three men in a boat-第17章

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them　with　the　boat…hook；　and；　when　they　were　in；　it　turned　out　that　they　

were　the　wrong　hoops　for　those　particular　sockets；　and　they　had　to　come　

out　again。



But　they　would　not　come　out；　until　two　of　us　had　gone　and　struggled　with　

them　for　five　minutes；　when　they　would　jump　up　suddenly；　and　try　and　

throw　us　into　the　water　and　drown　us。　　They　had　hinges　in　the　middle；　

and；　when　we　were　not　looking；　they　nipped　us　with　these　hinges　in　

delicate　parts　of　the　body；　and；　while　we　were　wrestling　with　one　side　of　

the　hoop；　and　endeavouring　to　persuade　it　to　do　its　duty；　the　other　side　

would　come　behind　us　in　a　cowardly　manner；　and　hit　us　over　the　head。



We　got　them　fixed　at　last；　and　then　all　that　was　to　be　done　was　to　

arrange　the　covering　over　them。　　George　unrolled　it；　and　fastened　one　end　

over　the　nose　of　the　boat。　　Harris　stood　in　the　middle　to　take　it　from　

George　and　roll　it　on　to　me；　and　I　kept　by　the　stern　to　receive　it。　　It　

was　a　long　time　coming　down　to　me。　　George　did　his　part　all　right；　but　it　

was　new　work　to　Harris；　and　he　bungled　it。



How　he　managed　it　I　do　not　know；　he　could　not　explain　himself；　but　by　

some　mysterious　process　or　other　he　succeeded；　after　ten　minutes　of　

superhuman　effort；　in　getting　himself　completely　rolled　up　in　it。　　He　was　

so　firmly　wrapped　round　and　tucked　in　and　folded　over；　that　he　could　not　

get　out。　　He；　of　course；　made　frantic　struggles　for　freedom　…　the　

birthright　of　every　Englishman；　…　and；　in　doing　so　（I　learned　this　

afterwards）；　knocked　over　George；　and　then　George；　swearing　at　Harris；　

began　to　struggle　too；　and　got　himself　entangled　and　rolled　up。



I　knew　nothing　about　all　this　at　the　time。　　I　did　not　understand　the　

business　at　all　myself。　　I　had　been　told　to　stand　where　I　was；　and　wait　

till　the　canvas　came　to　me；　and　Montmorency　and　I　stood　there　and　waited；　

both　as　good　as　gold。　　We　could　see　the　canvas　being　violently　jerked　and　

tossed　about；　pretty　considerably；　but　we　supposed　this　was　part　of　the　

method；　and　did　not　interfere。



We　also　heard　much　smothered　language　coming　from　underneath　it；　and　we　

guessed　that　they　were　finding　the　job　rather　troublesome；　and　concluded　

that　we　would　wait　until　things　had　got　a　little　simpler　before　we　joined　

in。



We　waited　some　time；　but　matters　seemed　to　get　only　more　and　more　

involved；　until；　at　last；　George's　head　came　wriggling　out　over　the　side　

of　the　boat；　and　spoke　up。



It　said：



〃Give　us　a　hand　here；　can't　you；　you　cuckoo；　standing　there　like　a　

stuffed　mummy；　when　you　see　we　are　both　being　suffocated；　you　dummy！〃



I　never　could　withstand　an　appeal　for　help；　so　I　went　and　undid　them；　not　

before　it　was　time；　either；　for　Harris　was　nearly　black　in　the　face。



It　took　us　half　an　hour's　hard　labour；　after　that；　before　it　was　properly　

up；　and　then　we　cleared　the　decks；　and　got　out　supper。　　We　put　the　kettle　

on　to　boil；　up　in　the　nose　of　the　boat；　and　went　down　to　the　stern　and　

pretended　to　take　no　notice　of　it；　but　set　to　work　to　get　the　other　

things　out。



That　is　the　only　way　to　get　a　kettle　to　boil　up　the　river。　　If　it　sees　

that　you　are　waiting　for　it　and　are　anxious；　it　will　never　even　sing。　　

You　have　to　go　away　and　begin　your　meal；　as　if　you　were　not　going　to　have　

any　tea　at　all。　　You　must　not　even　look　round　at　it。　　Then　you　will　soon　

hear　it　sputtering　away；　mad　to　be　made　into　tea。



It　is　a　good　plan；　too；　if　you　are　in　a　great　hurry；　to　talk　very　loudly　

to　each　other　about　how　you　don't　need　any　tea；　and　are　not　going　to　have　

any。　　You　get　near　the　kettle；　so　that　it　can　overhear　you；　and　then　you　

shout　out；　〃I　don't　want　any　tea；　do　you；　George？〃　to　which　George　shouts　

back；　〃Oh；　no；　I　don't　like　tea；　we'll　have　lemonade　instead　…　tea's　so　

indigestible。〃　　Upon　which　the　kettle　boils　over；　and　puts　the　stove　out。



We　adopted　this　harmless　bit　of　trickery；　and　the　result　was　that；　by　the　

time　everything　else　was　ready；　the　tea　was　waiting。　　Then　we　lit　the　

lantern；　and　squatted　down　to　supper。



We　wanted　that　supper。



For　five…and…thirty　minutes　not　a　sound　was　heard　throughout　the　length　

and　breadth　of　that　boat；　save　the　clank　of　cutlery　and　crockery；　and　the　

steady　grinding　of　four　sets　of　molars。　　At　the　end　of　five…and…thirty　

minutes；　Harris　said；　〃Ah！〃　and　took　his　left　leg　out　from　under　him　and　

put　his　right　one　there　instead。



Five　minutes　afterwards；　George　said；　〃Ah！〃　too；　and　threw　his　plate　out　

on　the　bank；　and；　three　minutes　later　than　that；　Montmorency　gave　the　

first　sign　of　contentment　he　had　exhibited　since　we　had　started；　and　

rolled　over　on　his　side；　and　spread　his　legs　out；　and　then　I　said；　〃Ah！〃　

and　bent　my　head　back；　and　bumped　it　against　one　of　the　hoops；　but　I　did　

not　mind　it。　　I　did　not　even　swear。



How　good　one　feels　when　one　is　full　…　how　satisfied　with　ourselves　and　

with　the　world！　　People　who　have　tried　it；　tell　me　that　a　clear　

conscience　makes　you　very　happy　and　contented；　but　a　full　stomach　does　

the　business　quite　as　well；　and　is　cheaper；　and　more　easily　obtained。　　

One　feels　so　forgiving　and　generous　after　a　substantial　and　well…digested　

meal　…　so　noble…minded；　so　kindly…hearted。



It　is　very　strange；　this　domination　of　our　intellect　by　our　digestive　

organs。　　We　cannot　work；　we　cannot　think；　unless　our　stomach　wills　so。　　

It　dictates　to　us　our　emotions；　our　passions。　　After　eggs　and　bacon；　it　

says；　〃Work！〃　　After　beefsteak　and　porter；　it　says；　〃Sleep！〃　　After　a　cup　

of　tea　（two　spoonsful　for　each　cup；　and　don't　let　it　stand　more　than　

three　minutes）；　it　says　to　the　brain；　〃Now；　rise；　and　show　your　strength。　　

Be　eloquent；　and　deep；　and　tender；　see；　with　a　clear　eye；　into　Nature　and　

into　life；　spread　your　white　wings　of　quivering　thought；　and　soar；　a　god…

like　spirit；　over　the　whirling　world　beneath　you；　up　through　long　lanes　

of　flaming　stars　to　the　gates　of　eternity！〃



After　hot　muffins；　it　says；　〃Be　dull　and　soulless；　like　a　beast　of　the　

field　…　a　brainless　animal；　with　listless　eye；　unlit　by　any　ray　of　fancy；　

or　of　hope；　or　fear；　or　love；　or　life。〃　　And　after　brandy；　taken　in　

sufficient　quantity；　it　says；　〃Now；　come；　fool；　grin　and　tumble；　that　

your　fellow…men　may　laugh　…　drivel　in　folly；　and　splutter　in　senseless　

sounds；　and　show　what　a　helpless　ninny　is　poor　man　whose　wit　and　will　are　

drowned；　like　kittens；　side　by　side；　in　half　an　inch　of　alcohol。〃



We　are　but　the　veriest；　sorriest　slaves　of　our　stomach。　　Reach　not　after　

morality　and　righteousness；　my　friends；　watch　vigilantly　your　stomach；　

and　diet　it　with　care　and　judgment。　　Then　virtue　and　contentment　will　

come　and　reign　within　your　heart；　unsought　by　any　effort　of　your　own；　and　

you　will　be　a　good　citizen；　a　loving　husband；　and　a　tender　father　…　a　

noble；　pious　man。



Before　our　supper；　Harris　and　George　and　I　were　quarrelsome　and　snappy　

and　ill…tempered；　after　our　supper；　we　sat　and　beamed　on　one　another；　and　

we　beamed　upon　the　dog；　too。　　We　loved　each　other；　we　loved　everybody。　　

Harris；　in　moving　about；　trod　on　George's　corn。　　Had　this　happened　before　

supper；　George　would　have　expressed　wishes　and　desires　concerning　

Harris's　fate　in　this　world　and　the　next　that　would　have　made　a　

thoughtful　man　shudder。



As　it　was；　he　said：　〃Steady；　old　man；　‘ware　wheat。〃



And　Harris；　instead　of　merely　observing；　in　his　most　unpleasant　tones；　

that　a　fellow　could　hardly　help　treading　on　some　bit　of　George's　foot；　if　

he　had　to　move　about　at　all　within　ten　yards　of　where　George　was　sitting；　

suggesting　that　George　never　ought　to　come　into　an　ordinary　sized　boat　

with　feet　that　length；　and　advising　him　to　hang　them　over　the　side；　as　he　

would　have　done　before　supper；　now　said：　〃Oh；　I'm　so　sorry；　old　chap；　I　

hope　I　haven't　hurt　you。〃



And　George　said：　〃Not　at　all；〃　that　it　was　his　fault；　and　Harris　said　no；　

it　was　his。



It　was　quite　pretty　to　hear　them。



We　lit　our　pipes；　and　sat；　looking　out　on　the　quiet　night；　and　talked。



George　said　why　could　not　we　be　always　like　this　…　away　from　the　world；　

with　its　sin　and　temptation；　leading　sober；　peaceful　lives；　and　doing　

good。　　I　said　it　was　the　sort　of　thing　I　had　often　longed　for　myself；　and　

we　discussed　the　possibility　of　our　going　away；　we　four；　to　some　handy；　

well…fitted　desert　island；　and　living　there　in　the　woods。



Harris　said　that　the　danger　about　desert　islands；　as　far　as　he　had　heard；　

was　that　they　were　so　damp：　but　George　said　no；　not　if　properly　drained。



And　then　we　got　on　to　drains；　and　that　put　George　in　mind　of　a　very　funny　

thing　that　happened　to　his　father　once。　　He　said　his　father　was　

travelling　with　another　fellow　through　Wales；　and；　one　night；　they　

stopped　at　a　little　inn；　where　there　were　some　other　fellows；　and　they　

joined　the　other　fellows；　and　spent　the　evening　with　them。



They　had　a　very　jolly　evening；　and　sat　up　late；　and；　by　the　time　they　

came　to　go　to　bed；　they　（this　was　when　George's　father　was　a　very　young　

man）　were　slightly　jolly；　too。　　They　（George's　father　and　George's　

father's　friend）　were　to　sleep　in　the　same　room；　but　in　different　beds。　　

They　took　the　candle；　and　went　up。　　The　candle　lurched　up　against　the　

wall　when　they　got　into　the　room；　and　went　out；　and　they　had　to　undress　

and　grope　into　bed　in　the　dark。　　This　they　did；　but；　instead　of　getting　

into　separate　beds；　as　they　thought　they　were　doing；　they　both　climbed　

into　the　same　one　without　knowing　it　…　one　getting　in　with　his　head　at　

the　top；　and　the　other　crawling　in　from　the　opposite　side　of　the　compass；　

and　lying　with　his　feet　on　the　pillow。



There　was　silence　for　a　moment；　and　then　George's　father　said：



〃Joe！〃



〃What's　the　matter；　Tom？〃　replied　Joe's　voice　from　the　other　end　of　the　

bed。



〃Why；　there's　a　man　in　my　bed；〃　said　George's　father；　〃here's　his　feet　on　

my　pillow。〃



〃Well；　it's　an　extraordinary　thing；　Tom；〃　answered　the　other；　〃but　I'm　

blest　if　there　isn't　a　man　in　my　bed；　too！〃



〃What　are　you　going　to　do？〃　asked　George's　father。



〃Well；　I'm　going　to　chuck　him　out；〃　replied　Joe。



〃So　am　I；〃　said　George's　father；　valiantly。



There　was　a　brief　struggle；　followed　by　two　heavy　bumps　on　the　floor；　and　

then　a　rather　doleful　voice　said：



〃I　say；　Tom！〃



〃Yes！〃



〃How　have　you　got　on？〃



〃Well；　to　tell　you　the　truth；　my　man's　chucked　me　out。〃



〃So's　mine！　　I　say；　I　don't　think　much　of　this　inn；　do　you？〃



〃What　was　the　name　of　that　inn？〃　said　Harris。



〃The　Pig　and　Whistle；〃　said　George。　　〃Why？〃



〃Ah；　no；　then　it　isn't　the　same；〃　replied　Harris。



〃What　do　you　mean？〃　queried　George。



〃Why　it's　so　curious；〃　murmured　Harris；　〃but　precisely　that　very　same　

thing　happened　to　MY　father　once　at　a　country　inn。　　I've　often　heard　him　

tell　the　tale。　　I　thought　it　might　have　been　the　same　inn。〃



We　turned　in　at　ten　that　night；　a