold；　she　said　she　had　noticed　it；
especially　at　the　corners。　　I　did　not　ask　these　questions　one　after
another　as　I　have　here　put　them　down；　I　mixed　them　up　with　general
conversation；　and　we　parted　on　good　terms。

I　have　pondered　much　upon　the　apparition；　and　have　come　to　a
definite　opinion。　　A　man　I　met　later　at　Frankfort；　and　to　whom　I
described　the　pair；　said　he　had　seen　them　himself　in　Paris；　three
weeks　after　the　termination　of　the　Fashoda　incident；　while　a
traveller　for　some　English　steel　works　whom　we　met　in　Strassburg
remembered　having　seen　them　in　Berlin　during　the　excitement　caused
by　the　Transvaal　question。　　My　conclusion　is　that　they　were　actors
out　of　work；　hired　to　do　this　thing　in　the　interest　of
international　peace。　　The　French　Foreign　Office；　wishful　to　allay
the　anger　of　the　Parisian　mob　clamouring　for　war　with　England；
secured　this　admirable　couple　and　sent　them　round　the　town。　　You
cannot　be　amused　at　a　thing；　and　at　the　same　time　want　to　kill　it。
The　French　nation　saw　the　English　citizen　and　citizenessno
caricature；　but　the　living　realityand　their　indignation　exploded
in　laughter。　　The　success　of　the　stratagem　prompted　them　later　on
to　offer　their　services　to　the　German　Government；　with　the
beneficial　results　that　we　all　know。

Our　own　Government　might　learn　the　lesson。　　It　might　be　as　well　to
keep　near　Downing　Street　a　few　small；　fat　Frenchmen；　to　be　sent
round　the　country　when　occasion　called　for　it；　shrugging　their
shoulders　and　eating　frog　sandwiches；　or　a　file　of　untidy；　lank…
haired　Germans　might　be　retained；　to　walk　about；　smoking　long
pipes；　saying　〃So。〃　　The　public　would　laugh　and　exclaim；　〃War　with
such？　　It　would　be　too　absurd。〃　　Failing　the　Government；　I
recommend　the　scheme　to　the　Peace　Society。

Our　visit　to　Prague　we　were　compelled　to　lengthen　somewhat。　　Prague
is　one　of　the　most　interesting　towns　in　Europe。　　Its　stones　are
saturated　with　history　and　romance；　its　every　suburb　must　have　been
a　battlefield。　　It　is　the　town　that　conceived　the　Reformation　and
hatched　the　Thirty　Years'　War。　　But　half　Prague's　troubles；　one
imagines；　might　have　been　saved　to　it；　had　it　possessed　windows
less　large　and　temptingly　convenient。　　The　first　of　these　mighty
catastrophes　it　set　rolling　by　throwing　the　seven　Catholic
councillors　from　the　windows　of　its　Rathhaus　on　to　the　pikes　of　the
Hussites　below。　　Later；　it　gave　the　signal　for　the　second　by　again
throwing　the　Imperial　councillors　from　the　windows　of　the　old　Burg
in　the　HradschinPrague's　second　〃Fenstersturz。〃　　Since；　other
fateful　questions　have　been　decide　in　Prague；　one　assumes　from
their　having　been　concluded　without　violence　that　such　must　have
been　discussed　in　cellars。　　The　window；　as　an　argument；　one　feels；
would　always　have　proved　too　strong　a　temptation　to　any　true…born
Praguer。

In　the　Teynkirche　stands　the　worm…eaten　pulpit　from　which　preached
John　Huss。　　One　may　hear　from　the　selfsame　desk　to…day　the　voice　of
a　Papist　priest；　while　in　far…off　Constance　a　rude　block　of　stone；
half　ivy　hidden；　marks　the　spot　where　Huss　and　Jerome　died　burning
at　the　stake。　　History　is　fond　of　her　little　ironies。　　In　this　same
Teynkirche　lies　buried　Tycho　Brahe；　the　astronomer；　who　made　the
common　mistake　of　thinking　the　earth；　with　its　eleven　hundred
creeds　and　one　humanity；　the　centre　of　the　universe；　but　who
otherwise　observed　the　stars　clearly。

Through　Prague's　dirty；　palace…bordered　alleys　must　have　pressed
often　in　hot　haste　blind　Ziska　and　open…minded　Wallensteinthey
have　dubbed　him　〃The　Hero〃　in　Prague；　and　the　town　is　honestly
proud　of　having　owned　him　for　citizen。　　In　his　gloomy　palace　in　the
Waldstein…Platz　they　show　as　a　sacred　spot　the　cabinet　where　he
prayed；　and　seem　to　have　persuaded　themselves　he　really　had　a　soul。
Its　steep；　winding　ways　must　have　been　choked　a　dozen　times；　now　by
Sigismund's　flying　legions；　followed　by　fierce…killing　Tarborites；
and　now　by　pale　Protestants　pursued　by　the　victorious　Catholics　of
Maximilian。　　Now　Saxons；　now　Bavarians；　and　now　French；　now　the
saints　of　Gustavus　Adolphus；　and　now　the　steel　fighting　machines　of
Frederick　the　Great；　have　thundered　at　its　gates　and　fought　upon
its　bridges。

The　Jews　have　always　been　an　important　feature　of　Prague。
Occasionally　they　have　assisted　the　Christians　in　their　favourite
occupation　of　slaughtering　one　another；　and　the　great　flag
suspended　from　the　vaulting　of　the　Altneuschule　testifies　to　the
courage　with　which　they　helped　Catholic　Ferdinand　to　resist　the
Protestant　Swedes。　　The　Prague　Ghetto　was　one　of　the　first　to　be
established　in　Europe；　and　in　the　tiny　synagogue；　still　standing；
the　Jew　of　Prague　has　worshipped　for　eight　hundred　years；　his　women
folk　devoutly　listening；　without；　at　the　ear　holes　provided　for
them　in　the　massive　walls。　　A　Jewish　cemetery　adjacent；
〃Bethchajim；　or　the　House　of　Life；〃　seems　as　though　it　were
bursting　with　its　dead。　　Within　its　narrow　acre　it　was　the　law　of
centuries　that　here　or　nowhere　must　the　bones　of　Israel　rest。　　So
the　worn　and　broken　tombstones　lie　piled　in　close　confusion；　as
though　tossed　and　tumbled　by　the　struggling　host　beneath。

The　Ghetto　walls　have　long　been　levelled；　but　the　living　Jews　of
Prague　still　cling　to　their　foetid　lanes；　though　these　are　being
rapidly　replaced　by　fine　new　streets　that　promise　to　eventually
transform　this　quarter　into　the　handsomest　part　of　the　town。

At　Dresden　they　advised　us　not　to　talk　German　in　Prague。　　For　years
racial　animosity　between　the　German　minority　and　the　Czech　majority
has　raged　throughout　Bohemia；　and　to　be　mistaken　for　a　German　in
certain　streets　of　Prague　is　inconvenient　to　a　man　whose　staying
powers　in　a　race　are　not　what　once　they　were。　　However；　we　did　talk
German　in　certain　streets　in　Prague；　it　was　a　case　of　talking
German　or　nothing。　　The　Czech　dialect　is　said　to　be　of　great
antiquity　and　of　highly　scientific　cultivation。　　Its　alphabet
contains　forty…two　letters；　suggestive　to　a　stranger　of　Chinese。
It　is　not　a　language　to　be　picked　up　in　a　hurry。　　We　decided　that
on　the　whole　there　would　be　less　risk　to　our　constitution　in
keeping　to　German；　and　as　a　matter　of　fact　no　harm　came　to　us。　　The
explanation　I　can　only　surmise。　　The　Praguer　is　an　exceedingly
acute　person；　some　subtle　falsity　of　accent；　some　slight
grammatical　inaccuracy；　may　have　crept　into　our　German；　revealing
to　him　the　fact　that；　in　spite　of　all　appearances　to　the　contrary；
we　were　no　true…born　Deutscher。　　I　do　not　assert　this；　I　put　it
forward　as　a　possibility。

To　avoid　unnecessary　danger；　however；　we　did　our　sight…seeing　with
the　aid　of　a　guide。　　No　guide　I　have　ever　come　across　is　perfect。
This　one　had　two　distinct　failings。　　His　English　was　decidedly
weak。　　Indeed；　it　was　not　English　at　all。　　I　do　not　know　what　you
would　call　it。　　It　was　not　altogether　his　fault；　he　had　learnt
English　from　a　Scotch　lady。　　I　understand　Scotch　fairly　wellto
keep　abreast　of　modern　English　literature　this　is　necessary；but
to　understand　broad　Scotch　talked　with　a　Sclavonic　accent；
occasionally　relieved　by　German　modifications；　taxes　the
intelligence。　　For　the　first　hour　it　was　difficult　to　rid　one's
self　of　the　conviction　that　the　man　was　choking。　　Every　moment　we
expected　him　to　die　on　our　hands。　　In　the　course　of　the　morning　we
grew　accustomed　to　him；　and　rid　ourselves　of　the　instinct　to　throw
him　on　his　back　every　time　he　opened　his　mouth；　and　tear　his
clothes　from　him。　　Later；　we　came　to　understand　a　part　of　what　he
said；　and　this　led　to　the　discovery　of　his　second　failing。

It　would　seem　he　had　lately　invented　a　hair…restorer；　which　he　had
persuaded　a　local　chemist　to　take　up　and　advertise。　　Half　his　time
he　had　been　pointing　out　to　us；　not　the　beauties　of　Prague；　but　the
benefits　likely　to　accrue　to　the　human　race　from　the　use　of　this
concoction；　and　the　conventional　agreement　with　which；　under　the
impression　he　was　waxing　eloquent　concerning　views　and
architecture；　we　had　met　his　enthusiasm　he　had　attributed　to
sympathetic　interest　in　this　wretched　wash　of　his。

The　result　was　that　now　there　was　no　keeping　him　away　from　the
subject。　　Ruined　palaces　and　crumbling　churches　he　dismissed　with
curt　reference　as　mere　frivolities；　encouraging　a　morbid　taste　for
the　decadent。　　His　duty；　as　he　saw　it；　was　not　to　lead　us　to　dwell
upon　the　ravages　of　time；　but　rather　to　direct　our　attention　to　the
means　of　repairing　them。　　What　had　we　to　do　with　broken…headed
heroes；　or　bald…headed　saints？　　Our　interest　should　be　surely　in
the　living　world；　in　the　maidens　with　their　flowing　tresses；　or　the
flowing　tresses　they　might　have；　by　judicious　use　of　〃Kophkeo；〃　in
the　young　men　with　their　fierce　moustachesas　pictured　on　the
label。

Unconsciously；　in　his　own　mind；　he　had　divided　the　world　into