three men in a boat-第7章

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interested。



Then　Harris　packed　the　strawberry　jam　on　top　of　a　tomato　and　squashed　it；　

and　they　had　to　pick　out　the　tomato　with　a　teaspoon。



And　then　it　was　George's　turn；　and　he　trod　on　the　butter。　　I　didn't　say　

anything；　but　I　came　over　and　sat　on　the　edge　of　the　table　and　watched　

them。　　It　irritated　them　more　than　anything　I　could　have　said。　　I　felt　

that。　　It　made　them　nervous　and　excited；　and　they　stepped　on　things；　and　

put　things　behind　them；　and　then　couldn't　find　them　when　they　wanted　


them；　and　they　packed　the　pies　at　the　bottom；　and　put　heavy　things　on　

top；　and　smashed　the　pies　in。



They　upset　salt　over　everything；　and　as　for　the　butter！　　I　never　saw　two　

men　do　more　with　one…and…twopence　worth　of　butter　in　my　whole　life　than　

they　did。　　After　George　had　got　it　off　his　slipper；　they　tried　to　put　it　

in　the　kettle。　　It　wouldn't　go　in；　and　what　WAS　in　wouldn't　come　out。　　

They　did　scrape　it　out　at　last；　and　put　it　down　on　a　chair；　and　Harris　

sat　on　it；　and　it　stuck　to　him；　and　they　went　looking　for　it　all　over　the　

room。



〃I'll　take　my　oath　I　put　it　down　on　that　chair；〃　said　George；　staring　at　

the　empty　seat。



〃I　saw　you　do　it　myself；　not　a　minute　ago；〃　said　Harris。



Then　they　started　round　the　room　again　looking　for　it；　and　then　they　met　

again　in　the　centre；　and　stared　at　one　another。



〃Most　extraordinary　thing　I　ever　heard　of；〃　said　George。



〃So　mysterious！〃　said　Harris。



Then　George　got　round　at　the　back　of　Harris　and　saw　it。



〃Why；　here　it　is　all　the　time；〃　he　exclaimed；　indignantly。



〃Where？〃　cried　Harris；　spinning　round。



〃Stand　still；　can't　you！〃　roared　George；　flying　after　him。



And　they　got　it　off；　and　packed　it　in　the　teapot。



Montmorency　was　in　it　all；　of　course。　　Montmorency's　ambition　in　life；　is　

to　get　in　the　way　and　be　sworn　at。　　If　he　can　squirm　in　anywhere　where　he　

particularly　is　not　wanted；　and　be　a　perfect　nuisance；　and　make　people　

mad；　and　have　things　thrown　at　his　head；　then　he　feels　his　day　has　not　

been　wasted。



To　get　somebody　to　stumble　over　him；　and　curse　him　steadily　for　an　hour；　

is　his　highest　aim　and　object；　and；　when　he　has　succeeded　in　

accomplishing　this；　his　conceit　becomes　quite　unbearable。



He　came　and　sat　down　on　things；　just　when　they　were　wanted　to　be　packed；　

and　he　laboured　under　the　fixed　belief　that；　whenever　Harris　or　George　

reached　out　their　hand　for　anything；　it　was　his　cold；　damp　nose　that　they　

wanted。　　He　put　his　leg　into　the　jam；　and　he　worried　the　teaspoons；　and　

he　pretended　that　the　lemons　were　rats；　and　got　into　the　hamper　and　

killed　three　of　them　before　Harris　could　land　him　with　the　frying…pan。



Harris　said　I　encouraged　him。　　I　didn't　encourage　him。　　A　dog　like　that　

don't　want　any　encouragement。　　It's　the　natural；　original　sin　that　is　

born　in　him　that　makes　him　do　things　like　that。



The　packing　was　done　at　12。50；　and　Harris　sat　on　the　big　hamper；　and　said　

he　hoped　nothing　would　be　found　broken。　　George　said　that　if　anything　was　

broken　it　was　broken；　which　reflection　seemed　to　comfort　him。　　He　also　

said　he　was　ready　for　bed。



We　were　all　ready　for　bed。　　Harris　was　to　sleep　with　us　that　night；　and　

we　went　upstairs。



We　tossed　for　beds；　and　Harris　had　to　sleep　with　me。　　He　said：



〃Do　you　prefer　the　inside　or　the　outside；　J。？〃



I　said　I　generally　preferred　to　sleep　INSIDE　a　bed。



Harris　said　it　was　old。



George　said：



〃What　time　shall　I　wake　you　fellows？〃



Harris　said：



〃Seven。〃



I　said：



〃No　…　six；〃　because　I　wanted　to　write　some　letters。



Harris　and　I　had　a　bit　of　a　row　over　it；　but　at　last　split　the　

difference；　and　said　half…past　six。



〃Wake　us　at　6。30；　George；〃　we　said。



George　made　no　answer；　and　we　found；　on　going　over；　that　he　had　been　

asleep　for　some　time；　so　we　placed　the　bath　where　he　could　tumble　into　it　

on　getting　out　in　the　morning；　and　went　to　bed　ourselves。









CHAPTER　V。





MRS。　P。　AROUSES　US。　…　GEORGE；　THE　SLUGGARD。　…　THE　〃WEATHER　FORECAST〃　

SWINDLE。　…　OUR　LUGGAGE。　…　DEPRAVITY　OF　THE　SMALL　BOY。　…　THE　PEOPLE　GATHER　

ROUND　US。　…　WE　DRIVE　OFF　IN　GREAT　STYLE；　AND　ARRIVE　AT　WATERLOO。　…　

INNOCENCE　OF　SOUTH　WESTERN　OFFICIALS　CONCERNING　SUCH　WORLDLY　THINGS　AS　

TRAINS。　…　WE　ARE　AFLOAT；　AFLOAT　IN　AN　OPEN　BOAT。



IT　was　Mrs。　Poppets　that　woke　me　up　next　morning。



She　said：



〃Do　you　know　that　it's　nearly　nine　o'clock；　sir？〃



〃Nine　o'　what？〃　I　cried；　starting　up。



〃Nine　o'clock；〃　she　replied；　through　the　keyhole。　　〃I　thought　you　was　a…

oversleeping　yourselves。〃



I　woke　Harris；　and　told　him。　　He　said：



〃I　thought　you　wanted　to　get　up　at　six？〃



〃So　I　did；〃　I　answered；　〃why　didn't　you　wake　me？〃



〃How　could　I　wake　you；　when　you　didn't　wake　me？〃　he　retorted。　　〃Now　we　

shan't　get　on　the　water　till　after　twelve。　　I　wonder　you　take　the　trouble　

to　get　up　at　all。〃



〃Um；〃　I　replied；　〃lucky　for　you　that　I　do。　　If　I　hadn't　woke　you；　you'd　

have　lain　there　for　the　whole　fortnight。〃



We　snarled　at　one　another　in　this　strain　for　the　next　few　minutes；　when　

we　were　interrupted　by　a　defiant　snore　from　George。



It　reminded　us；　for　the　first　time　since　our　being　called；　of　his　

existence。



There　he　lay　…　the　man　who　had　wanted　to　know　what　time　he　should　wake　us　

…　on　his　back；　with　his　mouth　wide　open；　and　his　knees　stuck　up。



I　don't　know　why　it　should　be；　I　am　sure；　but　the　sight　of　another　man　

asleep　in　bed　when　I　am　up；　maddens　me。　　It　seems　to　me　so　shocking　to　

see　the　precious　hours　of　a　man's　life　…　the　priceless　moments　that　will　

never　come　back　to　him　again　…　being　wasted　in　mere　brutish　sleep。



There　was　George；　throwing　away　in　hideous　sloth　the　inestimable　gift　of　

time；　his　valuable　life；　every　second　of　which　he　would　have　to　account　

for　hereafter；　passing　away　from　him；　unused。　　He　might　have　been　up　

stuffing　himself　with　eggs　and　bacon；　irritating　the　dog；　or　flirting　

with　the　slavey；　instead　of　sprawling　there；　sunk　in　soul…clogging　

oblivion。



It　was　a　terrible　thought。　　Harris　and　I　appeared　to　be　struck　by　it　at　

the　same　instant。　　We　determined　to　save　him；　and；　in　this　noble　resolve；　

our　own　dispute　was　forgotten。　　We　flew　across　and　slung　the　clothes　off　

him；　and　Harris　landed　him　one　with　a　slipper；　and　I　shouted　in　his　ear；　

and　he　awoke。



〃Wasermarrer？〃　he　observed；　sitting　up。



〃Get　up；　you　fat…headed　chunk！〃　roared　Harris。　　〃It's　quarter　to　ten。〃



〃What！〃　he　shrieked；　jumping　out　of　bed　into　the　bath；　〃Who　the　thunder　

put　this　thing　here？〃



We　told　him　he　must　have　been　a　fool　not　to　see　the　bath。



We　finished　dressing；　and；　when　it　came　to　the　extras；　we　remembered　that　

we　had　packed　the　tooth…brushes　and　the　brush　and　comb　（that　tooth…brush　

of　mine　will　be　the　death　of　me；　I　know）；　and　we　had　to　go　downstairs；　

and　fish　them　out　of　the　bag。　　And　when　we　had　done　that　George　wanted　

the　shaving　tackle。　　We　told　him　that　he　would　have　to　go　without　shaving　

that　morning；　as　we　weren't　going　to　unpack　that　bag　again　for　him；　nor　

for　anyone　like　him。



He　said：



〃Don't　be　absurd。　　How　can　I　go　into　the　City　like　this？〃



It　was　certainly　rather　rough　on　the　City；　but　what　cared　we　for　human　

suffering？　　As　Harris　said；　in　his　common；　vulgar　way；　the　City　would　

have　to　lump　it。



We　went　downstairs　to　breakfast。　　Montmorency　had　invited　two　other　dogs　

to　come　and　see　him　off；　and　they　were　whiling　away　the　time　by　fighting　

on　the　doorstep。　　We　calmed　them　with　an　umbrella；　and　sat　down　to　chops　

and　cold　beef。



Harris　said：



〃The　great　thing　is　to　make　a　good　breakfast；〃　and　he　started　with　a　

couple　of　chops；　saying　that　he　would　take　these　while　they　were　hot；　as　

the　beef　could　wait。



George　got　hold　of　the　paper；　and　read　us　out　the　boating　fatalities；　and　

the　weather　forecast；　which　latter　prophesied　〃rain；　cold；　wet　to　fine〃　

（whatever　more　than　usually　ghastly　thing　in　weather　that　may　be）；　

〃occasional　local　thunder…storms；　east　wind；　with　general　depression　over　

the　Midland　Counties　（London　and　Channel）。　　Bar。　falling。〃



I　do　think　that；　of　all　the　silly；　irritating　tomfoolishness　by　which　we　

are　plagued；　this　〃weather…forecast〃　fraud　is　about　the　most　aggravating。　　

It　〃forecasts〃　precisely　what　happened　yesterday　or　a　the　day　before；　and　

precisely　the　opposite　of　what　is　going　to　happen　to…day。



I　remember　a　holiday　of　mine　being　completely　ruined　one　late　autumn　by　

our　paying　attention　to　the　weather　report　of　the　local　newspaper。　　

〃Heavy　showers；　with　thunderstorms；　may　be　expected　to…day；〃　it　would　say　

on　Monday；　and　so　we　would　give　up　our　picnic；　and　stop　indoors　all　day；　

waiting　for　the　rain。　…　And　people　would　pass　the　house；　going　off　in　

wagonettes　and　coaches　as　jolly　and　merry　as　could　be；　the　sun　shining　

out；　and　not　a　cloud　to　be　seen。



〃Ah！〃　we　said；　as　we　stood　looking　out　at　them　through　the　window；　〃won't　

they　come　home　soaked！〃



And　we　chuckled　to　think　how　wet　they　were　going　to　get；　and　came　back　

and　stirred　the　fire；　and　got　our　books；　and　arranged　our　specimens　of　

seaweed　and　cockle　shells。　　By　twelve　o'clock；　with　the　sun　pouring　into　

the　room；　the　heat　became　quite　oppressive；　and　we　wondered　when　those　

heavy　showers　and　occasional　thunderstorms　were　going　to　begin。



〃Ah！　they'll　come　in　the　afternoon；　you'll　find；〃　we　said　to　each　other。　　

〃Oh；　WON'T　those　people　get　wet。　　What　a　lark！〃



At　one　o'clock；　the　landlady　would　come　in　to　ask　if　we　weren't　going　

out；　as　it　seemed　such　a　lovely　day。



〃No；　no；〃　we　replied；　with　a　knowing　chuckle；　〃not　we。　　WE　don't　mean　to　

get　wet　…　no；　no。〃



And　when　the　afternoon　was　nearly　gone；　and　still　there　was　no　sign　of　

rain；　we　tried　to　cheer　ourselves　up　with　the　idea　that　it　would　come　

down　all　at　once；　just　as　the　people　had　started　for　home；　and　were　out　

of　the　reach　of　any　shelter；　and　that　they　would　thus　get　more　drenched　

than　ever。　　But　not　a　drop　ever　fell；　and　it　finished　a　grand　day；　and　a　

lovely　night　after　it。



The　next　morning　we　would　read　that　it　was　going　to　be　a　〃warm；　fine　to　

set…fair　day；　much　heat；〃　and　we　would　dress　ourselves　in　flimsy　things；　

and　go　out；　and；　half…an…hour　after　we　had　started；　it　would　commence　to　

rain　hard；　and　a　bitterly　cold　wind　would　spring　up；　and　both　would　keep　

on　steadily　for　the　whole　day；　and　we　would　come　home　with　colds　and　

rheumatism　all　over　us；　and　go　to　bed。



The　weather　is　a　thing　that　is　beyond　me　altogether。　　I　never　can　

understand　it。　　The　barometer　is　useless：　it　is　as　misleading　as　the　

newspaper　forecast。



There　was　one　hanging　up　in　a　hotel　at　Oxford　at　which　I　was　staying　last　

spring；　and；　when　I　got　there；　it　was　pointing　to　〃set　fair。〃　　It　was　

simply　pouring　with　rain　outside；　and　had　been　all　day；　and　I　couldn't