three men on the bummel-第6章

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course　of　your　married　life　had　she　known　you　so　bad　tempered；　so
un…Christian　like；　as　you　were　that　month。　　Then　you　remember　that
other　saddle；　the　one　with　the　spring　under　it。〃

He　said：　　〃You　mean　'the　Spiral。'〃

I　said：　　〃I　mean　the　one　that　jerked　you　up　and　down　like　a　Jack…
in…the…box；　sometimes　you　came　down　again　in　the　right　place；　and
sometimes　you　didn't。　　I　am　not　referring　to　these　matters　merely
to　recall　painful　memories；　but　I　want　to　impress　you　with　the
folly　of　trying　experiments　at　your　time　of　life。〃

He　said。　　〃I　wish　you　wouldn't　harp　so　much　on　my　age。　　A　man　at
thirty…four〃

〃A　man　at　what？〃

He　said：　　〃If　you　don't　want　the　thing；　don't　have　it。　　If　your
machine　runs　away　with　you　down　a　mountain；　and　you　and　George　get
flung　through　a　church　roof；　don't　blame　me。〃

〃I　cannot　promise　for　George；〃　I　said；　〃a　little　thing　will
sometimes　irritate　him；　as　you　know。　　If　such　an　accident　as　you
suggest　happen；　he　may　be　cross；　but　I　will　undertake　to　explain　to
him　that　it　was　not　your　fault。〃

〃Is　the　thing　all　right？〃　he　asked。

〃The　tandem；〃　I　replied；　〃is　well。〃

He　said：　　〃Have　you　overhauled　it？〃

I　said：　　〃I　have　not；　nor　is　anyone　else　going　to　overhaul　it。　　The
thing　is　now　in　working　order；　and　it　is　going　to　remain　in　working
order　till　we　start。〃

I　have　had　experience　of　this　〃overhauling。〃　　There　was　a　man　at
Folkestone；　I　used　to　meet　him　on　the　Lees。　　He　proposed　one
evening　we　should　go　for　a　long　bicycle　ride　together　on　the
following　day；　and　I　agreed。　　I　got　up　early；　for　me；　I　made　an
effort；　and　was　pleased　with　myself。　　He　came　half　an　hour　late：　　I
was　waiting　for　him　in　the　garden。　　It　was　a　lovely　day。　　He　said：…

〃That's　a　good…looking　machine　of　yours。　　How　does　it　run？〃

〃Oh；　like　most　of　them！〃　I　answered；　〃easily　enough　in　the　morning；
goes　a　little　stiffly　after　lunch。〃

He　caught　hold　of　it　by　the　front　wheel　and　the　fork　and　shook　it
violently。

I　said：　　〃Don't　do　that；　you'll　hurt　it。〃

I　did　not　see　why　he　should　shake　it；　it　had　not　done　anything　to
him。　　Besides；　if　it　wanted　shaking；　I　was　the　proper　person　to
shake　it。　　I　felt　much　as　I　should　had　he　started　whacking　my　dog。

He　said：　　〃This　front　wheel　wobbles。〃

I　said：　　〃It　doesn't　if　you　don't　wobble　it。〃　　It　didn't　wobble；　as
a　matter　of　factnothing　worth　calling　a　wobble。

He　said：　　〃This　is　dangerous；　have　you　got　a　screw…hammer？〃

I　ought　to　have　been　firm；　but　I　thought　that　perhaps　he　really　did
know　something　about　the　business。　　I　went　to　the　tool　shed　to　see
what　I　could　find。　　When　I　came　back　he　was　sitting　on　the　ground
with　the　front　wheel　between　his　legs。　　He　was　playing　with　it；
twiddling　it　round　between　his　fingers；　the　remnant　of　the　machine
was　lying　on　the　gravel　path　beside　him。

He　said：　　〃Something　has　happened　to　this　front　wheel　of　yours。〃

〃It　looks　like　it；　doesn't　it？〃　I　answered。　　But　he　was　the　sort　of
man　that　never　understands　satire。

He　said：　　〃It　looks　to　me　as　if　the　bearings　were　all　wrong。〃

I　said：　　〃Don't　you　trouble　about　it　any　more；　you　will　make
yourself　tired。　　Let　us　put　it　back　and　get　off。〃

He　said：　　〃We　may　as　well　see　what　is　the　matter　with　it；　now　it　is
out。〃　　He　talked　as　though　it　had　dropped　out　by　accident。

Before　I　could　stop　him　he　had　unscrewed　something　somewhere；　and
out　rolled　all　over　the　path　some　dozen　or　so　little　balls。

〃Catch　'em！〃　he　shouted；　〃catch　'em！　　We　mustn't　lose　any　of　them。〃
He　was　quite　excited　about　them。

We　grovelled　round　for　half　an　hour；　and　found　sixteen。　　He　said　he
hoped　we　had　got　them　all；　because；　if　not；　it　would　make　a　serious
difference　to　the　machine。　　He　said　there　was　nothing　you　should　be
more　careful　about　in　taking　a　bicycle　to　pieces　than　seeing　you
did　not　lose　any　of　the　balls。　　He　explained　that　you　ought　to
count　them　as　you　took　them　out；　and　see　that　exactly　the　same
number　went　back　in　each　place。　　I　promised；　if　ever　I　took　a
bicycle　to　pieces　I　would　remember　his　advice。

I　put　the　balls　for　safety　in　my　hat；　and　I　put　my　hat　upon　the
doorstep。　　It　was　not　a　sensible　thing　to　do；　I　admit。　　As　a　matter
of　fact；　it　was　a　silly　thing　to　do。　　I　am　not　as　a　rule　addle…
headed；　his　influence　must　have　affected　me。

He　then　said　that　while　he　was　about　it　he　would　see　to　the　chain
for　me；　and　at　once　began　taking　off　the　gear…case。　　I　did　try　to
persuade　him　from　that。　　I　told　him　what　an　experienced　friend　of
mine　once　said　to　me　solemnly：…

〃If　anything　goes　wrong　with　your　gear…case；　sell　the　machine　and
buy　a　new　one；　it　comes　cheaper。〃

He　said：　　〃People　talk　like　that　who　understand　nothing　about
machines。　　Nothing　is　easier　than　taking　off　a　gear…case。〃

I　had　to　confess　he　was　right。　　In　less　than　five　minutes　he　had
the　gear…case　in　two　pieces；　lying　on　the　path；　and　was　grovelling
for　screws。　　He　said　it　was　always　a　mystery　to　him　the　way　screws
disappeared。

We　were　still　looking　for　the　screws　when　Ethelbertha　came　out。
She　seemed　surprised　to　find　us　there；　she　said　she　thought　we　had
started　hours　ago。

He　said：　　〃We　shan't　be　long　now。　　I'm　just　helping　your　husband　to
overhaul　this　machine　of　his。　　It's　a　good　machine；　but　they　all
want　going　over　occasionally。〃

Ethelbertha　said：　　〃If　you　want　to　wash　yourselves　when　you　have
done　you　might　go　into　the　back　kitchen；　if　you　don't　mind；　the
girls　have　just　finished　the　bedrooms。〃

She　told　me　that　if　she　met　Kate　they　would　probably　go　for　a　sail；
but　that　in　any　case　she　would　be　back　to　lunch。　　I　would　have
given　a　sovereign　to　be　going　with　her。　　I　was　getting　heartily
sick　of　standing　about　watching　this　fool　breaking　up　my　bicycle。

Common　sense　continued　to　whisper　to　me：　　〃Stop　him；　before　he　does
any　more　mischief。　　You　have　a　right　to　protect　your　own　property
from　the　ravages　of　a　lunatic。　　Take　him　by　the　scruff　of　the　neck；
and　kick　him　out　of　the　gate！〃

But　I　am　weak　when　it　comes　to　hurting　other　people's　feelings；　and
I　let　him　muddle　on。

He　gave　up　looking　for　the　rest　of　the　screws。　　He　said　screws　had
a　knack　of　turning　up　when　you　least　expected　them；　and　that　now　he
would　see　to　the　chain。　　He　tightened　it　till　it　would　not　move；
next　he　loosened　it　until　it　was　twice　as　loose　as　it　was　before。
Then　he　said　we　had　better　think　about　getting　the　front　wheel　back
into　its　place　again。

I　held　the　fork　open；　and　he　worried　with　the　wheel。　　At　the　end　of
ten　minutes　I　suggested　he　should　hold　the　forks；　and　that　I　should
handle　the　wheel；　and　we　changed　places。　　At　the　end　of　his　first
minute　he　dropped　the　machine；　and　took　a　short　walk　round　the
croquet　lawn；　with　his　hands　pressed　together　between　his　thighs。
He　explained　as　he　walked　that　the　thing　to　be　careful　about　was　to
avoid　getting　your　fingers　pinched　between　the　forks　and　the　spokes
of　the　wheel。　　I　replied　I　was　convinced；　from　my　own　experience；
that　there　was　much　truth　in　what　he　said。　　He　wrapped　himself　up
in　a　couple　of　dusters；　and　we　commenced　again。　　At　length　we　did
get　the　thing　into　position；　and　the　moment　it　was　in　position　he
burst　out　laughing。

I　said：　　〃What's　the　joke？〃

He　said：　　〃Well；　I　am　an　ass！〃

It　was　the　first　thing　he　had　said　that　made　me　respect　him。　　I
asked　him　what　had　led　him　to　the　discovery。

He　said：　　〃We've　forgotten　the　balls！〃

I　looked　for　my　hat；　it　was　lying　topsy…turvy　in　the　middle　of　the
path；　and　Ethelbertha's　favourite　hound　was　swallowing　the　balls　as
fast　as　he　could　pick　them　up。

〃He　will　kill　himself；〃　said　EbbsonI　have　never　met　him　since
that　day；　thank　the　Lord；　but　I　think　his　name　was　Ebbson〃they
are　solid　steel。〃

I　said：　　〃I　am　not　troubling　about　the　dog。　　He　has　had　a　bootlace
and　a　packet　of　needles　already　this　week。　　Nature's　the　best
guide；　puppies　seem　to　require　this　kind　of　stimulant。　　What　I　am
thinking　about　is　my　bicycle。〃

He　was　of　a　cheerful　disposition。　　He　said：　　〃Well；　we　must　put
back　all　we　can　find；　and　trust　to　Providence。〃

We　found　eleven。　　We　fixed　six　on　one　side　and　five　on　the　other；
and　half　an　hour　later　the　wheel　was　in　its　place　again。　　It　need
hardly　be　added　that　it　really　did　wobble　now；　a　child　might　have
noticed　it。　　Ebbson　said　it　would　do　for　the　present。　　He　appeared
to　be　getting　a　bit　tired　himself。　　If　I　had　let　him；　he　would；　I
believe；　at　this　point　have　gone　home。　　I　was　determined　now；
however；　that　he　should　stop　and　finish；　I　had　abandoned　all
thoughts　of　a　ride。　　My　pride　in　the　machine　he　had　killed。　　My
only　interest　lay　now　in　seeing　him　scratch　and　bump　and　pinch
himself。　　I　revived　his　drooping　spirits　with　a　glass　of　beer　and
some　judicious　praise。　　I　said：

〃Watching　you　do　this　is　of　real　use　to　me。　　It　is　not　only　your
skill　and　dexterity　that　fascinates　me；　it　is　your　cheery
confidence　in　yourself；　your　inexplicable　hopefulness；　that　does　me
good。〃

Thus　encouraged；　he　set　to　work　to　refix　the　gear…case。　　He　stood
the　bicycle　against　the　house；　and　worked　from　the　off　side。　　Then
he　stood　it　against　a　tree；　and　worked　from　the　near　side。　　Then　I
held　it　for　him；　while　he　lay　on　the　ground　with　his　head　between
the　wheels；　and　worked　at　it　from　below；　and　dropped　oil　upon
himself。　　Then　he　took　it　away　from　me；　and　doubled　himself　across
it　like　a　pack…saddle；　till　he　lost　his　balance　and　slid　over　on　to
his　head。　　Three　times　he　said：

〃Thank　Heaven；　that's　right　at　last！〃

And　twice　he　said：

〃No；　I'm　damned　if　it　is　after　all！〃

What　he　said　the　third　time　I　try　to　forget。

Then　he　lost　his　temper　and　tried　bullying　the　thing。　　The　bicycle；
I　was　glad　to　see；　showed　spirit；　and　the　subsequent　proceedings
degenerated　into　little　else　than　a　rough…and…tumble　fight　between
him　and　the　machine。　　One　moment　the　bicycle　would　be　on　the　gravel
path；　and　he　on　top　of　it；　the　next；　the　position　would　be
reversedhe　on　the　gravel　path；　the　bicycle　on　him。　　Now　he　would
be　standing　flushed　with　victory；　the　bicycle　firmly　fixed　between
his　legs。　　But　his　triumph　would　be　short…lived。　　By　a　sudden；
quick　movement　it　would　free　itself；　and；　turning　upon　him；　hit　him
sharply　over　the　head　with　one　of　its　handles。

At　a　quarter　to　one；　dirty　and　dishevelled；　cut　and　breeding；　he
said：　　〃I　think　that　will　do；〃　and　rose　and　wiped　his　brow。

The　bicycle　looked　as　if　it　also　had　had　enough　of　it。　　Which　had
received　most　punishment　it　would　have　been　difficult　to　say。　　I
took　him　into　the　back　kitchen；　where；　so　far　as　was　possible
without　soda　and　proper　tools；　he　cleaned　himself；　and　sent　him
home。

The　bicycle　I　put　into　a　cab　and　took　round　to　the　nearest
repairing　shop。　　The　foreman　of　the　works　came　up　and　looked　at　it。

〃What　do　you　want　me　to　do　with　that？〃　said　he。

〃I　want　you；〃　I　said；　〃so　far　as　is　possible；　to　restore　it。〃

〃It's　a　bit　far　gone；〃　said　he；　〃but　I'll　do　my　best。〃

He　did　his　best；　which　came　to　two　pounds　ten。　　But　it　was　never
the　same　machine　again；　and　at　the　end　of　the　season　I　left　it　in
an　agent's　hands　to　sell。　　I　wished　to　deceive　nobody；　I　instructed
the　man　to　advertise　it　as　a　last　year's　machine。　　The　agent
advised　me　not　to　mention　any　date。　　He　said：

〃In　this　business　it　isn't　a