three men on the bummel-第7章

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advised　me　not　to　mention　any　date。　　He　said：

〃In　this　business　it　isn't　a　question　of　what　is　true　and　what
isn't；　it's　a　question　of　what　you　can　get　people　to　believe。　　Now；
between　you　and　me；　it　don't　look　like　a　last　year's　machine；　so
far　as　looks　are　concerned；　it　might　be　a　ten…year　old。　　We'll　say
nothing　about　date；　we'll　just　get　what　we　can。〃

I　left　the　matter　to　him；　and　he　got　me　five　pounds；　which　he　said
was　more　than　he　had　expected。

There　are　two　ways　you　can　get　exercise　out　of　a　bicycle：　　you　can
〃overhaul〃　it；　or　you　can　ride　it。　　On　the　whole；　I　am　not　sure
that　a　man　who　takes　his　pleasure　overhauling　does　not　have　the
best　of　the　bargain。　　He　is　independent　of　the　weather　and　the
wind；　the　state　of　the　roads　troubles　him　not。　　Give　him　a　screw…
hammer；　a　bundle　of　rags；　an　oil…can；　and　something　to　sit　down
upon；　and　he　is　happy　for　the　day。　　He　has　to　put　up　with　certain
disadvantages；　of　course；　there　is　no　joy　without　alloy。　　He
himself　always　looks　like　a　tinker；　and　his　machine　always　suggests
the　idea　that；　having　stolen　it；　he　has　tried　to　disguise　it；　but
as　he　rarely　gets　beyond　the　first　milestone　with　it；　this；
perhaps；　does　not　much　matter。　　The　mistake　some　people　make　is　in
thinking　they　can　get　both　forms　of　sport　out　of　the　same　machine。
This　is　impossible；　no　machine　will　stand　the　double　strain。　　You
must　make　up　your　mind　whether　you　are　going　to　be　an　〃overhauler〃
or　a　rider。　　Personally；　I　prefer　to　ride；　therefore　I　take　care　to
have　near　me　nothing　that　can　tempt　me　to　overhaul。　　When　anything
happens　to　my　machine　I　wheel　it　to　the　nearest　repairing　shop。　　If
I　am　too　far　from　the　town　or　village　to　walk；　I　sit　by　the
roadside　and　wait　till　a　cart　comes　along。　　My　chief　danger；　I
always　find；　is　from　the　wandering　overhauler。　　The　sight　of　a
broken…down　machine　is　to　the　overhauler　as　a　wayside　corpse　to　a
crow；　he　swoops　down　upon　it　with　a　friendly　yell　of　triumph。　　At
first　I　used　to　try　politeness。　　I　would　say：

〃It　is　nothing；　don't　you　trouble。　　You　ride　on；　and　enjoy
yourself；　I　beg　it　of　you　as　a　favour；　please　go　away。〃

Experience　has　taught　me；　however；　that　courtesy　is　of　no　use　in
such　an　extremity。　　Now　I　say：

〃You　go　away　and　leave　the　thing　alone；　or　I　will　knock　your　silly
head　off。〃

And　if　you　look　determined；　and　have　a　good　stout　cudgel　in　your
hand；　you　can　generally　drive　him　off。

George　came　in　later　in　the　day。　　He　said：

〃Well；　do　you　think　everything　will　be　ready？〃

I　said：　　〃Everything　will　be　ready　by　Wednesday；　except；　perhaps；
you　and　Harris。〃

He　said：　　〃Is　the　tandem　all　right？〃

〃The　tandem；〃　I　said；　〃is　well。〃

He　said：　　〃You　don't　think　it　wants　overhauling？〃

I　replied：　　〃Age　and　experience　have　taught　me　that　there　are　few
matters　concerning　which　a　man　does　well　to　be　positive。
Consequently；　there　remain　to　me　now　but　a　limited　number　of
questions　upon　which　I　feel　any　degree　of　certainty。　　Among　such
still…unshaken　beliefs；　however；　is　the　conviction　that　that　tandem
does　not　want　overhauling。　　I　also　feel　a　presentiment　that；
provided　my　life　is　spared；　no　human　being　between　now　and
Wednesday　morning　is　going　to　overhaul　it。〃

George　said：　　〃I　should　not　show　temper　over　the　matter；　if　I　were
you。　　There　will　come　a　day；　perhaps　not　far　distant；　when　that
bicycle；　with　a　couple　of　mountains　between　it　and　the　nearest
repairing　shop；　will；　in　spite　of　your　chronic　desire　for　rest；
HAVE　to　be　overhauled。　　Then　you　will　clamour　for　people　to　tell
you　where　you　put　the　oil…can；　and　what　you　have　done　with　the
screw…hammer。　　Then；　while　you　exert　yourself　holding　the　thing
steady　against　a　tree；　you　will　suggest　that　somebody　else　should
clean　the　chain　and　pump　the　back　wheel。〃

I　felt　there　was　justice　in　George's　rebukealso　a　certain　amount
of　prophetic　wisdom。　　I　said：

〃Forgive　me　if　I　seemed　unresponsive。　　The　truth　is；　Harris　was
round　here　this　morning〃

George　said：　　〃Say　no　more；　I　understand。　　Besides；　what　I　came　to
talk　to　you　about　was　another　matter。　　Look　at　that。〃

He　handed　me　a　small　book　bound　in　red　cloth。　　It　was　a　guide　to
English　conversation　for　the　use　of　German　travellers。　　It
commenced　〃On　a　Steam…boat；〃　and　terminated　〃At　the　Doctor's〃；　its
longest　chapter　being　devoted　to　conversation　in　a　railway
carriage；　among；　apparently；　a　compartment　load　of　quarrelsome　and
ill…mannered　lunatics：　　〃Can　you　not　get　further　away　from　me；
sir？〃〃It　is　impossible；　madam；　my　neighbour；　here；　is　very
stout〃〃Shall　we　not　endeavour　to　arrange　our　legs？〃〃Please　have
the　goodness　to　keep　your　elbows　down〃〃Pray　do　not　inconvenience
yourself；　madam；　if　my　shoulder　is　of　any　accommodation　to　you；〃
whether　intended　to　be　said　sarcastically　or　not；　there　was　nothing
to　indicate〃I　really　must　request　you　to　move　a　little；　madam；　I
can　hardly　breathe；〃　the　author's　idea　being；　presumably；　that　by
this　time　the　whole　party　was　mixed　up　together　on　the　floor。　　The
chapter　concluded　with　the　phrase；　〃Here　we　are　at　our　destination；
God　be　thanked！　　（Gott　sei　dank！）〃　a　pious　exclamation；　which　under
the　circumstances　must　have　taken　the　form　of　a　chorus。

At　the　end　of　the　book　was　an　appendix；　giving　the　German　traveller
hints　concerning　the　preservation　of　his　health　and　comfort　during
his　sojourn　in　English　towns；　chief　among　such　hints　being　advice
to　him　to　always　travel　with　a　supply　of　disinfectant　powder；　to
always　lock　his　bedroom　door　at　night；　and　to　always　carefully
count　his　small　change。

〃It　is　not　a　brilliant　publication；〃　I　remarked；　handing　the　book
back　to　George；　〃it　is　not　a　book　that　personally　I　would　recommend
to　any　German　about　to　visit　England；　I　think　it　would　get　him
disliked。　　But　I　have　read　books　published　in　London　for　the　use　of
English　travellers　abroad　every　whit　as　foolish。　　Some　educated
idiot；　misunderstanding　seven　languages；　would　appear　to　go　about
writing　these　books　for　the　misinformation　and　false　guidance　of
modern　Europe。〃

〃You　cannot　deny；〃　said　George；　〃that　these　books　are　in　large
request。　　They　are　bought　by　the　thousand；　I　know。　　In　every　town
in　Europe　there　must　be　people　going　about　talking　this　sort　of
thing。〃

〃Maybe；〃　I　replied；　〃but　fortunately　nobody　understands　them。　　I
have　noticed；　myself；　men　standing　on　railway　platforms　and　at
street　corners　reading　aloud　from　such　books。　　Nobody　knows　what
language　they　are　speaking；　nobody　has　the　slightest　knowledge　of
what　they　are　saying。　　This　is；　perhaps；　as　well；　were　they
understood　they　would　probably　be　assaulted。〃

George　said：　　〃Maybe　you　are　right；　my　idea　is　to　see　what　would
happen　if　they　were　understood。　　My　proposal　is　to　get　to　London
early　on　Wednesday　morning；　and　spend　an　hour　or　two　going　about
and　shopping　with　the　aid　of　this　book。　　There　are　one　or　two
little　things　I　wanta　hat　and　a　pair　of　bedroom　slippers；　among
other　articles。　　Our　boat　does　not　leave　Tilbury　till　twelve；　and
that　just　gives　us　time。　　I　want　to　try　this　sort　of　talk　where　I
can　properly　judge　of　its　effect。　　I　want　to　see　how　the　foreigner
feels　when　he　is　talked　to　in　this　way。〃

It　struck　me　as　a　sporting　idea。　　In　my　enthusiasm　I　offered　to
accompany　him；　and　wait　outside　the　shop。　　I　said　I　thought　that
Harris　would　like　to　be　in　it；　tooor　rather　outside。

George　said　that　was　not　quite　his　scheme。　　His　proposal　was　that
Harris　and　I　should　accompany　him　into　the　shop。　　With　Harris；　who
looks　formidable；　to　support　him；　and　myself　at　the　door　to　call
the　police　if　necessary；　he　said　he　was　willing　to　adventure　the
thing。

We　walked　round　to　Harris's；　and　put　the　proposal　before　him。　　He
examined　the　book；　especially　the　chapters　dealing　with　the
purchase　of　shoes　and　hats。　　He　said：

〃If　George　talks　to　any　bootmaker　or　any　hatter　the　things　that　are
put　down　here；　it　is　not　support　he　will　want；　it　is　carrying　to
the　hospital　that　he　will　need。〃

That　made　George　angry。

〃You　talk；〃　said　George；　〃as　though　I　were　a　foolhardy　boy　without
any　sense。　　I　shall　select　from　the　more　polite　and　less　irritating
speeches；　the　grosser　insults　I　shall　avoid。〃

This　being　clearly　understood；　Harris　gave　in　his　adhesion；　and　our
start　was　fixed　for　early　Wednesday　morning。



CHAPTER　IV



Why　Harris　considers　alarm　clocks　unnecessary　in　a　familySocial
instinct　of　the　youngA　child's　thoughts　about　the　morningThe
sleepless　watchmanThe　mystery　of　himHis　over　anxietyNight
thoughtsThe　sort　of　work　one　does　before　breakfastThe　good
sheep　and　the　badDisadvantages　of　being　virtuousHarris's　new
stove　begins　badlyThe　daily　out…going　of　my　Uncle　PodgerThe
elderly　city　man　considered　as　a　racerWe　arrive　in　LondonWe
talk　the　language　of　the　traveller。

George　came　down　on　Tuesday　evening；　and　slept　at　Harris's　place。
We　thought　this　a　better　arrangement　than　his　own　suggestion；　which
was　that　we　should　call　for　him　on　our　way　and　〃pick　him　up。〃
Picking　George　up　in　the　morning　means　picking　him　out　of　bed　to
begin　with；　and　shaking　him　awakein　itself　an　exhausting　effort
with　which　to　commence　the　day；　helping　him　find　his　things　and
finish　his　packing；　and　then　waiting　for　him　while　he　eats　his
breakfast；　a　tedious　entertainment　from　the　spectator's　point　of
view；　full　of　wearisome　repetition。

I　knew　that　if　he　slept　at　〃Beggarbush〃　he　would　be　up　in　time；　I
have　slept　there　myself；　and　I　know　what　happens。　　About　the　middle
of　the　night；　as　you　judge；　though　in　reality　it　may　be　somewhat
later；　you　are　startled　out　of　your　first　sleep　by　what　sounds　like
a　rush　of　cavalry　along　the　passage；　just　outside　your　door。　　Your
half…awakened　intelligence　fluctuates　between　burglars；　the　Day　of
Judgment；　and　a　gas　explosion。　　You　sit　up　in　bed　and　listen
intently。　　You　are　not　kept　waiting　long；　the　next　moment　a　door　is
violently　slammed；　and　somebody；　or　something；　is　evidently　coming
downstairs　on　a　tea…tray。

〃I　told　you　so；〃　says　a　voice　outside；　and　immediately　some　hard
substance；　a　head　one　would　say　from　the　ring　of　it；　rebounds
against　the　panel　of　your　door。

By　this　time　you　are　charging　madly　round　the　room　for　your
clothes。　　Nothing　is　where　you　put　it　overnight；　the　articles　most
essential　have　disappeared　entirely；　and　meanwhile　the　murder；　or
revolution；　or　whatever　it　is；　continues　unchecked。　　You　pause　for
a　moment；　with　your　head　under　the　wardrobe；　where　you　think　you
can　see　your　slippers；　to　listen　to　a　steady；　monotonous　thumping
upon　a　distant　door。　　The　victim；　you　presume；　has　taken　refuge
there；　they　mean　to　have　him　out　and　finish　him。　　Will　you　be　in
time？　　The　knocking　ceases；　and　a　voice；　sweetly　reassuring　in　its
gentle　plaintiveness；　asks　meekly：

〃Pa；　may　I　get　up？〃

You　do　not　hear　the　other　voice；　but　the　responses　are：

〃No；　it　was　only　the　bathno；　she　ain't　really　hurt；only　wet；
you　know。　　Yes；　ma；　I'll　tell　'em　what　you　say。　　No；　it　was　a　pure
accident。　　Yes；　good…night；　papa。〃

Then　the　same　voice；　exerting　itself　so　as　to　be　heard　in　a　distant
part　of　the　house；　remarks：

〃You've　got　to　come　upstairs　again。　　Pa　says　it　isn't　time　yet　to
get　up。〃

You　return　to　bed；　and　lie　listening　to　somebody　being　dragged
ups