three men on the bummel-第22章

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to　throw　things　out　of　window。　　Cats　are　no　excuse。　　During　the
first　week　of　my　residence　in　Germany　I　was　awakened　incessantly　by
cats。　　One　night　I　got　mad。　　I　collected　a　small　arsenaltwo　or
three　pieces　of　coal；　a　few　hard　pears；　a　couple　of　candle　ends；　an
odd　egg　I　found　on　the　kitchen　table；　an　empty　soda…water　bottle；
and　a　few　articles　of　that　sort；and；　opening　the　window；
bombarded　the　spot　from　where　the　noise　appeared　to　come。　　I　do　not
suppose　I　hit　anything；　I　never　knew　a　man　who　did　hit　a　cat；　even
when　he　could　see　it；　except；　maybe；　by　accident　when　aiming　at
something　else。　　I　have　known　crack　shots；　winners　of　Queen's
prizesthose　sort　of　men；shoot　with　shot…guns　at　cats　fifty
yards　away；　and　never　hit　a　hair。　　I　have　often　thought　that；
instead　of　bull's…eyes；　running　deer；　and　that　rubbish；　the　really
superior　marksman　would　be　he　who　could　boast　that　he　had　shot　the
cat。

But；　anyhow；　they　moved　off；　maybe　the　egg　annoyed　them。　　I　had
noticed　when　I　picked　it　up　that　it　did　not　look　a　good　egg；　and　I
went　back　to　bed　again；　thinking　the　incident　closed。　　Ten　minutes
afterwards　there　came　a　violent　ringing　of　the　electric　bell。　　I
tried　to　ignore　it；　but　it　was　too　persistent；　and；　putting　on　my
dressing　gown；　I　went　down　to　the　gate。　　A　policeman　was　standing
there。　　He　had　all　the　things　I　had　been　throwing　out　of　the　window
in　a　little　heap　in　front　of　him；　all　except　the　egg。　　He　had
evidently　been　collecting　them。　　He　said：

〃Are　these　things　yours？〃

I　said：　　〃They　were　mine；　but　personally　I　have　done　with　them。
Anybody　can　have　themyou　can　have　them。〃

He　ignored　my　offer。　　He　said：

〃You　threw　these　things　out　of　window。〃

〃You　are　right；〃　I　admitted；　〃I　did。〃

〃Why　did　you　throw　them　out　of　window？〃　he　asked。　　A　German
policeman　has　his　code　of　questions　arranged　for　him；　he　never
varies　them；　and　he　never　omits　one。

〃I　threw　them　out　of　the　window　at　some　cats；〃　I　answered。

〃What　cats？〃　he　asked。

It　was　the　sort　of　question　a　German　policeman　would　ask。　　I
replied　with　as　much　sarcasm　as　I　could　put　into　my　accent　that　I
was　ashamed　to　say　I　could　not　tell　him　what　cats。　　I　explained
that；　personally；　they　were　strangers　to　me；　but　I　offered；　if　the
police　would　call　all　the　cats　in　the　district　together；　to　come
round　and　see　if　I　could　recognise　them　by　their　yaul。

The　German　policeman　does　not　understand　a　joke；　which　is　perhaps
on　the　whole　just　as　well；　for　I　believe　there　is　a　heavy　fine　for
joking　with　any　German　uniform；　they　call　it　〃treating　an　official
with　contumely。〃　　He　merely　replied　that　it　was　not　the　duty　of　the
police　to　help　me　recognise　the　cats；　their　duty　was　merely　to　fine
me　for　throwing　things　out　of　window。

I　asked　what　a　man　was　supposed　to　do　in　Germany　when　woke　up　night
after　night　by　cats；　and　he　explained　that　I　could　lodge　an
information　against　the　owner　of　the　cat；　when　the　police　would
proceed　to　caution　him；　and；　if　necessary；　order　the　cat　to　be
destroyed。　　Who　was　going　to　destroy　the　cat；　and　what　the　cat
would　be　doing　during　the　process；　he　did　not　explain。

I　asked　him　how　he　proposed　I　should　discover　the　owner　of　the　cat。
He　thought　for　a　while；　and　then　suggested　that　I　might　follow　it
home。　　I　did　not　feel　inclined　to　argue　with　him　any　more　after
that；　I　should　only　have　said　things　that　would　have　made　the
matter　worse。　　As　it　was；　that　night's　sport　cost　me　twelve　marks；
and　not　a　single　one　of　the　four　German　officials　who　interviewed
me　on　the　subject　could　see　anything　ridiculous　in　the　proceedings
from　beginning　to　end。

But　in　Germany　most　human　faults　and　follies　sink　into　comparative
insignificance　beside　the　enormity　of　walking　on　the　grass。
Nowhere；　and　under　no　circumstances；　may　you　at　any　time　in　Germany
walk　on　the　grass。　　Grass　in　Germany　is　quite　a　fetish。　　To　put
your　foot　on　German　grass　would　be　as　great　a　sacrilege　as　to　dance
a　hornpipe　on　a　Mohammedan's　praying…mat。　　The　very　dogs　respect
German　grass；　no　German　dog　would　dream　of　putting　a　paw　on　it。　　If
you　see　a　dog　scampering　across　the　grass　in　Germany；　you　may　know
for　certain　that　it　is　the　dog　of　some　unholy　foreigner。　　In
England；　when　we　want　to　keep　dogs　out　of　places；　we　put　up　wire
netting；　six　feet　high；　supported　by　buttresses；　and　defended　on
the　top　by　spikes。　　In　Germany；　they　put　a　notice…board　in　the
middle　of　the　place；　〃Hunden　verboten；〃　and　a　dog　that　has　German
blood　in　its　veins　looks　at　that　notice…board　and　walks　away。　　In　a
German　park　I　have　seen　a　gardener　step　gingerly　with　felt　boots　on
to　grass…plot；　and　removing　therefrom　a　beetle；　place　it　gravely
but　firmly　on　the　gravel；　which　done；　he　stood　sternly　watching　the
beetle；　to　see　that　it　did　not　try　to　get　back　on　the　grass；　and
the　beetle；　looking　utterly　ashamed　of　itself；　walked　hurriedly
down　the　gutter；　and　turned　up　the　path　marked　〃Ausgang。〃

In　German　parks　separate　roads　are　devoted　to　the　different　orders
of　the　community；　and　no　one　person；　at　peril　of　liberty　and
fortune；　may　go　upon　another　person's　road。　　There　are　special
paths　for　〃wheel…riders〃　and　special　paths　for　〃foot…goers；〃
avenues　for　〃horse…riders；〃　roads　for　people　in　light　vehicles；　and
roads　for　people　in　heavy　vehicles；　ways　for　children　and　for
〃alone　ladies。〃　　That　no　particular　route　has　yet　been　set　aside
for　bald…headed　men　or　〃new　women〃　has　always　struck　me　as　an
omission。

In　the　Grosse　Garten　in　Dresden　I　once　came　across　an　old　lady；
standing；　helpless　and　bewildered；　in　the　centre　of　seven　tracks。
Each　was　guarded　by　a　threatening　notice；　warning　everybody　off　it
but　the　person　for　whom　it　was　intended。

〃I　am　sorry　to　trouble　you；〃　said　the　old　lady；　on　learning　I　could
speak　English　and　read　German；　〃but　would　you　mind　telling　me　what
I　am　and　where　I　have　to　go？〃

I　inspected　her　carefully。　　I　came　to　the　conclusion　that　she　was　a
〃grown…up〃　and　a　〃foot…goer；〃　and　pointed　out　her　path。　　She　looked
at　it；　and　seemed　disappointed。

〃But　I　don't　want　to　go　down　there；〃　she　said；　〃mayn't　I　go　this
way？〃

〃Great　heavens；　no；　madam！〃　I　replied。　　〃That　path　is　reserved　for
children。〃

〃But　I　wouldn't　do　them　any　harm；〃　said　the　old　lady；　with　a　smile。
She　did　not　look　the　sort　of　old　lady　who　would　have　done　them　any
harm。

〃Madam；〃　I　replied；　〃if　it　rested　with　me；　I　would　trust　you　down
that　path；　though　my　own　first…born　were　at　the　other　end；　but　I
can　only　inform　you　of　the　laws　of　this　country。　　For　you；　a　full…
grown　woman；　to　venture　down　that　path　is　to　go　to　certain　fine；　if
not　imprisonment。　　There　is　your　path；　marked　plainlyNur　fur
Fussganger；　and　if　you　will　follow　my　advice；　you　will　hasten　down
it；　you　are　not　allowed　to　stand　here　and　hesitate。〃

〃It　doesn't　lead　a　bit　in　the　direction　I　want　to　go；〃　said　the　old
lady。

〃It　leads　in　the　direction　you　OUGHT　to　want　to　go；〃　I　replied；　and
we　parted。

In　the　German　parks　there　are　special　seats　labelled；　〃Only　for
grown…ups〃　（Nur　fur　Erwachsene）；　and　the　German　small　boy；　anxious
to　sit　down；　and　reading　that　notice；　passes　by；　and　hunts　for　a
seat　on　which　children　are　permitted　to　rest；　and　there　he　seats
himself；　careful　not　to　touch　the　woodwork　with　his　muddy　boots。
Imagine　a　seat　in　Regent's　or　St。　James's　Park　labelled　〃Only　for
grown…ups！〃　　Every　child　for　five　miles　round　would　be　trying　to
get　on　that　seat；　and　hauling　other　children　off　who　were　on。　　As
for　any　〃grown…up；〃　he　would　never　be　able　to　get　within　half　a
mile　of　that　seat　for　the　crowd。　　The　German　small　boy；　who　has
accidentally　sat　down　on　such　without　noticing；　rises　with　a　start
when　his　error　is　pointed　out　to　him；　and　goes　away　with　down…cast
head；　brushing　to　the　roots　of　his　hair　with　shame　and　regret。

Not　that　the　German　child　is　neglected　by　a　paternal　Government。
In　German　parks　and　public　gardens　special　places　（Spielplatze）　are
provided　for　him；　each　one　supplied　with　a　heap　of　sand。　　There　he
can　play　to　his　heart's　content　at　making　mud　pies　and　building
sand　castles。　　To　the　German　child　a　pie　made　of　any　other　mud　than
this　would　appear　an　immoral　pie。　　It　would　give　to　him　no
satisfaction：　　his　soul　would　revolt　against　it。

〃That　pie；〃　he　would　say　to　himself；　〃was　not；　as　it　should　have
been；　made　of　Government　mud　specially　set　apart　for　the　purpose；
it　was　nor　manufactured　in　the　place　planned　and　maintained　by　the
Government　for　the　making　of　mud　pies。　　It　can　bring　no　real
blessing　with　it；　it　is　a　lawless　pie。〃　　And　until　his　father　had
paid　the　proper　fine；　and　he　had　received　his　proper　licking；　his
conscience　would　continue　to　trouble　him。

Another　excellent　piece　of　material　for　obtaining　excitement　in
Germany　is　the　simple　domestic　perambulator。　　What　you　may　do　with
a　〃kinder…wagen；〃　as　it　is　called；　and　what　you　may　not；　covers
pages　of　German　law；　after　the　reading　of　which；　you　conclude　that
the　man　who　can　push　a　perambulator　through　a　German　town　without
breaking　the　law　was　meant　for　a　diplomatist。　　You　must　not　loiter
with　a　perambulator；　and　you　must　not　go　too　fast。　　You　must　not
get　in　anybody's　way　with　a　perambulator；　and　if　anybody　gets　in
your　way　you　must　get　out　of　their　way。　　If　you　want　to　stop　with　a
perambulator；　you　must　go　to　a　place　specially　appointed　where
perambulators　may　stop；　and　when　you　get　there　you　MUST　stop。　　You
must　not　cross　the　road　with　a　perambulator；　if　you　and　the　baby
happen　to　live　on　the　other　side；　that　is　your　fault。　　You　must　not
leave　your　perambulator　anywhere；　and　only　in　certain　places　can
you　take　it　with　you。　　I　should　say　that　in　Germany　you　could　go
out　with　a　perambulator　and　get　into　enough　trouble　in　half　an　hour
to　last　you　for　a　month。　　Any　young　Englishman　anxious　for　a　row
with　the　police　could　not　do　better　than　come　over　to　Germany　and
bring　his　perambulator　with　him。

In　Germany　you　must　not　leave　your　front　door　unlocked　after　ten
o'clock　at　night；　and　you　must　not　play　the　piano　in　your　own　house
after　eleven。　　In　England　I　have　never　felt　I　wanted　to　play　the
piano　myself；　or　to　hear　anyone　else　play　it；　after　eleven　o'clock
at　night；　but　that　is　a　very　different　thing　to　being　told　that　you
must　not　play　it。　　Here；　in　Germany；　I　never　feel　that　I　really
care　for　the　piano　until　eleven　o'clock；　then　I　could　sit　and
listen　to　the　〃Maiden's　Prayer；〃　or　the　Overture　to　〃Zampa；〃　with
pleasure。　　To　the　law…loving　German；　on　the　other　hand；　music　after
eleven　o'clock　at　night　ceases　to　be　music；　it　becomes　sin；　and　as
such　gives　him　no　satisfaction。

The　only　individual　throughout　Germany　who　ever　dreams　of　taking
liberties　with　the　law　is　the　German　student；　and　he　only　to　a
certain　well…defined　point。　　By　custom；　certain　privileges　are
permitted　to　him；　but　even　these　are　strictly　limited　and　clearly
understood。　　For　instance；　the　German　student　may　get　drunk　and
fall　asleep　in　the　gutter　with　no　other　penalty　than　that　of　having
the　next　morning　to　tip　the　policeman　who　has　found　him　and　brought
him　home。　　But　for　this　purpose　he　must　choose　the　gutters　of　side…
streets。　　The　German　student；　conscious　of　the　rapid　approach　of
oblivion；　uses　all　his　remaining　energy　to　get　round