three men on the bummel-第5章

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come　down。

While　he　was　deliberating　a　man　passed；　sitting　sideways　on　a
horse。　　Harris　stopped　him；　and　explained　to　him　that　he　had　lost
his　wife。　　The　man　appeared　to　be　neither　surprised　nor　sorry　for
him。　　While　they　were　talking　another　farmer　came　along；　to　whom
the　first　man　explained　the　matter；　not　as　an　accident；　but　as　a
good　story。　　What　appeared　to　surprise　the　second　man　most　was　that
Harris　should　be　making　a　fuss　about　the　thing。　　He　could　get　no
sense　out　of　either　of　them；　and　cursing　them　he　mounted　his
machine　again；　and　took　the　middle　road　on　chance。　　Half…way　up；　he
came　upon　a　party　of　two　young　women　with　one　young　man　between
them。　　They　appeared　to　be　making　the　most　of　him。　　He　asked　them
if　they　had　seen　his　wife。　　They　asked　him　what　she　was　like。　　He
did　not　know　enough　Dutch　to　describe　her　properly；　all　he　could
tell　them　was　she　was　a　very　beautiful　woman；　of　medium　size。
Evidently　this　did　not　satisfy　them；　the　description　was　too
general；　any　man　could　say　that；　and　by　this　means　perhaps　get
possession　of　a　wife　that　did　not　belong　to　him。　　They　asked　him
how　she　was　dressed；　for　the　life　of　him　he　could　not　recollect。

I　doubt　if　any　man　could　tell　how　any　woman　was　dressed　ten　minutes
after　he　had　left　her。　　He　recollected　a　blue　skirt；　and　then　there
was　something　that　carried　the　dress　on；　as　it　were；　up　to　the
neck。　　Possibly；　this　may　have　been　a　blouse；　he　retained　a　dim
vision　of　a　belt；　but　what　sort　of　a　blouse？　　Was　it　green；　or
yellow；　or　blue？　　Had　it　a　collar；　or　was　it　fastened　with　a　bow？
Were　there　feathers　in　her　hat；　or　flowers？　　Or　was　it　a　hat　at
all？　　He　dared　not　say；　for　fear　of　making　a　mistake　and　being　sent
miles　after　the　wrong　party。　　The　two　young　women　giggled；　which　in
his　then　state　of　mind　irritated　Harris。　　The　young　man；　who
appeared　anxious　to　get　rid　of　him；　suggested　the　police　station　at
the　next　town。　　Harris　made　his　way　there。　　The　police　gave　him　a
piece　of　paper；　and　told　him　to　write　down　a　full　description　of
his　wife；　together　with　details　of　when　and　where　he　had　lost　her。
He　did　not　know　where　he　had　lost　her；　all　he　could　tell　them　was
the　name　of　the　village　where　he　had　lunched。　　He　knew　he　had　her
with　him　then；　and　that　they　had　started　from　there　together。

The　police　looked　suspicious；　they　were　doubtful　about　three
matters：　　Firstly；　was　she　really　his　wife？　　Secondly；　had　he
really　lost　her？　　Thirdly；　why　had　he　lost　her？　　With　the　aid　of　a
hotel…keeper；　however；　who　spoke　a　little　English；　he　overcame
their　scruples。　　They　promised　to　act；　and　in　the　evening　they
brought　her　to　him　in　a　covered　wagon；　together　with　a　bill　for
expenses。　　The　meeting　was　not　a　tender　one。　　Mrs。　Harris　is　not　a
good　actress；　and　always　has　great　difficulty　in　disguising　her
feelings。　　On　this　occasion；　she　frankly　admits；　she　made　no
attempt　to　disguise　them。

The　wheel　business　settled；　there　arose　the　ever…lasting　luggage
question。

〃The　usual　list；　I　suppose；〃　said　George；　preparing　to　write。

That　was　wisdom　I　had　taught　them；　I　had　learned　it　myself　years
ago　from　my　Uncle　Podger。

〃Always　before　beginning　to　pack；〃　my　Uncle　would　say；　〃make　a
list。〃

He　was　a　methodical　man。

〃Take　a　piece　of　paper〃he　always　began　at　the　beginning〃put
down　on　it　everything　you　can　possibly　require；　then　go　over　it　and
see　that　it　contains　nothing　you　can　possibly　do　without。　　Imagine
yourself　in　bed；　what　have　you　got　on？　　Very　well；　put　it　down
together　with　a　change。　　You　get　up；　what　do　you　do？　　Wash
yourself。　　What　do　you　wash　yourself　with？　　Soap；　put　down　soap。
Go　on　till　you　have　finished。　　Then　take　your　clothes。　　Begin　at
your　feet；　what　do　you　wear　on　your　feet？　　Boots；　shoes；　socks；　put
them　down。　　Work　up　till　you　get　to　your　head。　　What　else　do　you
want　besides　clothes？　　A　little　brandy；　put　it　down。　　A　corkscrew；
put　it　down。　　Put　down　everything；　then　you　don't　forget　anything。〃

That　is　the　plan　he　always　pursued　himself。　　The　list　made；　he
would　go　over　it　carefully；　as　he　always　advised；　to　see　that　he
had　forgotten　nothing。　　Then　he　would　go　over　it　again；　and　strike
out　everything　it　was　possible　to　dispense　with。

Then　he　would　lose　the　list。

Said　George：　　〃Just　sufficient　for　a　day　or　two　we　will　take　with
us　on　our　bikes。　　The　bulk　of　our　luggage　we　must　send　on　from　town
to　town。〃

〃We　must　be　careful；〃　I　said；　〃I　knew　a　man　once〃

Harris　looked　at　his　watch。

〃We'll　hear　about　him　on　the　boat；〃　said　Harris；　〃I　have　got　to
meet　Clara　at　Waterloo　Station　in　half　an　hour。〃

〃It　won't　take　half　an　hour；〃　I　said；　〃it's　a　true　story；　and〃

〃Don't　waste　it；〃　said　George：　　〃I　am　told　there　are　rainy　evenings
in　the　Black　Forest；　we　may　he　glad　of　it。　　What　we　have　to　do　now
is　to　finish　this　list。〃

Now　I　come　to　think　of　it；　I　never　did　get　off　that　story；
something　always　interrupted　it。　　And　it　really　was　true。



CHAPTER　III



Harris's　one　faultHarris　and　the　AngelA　patent　bicycle　lamp
The　ideal　saddleThe　〃Overhauler〃His　eagle　eyeHis　methodHis
cheery　confidenceHis　simple　and　inexpensive　tastesHis
appearanceHow　to　get　rid　of　himGeorge　as　prophetThe　gentle
art　of　making　oneself　disagreeable　in　a　foreign　tongueGeorge　as　a
student　of　human　natureHe　proposes　an　experimentHis　Prudence
Harris's　support　secured；　upon　conditions。

On　Monday　afternoon　Harris　came　round；　he　had　a　cycling　paper　in
his　hand。

I　said：　　〃If　you　take　my　advice；　you　will　leave　it　alone。〃

Harris　said：　　〃Leave　what　alone？〃

I　said：　　〃That　brand…new；　patent；　revolution　in　cycling；　record…
breaking；　Tomfoolishness；　whatever　it　may　be；　the　advertisement　of
which　you　have　there　in　your　hand。〃

He　said：　　〃Well；　I　don't　know；　there　will　be　some　steep　hills　for
us　to　negotiate；　I　guess　we　shall　want　a　good　brake。〃

I　said：　　〃We　shall　want　a　brake；　I　agree；　what　we　shall　not　want　is
a　mechanical　surprise　that　we　don't　understand；　and　that　never　acts
when　it　is　wanted。〃

〃This　thing；〃　he　said；　〃acts　automatically。〃

〃You　needn't　tell　me；〃　I　said。　　〃I　know　exactly　what　it　will　do；　by
instinct。　　Going　uphill　it　will　jamb　the　wheel　so　effectively　that
we　shall　have　to　carry　the　machine　bodily。　　The　air　at　the　top　of
the　hill　will　do　it　good；　and　it　will　suddenly　come　right　again。
Going　downhill　it　will　start　reflecting　what　a　nuisance　it　has
been。　　This　will　lead　to　remorse；　and　finally　to　despair。　　It　will
say　to　itself：　　'I'm　not　fit　to　be　a　brake。　　I　don't　help　these
fellows；　I　only　hinder　them。　　I'm　a　curse；　that's　what　I　am；'　and；
without　a　word　of　warning；　it　will　'chuck'　the　whole　business。
That　is　what　that　brake　will　do。　　Leave　it　alone。　　You　are　a　good
fellow；〃　I　continued；　〃but　you　have　one　fault。〃

〃What？〃　he　asked；　indignantly。

〃You　have　too　much　faith；〃　I　answered。　　〃If　you　read　an
advertisement；　you　go　away　and　believe　it。　　Every　experiment　that
every　fool　has　thought　of　in　connection　with　cycling　you　have
tried。　　Your　guardian　angel　appears　to　be　a　capable　and
conscientious　spirit；　and　hitherto　she　has　seen　you　through；　take
my　advice　and　don't　try　her　too　far。　　She　must　have　had　a　busy　time
since　you　started　cycling。　　Don't　go　on　till　you　make　her　mad。〃

He　said：　　〃If　every　man　talked　like　that　there　would　be　no
advancement　made　in　any　department　of　life。　　If　nobody　ever　tried　a
new　thing　the　world　would　come　to　a　standstill。　　It　is　by〃

〃I　know　all　that　can　be　said　on　that　side　of　the　argument；〃　I
interrupted。　　〃I　agree　in　trying　new　experiments　up　to　thirty…five；
AFTER　thirty…five　I　consider　a　man　is　entitled　to　think　of　himself。
You　and　I　have　done　our　duty　in　this　direction；　you　especially。
You　have　been　blown　up　by　a　patent　gas　lamp〃

He　said：　　〃I　really　think；　you　know；　that　was　my　fault；　I　think　I
must　have　screwed　it　up　too　tight。〃

I　said：　　〃I　am　quite　willing　to　believe　that　if　there　was　a　wrong
way　of　handling　the　thing　that　is　the　way　you　handle　it。　　You
should　take　that　tendency　of　yours　into　consideration；　it　bears
upon　the　argument。　　Myself；　I　did　not　notice　what　you　did；　I　only
know　we　were　riding　peacefully　and　pleasantly　along　the　Whitby
Road；　discussing　the　Thirty　Years'　War；　when　your　lamp　went　off
like　a　pistol…shot。　　The　start　sent　me　into　the　ditch；　and　your
wife's　face；　when　I　told　her　there　was　nothing　the　matter　and　that
she　was　not　to　worry；　because　the　two　men　would　carry　you　upstairs；
and　the　doctor　would　be　round　in　a　minute　bringing　the　nurse　with
him；　still　lingers　in　my　memory。〃

He　said：　　〃I　wish　you　had　thought　to　pick　up　the　lamp。　　I　should
like　to　have　found　out　what　was　the　cause　of　its　going　off　like
that。〃

I　said：　　〃There　was　not　time　to　pick　up　the　lamp。　　I　calculate　it
would　have　taken　two　hours　to　have　collected　it。　　As　to　its　'going
off；'　the　mere　fact　of　its　being　advertised　as　the　safest　lamp　ever
invented　would　of　itself；　to　anyone　but　you；　have　suggested
accident。　　Then　there　was　that　electric　lamp；〃　I　continued。

〃Well；　that　really　did　give　a　fine　light；〃　he　replied；　〃you　said　so
yourself。〃

I　said：　　〃It　gave　a　brilliant　light　in　the　King's　Road；　Brighton；
and　frightened　a　horse。　　The　moment　we　got　into　the　dark　beyond
Kemp　Town　it　went　out；　and　you　were　summoned　for　riding　without　a
light。　　You　may　remember　that　on　sunny　afternoons　you　used　to　ride
about　with　that　lamp　shining　for　all　it　was　worth。　　When　lighting…
up　time　came　it　was　naturally　tired；　and　wanted　a　rest。〃

〃It　was　a　bit　irritating；　that　lamp；〃　he　murmured；　〃I　remember　it。〃

I　said：　　〃It　irritated　me；　it　must　have　been　worse　for　you。　　Then
there　are　saddles；〃　I　went　onI　wished　to　get　this　lesson　home　to
him。　　〃Can　you　think　of　any　saddle　ever　advertised　that　you　have
NOT　tried？〃

He　said：　　〃It　has　been　an　idea　of　mine　that　the　right　saddle　is　to
be　found。〃

I　said：　　〃You　give　up　that　idea；　this　is　an　imperfect　world　of　joy
and　sorrow　mingled。　　There　may　be　a　better　land　　where　　bicycle
saddles　are　made　out　of　rainbow；　stuffed　with　cloud；　in　this　world
the　simplest　thing　is　to　get　used　to　something　hard。　　There　was
that　saddle　you　bought　in　Birmingham；　it　was　divided　in　the　middle；
and　looked　like　a　pair　of　kidneys。〃

He　said：　　〃You　mean　that　one　constructed　on　anatomical　principles。〃

〃Very　likely；〃　I　replied。　　〃The　box　you　bought　it　in　had　a　picture
on　the　cover；　representing　a　sitting　skeletonor　rather　that　part
of　a　skeleton　which　does　sit。〃

He　said：　　〃It　was　quite　correct；　it　showed　you　the　true　position　of
the〃

I　said：　　〃We　will　not　go　into　details；　the　picture　always　seemed　to
me　indelicate。〃

He　said：　　〃Medically　speaking；　it　was　right。〃

〃Possibly；〃　I　said；　〃for　a　man　who　rode　in　nothing　but　his　bones。
I　only　know　that　I　tried　it　myself；　and　that　to　a　man　who　wore
flesh　it　was　agony。　　Every　time　you　went　over　a　stone　or　a　rut　it
nipped　you；　it　was　like　riding　on　an　irritable　lobster。　　You　rode
that　for　a　month。〃

〃I　thought　it　only　right　to　give　it　a　fair　trial；〃　he　answered。

I　said：　　〃You　gave　your　family　a　fair　trial　also；　if　you　will　allow
me　the　use　of　slang。　　Your　wife　told　me　that　never　in　the　whole
course　of　your　married　life　had　she　known　you　so　bad　tempered；　so
un…Christian　like；　as　you　were　that　month。　　Then　you